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Why we Get Stuck in Life & Leadership

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When I was closing in our my 40th birthday, I noticed something. I started to see it around 37 or 38, but I didn’t have words for it.

I started to notice that I had less energy than I did in my 20’s. Not just physically but also mentally, spiritually, and relationally. I also started to notice that some of the goals I had in my 20’s, things I cared about: being well known, having a large following online, or leading an enormous church, started to feel hollow. It isn’t that they were wrong goals; I just started to wonder if they were worth my time and energy.

I remember talking to another pastor who was about to move his church into a new, huge facility. It was the second building campaign he had led, and honestly, for pastors, he had reached the top. I asked him if he was excited, and he said, “I guess.” He said, “Honestly, this is great and all, but I wonder what I missed on the way to this.”

When you aren’t at the top of the mountain, it is hard to understand how people who get to the top can feel ambivalent or empty about it.

In my teens and 20’s and maybe this is or was right for you. You are proving yourself. You are figuring out what you are good at, what you will spend your life on, you are building your competency. Climbing ladders, stepping over people to get to the top, you are forging your way. 

Why we get stuck in our 30’s and 40’s.

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For some of us, the change that happens in life is that those goals feel not worth it anymore, or we wonder, “what was I thinking.”

For others of us, we don’t hit those goals, and it is discouraging. 

For others, we hit all of our goals and wonder, is that all? We are convinced that hitting those milestones would feel a certain way, but they didn’t. 

I was talking to a counselor about this, and he told me, “Josh, that makes sense.” Of course, I leaned in and said, “tell me more.”

Why most people hit a mid-life crisis.

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He said the first part of your life is about competency. The middle part of your life is about community, who you will do that competency with. You are figuring out what matters for the rest of your life. This is what David Brooks calls The two mountains. 

Then he told me, It’s the reason we feel kind of blah about life at different times. You run after things that you thought mattered, and at the time, they might have seemed like a huge deal, but now they don’t. He told me that is what you are searching for, and that is living a significant life. 

This is why, when you see a guy in his 50’s with an open shirt, a balding ponytail in a yellow Miata, we wonder what is wrong with him. He is still chasing after the first mountain.

The problem is that as we get older, we don’t have the energy to climb the first mountain. This is what leads many leaders to burn out and give up. If we can make the switch to understanding who we want to use our strengths and talents with, we last longer in the leadership game.

Why leaders burn out and give up.

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The problem, as many authors point out and many leaders discover, our world is built for the ladder climb for the company building. We are unsure how to navigate what comes after that. But sustainability is found in bringing these two mountains, these two circles of competency and community together.

How leaders get stuck.

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How to Find Significance and Meaning

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Most people I meet want to do something significant with their life. They may not say they want to do something big, but they want to live a significant life, that has purpose and meaning.

Sometimes, we wonder if we missed our chance or if it isn’t our time just yet.

But I wonder if we go after significance all wrong.

The people that most would say do something significant, who make it, change the world, what we see is that last moment — the product, the platform, the book, podcast, the company, or church that explodes.

What we don’t see are all the small steps along the way.

Recently I preached on a verse that I’ve read a bunch of times but struck me in a new way.

In Galatians 6:9, Paul says: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. -Galatians 6:9

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Don’t become weary in doing good? How is that possible? But all of us have grown weary of doing good.

We have become weary staying pure while we wait for a spouse, we have grown weary of being the only one with integrity at work; the only one who tries in the relationship.

Growing weary can mean to give up, to be discouraged, tired, rundown. It is wondering when our hopes and dreams will come true, not always the big ones but even the small ones of being noticed, loved, and cared for.

And when this happens, we lose hope.

We can lose hope when the platform doesn’t grow like we’d hope, when our family isn’t what we dreamed of, when our career doesn’t go as planned or when no one seems to notice us, they don’t see what we’re doing or how much we’re doing.

Some of you are parenting young kids and you wonder if you will ever have a normal life again or be able to go after your dreams that you once had and you need to hear, don’t lose hope. Or you wonder if all that you’re doing for your kids is doing anything and you are weary. Don’t lose hope.

Some of you feel like you are the only one trying in a relationship, you are the one serving, and you need to hear, don’t lose hope, don’t grow weary.

Or you’re tired of having faith because it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. You wonder, when is God going to hear my prayer, when is God going to let me have that breakthrough and be noticed. I’m tired of being in the background. Don’t grow weary. Don’t lose hope.

Why?

At the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we don’t give up.

Paul says if we don’t grow weary, we reap a harvest. Your harvest might be how you serve, and that sets someone else up for something. The way you help your kids might be what changes the world. The way you serve your spouse, your friends, your boss, or neighbor. You don’t know what God is going to do. Someone might stand on your shoulders or stand on the shoulders of someone you serve and give your all.

Andy Stanley said, “The greatest contribution you make to the kingdom of God might not be something you do but someone you raise.”

The greatest contribution you make to the kingdom of God might not be something you do but someone you raise. -Andy Stanley

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All of us have been impacted by somebody. That person didn’t give up on doing good. The person who impacted them didn’t give up. The point is we never know where our impact and influence will go.

The harvest that I experience in life is because someone along the way didn’t grow weary with me. They didn’t give up on me. Small group leaders, mentors, coaches, parents, teachers, and friends all along the way are part of whatever I do and accomplish.

Too often we underestimate the power of the little things in life and the impact they can make. Yes, big things and audacious goals change the world. But so do small, seemingly insignificant things. A hug, your presence, helping someone move, a listening ear. Don’t underestimate the power of the little things.

Small, seemingly insignificant, things change the world too.

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Here’s one of the biggest temptations I see among Christians. So many people want to do great things for God; we want to change the world. We want to start this or that, have this platform, start this company that will change the world, release a product into the world that changes everything, write a book, have a huge following online, when we are unwilling to do the little everyday things that God has put in front of them because it isn’t big enough.

The other side of this is when we feel like something isn’t big enough, and so we wonder if it is worth doing. Or, as we get older and look at our lives and think, “Have I done anything significant?”

And don’t miss this: the little moment that seems insignificant can become something more significant in the hands of God. Don’t overlook the small things because you don’t know what God is doing.

The little moment that seems insignificant can become something bigger in the hands of God.

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It might be because it is too hard, it might be because it is taking so long.

But don’t grow weary in doing the good right in front of you.

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The Power of Words in Relationships

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Almost every time I talk to someone hesitant to go after their dreams, and I ask them why they tell the story of someone telling them they couldn’t do something.

Whenever we struggle with low self-esteem, uncertainty, struggling to trust, or feel loved or worthwhile, one of the common factors is the words someone spoke to us.

Whenever someone finally reaches a goal or hits a milestone, they will tell the story of a coach, parent, or teacher who believed in them, pushed them, and spoke words of life to them.

Because words are powerful.

Words mark us.

The words of others have the power to mark us.

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The words of others create identities for us that are life-giving and negative.

We give so much power to the words of others.

The problem, though, most of our interactions tend to the negative side of words than the positive.

Proverbs 18:21 says The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. -Proverbs 18:21

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We know this is true because we have all had words spoken to us that have brought life and lifted us, but we’ve also been the recipient of words that have brought us death and have torn us down.

We know the power of words, but often we underestimate the power of them in our lives.

We’ll often do that through explaining it away: they didn’t mean it that way. We’ll say to someone, that’s not what I meant when I said that. We’ll shrug and tell a counselor; it wasn’t a big deal when they said that. We’ll say, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will _____.” That’s not true. They hurt deeply. 

If you deflect and say “what they said to me isn’t a big deal,” you need to pay attention to the things you explain away or deflect. 

So what words bring life? What words bring death?

Words bring life and death.

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Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:29, 31, that we are to let no unwholesome talk come out of our mouth. The word for unwholesome talk carries the same idea of rotting food. If you’ve ever smelled spoiled milk or food, you know what that feels like.

Then he tells us that we shouldn’t use words of bitterness, rage, anger, slander, brawling, and malice.

This is a big list.

All of these are things that happen in us and then come out in our words.

This is why Jesus said that our words are from the overflow of our hearts. 

Bitterness stems from the hurt of a past event; you were scarred, resentment has built up. When we speak with bitterness, it is often a response to a past event. It is when we haven’t dealt with something in our past, but it creeps into our present. In relationships, this is when we make someone pay for the sins of someone from our past. 

When was the last time you spoke from a place of rage and anger? When was the last time that you thought, “I wish I hadn’t said that?” Have you ever had to go to someone and say, “I should not have said that, and I’m sorry.” Ever sent an email or text and immediately thought, I wish I could get that back!

Slander means to say things about someone that isn’t true, to damage someone’s reputation. 

Malice means to hurt someone intentionally with our words.

Malice is almost exclusively something that happens in the closest relationships. Because we know which buttons to push. We know how to get a dig in at our spouse, boss, co-worker, sibling, friend, or child. Sadly, we save our harshest words for our closest relationships.

Sadly, we save our harshest words for our closest relationships.

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Paul then tells us in verse 32: use words that are kind and compassionate. 

These are words that are sympathetic, empathetic, affectionate, and show concern. They are words that give pleasure and relief in life. This should categorize our words. If you’re honest, these are the words you long to hear from someone. I know I do. 

Couples, you have so much power in your words to your spouse. You can send them on a course to change the world and conquer what is in front of them or deflate them before they get started. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve doubted myself, and Katie has grabbed my hand and said, “you can do this. I’m proud of you.” She signs all her notes to me by saying, “with all my admiration and respect.” I’ll tell you what; I feel like I could pick up a car when I hear that.

Parents, the words, the tone that you use today will shape your kids for a long, long time. Don’t believe me? How much have the words of a parent impacted you for good or bad?

You can lift your friends, your boss, co-workers with a simple word.

The power of words in relationships.

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How to Encourage Others

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Recently I gave a sermon on the power of words, and in it, I was struck by a phrase in a verse that is easy to miss. In Ephesians 4:29, we see Paul tell us not to use unwholesome talk, which is what gets focused on, but then he says that our words are to benefit others.

Your words are to be a benefit to others.

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What we often forget is that the people who hear our words are not just the people we are talking to but also the others standing around in the moment.

If you think back to hearing your parents argue, something one of them said at the moment got lodged into your head and heart, and you started to carry that through life.

When you speak, someone else is listening.

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Something you heard a boss say to a co-worker (especially something negative) you heard that, and it gave you an impression of your boss and/or co-worker.

One thing I always tell dads is that the way they speak to their wife, they are teaching their daughters how boys and men should talk to them. They are showing their sons how to talk to women.

Too often, though, when we speak, our words are for our benefit, not the person we are talking to or those around us.

We are continually communicating with those around us, and we need to be aware of that.

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Monday Morning Mind Dump…

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  • I haven’t done a mind dump in a while and felt like today was a good day for it.
  • I’ve been blogging a lot less lately because of the transition that our church is a part of.
  • Someone asked me recently if joining two churches together was harder than church planting.
  • I’m not sure which one is harder, but they both take a lot of work.
  • What has been amazing to me, though, is how seamless it has been.
  • Now, it has been hard, emotional, humbling, and everything in between.
  • Daily I am reminded how God has gone before us and paved the way for this.
  • I was reminded again and again yesterday when I got to kick off our brand new series How Could We Not? on the east campus.
  • Everyone I talked to gets the vision of multi-site and is excited about it.
  • It was stretching for me to teach three times in a row yesterday, but great practice for Christmas Eve.
  • I slept almost 10 hours last night!
  • If you want to watch yesterday’s message, it will be posted here.
  • I love getting to work with the East campus of Pantano but also being able to team up with Glen Elliott, our lead pastor.
  • He taught at the Southeast campus yesterday and did an awesome job.
  • There are so many things about this step and transition that I am excited about, but one of the biggest ones is happening in 3 weeks to serve our city.
  • Another reason I see God’s hand in this is how well the people of Revolution have processed this.
  • There have been a ton of great questions and feedback.
  • The responses have run the gamut of uncertainty to all-out excitement.
  • But almost everyone has said, “We’re here, we’re in, we’re praying, and we’ll see what this is going to be like.”
  • I couldn’t ask for anything more.
  • We had someone come from the East campus yesterday to the Southeast campus for the first time, and they serve on they served on their first day!
  • Three books that I’m reading right now that are stretching me: Trillion Dollar Coach: The Leadership Playbook of Silicon Valley’s Bill Campbell, Stillness Is the Key, and What Does Your Soul Love?: Eight Questions That Reveal God’s Work in You. 
  • One of my favorite parts of this multi-site transition has been the format of our teaching team and how we are putting together sermons and series with multiple teachers and working on them together.
  • That is a longer blog post, but it has been exciting to watch it come together.
  • Not only does it strengthen the teaching in our church, but is also still gives each communicator their unique voice and keeps the unity of our church.
  • Introduced our kids to That Thing You Do! last night.
  • Such a classic.
  • One thing I love about the end of October is that it is finally cooling off!
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The Hardest Prayer to Pray

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Have you ever been stuck in life? I know I have. 

We get stuck trying to decide for our family, career, a trip, major in college, or what school to put our kids in.

I think one of the most common things I see among people right now is the feeling that their life isn’t going anywhere, that it is standing still. Another way to put it is the feeling that life isn’t going the way you expected it to go.

If we aren’t careful, we get cynical and bitter when life doesn’t go how we planned or hoped. 

It is easy to get cynical and bitter when it comes to faith and prayer. 

For some of us, you have had a life-changing experience with Jesus. The encounter was so real and vivid that it was life-changing. If you’re reading this, you probably want that, this sense that God is in your life, active and on the move. You want your life to count, to matter, to be part of something significant. 

But many of us miss it.

And for a simple, but surprising reason. 

Control.  

The path to our greatest hopes and dreams is through the door of surrender.

The path to our greatest hopes and dreams is through the door of surrender.

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In Matthew 6, when Jesus’ disciples asked him to teach them to pray, he prayed like this:

This, then, is how you should pray:

‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

We are to pray for God’s kingdom rule, God’s kingdom influence. This is the battle of surrender. Will I take the lead, or will I submit to God’s rule in my life and world?

What I find fascinating is how Jesus gives us three areas to surrender:

Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,but deliver us from the evil one.

3 things to surrender daily to Jesus.

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We are to surrender:

Our daily needs, worries, anxieties that we have each day, what keeps us up at night.

The things that keep us up at night are huge, but things we can and should let go of. But this is the crux of prayer and surrender.

Trust.

Will I trust that God is in control? That God has the world, my world, in his hands so I can go to sleep?

Forgiveness of others. We are surrendering our hurts and situations with people.

Forgiveness might also be forgiving yourself. Many times, we carry the guilt that Jesus has taken away. 

Surrender is choosing to do what God asked me to do, to forgive. Until I surrender, I am stuck. 

Temptation, desires, wants, addictions.

When we give in to temptation, we are disengaging with God; we are pulling away. What if, when you are tempted, you prayed and gave it to Jesus?

The Hardest Prayer to Pray

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Surrender, to me, is the hardest prayer to pray because it is all about trust.

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How to Pray like a Child

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In his book Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference? Philip Yancey shares the story of David Ford, who is a professor at Cambridge in England, asked a catholic priest the most common problem he encountered in 20 years of hearing confession. Without hesitation, the priest replied, “God.”

He said that very few people he meets in confession believe that God is a God of love, forgiveness, gentleness, and compassion. They see God as someone to cower from. 

After this, Ford, the professor said, “This is perhaps the hardest truth of any to grasp. Do we wake up every morning amazed that God loves us? Do we allow our day to be shaped by God’s desire to relate to us?

Here is a truth I have seen play out in my faith journey and others: what I believe about God determines what I ask for in prayer. It determines how honest I am, how open I am. 

What I believe about God determines what I ask for in prayer.

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If I believe God wants what is right for me,  I will ask him for everything and be okay when I don’t get what I want when I want it. 

If I believe that God isn’t good and is against me, I’m less likely to pray. 

If I don’t believe God is close, I will struggle to trust him. 

If I believe that God is like my earthly father, that shapes how I relate to him. 

But, if I believe that God is everything my earthly wasn’t, that God is the perfect Father, that shapes how I pray. 

We’ll make bargains with God: “God if you do this, I’ll never do that again.” Do we think God is a slot machine? 

Followers of Jesus do this all the time, “I’ll do anything for you, but don’t send me there or ask me to do that.” Do you know what we’re saying? We’re saying that God is a God who will call us to something that will make us miserable. Make no mistake, if you believe that God’s plan for your life will make you unhappy, that will shape your prayer life. 

Now, for us to fully engage in prayer, we need to believe that we are praying to a God who loves us and hears us. To a God who will give us his attention. A God who will move close to us. 

This is the invitation that God has for us as followers of Jesus. He is a good father who wants to hear from his kids. 

But how do kids pray? How do kids ask for anything?

I have five kids, so I’ve learned a thing or two about how kids ask for things. Maybe you have some experience with this. 

What does a child ask for? Everything and anything. If a child hears about Disneyland on a commercial or that someone else is going, they want to go tomorrow. My kids heard the word Christmas the other day and thought it was this week and didn’t know why I couldn’t make it Christmas like I can change the calendar. They keep asking!

How often does a child ask for something? Repeatedly. Have you seen a child throw a temper tantrum in the cereal aisle? No, they don’t want the healthy stuff in the bag on the bottom shelf without a cartoon character on the front with no toy in it! 

Kids have this 6th sense of knowing if they are wearing you down. If you’re a parent, have you ever laid in a child’s bed with them after you told them 15 times to go to bed and that you wouldn’t do it? Every parent has. We will do anything for them to go to sleep. Sometimes we give in just to shut them up. It’s survival. 

How do kids ask? Do they make sure it is grammatically correct? Do they make sure that it fits with your budget, time table, or something you want to do? They say whatever is on their minds. They don’t think if something is appropriate to say or ask for. For us, we think, “I could never pray about that. I could never ask God for that.” Why not? We often are afraid to pray in public because we aren’t sure it will sound right or spiritual enough. We also judge our prayers. That person seemed so spiritual when they prayed; I don’t think I can pray like that so I won’t pray. There isn’t some spiritual sounding list. We are simply talking to God. 

One author said, “Prayer is where your life and God meet.”

Prayer is where your life and God meet. -Paul Miller

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Do you know what else kids do when they ask their parents? Children are supremely confident in their parent’s love and power. They trust them. They believe their parents want what is good (although they often think their parents will always agree with the kids on what that good is). 

If you feel connected to your parents, if you know they love you and will protect you, it makes anything possible. 

Children come to their parent’s weary, tired, needy, wandering minds, and messy. That’s how we are to go to God, our father. 

Children come to their parent’s weary, tired, needy, wandering minds and messy. That’s how we are to come to God, our father.

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Feeling secure in God’s love helps us to pray; it helps us to dream again. 

Jesus says that praying as a child; we get God’s attention. 

How to pray like a child.

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Pantano Southeast Campus

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A lot of new things have been happening in my life.

On September 8, we announced that Revolution would be joining Pantano Christian Church and become Pantano Church – Southeast Campus.

It has been a wild ride since April when this conversation began between myself and Glen Elliott, the lead pastor of Pantano.

And yesterday, we announced this step at Pantano and challenged people to move from the East Campus and attend and serve at our campus as we prepare to launch on January 5, 2020.

The response was overwhelming. Every day I am reminded of God’s hand at work through this entire process, dating back a decade when Glen and I met. It is one of those times when I shake my head and think, “only God.”

Here is the announcement from yesterday at Pantano.

If you have questions or would like information about serving at Pantano Southeast, you can go here.

Here are a few things you can be praying for:

  • The people of Revolution as they continue to put the Kingdom First to reach more people for Jesus.
  • For people who are moving from Pantano East to jump in and start serving from day one. We had over 60 families sign up yesterday at Pantano East who signed up to move to our campus and serve and/or attend.
  • That our team would have wisdom as we walk with people through this change and help two churches become one church in multiple locations.

These are exhilarating days. Every day I am blown away by what God is doing. For me, I have always wanted and prayed about being a part of something that can only be explained by God, and this feels like it. I’m savoring every moment of this ride and trying to keep up with how fast God is moving.

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How to Change the Things You’d like to Change

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Have you ever done something and thought, why did I do that? 

I remember growing up; whenever I would do something wrong, and my grandfather found out about it, he would say, “That’s not what our family does.”

We all have one of those things. 

It might be a feeling that we wished we could stop; we struggle with worry and anxiety and wish we didn’t. It might be controlling things or feeling fearful more than we want. 

Maybe you find yourself flying off the handle and see the damage it does but don’t know why.

You tell people close to you, that you are working on it, make promises to stop an addiction, but it keeps coming back. 

So what do we do? We take a class, read a book, see a counselor, which are all good things. But the problem is, most of the time we look for ways to stop being angry, to stop feeling something, to stop buying things we can’t afford or how to stop looking at porn. 

We miss the crucial thing. 

How to Change the Things You’d like to Change

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What is that?

We miss what is in us.

Often when we look to make a change, we look outside of us. The places we go, the things we do, the people we are with. This is important, but only tells us part of the story.

Change happens from inside out, not outside in.

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If you’re a follower of Jesus, this is one of the struggles you often bump into: When we start following Jesus, some of those stops immediately. We hear people say, “I was addicted to ____ for years and started following Jesus, and it was gone.” For many of us, the things we struggled with before following Jesus, we still struggle with after we follow Jesus.  We wonder if something is wrong with us. We wonder if we’re following Jesus and beat ourselves up because a good Christian shouldn’t struggle with what we struggle with.

Think about it like this: when we do anything, we are looking for something. This can be positive or negative.

When we do anything, we are looking for something.

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Every time we take a job or go on a vacation, we are looking for something and looking for something that will fill us.

When you look at porn. Why do you do that? What are you hoping that will fill in you?

When you work too much, what are you hoping that will do for you?

When you get angry and fly off the handle, what are you hoping to feel?

When you keep all your emotions in, what are you hoping you will get?

Every time we sin, we are hoping for something. 

Again, when we think of changing something, we look for ways to improve something, but the reality is that something came from somewhere. We have to face that.

This is painful for many of us. We have to look at our stories, what has come before us, and why we do things. 

Learning to face why you do things.

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To move forward in freedom, you have to ask, why do I respond in anger? Why do I pull away from people? Where does that come from in my story? Where have I seen this in my life or family or origin?

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Seasons of Life

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Seasons in life are funny things. We all experience them, but we rarely talk about them.

Seasons can be broken up by ages. There is the season of being a child, a tween, teenager — the experience of middle school and high school, and then college. You might think of them in decades, your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and so on.

Sometimes when it comes to ages, we long to move on and be older. Sometimes we wish we could go backward.

Some think of seasons in terms of jobs, their career. They are starting, starting over, moving up and moving down.

Or we think of seasons in terms of relationships. Alone, falling in love, falling out of love, getting married, having kids.

Even parenting has its seasons: the beginning, the sleepless nights, the physical demands of young kinds, the emotional needs of teenagers, the school activities, being an empty nester, the demands of caring for aging parents.

The reality is, we are all in a season. And sometimes, we are experiencing seasons simultaneously.

Here’s the problem with seasons, we rarely talk about them. We rarely identify the one we are in currently.

Here’s why this matters: the season you are in is unique. For example, our kids range from 7 – 14 in age. Our season of parenting is drastically different today than it was when we had three kids under 3 and a half. It is very different from our friends who just took their youngest to college. It has unique challenges and unique blessings.

We often get jealous of someone else’s season. We long to be married when we’re single. We can’t wait to sleep through the night when our kids are young. We wish our bodies felt younger as we age. When we get jealous of someone else’s season but we don’t take into account the difficult parts of their seasons, their challenges, only the benefits.

Not only is each season unique, but each season has its challenges and its blessings. If you’re frustrated with your season right now, more than likely, you are only focusing on the challenges and missing out on the benefits of it. And if you do that, you will miss that season and what you are supposed to learn and discover in that season.