Every week in your church, the people sitting in the seats have longings and desires for their lives and relationships.
They want to feel more purpose, more connection and in each relationship they have, they are looking for closeness. Many times as pastors, we miss this and end up answering questions and speaking to struggles they don’t have.
When it comes to marriage and dating, they are looking for connection and intimacy. Intimacy doesn’t equal sex, which is an important distinction as we think about preaching.
They look to fill those in all kinds of ways that are destructive and ultimately leave them empty. That person at work they opened up to, the porn they looked at, the clothes they bought. All of these things were to feel connected, to feel close and it left them wanting more because it can’t satisfy that longing.
Our culture and the church have tried to step in and speak to this, but often the church and the culture end up telling lies about sexuality and intimacy.
3 Lies the Culture Tells us about Sex
The first lie our culture tells us about sex is that sex is just physical.
On the surface, this sounds right. After all, for many men, it seems like it is just physical. And yet, there is a closeness after sex that is hard to explain if sex is only physical. And we know this, we know that something more is going on.
This is why we struggle to tell our spouse about our sexual past and how many people we’ve slept with, we struggle to let go of the shame of abortion, sexual abuse or addiction. This is why whenever I meet with someone, and they ask me, “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone?” almost 100% of the time it is sexual.
Sex is powerful.
This is why Paul said in 1 Corinthians: Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
One author said, “Chances are no one told you why the New Testament urges believers to reserve sex for marriage. Here’s a shocker — the why has nothing to do with disease or unwanted pregnancy. You may be interested to know that the Bible does not say the primary, much less the exclusive, purpose of sex is to make babies. Biblical authors do not condemn sexual pleasure. God’s not worried about us having too much fun. So why all the fuss? Why would Paul instruct his Christian audience to “flee” from immorality? Here’s why: All other sins a person commits . . . Sexual sin is like no other sin. Paul puts sexual sin in a category all by itself. “All other sins . . .” Here’s the second part: All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.”
Paul’s primary concern is not the physical consequences of sex.
Another author said Sexual sin is like no other sin because your sexuality bridges body and soul. Sex is a physical act that reaches beyond your physical body. Sexual sin is like no other sin because it cuts deeper than another sin. It leaves a more noticeable scar. When you sin sexually, you literally sin against your true self. Your soul self. To sin against yourself is essentially to betray and steal from yourself. Sexual sin robs you of your own future. Sexual sin undermines future intimacy. Sexual sin creates an obstacle to honesty. Sexual sin is the sin we will be most tempted to hide, the sin we will most likely try to smuggle into future relationships. Sexual sin eventually equates to self-inflicted pain.
Another lie is that sex is all about technique.
Here are a few technique ideas I saw recently on magazine covers at the grocery store 21 naughty sex tips, more sex than you can handle, 30 red hot sex secrets, the hot new sex app to tap into her desires, 60 sex tips you’ll both love, 4 sex moves that are forever 21.
And the craziest one: 102 ways to blow your own mind in bed. 102!!!
Now, technique matters.
But do you know what technique doesn’t give us? The exact thing we crave: connection and commitment. Even the baddest guy who claims not to want to settle down, do you know what he wants in his heart of hearts? Connection and commitment.
Technique tells us those things don’t matter so be a porn star in bed, drive him wild, drive her wild. And then we wonder, why am I not happier? Why am I not more fulfilled?
The other lie our culture tells us is that the most important thing about you is your sexuality.
This narrative has picked up with gay marriage. The identifying characteristic of who you are is now your sexuality, who you are in the bedroom.
With the rise of social media, more and more women feel like they need to post sexual videos and pictures to be noticed because men only want porn stars.
Do you see how we get into a mess if sex is just physical and the most important thing about you?
But unfortunately, the church isn’t any different.
A few years ago I came across an article called four lies the church told me about sex.
Any and all physical contact is like a gateway drug to sex.
Now, we know that a hug does not lead to sex and pregnancy.
The church says outside of marriage, you need to protect yourself sexually and that is well founded (and biblical) and many of us need to do a better job of that.
What this lie leads to is thinking that sex is dirty.
If you wait until you are married to have sex, God will reward you with mind-blowing sex and a magical wedding night.
I was told this again and again as a kid.
Do you know what you are guaranteed if you save sex for marriage? That you will fumble around and learn with someone that is committed to loving you forever.
Waiting to have sex till you are married will lead to many things, and they are good, but it won’t guarantee a mind-blowing wedding night.
The church says, “wait for it, wait for it. Say I do. Now do it!!!!”
Girls don’t care about sex.
This isn’t just a church thing, but all over blogs and magazines.
Men think they have to con or fight their wife to get sex. Women feel dirty if they talk about sex, think about sex or ask for advice from friends. If you are a woman and think about sex, desire sex, you aren’t a freak, you are human.
God created both men and women in the image of God, and he created us as sexual beings.
God not only created sex but also created our bodies too. Too many of us have grown up being told there is something wrong with our bodies and our desire. Now, we know in Genesis 3 that sin entered the world and tainted all of life and sex.
God created sex for our pleasure and his glory; Satan seeks to destroy it.
If you’re a parent, you need to help your kids understand their bodies and how they were created and why that is a good thing and God’s good plan for their bodies, their sex drives and what that means. Don’t be silent on this.
When you get married, you will be able to express yourself sexually without guilt and shame fully.
This lie has created a lot of pain and frustration.
Addictions, abuse, past sexual partners, all of these collide together in your marriage bed and create havoc.
Why write a post about lies?
Many of us are unaware of lies we believe about sex and intimacy.
We get our information from blogs and movies, romance novels, what our parents did or did not tell us or what our friends have told us.
If we aren’t careful, we end up believing the wrong things and we end up missing what God has for us and how He created us.
