Posted on

It Isn’t Always a Bad Thing When People Leave Your Church

by

One of the most painful parts of being a pastor or leader is losing someone. Whether it is someone who attends your church, a leader or a staff member. It is personally painful, and it is painful to the church. Even when someone leaves because God is calling them somewhere else to start a ministry or be a part of a ministry, it is painful. Also though it is painful, it isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it is God’s way of protecting you.

When I was in seminary I was on staff at a great church, and they had given me a ton of opportunities, and I was close to the lead pastor. God had opened some doors for Katie and me, and we felt like we needed to move to a new church. The problem was that we had committed a year to the church we were at, so we told this new church that we needed to finish our time. But the feeling didn’t go away.

I remember when I went to the pastor and told him what we were feeling, but that we would stay and finish our commitment because that was important to us. He looked at me and said, “If God is calling you somewhere, that means God is calling someone to come here and take your place. Who knows, they might already be here. If you stay, not only will you miss what God is calling you to, but that person will miss what God is calling them to here.” It was one of the most kingdom-minded, eye-opening moments of my life. That conversation has shaped my leadership and how I look at the way God moves. If God is sovereign (and I believe he is), then when He calls someone away to somewhere else, he is preparing someone else to jump in.

This doesn’t make it any less painful or hard. It just changes how you look at it. It is a reminder that you are not in charge or control and that is okay.

I’d Like You More if You Were More Like Me by John Ortberg

I’m working ahead to get ready for our relationship series that we’re kicking off in a couple of weeks called #RelationshipGoals and one of the books I read was John Ortberg’s I’d Like You More If You Were More like Me: Getting Real about Getting Close. There are so many things I enjoyed about this book, that I thought I’d share some favorite quotes:

20 quotes from I’d Like You More If You Were More like Me: Getting Real about Getting Close.

Click To Tweet

  1. Why do we fear intimacy so much? For one thing, I think we’re afraid of being hurt. Intimacy means being known by someone – as Nancy knows me, for example. She knows my strengths and weaknesses, my hopes and fear. She can use that knowledge to bond with me and grow closer to me, or she can use it to shame, wound, or betray me. We also fear intimacy because it can set us up for disappointments.
  2. Intimacy respects distance but isn’t content with it.
  3. In the minds of a lot of people in our culture, the word intimacy got all tangled up with sex. But even though there is a connection between the two words, they are not interchangeable, and one is not necessarily dependent on the other. We don’t need to have sex to be intimate with someone in order to have sex. The vast majority of our intimate relationships have absolutely nothing to do with sex. Intimacy also applies to our relationships with our kids, our parents, our friends, our coworkers – and even with God.
  4. To love someone means both to will and to work for that person to become who God created them to be.
  5. The Bible never tells us to fall in love. But it has a lot to say about growing in love.
  6. One of the most important “awareness” questions we can ask ourselves in each significant relationship is, “How does my connection with this person impact the person I’m becoming?”
  7. What makes the miracle of human connection possible is our ability to discern another person’s emotional state, empathize with it, and enter into it.
  8. “Feeling felt” is to the human soul what food is to the stomach, or air is to the lungs.
  9. Feeling felt requires two gifts that we can give to one another: knowing and acceptance. If you know about my weakness or my woundedness, but you don’t care, you won’t be able to help me. On the other hand, if you accept me as I am, but you don’t know about my breaking heart, you won’t be able to bring healing to my particular situation.
  10. We treasure joyful moments because they somehow heal and connect us. What’more, our joy is not just about us. The research is quite clear on this: Joyful people are more compassionate in their actions than less joyful people. They are more financially generous than less joyful people. They develop friendships and deeper friendships than less joyful people. They are more likely to stay married. They are more resilient in the face of hardship. They exhibit greater vitality and a zest for life.
  11. Naming an emotion is the first step in healing that emotion inwardly.
  12. Commitment gives us what Lewis Smedes calls a “small island of certainty” in an uncertain world: “How strange it is, when you think about it that a mere human being can take hold of the future and fasten one part of it down for another person … I stretch myself into unpredictable days ahead and make one thing predictable for you: I will be there with you.”
  13. Commitment is the foundation of intimacy because without commitment there can be no trust, and without trust, there can be no intimacy.
  14. When a relationship has intimacy without commitment, there’s a greater potential for hurt.
  15. Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed that marriage involved what he calls a triangle of life: intimacy (by which he means feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness), passion (romance and physical attraction), and commitment (the decision to maintain that love). These elements must be proportional. When intimacy exceeds commitment, there is potential for hurt. When commitment exceeds intimacy, there is a disappointment for the heart. But when commitment, passion, and intimacy go hand in hand, relationships flourish.
  16. Lewis Smedes identified three things we surrender when we commit ourselves to another person: our freedom, our individuality, and our control. When we commit ourselves to someone, we’re no longer the only ones in charge. Our time and our heart are no longer our own. Commitment builds an invisible fence around us, and we freely choose to honor its restrictions on our freedom. Once we’ve committed, we’re no longer just me, myself, I; we’ve become part of we.
  17. Shame is condemnation – the internalization of rejection. As Lewis Smedes puts it, “Shame is a weighty feeling.” Guilt causes us to feel bad about what we’ve done; shame causes us to feel bad about who we are. Shame – at least the toxic kind – causes us to feel that we will never be acceptable. It touches the very core of our identity.
  18. Differences mean that conflict is inevitable. Often friendships, as well as marriages, have an early phase that is relatively conflict-free. Sooner or later, though reality sets in.
  19. Intimacy does not mean having a relationship without conflict. Intimacy does not mean having a relationship without any ruptures. Every relationship experiences rupture from time to time. What determines ongoing intimacy is what happens next.
  20. One way of measuring the health of a relationship is how quickly a couple moves to repair the connection when they experience a rupture.
20 quotes on relational intimacy and connection.

Click To Tweet

Posted on

3 Lies Pastors Believe

by

pastors

All of us believe lies in our lives and those lies shape us. Lies that we aren’t good enough, strong enough, that I owe God, that we can be in control, that God doesn’t love us, that we aren’t lovable or worthwhile.

Lies like these, shape us. And if we don’t face them, these lies will determine the stories we tell and live.

Pastor’s believe lies as well. I know that might be a shock, but it’s true.

And like lies in our personal lives, if we don’t face them, name them and see the impact they have on our lives, they will determine how we lead and what our leadership (and lives) are like.

Here are three of them:

3 lies most pastors believe.

Click To Tweet

1. What happens at my church is because of me.

All pastor’s know this isn’t true, but we easily believe it is. You can tell by their mood after they hear how many people were at church, what the offering was like, how the kid’s ministry went. Much of what they feel about their sermon is based on what they can read on people’s face, the connection they feel or lack thereof.

If numbers are up, our moods tend to be better. If there were no technical mistakes in the service, we feel better.

This isn’t to say that excellence doesn’t matter, cause it does, but it can become a difficult idol to shake.

2. God loves me more when I preach.

I love preaching. I feel like God has gifted me to do it and I love using this gift for His glory. It is an honor. But it is easy for me to feel like God loves me more because I preach or that I feel his presence more in my life when I am preaching.

It is also easier for a pastor to replace their devotional life with sermon prep. When this happens, we aren’t filling up our bucket, but merely giving out.

It is often easier to do something for God than see what God is doing in us. 

3. If I’m not at church, it will fall apart.

As a church planter or pastor, you will battle this. Will people care about your church as much as you do? What happens if your church completely falls apart when you aren’t there? While many struggles with this, I’ve never actually heard of a church closing because a pastor was away for a week. Revolution will not fall apart if I’m not there, but like lie #1, it is easy to fall into.

The healthiest churches are the ones that a pastor can leave for a week or two and give others a chance to step up and lead.

3 lies every pastor believes

Click To Tweet

Posted on

8 Helpful Links for Parents & Leaders 1/18/19

by

It’s the weekend…finally.

And since it’s the weekend, it’s the perfect time to catch up on some reading. Below, you’ll find some articles I came across this week that I found helpful as a leader and parent and hope you do as well.

Before we get to those, I wanted to share some exciting news from our family.

I also wrote two other posts this week that I hope helps you. One is on how to fight for courage in your life. We’re in the new year and maybe you made some goals, maybe you didn’t. My guess is, there is a relationship or somethign in your life that requires courage, a step to take. If so, you have to fight for courage. There are 5 things that can destroy your courage.

The second is how to let go of hurts in your life, especially if you are a leader or in ministry. It is hard when you’ve been betrayed, you’re run down or exhausted, maybe you feel unappreciated or overlooked. At that moment, you have a choice and depending on what you choose will determine where you end up. I give you 9 ways I’ve learned to let go of those hurts so you can move forward. .

And in case you missed them this week. Here are the top 3 posts on my blog this week that I hope you find helpful:

Now, here’s what I found helpful:

If you read my blog, you know I am a big fan of goals, habits and growth plans, so hopefully, you have one for 2019. If you don’t, Brandon Kelley has you covered on how to develop a plan.

Going right along with creating a growth plan is productivity. With a growing church and fast-paced family, it is easy to get lost in the weeds and get overwhelmed. Which is why I appreciated this post of 9 productivity hacks.

If you’re anything like me as a parent, you are trying to figure out the balance of technology in your home, with your kids. When do you give them a phone, social media accounts, etc? How much screen time should they have, what should they do on it? Andy Crouch has a great book called The Tech-Wise Family and he talked recently with Russell Moore about how to handle technology in your family.

The beginning of a new year often means new growth for your church, but it can also mean decline as people move on. Sometimes those reasons are good and other times as a leader, if you’re honest, they are frustrating. This post will help you to know the difference. And here are 24 reasons someone might quit attending your church and what to do about it. And one more, 10 reasons people don’t invite people to church.

As it’s the weekend, it’s a perfect time to review your week. Look for things to celebrate, things to process and changes to make moving forward. Here are 10 questions to help you do that.

This post by Chuck DeGroat on The lost pastor is a startling look at the inner life of pastors and why it is so important to grow your soul as a leader. He shares 3 important steps forward to “being found.”

Posted on

Letting Go of Ministry Hurts

by

I heard a leader say that ministry is a series of ungrieved losses.

And that’s true.

At some point in life, ministry, and leadership you will be hurt. Someone will do something to you, say something to you, about you and it will hurt. While many leaders burn out because they don’t handle physical boundaries well and rest, many more burn out because they don’t let go of ministry hurts.

To lead and live healthy and effectively, you must learn to deal with those losses. To grieve them and move forward.

Here are some hurts pastors deal with:

  • Being stabbed in the back by someone.
  • Being talked about by someone.
  • Angry emails about preaching or ministries.
  • An associate pastor who is leaving to plant a church without the blessing of the church.
  • Counseling sessions that end with people fighting, not taking advice.
  • Too many funerals or tragedies in the church.
  • A family of origin issues in the pastor’s family that he hasn’t dealt with.
  • Marriage hurts that the pastor and his wife aren’t facing or dealing with.
  • A child who wants nothing to do with faith.

When we started Revolution, I took everything personally. I still feel very personally invested in Revolution Church, but I don’t take things as personally as I did before. I’ve heard everything about our church: “we don’t use enough Bible, we use too much Bible, I love that you don’t have a women’s ministry, I hate that you don’t have a women’s ministry, why don’t you fund my personal pet project, my last church did __________, I’m going to leave and plant my church as this doesn’t look that hard, God doesn’t want Revolution Church to exist.” The last one is still my favorite one.

I remember a season where it seemed like I had a conversation each week that sent me over the edge. I was stressed out, not sleeping well, we were losing leaders, and the church wasn’t growing at the rate I had hoped. I was miserable. I took it out on those closest to me, I didn’t serve Revolution well and in the end, wore myself out.

Through that, here are a couple of ways to separate yourself from that hurtful email, conversation, leader leaving or counseling session not going well:

Exercise. One of the best ways to deal with stress is exercise. After a long day or meeting, an hour of Crossfit is just what I need. My headphones are blasting, just me and some weights. Perfect. Maybe you like to run or bike or take a walk. Do it. Getting outside and getting fresh air is incredibly helpful to let go.

Take a nap. Go to sleep. You will make a better decision after sleeping anyway. If you are tired and try to make a decision, it will more than likely be the wrong one. I can’t tell you how many times I have saved myself more heartache and pain by deciding after a nap or a good night sleep.

Write an email and delete it. If you are outraged, respond to that person who hurt you and then delete the email. Sometimes it helps to write out what you are thinking and then let it go. Also, naming things helps to take away the power those things hold over us.

Have times when you are unreachable. Turn your phone off, don’t read your email or look at social media. I do this on the weekend’s, vacations, etc. You have to have times that you are unreachable. As a caveat, have one person on your staff that can reach you if there is an emergency.

Signal the end of the day or season. For me, turning my computer off, going to the gym signal the end of thinking about church and ministry. It is how I let go. I avoid evening commitments outside of my small groups or meetings I need to schedule at all costs for this reason. I do pre-marital counseling during the day now. It is hard for me to relax if I have something in the evening going on. Is this harder for some people? Yes. In the end, though, it serves my church and my family better than having evening commitments.

Have a breaker that is not your wife. When we started Revolution, I would unload onto Katie every stressful meeting or conversation or email. That wasn’t fair at all. After I dumped it onto her, I would feel great. The problem was she had nowhere to go with it. I moved on, and she still felt the effects. Now, I have some other guys who are my breakers. When I’m angry, need some truth spoken to me, I talk with them. Katie is often my 2nd or 3rd conversation, and by that time, my anger has waned, my crazy notions of retribution are gone, and I can talk in a more civilized manner.

Don’t share everything with your wife. I used to do this but now see the wisdom in keeping some things about the church from her. This doesn’t mean I hide stuff from Katie but she doesn’t get paid by the church and she doesn’t need to know everything that is going on there or everyone that is mad at me or creating frustrations for the staff or me. I want her to be able to show up at church and talk to people without thinking, “This person just sent a mean email to my husband.”

Have people you have fun with. If you don’t have fun, you live a sad life. Many pastors I know live a tragic life. They have no hobbies and no friends they have fun with. Have people you watch sports with, play games with, go to concerts, movies or art shows with.

Read something that isn’t ministry or sermon focused. I’ve talked about this before, but one of the best ways I let go of a stressful season in ministry is a reading book about spies or assassins. Something unrelated to ministry, that takes my brain off church mode and allows me to rest it. Try it some time.

Posted on

Tuesday Mind Dump…

by

  • It’s been a while since I’ve posted a mind dump and a lot of things have happened in our family.
  • For one, we bought a house that is closer to where our church meets and we’re moving in the next couple of weeks.
  • Cue excitement and stress!
  • But seriously, we’re really excited about this and what it will mean for our family.
  • I had a blast kicking off our brand new series Forward this past Sunday and talking about the barriers to Christianity and following Jesus.
  • If you’re skeptical of Jesus or have questions, I’d encourage you to watch it.
  • We also kicked off our groups sign-ups this past Sunday and the response has been incredible.
  • In fact, one of the groups has already filled up.
  • If you haven’t signed up yet, you can do so here.
  • Katie and I are launching a short-term marriage group in February around the time we kick off our series on the Song of Solomon called #RelationshipGoals. 
  • So excited for that series and that group!
  • And I might have something fun to share at church this Sunday.
  • Lots of great things going on as we move into 2019.
  • Back to sermon prep and packing and life!
Posted on

Five Things That Destroy Your Courage in Life

by

To accomplish anything in life, you need courage.

You need the courage to get out of bed each morning and face the day. It takes courage to tell a boss, co-worker, spouse or friend what you need or want. It takes courage to lead anything forward. It takes courage to parent. It takes courage to quit a job and leave security to chase a dream.

But courage is easily lost. And when it’s lost, we miss out on new things, great things.

In their excellent book The Practice of Adaptive Leadership, the authors list five things that hold us back from having the courage to face the road ahead:

5 things that hold us back from having the courage to face the road ahead.

Click To Tweet

1. Loyalties to people who may not believe you are doing the right thing. We often underestimate the power of people in our lives, especially people from our past. Teachers, parents, first bosses or coaches, guidance counselors, boyfriends, girlfriends; they all make an impact. They have said things that encouraged us and pushed us forward, but they have also said things that have cut us.

My guidance counselor in high school told me I wasn’t college material and I should give up that goal and get a job working with my hands. That has always rung in my head. I am constantly fighting the battle of feeling like I belong somewhere, or that I am smart enough to be sitting at a table.

Are the loyalties you have to people in your past holding you back in any way? Are there any messages ringing in your head that are keeping you from reaching for a dream?

2. Fear of incompetence. Nobody wants to look dumb, unprepared or not up to the task. Failure paralyzes so many of us.

The reality is, anything new will be a learning curve. Asking for help is difficult for many of us, but is the only way to new things.

If you knew all that you needed to know to reach that future goal or dream, you’d probably be there by now. But you aren’t.

If it’s helpful, make a list of things that you don’t know, do you know anyone who is an expert in those things? Podcasts you can listen to? Books or blogs you can read? Make an effort to grow and fight that fear of incompetence.

Now, this list will be helpful, make a list of things that could go wrong if you had the courage you needed. What is the worse thing that could happen? The irony of this list is that the worst thing that could happen is rarely horrible.

Five Things That Destroy Your Courage in Life

Click To Tweet

3. Uncertainty about taking the right path. Going closely with the fear of incompetence is the deciding on the right way forward. The reality of having courage is that you might take one step forward and three steps back, four steps to the right and then you’ll be on the right path.

That’s okay.

Your life isn’t over. And you aren’t too old to start over or brush off the dirt and move forward.

4. Fear of loss. The reality of anything new, any new dream or goal brings about change.

Change always involves a loss.

Sometimes that loss is good and dead weight that needs to let go of in your life, but often that loss will hurt.

If you’re a leader, you know that any change you make will bring loss because everyone won’t move forward with you. That is difficult for you and those around you.

Life and leadership are about learning to grieve the losses along the way so you can keep moving forward.

5. Not having the stomach for the hard parts of the journey. I once heard someone say that “everything great is uphill.” Probably both ways!

But it will be hard.

You will hit moments where your passion is gone, your energy is zapped, and you wonder if you can make it.

It is at this point that most people get off the dream train.

This is why I think it is so crucial for you to feel a sense of calling, purpose or meaning to what you are going after. Merely liking a challenge or thinking this is the next step for you will not get you through the hard parts.

Five Things That Destroy Your Courage in Leadership

Click To Tweet

You will not experience all five of these today or maybe ever. There will be one that will keep you from reaching the peak of your life. It is important to know which one it is for you so you are able to see it coming a mile away and learn how to combat it.

Posted on

How to Build Loyalty on Your Team

by

I hear from a lot of pastors, and their complaints are often the same: a staff member or volunteer that isn’t fully bought into the vision or bought into the team. Team members who are off doing their own thing instead of the job the team is doing. Backbiting, gossip, half-heartedness about the mission and where things are going.

All of this comes back to loyalty.

The reality is though; everyone shouldn’t be on your team.

Some people are a good fit for a season but don’t belong on your team forever (whether you realize that or they do), some think they should work at a church when they shouldn’t, and sometimes out of frustration or weariness, pastors think of quitting their teams.

What many leaders fail to realize is that loyalty, camaraderie is not built quickly and it isn’t built around the mission of the church as much as it is built around relationships.

Loyalty isn’t built around the mission of the church as much as it is built around relationships.

Click To Tweet

A few years ago, we were interviewing a pastor to join our team, and after interacting with our staff and elders I asked him for his thoughts, and his first response surprised me. He said, “Each of those people would run through a wall for you.”

The reason that surprised me is that I’m not naturally a relational leader. It is something I have had to work at and create systems to make it happen.

But he was right. It also dawned on me; I would run through a wall for them. And they knew that.

As I reflected on that, I realized there were some things I did to create that.

5 ways to build loyalty on your team.

Click To Tweet

1. Be loyal to your team. It’s sad that this is on the list, but I think this is one reason pastors fail to have loyalty on their team and it is because they aren’t loyal to the people on their team.

This took me a while to figure out.

Leaders expect people to follow, bosses expect people to do what they’re told, so they don’t spend a lot of time thinking about loyalty or being loyal to those people.

Some of this comes from past hurts, broken trust or not expecting people to stay, which is a big one in the church world.

2. Explain what you mean by loyalty. Leaders and churches are always throwing around words thinking everyone thinks the same thing. Churches are notorious for this, especially when they say, “Church is a family,” but everyone has a different definition of that.

Same goes with loyalty.

When you say loyalty, what does that mean?

For our team it means: always make everyone on the team look good, have each other’s backs and don’t surprise anyone.

In public (and private) make the other team members look good. Meaning, don’t put them down, don’t gossip, don’t say, “I knew that wouldn’t work.” Have their backs.

And don’t surprise them. I tell my team, if you surprise me, I can’t help you. If something is going wrong, don’t wait, tell me. Let me help you get in front of it.

3. Invest in their life. This is still one of my most significant growth areas but is crucial for loyalty. This is how people feel valued by you as the leader.

How’s their life going? Personal goals? How’s their marriage and parenting? Do you have things you can be praying for them about that aren’t related to their work?

I now spend the first part of my one-on-one times with my team checking in on their lives.

4. Invest in their leadership. Are they growing as a leader because they are on your team? Many staff members in churches would say no to that question, and that is a problem.

Invest in them through books, podcasts, blog posts. Take them to training events that you attend. Pay for coaching and conferences for them to grow as leaders and in their craft. Expose them to new ways of thinking, new ways of doing things. Encourage them to seek out growth opportunities.

5. Give them gifts of thanks and affirmation. When was the last time you said thanks to a team member for something? Or gave them a gift?

This goes a long way to building loyalty on your team and showing care for them.

This is similar to the love languages, but know what affirms them, and what makes them feel appreciated.

Do you know what motivates your team?

Click To Tweet

Steve Stroope says that each of us is motivated by ten things: Money, private thanks, public thanks, more responsibility, input, access, empowerment, significance, knowledge, and tools.

The problem for many leaders is they don’t know what motivates their team or they think everyone is motivated the same way or they think what drives them as a leader is what motivates their whole team.

The ten things that motivate everyone to accomplish things.

Click To Tweet

You should what motivates each of your team members from the list above. Each one is valid and vital. Unfortunately, in the church world is motivated by money is seen as a bad thing, but it doesn’t have to be.

Loyalty, when done correctly not only strengthens the church but is a benefit to everyone on the team. It shows the value of each person and how God has wired them and makes them want to show up for work!

Posted on

The Four Friends Every Pastor Needs

by

Friendships for most men are difficult. Naturally, men aren’t good at friendships. The older we get, the fewer friends we have as we pour into our work, marriage, and kids.

Yet, if we don’t keep up friendships, it will lead us to be very lonely.

The Four Friends Every Man Needs

Click To Tweet

Pastors are just as guilty as the larger population of men, but for different reasons.

Finding and keeping friends can be very difficult for a pastor. It can be awkward for people to be friends with a pastor because they sometimes don’t want to invite their pastor over when they have the guys over for football. It is often easier to think of your pastor as someone you see at church, not someone you hang out with on a Friday night. It can be hard for a pastor because there are times he wants to stop being a pastor and be one of the guys. It is hard for him to turn that off and it is hard for those around him to let that happen.

The Four Friends Every Pastor Needs

Click To Tweet

Trust is also a big factor for pastor’s when it comes to choosing friends. They have experienced hurt in their family of origin, or someone at a former church broke their trust and betrayed them.

Pastor’s will wonder, “If I open up to this person, will they use it against me? Can I be truly honest with this person?” As people in their small group share a prayer request, it is difficult for a pastor to say, “This has been one of the worst weeks at work for me. I’m so frustrated with a co-worker” because everyone knows his co-workers.

Pastor’s and their wife often wonder when someone wants to hang out with them if there are ulterior motives. Do they want to be our friends because they like us or because of what we do? Sadly, people want to be friends with a pastor or his wife, to get closer to the center of the action, to be closer to the power as they see it in a church.

The four types of friends everyone needs.

Click To Tweet

People in a church wonder the same thing. Do the pastor and his wife want to hang out with us because they like us or because they think we need ministry? When they hang out with us, are they working or having fun? The lines of working for many pastors are blurry in their heads because almost anything is “ministry.”

Friendship and community are incredibly crucial to surviving as a pastor or a pastor’s wife. But how does that happen? Brian Bloye, in his book It’s Personal: Surviving and Thriving on the Journey of Church Planting talks about the four types of friends a pastor needs to have in the journey of church planting and pastoring:

The four types of friends every pastor needs.

Click To Tweet

  1. The developer. A friend that makes you better. They encourage you, lift you when you fall, someone who believes in you during times you don’t believe in yourself. Someone you can call on a bad day and they encourage you and help to pick you up — a great cheerleader in your corner who is telling you to keep going, to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
  2. The designer. A mentor, coaching you in life and ministry. Someone who shares the wisdom they’ve gathered in life. Too many pastors walk through ministry without any coach. Find one. The coaches I have had have been invaluable to me. Some I’ve known for over a decade, others have come and gone in my life in different seasons, but you must have someone you can call and say, “I’m facing this, what would you do?”
  3. The disturber. The friend who rocks your boat. He’s there to bring discomfort to your world, not comfort. This friend challenges your ideas, is not impressed by you. Not a yes man. This can also be someone who isn’t a follower of Jesus who pushes you in your faith and asks hard questions about beliefs as they are wrestling through them personally. Or someone who is pushing you as a leader, father or parent.
  4. The discerner. An accountability partner. Someone who looks you in the eye and asks the hard questions about your life and where you stand with things. This person walks with you through life’s highs and lows.
The four types of friends every man needs.

Click To Tweet

Posted on

My 10 Favorite Books of 2018

by

Each year I post a list of my favorite books, the ones I would call the best books of the year. To see my list of favorite books from past years, click on the numbers: 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016. I loved looking back through the books I read this year as it helps me to see where I’ve grown, what God has taken me, my family and our church through. If you’re curious about the books I read this year, you can check this out.

Need a book to read in 2019? Here are 10 you should read.

Click To Tweet

Before getting to my list, let me share with you three novels I read. The reason I start with novels is that they are fun and all of us (especially leaders) need more fun and imagination in our lives. I always try to have a novel going to take my mind off work and relax.

My three favorite novels in 2018 were:

3 novels you should read over Christmas break.

Click To Tweet

Now, here are my 10 favorite books:

10. Thrive: The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating a Life of Well-Being, Wisdom, and Wonder by Arianna Huffington

I found this book to be incredibly helpful to me. If you’ve followed my writing, you will see several studies I’ve posted about in the section on well-being, but I enjoyed the chapter on wisdom and wonder. I am drawn more and more to what will bring about a life worth living, not just accomplishing a whole bunch of stuff that will be forgotten and not matter. This book also helped me think through a better bedtime routine and why sleep matters so much.

9. When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing by Daniel Pink

I loved this book. This book completely changed how I set up my days and when I do what I do and when I skip things. So helpful if you want to get the most out of your days.

8. I’d Like You More If You Were More like Me: Getting Real about Getting Close by John Ortberg

If you’re like me, intimacy in relationships and letting people get close can be difficult. For me, this comes out of my story, but for each of us, this is a roadblock not only in marriage and family but also in friendships and at work. It keeps us from feeling fulfilled, accomplishing what we’d like to and ultimately, miserable. This book helped me to see how best to move forward and let people get close.

7. Didn’t See It Coming: Overcoming the Seven Greatest Challenges That No One Expects and Everyone Experiences by Carey Nieuwhof

If you’re a leader, you should read this book.

The chapter on cynicism was worth the whole book for me. I found myself nodding over and over about this crucial battle that I fight on a daily basis. It also opened me up to other heart battles I may not be aware of, which I think is an essential thing for each of us to be mindful of as we lead.

6. Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People by Vanessa Van Edwards

If you are an introvert who is a speaker and a leader, you need to read this book.

In it, she unpacks how to connect with people from a stage, at a party, in a meeting, and over coffee. Her chapter on engagement was incredible and being able to see the best way to “captivate” people is something we could all grow in or take our leadership to the next level.

5. Survival Guide for the Soul: How to Flourish Spiritually in a World that Pressures Us to Achieve by Ken Shigematsu

This book was so convicting and helpful to me. The best way to describe this book is that it was a breath of fresh air for me when I read it.

4.  Suffering: Gospel Hope When Life Doesn’t Make Sense by Paul Tripp

I read this book for a sermon series I did on how God is with us in life’s darkest and most painful moments. This book is part theology, part memoir and I think one of the most helpful books on pain, hurt and suffering.

3. The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb: Searching for Jesus’ Path of Power in a Church that Has Abandoned It by Jamin Goggin and Kyle Strobel

Leadership, power, pride, and humility. If you are a leader, you know the interplay of these things in your heart and life and this book helps to unpack what strength and weakness in leadership look like and what God calls us to. The Way of the Dragon… was an incredibly convicting book.

2. Boundaries for Your Soul: How to Turn Your Overwhelming Thoughts and Feelings into Your Greatest Allies by Kimberly Miller and Allison Cook

This book easily could have been #1. If you are an 8, 3 or 1 on the Enneagram, I can’t recommend this book enough. It covered family systems and how we navigate those, but what I found most helpful was how it talked about “getting curious about your emotions.” When you feel anger, hurt, sadness, joy; get curious about them. Why are you feeling those things? Where did it come from in your story and life? What is it trying to tell you?

1. The Messy Middle: Finding Your Way Through the Hardest and Most Crucial Part of Any Bold Venture by Scott Belsky

This book is about how to finish something you start. How to finish a church, business, etc. Why? Most things that start don’t’ finish because the person who started it fizzles out. They lack the systems they need, the endurance and strength to get through the messy middle. The first section on endurance was the first book that I felt like nailed what it is like to be a church planter better than any other book. I’ve seen some people call this the business book of the year, so it’s worth the effort as it’s long.