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Guest Post: Sticky Sermons Academy

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If you had to guess, what do you think is the number one reason unchurched people choose a church to attend?

It’s not the music. It’s not the lights. It’s not even the kid’s ministry – at least at first.

It’s the preaching.

Thom Rainer and his team did research in this area and discovered that 90% of unchurched people gave the preaching as the reason they chose a church. WOW!

Gallup did research in this area, too. They determined that sermon content is what appeals most to churchgoers. More specifically, churchgoers are hungry for sermons that teach Scripture and are relevant to life.

All that to say, the sermon is important in SO many ways!

But I know the struggle and the grind that comes with preaching.

I understand that you’re busy. I understand that every week can be drastically different – sometimes making your sermon prep process a jumbled mess. Oh, and Sunday comes every week. And that fact, in and of itself, can be stressful when you’re working from scratch every week.

And heck, that’s just weekly prep work. There’s so much more to preaching.

Sermon writing is often a grind, right? And surely you feel the pressure to bring it with a sermon perfectly crafted that will keep people listening, stir them up a bit, and see them respond in some tangible way week in and week out.

*Insert cheesy TV voice* But wait, there’s more!

Good sermon delivery often feels so subjective that you don’t even know where to start in order to improve. And if all that weren’t enough, preaching can be painfully isolating. Then, add the overwhelming number of cultural issues our people are facing and struggling to deal with… And let’s not forget about our ever-changing methods of communication that present great opportunities for the furthering of the gospel message but can often be overwhelming to church leaders.

Whew. I’m sweating and it’s only Tuesday!

But what’s the point of all this?

I’m glad you asked. We have been hard at work putting together the most helpful, practical, and transformative resource we’ve ever created. And we’ve been doing it all for you.

It’s called Sticky Sermons Academy.

Sticky Sermons Academy is an online course and private community designed to help you preach memorable sermons week in and week out.

By diving in and giving yourself to the process, you’ll walk away with:

  • A sermon prep process that is for YOU and YOUR context – not mine or someone else’s.
  • A plan to get FAR ahead on your sermon planning and the tools to do it effectively.
  • A proven framework for sermon writing that adopts the elements of story so people will listen and respond to your messages.
  • Storytelling skills that will empower you to tell stories and anecdotes in the most effective way possible.
  • Sermon delivery techniques to focus on, work on, and improve on that will take your messages to a noticeably other level.
  • The how-to of preaching the gospel in every sermon and addressing cultural ideas in a gospel framework.
  • Strategies, tactics, and the how-to of extending your sermon past Sunday through digital communication channels – i.e. social media, email, blog, video, audio, etc.

And on top of this, we have a bonus section of video interviews where we dive into the many angles of preaching sticky sermons with pastors and church communicators of all church sizes and contexts. We’ll even be adding more in the future.

We believe that Sticky Sermons Academy can be a gamechanger in your life if you commit, work hard, and give yourself to the process.

Enrollment is now open!

Click here to learn more and enroll.

Also, you can get $50 off the course for the first 24 hours (this expires Wednesday, March 7th at 11am Eastern).

Just enter the coupon code FASTMOVER at checkout.

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Brandon Kelley is a pastor at The Crossing on the east side of Cincinnati. He is the co-founder of RookiePreacher.com and the author of Preaching Sticky Sermons. You can connect with him on Twitter @BrandonKelley_.

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How to Love Difficult to Love People

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Have you noticed that there are people in the world that are hard to love?

I know. Surprising isn’t it!

People disappoint us on a daily basis.

The people closest to us will often give us the deepest and most painful scars.

You disappoint people.

You will give the deepest and most painful scars to those closest to you.

For most people, we look past it, shrug and keep moving.

Yet, there is so much more to be had in relationships.

In Matthew 5:44 Jesus makes a startling statement, to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

What’s telling about this verse is, first, we will have enemies. We will have people who persecute us.

As I thought about this verse this past week, I was blown away by how often I’m surprised by this. We all are. But in reading Matthew 5, it seems like we shouldn’t be surprised by it.

Jesus doesn’t tell us why we will have enemies or persecution, only that we will and what to do when it happens.

Don’t be surprised when you have enemies.

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Now, some enemies come along because we make them and do something to hurt someone else. Some enemies come because of sin and evil in the heart of another.

What do we do with enemies? What do we do with people who hurt us? Make life difficult?

We pray for them.

Are you praying for the people in your life who are difficult to love?

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Notice that prayer and love are connected, so you get the idea that Jesus isn’t talking about calling down the wrath of God or thunderbolts, but praying as you would for someone you loved. Which means you’d pray for their good, their blessing.

Let’s stop here.

This is often the last thing we want to do.

This is hard and painful.

Why do this?

Jesus tells us so we can reflect the Father.

Have you ever wondered, What is it like to be on the other side of me?

What is it like to be on the other side of me?

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If you’re a follower of Jesus, the answer to that question should be, “It’s like being with God the Father.”

Can you picture the relationship that is the hardest for you? The person who is hardest to love?

Every relationship has a tough season and hard times, and sometimes those go on for a while. Things irritate us and hurt us — words, silence, and looks, distance.

Every relationship book will tell you the same thing, the way we keep intimacy in a relationship is what happens once something is broken, the next move.

What does Jesus tell us in Matthew 5?

Love, go the extra mile, do the unexpected, allow that friend to take advantage of your generosity.

What is amazing about all of this is that it is unexpected, but it is also something you decided ahead of time. They didn’t do it, you did. You chose it.

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How Pastors Should Think and Make Decisions

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The longer I’m in leadership, the more I’m learning that thinking and making decisions constitute the majority of your time. You are constantly putting out fires, making choices, deciding what your church will or won’t do, what will get money, what will get time and effort, and what won’t.

In talking with older pastors or pastors of larger churches, the pastors who can think well do better.

Growing churches are often led by pastors who can make decisions better than others.

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In that vein, I began looking for books that can teach a leader to think better and make better decisions. Enter Think Like a Freak: How to Think Smarter about Almost Everything by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner.

Here are six things I took away to improve at thinking and making decisions:

6 ways to improve how you make decisions.

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1. Incentives are the cornerstone of modern life. And understanding them—or, often, deciphering them—is the key to understanding a problem and how it might be solved. A reason must be given for acting. Churches often fail at incentives. Pastors think people should do what they say in a sermon because it is in the Bible (and they should), but tell them why. Help everyone understand the incentive for doing it. This doesn’t mean giving them a health and wealth gospel, but there are blessings and benefits to following Jesus and taking God at his word.

2. Knowing what to measure and how to measure it can make a complicated world less so. Most decisions in a church are incorrect because they aren’t measuring the right thing or solving the actual problem. Make sure that you are measuring what needs to be measured. A helpful book on that is Innovating Discipleship: Four Paths to Real Discipleship Results by Will Mancini.

Leaders know what to measure and how to measure something.

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3. A growing body of research suggests that even the smartest people tend to seek out evidence that confirms what they already think, rather than new information that would give them a more robust view of reality. This is what the Heath brothers call the curse of knowledge, and many pastors and churches suffer from it. Often, to get the right answer or an answer that will help your church or life, you have to clear your mind of what you think is right. This can come from asking different questions, thinking about what someone else would do if they hadn’t started the ministry, program or church. New information is not always bad and can often lead to a better answer.

4. It has long been said that the three hardest words to say in the English language are I love you. We heartily disagree! For most people, it is much harder to say I don’t know. That’s a shame, for until you can admit what you don’t yet know, it’s virtually impossible to learn what you need to. Christians are terrible at saying, “I don’t know.” Leaders are just as bad at it. Yet, most of the time you don’t know. You don’t know what to say in a meeting, to a person you are counseling, or when you are sharing your faith. So say, “I don’t know, but I’ll find out.” It’s okay to admit it. If you don’t know and then provide an answer, everyone will know that you don’t know and will lose respect for you.

5. Just because you’re great at something doesn’t mean you’re good at everything. The longer you are a leader, the more something you lead grows, the more people want your opinion on things, not just your area of expertise. Yet, you are an expert at something, not everything. I’m starting to learn the need to continue to specialize my knowledge and skills and stay focused on those areas where I add the most value and not get distracted.

Just because you’re great at something doesn’t mean you’re good at everything.

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6. Whatever problem you’re trying to solve, make sure you’re not just attacking the noisy part of the problem that happens to capture your attention. Find the root cause of a problem. Churches are filled with the squeaky wheel. The person who complains about everything or always says, “We need to have ___.” Or, “Why don’t we do ___?” “My last church did ___.” “My last pastor did ___.” This person is usually loud or has some influence, and so most churches acquiesce to them so they will be quiet. Yet, that doesn’t actually solve the problem. Starting a new ministry or program won’t always solve the problem. Why? Because the problem churches are solving is the squeaky wheel, not the need. For example, starting a men’s ministry will not solve the problem of men looking at porn. How do I know? Millions of men look at it and thousands of churches have men’s ministries.

In terms of making decisions and learning how to think through problems more fully, this is a great book. While not written by Christians, it was highly entertaining and incredibly insightful.

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Links for Leaders 2/23/18

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It’s the weekend…finally. The perfect time to grab a cup of coffee and catch up on some reading. Below, you’ll find some articles I came across this week that I found helpful as a leader and parent and hope you do as well.

Before diving into those, in case you missed them this week. Here are the top 3 posts on my blog this week that I hope you find helpful:

I just wrapped up a relationship series at our church called Him & Her and so I’m writing some new related content around the series: The Key to Healthy Relationships, The Power of Sexuality and Our Longing for Intimacy in Relationships, 3 Things that Make a Great Marriage and How to Love Those Who Mean the Most to You.

I love this article about Ray Ortlund and his ministry. It was deeply encouraging to me. To see how I don’t have to be great in my 30’s or do anything incredible for Jesus, but can have the greatest decade in my 60’s and 70’s. I also love that he planted a church at 58 since so many people in their 30’s feel like they missed out on something. For those who feel like life has passed you by, this is an encouraging read.

Carey Nieuwhof shares what will drive church growth in the future. There are a ton of great insights here.

If you’re like me, you love new ways of communicating, marketing, etc. In doing that though, it is easy to miss those old things still work. Rich Birch shares 4 old school communication methods that churches should use. We use some of these but will start using more of these as well.

Most leadership blogs and books on what leaders do. Brian Dodd shares great insight about the 8 things great leaders know.

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Doubt, Faith & Hope (Mark 9)

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Doubt is something all of us have at different points in our lives. It can be related to relationships and doubting whether or not someone cares for us, will be there for us, or

can be counted on. It might be around finances and doubting if we’ll make it through a situation, but where doubt shows up the most is in our relationship with God.

We wonder if God hears us, cares for us, and wants to be close to us. We wonder if God has the power to change us, take away our hurt, our sins, change someone close to us, or has the power to heal us or a loved one.

In his helpful book Help My Unbelief: Why Doubt Is Not the Enemy of Faith, Barnabas Piper makes the distinction between doubt based on belief (the anchor of God) and doubt that undermines belief.

I think what matters with doubt is what we do with it.

The father in Mark 9 took his doubt directly to Jesus.

He didn’t hide with it, run from it, or pretend it wasn’t there.

Frederick Buechner said, “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief” is the best any of us can do really, but thank God it is enough.

The father in Mark 9 struggled because of the immense pain he had for his son. He longed for his son to be healed, he was desperate, which is why he comes to Jesus and says, “If you can.”

Jesus responds that anything is possible for the one who believes.

Believes what?

That Jesus can.

The father throws himself on the power of Jesus.

Too often in my life, when it comes to doubt, I simply move in to control it. Others run from it and hide. Others lash out at the situation, but what we are called to do is throw it onto the power of Jesus.

Don’t forget the context of Mark 9 because that is crucial.

This comes right after the transfiguration, where we see who Jesus is, that he is God in human flesh, greater than Elijah and Moses, but that he is also the redemption longed for, the freedom longed for.

I think another thing is important in Mark 9 as it relates to doubt.

Hope.

Too often I hear people talk about life, where they are, what they are going through, as hopeless.

It’s easy to do. Life feels overwhelming. It feels like we are stuck and can’t move forward.

Yet for the follower of Jesus, it is never hopeless.

A follower of Jesus should never shrug and say, “It can’t get better. All is lost.” Or, “I don’t know how long I’ll be stuck.” Or, “I keep doing the same thing over and over and can’t move forward.”

That’s hopeless.

The father in Mark 9 is clinging to the smallest shred of hope, but he is still clinging and that is crucial.

Why?

Again, the words of Jesus in Mark 9:23: All things are possible.

All things.

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How to Focus

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If you’re anything like me, you need to focus. There are times when you need to hunker down and get things done. Yet, your mind wanders. You daydream or think about what will happen later today or tomorrow. It could be a conversation, a meeting or a vacation you can’t wait to start.

Your lack of focus might come from no desire to do what you are doing, how hard something is or because you didn’t sleep well last night.

Many times the reason I am not able to focus well is because of the whirlwind around.

Focus comes from having “white space.” This is the place where you are able to shut down social media or email and think. To narrow down what matters the most right now.

I’ve heard John Maxwell say that leaders could stop doing 80% of what they’re doing and no one would notice. That feels high, but there is some merit to it.

Each day you must be able to say, “If I accomplish nothing else today, here’s what must get done.” That focus helps you to stay on track.

When you find your brain wandering, stand up, walk around, get some fresh air and then return to something.

Focus for Your Church or Organization

Focus doesn’t just matter for you personally, but it has enormous implications for your team and your church.

Many teams lack focus. They are stuck in a whirlwind of activity, simply doing the thing right in front of them. In a church, this is easy to do because worship services come around with such regularity (every seven days), so there is a deadline to that whirlwind.

For our team, just like in our family, we talk through what is most important for the next 2-6 months as a team. What are we all going to be working on and moving towards?

Why Focus Matters

Without focus, anything and everything is important.

This is where many churches and people get off track in their lives and ministries.

Focus says, this matters more than that.

That is hard to say, because it determines ahead of time what you will think about, work on, spend money on and give manpower to.

Whether you sit down and write this out or say it, you do this exercise each day.

The ones who accomplish things and see greater effectiveness are the ones who decide this instead of falling into it.

The days that I flop into bed with a feeling of “what did I really accomplish today” are the days I wasn’t focused and allowed my day to get away from me.

Amazingly, as you read through the gospels you see the incredible focus that Jesus had. He was fully present wherever he went. Whether he was teaching, healing, resting, praying or spending time with his disciples, he was focused on what he was doing. When you think about what he did, you also get a sense of the things he didn’t do. He made the choices we have to make each and everyday: what will get our time, energy and attention.

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10 Ideas for a Great Valentine’s Day

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In honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d share the top 14 marriage and relationship posts that Katie and I have written over the years. Thanks for learning and growing with us over the years. Bookmark this page to use as a resource you can come back to. Katie and I hope this helps take your marriage to the next level.

  1. 11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage
  2. 18 Things Every Husband Should Know about His Wife
  3. When You and Your Spouse aren’t on the Same Page
  4. 10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly
  5. When You Manipulate Your Husband, You Lose Him
  6. 10 Ways to Know if You’re Putting Your Kids Before Your Spouse
  7. 7 Reasons You Aren’t Communicating with your Spouse
  8. Stop Pretending Your Marriage is Great
  9. Lies Couples Believe About Marriage
  10. The Power of Sex and Our Longing for Intimacy
  11. When Your Spouse Disappoints You
  12. Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Listen to You
  13. 3 Things that Make a Great Marriage
  14. The One Thing Destroying Your Marriage That You Don’t Realize

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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How to Love Those Who Mean the Most to You

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Every marriage and relationship is different, and every person is different. But every marriage and relationship have one thing in common, a desire to be closer and to be more in love.

Throughout the day we send out signals, what one author called “bids.” We’ll ask people if they saw the game last night, if they watched that show, read that blog, what they’re doing this weekend.

Why?

To connect.

While some couples may feel distant and feel like the fun and love have worn off from their marriage, it is never too late.

I’m always sad whenever I hear couples talk as if their marriage is as good as it can get. We feel the same about friendships. At least I have someone to watch the Super Bowl with. Could be worse!

So, how do you build love back into a loveless marriage? How do you rekindle love that feels like it has worn out? How do you feel more fulfilled and happier in your marriage?

How do you love those closest to you?

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Honestly, it isn’t as hard as you might think.

The next time you are with your spouse or friend, ask them: What is one thing I can do to make your life more enjoyable? To make you feel more loved? To lessen the stress in your life?

Ask your spouse: What is one thing I can do to make your life more enjoyable?

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The answers from your spouse might be: to have coffee ready in the morning, to pick up your clothes, to pick up the kids at school, to have dinner ready by a certain time, to have a meal plan for the week, cleaning up the kitchen before going to bed, no smartphones after 8pm. It might be more affection, more date nights, more time alone for mom, more sex, more talking, more face to face activities (what women enjoy), or more shoulder to shoulder activities (which men enjoy). It might be a huge request or a small one.

Ask your spouse: What can I do to bring down the stress level in your life?

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Your friend might say, “Let me pick what we do. Stop talking to me like that. Say yes to help me next time I ask.”

A few years ago Katie and I were beginning to feel like we had settled into a routine in our marriage, and we wanted to shake out of it. So we asked each other this in a conversation. We began to see how we had taken the other for granted and what would begin building back into our relationship. Revisiting this conversation can be incredibly helpful for couples.

Now a word of warning. There is a chance that what your spouse or friend will say is something you don’t want to do or think you are already doing, and they should be grateful for what you do. It can be easy to blow off what they say because you don’t want it. This response can be destructive to your relationship because your spouse or friend will probably not mention it again, and a divide will begin in your relationship.

As you move forward from this conversation, try it out for a week. See how it goes. Try it out for a month and then evaluate it. You may find it isn’t so bad. Your spouse may decide they really don’t want what they requested as much as they thought.

In the end, you are moving towards the other person and showing love to them in a way that makes sense to them, and that is never a bad thing.

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When You Quit Too Soon

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At some point, we are tempted to quit something.

It might be a job, a church plant, a team, a diet or workout plan, a book, a degree program or even a difficult marriage.

Why?

Because we’re human, and when things get difficult, many of us want to pack up and go home.

But what if on the other side of that difficulty is what we have longed for all along?

I think many times when we quit, we miss out on what God has for us.

Why do we quit?

Sacrifice.

It is hard.

Difficult.

Painful even.

Ross Perot said:

Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game one foot from a winning touchdown.

I think what often sets people apart is their ability to persevere in something when it is difficult.

If you watch great athletes, the ones who win the gold medal, hold up the trophy or score the winning point, you will often see someone who was willing to live through pain, hardship, and difficulty. What you don’t see is the workout at 4am, the eating plan they put themselves through, the saying “no” to a night out with friends to get 10 hours of sleep. You don’t see the 1,000 jump shots they took each day, the miles they swam or ran, or the weights they lifted beyond what even they thought they could do.

When you see a couple in their 50s laughing together and genuinely enjoying each other’s presence, what you don’t see are the sleepless nights because they wouldn’t go to bed angry but instead worked through that argument. The tension of dealing with past hurt and past baggage and bringing it all to light so they could move forward. The hours spent holding hands and praying together about facing the road ahead. You don’t see the hundreds and thousands of compliments and little annoyances they decided to overlook instead of making a big deal about it.

What is on the other side of that difficulty or hardship? Very likely the breakthrough you’ve been waiting for.

Most leaders are tempted to quit moments before their critical breakthrough. – Carey Nieuwhof

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But how do you know? How do you know if you should quit or keep moving, especially in a job like leadership?

Here are some things that I ask myself or encourage others to ask themselves:

Am I getting enough sleep? Often, but not always, the reason we are in a difficult season or want to quit is related to our sleep. When we are tired, we make poor eating choices, cut things out of our life that could be beneficial, have a short fuse with people and have a fogginess when it comes to our choices and thinking. This is why we often make better decisions in the morning instead of later in the afternoon.

Do I have enough outlets for stress? Leaders need outlets for stress – things that recharge them and help them keep going. Those outlets, when used correctly, will often help you stay the course. Things like sleeping, sabbath, eating well, working out, community. All of these are incredibly important to staying the course.

What led up to this season or desire to quit? A desire to quit often comes when we don’t know what else to do, but looking backward can be a helpful thing. Was there a leadership choice, a hire, a new launch that led to this season? Sometimes, we want to quit because we are running from something and a new opportunity or throwing in the towel is easier. Whenever a pastor calls me and says he’s thinking about leaving his church, the first question I ask him is, “What about your church is difficult right now?” Often, we are running from difficulty.

What does my community look like? It is easier to throw in the towel when we’re alone. Most sin happens in isolation. Community has a way of shining the light into places it needs to be. Many leaders leave a place because of isolation and loneliness.

What is my relationship with God like? Lastly, what is your relationship with God like? Too many pastors fall into, “God told me to leave” because it is hard to argue with. God may have called you to leave, but He may be telling you to endure as well. I can tell you that one is easier.

Only you know if you should quit something. You know what led to that season and choice, but you don’t know what’s on the other side of it. There have been many times in my over 10 years in Tucson that leaving would’ve been the easier choice, but each time I’ve stopped to ask myself these questions and others, I’m glad I kept walking in what God called me.

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3 Things that Make a Great Marriage

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Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen, although we think they do. We think two people magically just work together, never fight, never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right all of a sudden seem all wrong?

Here are five ways relationships go from working to broken:

5 reasons marriages stop working.

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1. It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, and putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work.

2. It hurts too much to face their past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad, your mom, they said words similar to an abuser or someone who you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and in the power of Jesus see it redeemed. Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work and can be incredibly painful. In any argument you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we actually fighting about this? What are we really fighting about? Who am I really fighting with?”

3. They’re lazy and selfish, they want the other person to do all the work and all the changing. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy. Serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first takes work. Often, too, we want the other person to put in the work to become the healthy person while we stay unhealthy. “I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with my hurt.”

4. They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes people are in an unhealthy relationship because they think they are less sinful than the other person. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this, but they hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn up their noses at the thought of putting in the hard work to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault, but deep down they are the least sinful person they know.

5. Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone. You might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation does mean that you don’t hold it against the person anymore, that you don’t bring up the past. You stop saying, “Remember…?”

5 things that hurt a marriage.

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So what do healthy couples do?

They do many things, but here are a few:

1. They grow close to Jesus. This may seem obvious, but if you stray from Jesus, stop reading your Bible, feel your relationship with Jesus suffer, lots of things go wrong. Your desire to fight sin goes down. Your desire to serve your spouse goes down. Your desire to love your spouse goes down. Your desire to stay pure goes down, all because of one thing. Couples who make it to the end keep God at the center of their marriage. They grow together spiritually, they take control of their spiritual lives and don’t leave it to chance. They read solid books together, they pray together, they have a plan for how they will disciple their kids (they don’t leave that to chance either). They attend church together, are in a Christian community and serve to use their gifts and talents. God is not some figure that appears periodically in their marriage but is what the marriage and family revolve around. Men are asking how they can help their wife grow and become all that God has called her to be.

2. They protect their marriage. This is something couples kind of stumble through. They take their vows, wear rings, but too many don’t protect themselves when it comes to their minds, hearts and eyes. Yes, they make sure not to sleep with someone they aren’t married to, but everything else is fair game. A couple who lasts does not do that. The only thing on their menu is their spouse. They protect their eyes, they aren’t looking at porn, they aren’t fantasizing about that girl at work or the guy in the movie. They aren’t dreaming about their romance novel, they aren’t acting out (even with their spouse) in their mind. They act out with their spouse (and only their spouse). They make sure nothing will tear them and their spouse apart.

This isn’t just about vows and promises but about the priority you place on your relationship compared to other relationships. Your kids matter and you love them, but your kids come after your marriage. One of the fastest ways to go from a great marriage to being roommates is placing your kids above your spouse. One day your kids will be gone, and you will have only your spouse. At this point, most couples split because they no longer need to stay together for the kids, and they have nothing in common. Don’t let that happen. This doesn’t mean you neglect your kids and not do anything with them, but it means they come after your marriage. If you’re not sure where you stand on this, here are 10 ways to know you are putting your kids in front of your marriage.

3. They pursue each other. Pursuit is what got you married (because you started pursuing when you dated). Pursuit is what keeps a marriage healthy, and pursuit is the first thing to go out the window of most marriages. The couples who last don’t leave this to chance. They make time for their spouse, they have a yearly getaway with their spouse, weekly date nights and they do fun things with their spouse. I’ve never had a couple who did this tell me they regretted it. I’ve had lots of couples tell me how they long for this. Here are some ideas for doing date night at home, some rules we have for date night and some help for when date night falls apart.

Know that affection is the first thing to go and fight against that. Affection is what goes first. Kissing when you say goodbye, holding hands, snuggling. Life is busy, you know your spouse, you have them now, your kids are climbing all over you, you are running late, you are tired and want to sleep, you are worried if you snuggle he will want sex and you just want to go to sleep. All of these things happen to couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other at one time. Fight this. When you kiss, kiss for 5-10 seconds. Throw some tongue in when you are just saying hello or goodbye. Gross your kids out. Hold hands in the car. Kiss at a red light. Snuggle at night. I’ve said this before and people tell me I’m wrong, but I’m not: the amount of sex you have, the amount of affection you have, is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is. Show me a couple with little affection and little sex, and I will show you a couple going in opposite directions.

3 Things that Make a Great Marriage.

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The relationships that are healthy and growing take intentionality, and they take specific choices. Otherwise you drift into unhealthiness.