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Goals Tip: Focus on 1, Not 5

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It’s the time of year when everyone is talking about resolutions or goals.

Some people are only talking about them because they plan to avoid them.

But the reality is, all of us set goals at different times in our lives.

It might be the goal to lose weight, change a relationship, get a new job, ask for a raise or promotion, go back to school, read more and get outside and start a hobby.

Here’s a goal tip.

Focus on one, not five (or two or three or ten).

Too often we set out to change our marriage, help with a child’s school, fix our heart issues or problems, get ahead at work or school, lose weight or get out of debt.

Do you know what that will all take?

Time and energy.

A lot of it.

We often underestimate the cost in those areas when we set a goal or make a change.

Changing your marriage will not happen overnight. You can’t fix a problem that has been growing for 13 years in eight weeks. That pain or hurt you’ve carried around for a decade will not go away from a few counseling sessions.

It will take time.

And we hate that.

Be okay that it might take a year or two for major progress to be seen.

Many of our goals are not one month projects but life altering processes.

Many of our goals are not one month projects but life altering processes.

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It will also take energy, not just physical energy but often emotional energy.

I remember when I lost 130 pounds in 18 months. Yes, it took physical energy and time, but it took a lot of emotional energy as I confronted why I turned to food and the role food played in my life.

This is never easy work.

I think that is why goals often get set aside, because we get into them and see how difficult they’ll be.

But it is also why we choose more than one. If we fail, we shrug and move on.

As you set your goal for the year, and I hope you do,

lay out the time and energy it will take. Ask, “Do I have the time and energy for this? Do I have the bandwidth to tackle this? What needs to change in my schedule, rhythm or outlook for me to move forward on this?”

Let me close with this.

Often we get discouraged not only because we don’t feel like we’re moving forward but because we feel like we are moving backwards or at best standing still. If you have a goal, this isn’t true (even if it feels like it).

Be okay with how long it will take. Enter that process.

But don’t try to short cut it and move past the hard things. It’s okay if you aren’t done, but (and this is key) don’t try to live like it is. Stay engaged in the change that is happening and what is going on in your life.

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Christmas is Over, Now What?

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I don’t know about you, but there is something about the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day. For some of us it is a hopeful, fun time as we look towards the coming year. For others, it is a time of regret from Christmas or simply going through the motions from the holiday.

Some call it the Christmas blues, others chalk it up as getting older. But they are real feelings.

I came across this quote a few years ago, and I feel like it encapsulates what a lot of people feel around Christmas (I can’t remember where I found it):

Christmas Eve. The perfect picture of anticipation: sleepless excitement for something we’ve been waiting for all year. Every year on December 24, my parents let us open a present. This was a teaser, a taste of things to come, and we kids relished it. Of course, it wasn’t much of a surprise – my mom always got us new pajamas, even when we didn’t need them. But still, it was a ritual of hope, one in which we celebrated the gift of giving and the joy of gratitude. Christmas morning. An unfortunate picture of disappointment. I am obviously only one person with his own set of experiences, but as I talk to others, I find similar feelings of frustration. As they get older, many people seem to develop a general distrust toward any day that promises to fill the emptiness they’ve felt all year long. This explains the rise in suicides during this season and why, for some, Christmas is a reminder of the inevitable letdown of life. The unfortunate answer to the question, “Did you get everything you wanted?” is, of course, no. And we feel terrible about this. Why can’t we be happy? Why can’t we be satisfied? Will we ever be content with what we have – with the gifts in our stockings, the toys under the tree? Why is there this constant thirst for more?

As I thought about it today, I started to wonder if we set ourselves up for failure leading up to Christmas. Christmas in many ways can be like a wedding and the letdown afterwards on the honeymoon. Follow me for a second. All of this pressure, build up, energy, stress, thinking and money go into Christmas and a wedding. Then it’s over. The parties, the gifts, family, friends, the tree, decorations, cards, Christmas specials, church services, and meals are over. Then we sit around looking at our gifts, watching our kids play with them and get tired of them and play with them some more.

You wake up on December 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th or 30th and wonder, “What now?”

Here are some things that came to mind as I prayed through this feeling for me that might be helpful for you:

Some ideas to survive the “Christmas blues.”

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Stop and take a breath. Slow down. December is a mad sprint for most of us. You went to more parties than you can count and ate more calories than you care to remember. You are tired. Take a break. Maybe take a nap. Read a good book, spend some extended time in your Bible. But give some time to slow down. Stop rushing. Sit down.

Get moving. As important as it is to sit down and take a break, it is equally important to get moving. Not in the way you did in December but moving around. Sitting around your house can be depressing after Christmas. You need to get out, take a run, a long walk, or a hike. Exercise. Get moving. I love to take a walk and listen to some good worship music (here’s my favorite playlist for that) and connect with God in creation.

Say thanks. Be thankful for what you have. Remember, someone is grateful with less than what you have. You may not have as much as someone else, but you have what God has seen fit to give you right now. Also, you may not see the next Christmas, or someone you just celebrated with may not see the next Christmas, so savor the moments. That isn’t meant to be depressing but a challenge to enjoy and savor what you have and what you’ve experienced. Take a little longer in those hugs or laughs or cries. We rush through Christmas and miss these moments, and then when family is gone and life is back to normal, we miss them.

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Links for Leaders 12/22/17

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It’s the weekend…finally (and it’s almost Christmas!!!). The perfect time to grab a cup of coffee and catch up on some reading. Below, you’ll find some articles I came across this week that I found helpful as a leader and parent and hope you do as well.

Before diving into those, in case you missed them this week. Here are the top 3 posts from my blog this week that I hope you find helpful:

Now, onto the posts I liked:

When should you give your kids a phone and what do you need to know before doing that? These are questions Katie and I are asking right now and this article from parent cue was incredibly helpful.

Christmas Eve is this weekend, which means lots of excitement and guests at many churches across America. But will those guests come back in January? Greg Atkinson who consults with a lot of churches on first impressions and guest services has 8 reasons why they won’t. 

The week between Christmas and New Years should be restful but for many of us, we’ll struggle with that. Here are some ideas to help you rest after Christmas.

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What Christmas Tells Us

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The emphasis on light in darkness comes form the Christian belief that the world’s hope comes from outside of it. The giving of gifts is a natural response to Jesus’ stupendous act of self-giving, when he laid aside his glory and was born into the human race. The concern for the needy recalls that the Son of God was born not into an aristocratic family but into a poor one. The Lord of the universe identified with the least and the most excluded of the human race. -Tim Keller, Hidden Christmas: The Surprising Truth Behind the Birth of Christ

The Surprising Truth Behind the Birth of Christ

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Leadership Conversations

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If you’re like me, you have conversations in your head or wish you could have certain conversations about leadership with someone.

You feel stuck, lost or unsure on how to proceed with something. It might be how to handle a difficult staff member, a financial problem or how to continue growing as a leader. It might be growth barriers, when to start a new product or ministry, or when to shut one down.

Maybe you research it, think about it, or stay up late at night wondering what to do about it.

Well, that’s where my good friend Casey Cease and I can help. Casey has started multiple businesses, is a church planter and is also the CEO of Lucid Books.

We started a new podcast to have those conversations.

It’s called Leadership Conversations where we have the conversations leaders want to have so that leaders can win at leadership. 

If you haven’t subscribed, you can do so here. We release a new podcast each Tuesday and if there are any topics or guests you’d like for us to cover, please let us know.

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Connecting with Your Kids and the Phases of Parenting

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This is a guest post from my wife Katie Reich based off of questions we often get about resources for connecting with your kids.

My life basically smells of dried catsup, loose leaf paper, and essential oils. When you have five kids, even doing “nothing” is busier than the average busy. Thankfully I love my kids and my life.

“Passionate and intentional adventure toward God” is a huge part of our family mission statement. To be honest, that isn’t always easy. With the life of a family of seven, just feeding, schooling, and refereeing can take up most of our day.

Finding resources that fit our family values and schedule is not always easy. About two years ago our church switched over to the Orange Curriculum.

It seemed like a good choice with some great handouts to encourage parent involvement and tools to help kids of all ages take their next step with God.

During that time I read “It’s Just a Phase” and dog-eared so many pages, all the while wishing there was a way to disseminate the information for each of my kids in an orderly and timely way without having to cross reference post-its, highlights and dog-eared pages. Well, Kristen Ivey and Reggie Joiner have done just that plus more in the “Parenting Your ….” guides.

How @theparentcue guides are helping us as parents.

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These guides are road maps to helping take what you know about your child combined with others their age, while encouraging you/me to become a more thoughtful and engaged parent.

Do yourself a favor and buy it the week of your child’s birthday….

  • if you don’t know what conversations to have with her.
  • if each year you wish you knew your child better physically, socially, mentally and emotionally.
  • if each year you want book, game and movie suggestions to create connections and a jumping point to help develop his emotional intelligence.
  • if you need a reminder of how long you have until she turns 18 and it scares you just a little.
  • if you want to create a plan to engage thoughtfully with him but don’t know where to start.
  • if life is busy and you want to really notice her and help her to grow.

You can order your copies here.

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How the Enneagram is Helping Me Grow as a Leader

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It seems like everywhere you turn in the Christian world right now, someone is talking about the Enneagram. There are books, podcasts and blogs popping up everywhere.

I was first introduced to it two years ago as part of a leadership training I did with Katie through Crosspoint.

If you aren’t familiar, here’s a helpful description from Crosspoint:

We are in Christ so that we may become like Christ. (Ephesians 3:17) This is the journey of Christian spiritual formation. It requires a self-clarity anchored in the reality of being created in the image of God and re-created in the likeness of Christ. It involves ‘putting off’ the old way of being and ‘putting on’ the new way of being by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Ephesians 4:20-24) Without a greater awareness of the unconscious motivations that impact our decisions and relationships, we remain stuck.

Each personality style carries a particular challenge to Christian maturity. This is what the desert fathers and mothers of the third and fourth century discovered. These spiritual guides were concerned about unacknowledged patterns that kept Christians from a deeper walk with Christ. As they listened and prayed, various patterns began to emerge. The individual Fruits of the Spirit (nine godly virtues) faced the corruptive power of nine specific vices. And it seemed to them that each virtue was susceptible to a particular vice. True sanctification of the heart would be impossible without addressing this subtle but sinful reality.

What I have found most helpful is that at the beginning of taking the Enneagram, it shows you your personality style. The way that you perceive reality, process reality and how you present yourself to the world around you.

In light of that, here are some ways it is helping me as a leader:

Helping me to know the mask I wear. Most adults and leaders are not self aware. Most of the people I meet with do not know how they are wired, how that wiring works, what they are best suited to do or not do. Knowing this one thing helps to save you a lot of heartache when it comes to figuring out a job, where to serve in a church or what would make you excited in the morning.

A key to success is knowing what you can and can’t do.

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Many people also don’t understand the mask that they wear. The Enneagram really helped me understand the mask I wear, not only to protect myself in relationships, but also to get ahead. It really does help you understand the sins and tendencies that will bring you down. Sadly, many people will take the Enneagram or any test and say, “Well I’m just this or that, so that’s all there is to it.” That isn’t it or the end, and that is a sad excuse to stay stuck.

Which leads to the next one…

Helps those closest to me challenge me and pray for me. I’m an 8 on the Enneagram, which means I bring a lot of energy and intensity to everything I do and every relationship I have. I often joke that if you want something done and don’t care how it gets done, send an 8. If you want it done a specific way, send a 1. If you want it done efficiently, send a 3.

Knowing how I’m wired not only helps me process what I’m feeling and thinking when things happen, but it helps those around me understand that as well. It helps them to give grace when needed, but also to push on me when needed. They can also point out my blindspots a lot faster than simply guessing if I am that way.

If you are a friend with someone who is a 7, they can very easily be the life of the party, but they can also be impulsive, all over the map and lean towards escapism in unhealthy places. Knowing this is incredibly helpful not only for the person but for those around them.

Most people know that everyone is not wired like they are, but we rarely live like that is true.

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Helps me to appreciate others wiring and give grace to them. Most people know that everyone is not wired like they are, but we rarely live like that is true. The Enneagram has really helped me understand how others are created, how they process and see things and how they protect themselves. 1’s are incredibly hard on things, they love things to be done well and perfectly (to their standards). They are also 10 times harder on themselves than on those around them. Knowing this has allowed me to extend a lot of grace to 1’s and help me understand the frustration they experience.

If you are friends with a 2 on the Enneagram, they love to help people and are often right in the center of helping to make things happen. But they also struggle to know what they need in a situation because they are often so focused on helping others and meeting their needs. Knowing this is enormously helpful to know how someone needs to pace themselves and make sure they have strong boundaries for rest and rejuvenation.

This matters in relationships because many times we will look at how others see the world and dismiss it because it is different than our viewpoint, or we will see how someone struggles with something and if we don’t struggle with that, we can easily look down on them or wonder why that is such a stumbling block to them. I feel like understanding this has raised my ability to give grace in situations that in the past I would’ve given up on someone.

Helps those closest to me understand my reactions and how I process the world. While the Enneagram has been a help to me in relationships, it has been a help to those closest to me as well as we’ve discussed what we’re learning together. This one point was one of the biggest aha moments for Katie and me in our marriage.

If you’re married, do you know how your spouse processes the world? You might know their reactions to things because you are so used to it by now, but do you know why they react that way? Where that comes from?

Do you know how your spouse or those closest to you process the world?

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Most people don’t, but that one piece of information is incredibly important and helpful. Your spouse might get angry easily, but do you know why? People get angry for different reasons. That is how they process the world. Your spouse might shut down emotionally, but do you know why? They might look at the world through lenses of fear, melancholy, co-dependence, or being focused on their image.

All of those things matter and are important. And knowing these helps with the next one.

Helps me to know if my reactions or processing are sins. Getting angry isn’t always a sin, but sometimes it is. Isolating isn’t always a sin, but it can be. Being incredibly helpful and others-focused is a great quality, but it can be a sin. Getting things done is incredibly important and will make you very successful, but it can be destructive.

It is understanding yourself in the light of the person God created and called you to be that you are able to understand if something is a sin.

Being able to articulate that this is my childhood wound, this is how that has affected my life, this is how I have found redemption from it, is crucial in our journey to being whole in Christ. Being able to know this is why I’m fearful, anxious, frugal, emotionally sensitive, and what parts of those feelings and actions are sins or not is really important. I think it gives a bigger picture of humanity.

It keeps you from imploding. The last thing the Enneagram has helped me with as a leader is protecting from implosion. Now, the reality is that all of us are a choice away from wrecking our lives, but the Enneagram has helped me know what can wreck my life, what struggle can bring me or another person down. And they are different.

Another important aspect has come out of talking to counselors who have been using the Enneagram, and it is this: What made you successful in your 20’s and 30’s can often be the thing that brings you down in your 40’s and 50’s.

What made you successful in your 20’s & 30’s can often be the thing that brings you down in your 40’s & 50’s.

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We have all seen this. The hard driving 28 year old who starts a business and “makes it happen” quickly becomes the tyrant no one wants to work for when he’s 42.

The person who is always helping others early in life who becomes co-dependent in relationships, and now they don’t know who they are without people.

The person who is the life of the party and the one you always want to have around because of how spontaneous and fun they are, but in their 40’s they are irresponsible and too impulsive as they switch from job to job.

Knowing the resourceful and non-resourceful side of your personality is crucial to knowing what will bring you down and the road to health.

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Links for Leaders 12/8/17

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It’s the weekend…finally. The perfect time to grab a cup of coffee and catch up on some reading. Below, you’ll find some articles I came across this week that I found helpful as a leader and parent and hope you do as well.

Before diving into those, in case you missed them this week. Here are the top 3 posts from my blog this week that I hope you find helpful:

I’ve also begun a new hobby, a podcast with my good friend Casey Cease called Leadership Conversations. Our goal is to have the conversations leaders wish they could have or have in their heads so that they can win at leadership. I’d love for you to check it out.

Now, onto some of the posts I enjoyed this week:

Christmas is almost here, which means time for gifts and some time off. If you’re a leader, this is a great time to grab a great book. Here are 18 books Brian Dodd thinks every leader needs to read in 2018 (I’ve read some of these and he’s right).

Christmas is a challenging season for everyone, but for pastors it can be especially hard if they don’t plan well and think through it. Chuck Lawless shares 10 things for pastors to do differently this month that I found to be really helpful.

Sleep is a challenge for everyone, but it doesn’t have to be. In fact, sleep is crucial not only to health and longevity, but effectiveness. In fact, as one blog put it, sleep is a gift.

This article by Brian Jones on Inside the mind of a disgruntled church member is a must read for any pastor or person who attends a church.

December is a busy month for everyone, but especially pastors. What can you do? Tyler Reagin has some great insights on how to lead and rest during the holiday season.

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Facing Your Fears

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Fear can be paralyzing. It can keep us from moving forward in life. It can keep us from finding freedom from past hurts, past sins. It can keep us from reaching all the things God dreams for us to accomplish, and ultimately it can keep us from living. Why? Because fears will often make us run and hide.

One author said, “Fear is the silent destroyer of dreams.”

Where this really comes out is if you are pessimistic in your life. Maybe you are always making situations out to be worse than they are, expecting something to not work like it should.

This is one reason I have always identified with the book of Joshua.

The name Joshua means, “God is my salvation.” So, in the name of the book, and my name, is this reminder of where salvation comes from. What is interesting is that God seems to say, “Joshua, fear not.” “Joshua, don’t be afraid.” Always followed by, “For I am with you, I am your God.” It seems to be on every other line of the book. Sometimes it feels like that line is on every other page of my life.

Throughout the book we see over and over how God is with Joshua, keeps His promises and ultimately is his God and his salvation. In chapter 12 it lists the names of the Kings Joshua defeated in battle.

31 kings defeated in battle.

I wonder if we often miss what God has done in our lives. The power He has shown when we don’t know where He is in a situation. I often think God brings us through hard times so they can stack up as a reminder, something to look back on to say, “Remember how God brought us through that before? I believe He can do it again because we didn’t know if He could before. We didn’t know where He was before.”

Then in Joshua 13 it lists what lies ahead for Joshua.

Once we are able to exhibit faith, show our belief in God and not be paralyzed by fear, we are able to move forward and get to work. As long as Joshua is paralyzed, he won’t move forward.

Here are some questions to consider:

  1.   What are you afraid of?
  2.   What do those fears reveal about you?
  3.   What do those fears reveal about what you believe to be true about God?
  4.   As you look at the answer to #3, does that line up with what the Bible tells us about God?
4 questions to answer to help you face your fear.

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If we aren’t careful, we will allow fear to become the lens through which we look at life. I know I can very easily do it. I can start to make decisions out of fear, live my life and relate to others out of fear.

If you tell a Christian about fear, they will often point you to Joshua 1.

Why?

Because God tells Joshua to be strong, to be courageous, to not be afraid.

But why? How is Joshua supposed to do that?

Joshua is supposed to be strong and courageous because God says, I will never leave you or forsake you.

Stop right here.

Many of our fears can be traced back to this verse and our inability to believe it.

What is interesting to me is how Joshua is supposed to know that God will never leave him.

God tells him to look at what He has done in the past. We can see this not only in our lives as we look back to see God at work, how He has answered prayers, rescued us, done things we were unaware of, but also in the lives of others. God tells Joshua to look at the life of Moses, but He also tells him to meditate on His word.

Day and night.

This is more than a simple reading of a verse or devotional thought. This is taking a verse or phrase and thinking on it throughout the day, stewing on it as you turn it over and over in your heart and mind. Asking God to show you how to be strong and courageous (or whatever you are facing).

The antidote to fear is faith, faith through meditating on God’s word. Day and night.

The antidote to fear is faith, faith through meditating on God’s word.

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Making Christmas Special for Your Family

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December is a unique, special month.

There are parties to attend, gifts to buy, cards to send, food to make and eat, and memories to be made. Kids will be off from school, parents will be off from work, Christmas specials will be on TV.

If you plan ahead as a parent, you can make December a special month.

Here are some ideas:

How to make Christmas special with your kids.

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Listen to Christmas music. I’m not a big fan of Christmas music. If you know me, this isn’t news. However, starting at Thanksgiving we listen to it almost non-stop until Christmas. Why? It is a good tradition. The songs are about Jesus, and my kids love music. I look for Christmas music we like and create a playlist that I load onto all of our iPods and iPads so we can listen to it wherever we are. The kids listen to Christmas music as they go to sleep. This helps to change the mood of the month and communicates that this time of year is different. It has its own music.

Take your kids on a special daddy date. Go to a park, go to Starbucks to get a treat and play a game or whatever they decide (within reason). In December I like to do something special. Usually on that daddy date I’ll take them to the store to pick out a present for their siblings. My hope is they will learn generosity and thinking of others as we talk about why we give gifts to others.

Record Christmas specials and watch them together. Kids love Christmas specials. At least my kids do. So, record them and watch them together.

The tree. Whether you go out and cut down your tree, buy one or have a fake one (like we do here in AZ), make putting up the tree special. Build it up, plan it, make your own ornaments, tell stories about the ornaments you are putting up, and listen to Christmas music while doing it.

Do a special outing as a family. Some families go caroling or sledding. Some shop on Black Friday together. One of our traditions is to go eat at the Ethiopian restaurant (one of our sons is Ethiopian) and then go look at Christmas lights.

Eat special (and bad for you) food. I’m a health nut about what I eat. At the holidays I ease off the gas pedal on that. Eat an extra dessert. Have the same thing each year to create a tradition. At our house on Christmas Eve, we make cream of crab soup and have chocolate fondue for dessert. We don’t make it any other time, so it is extra special.

Read a special book together. This year we are working our way through Lord of the Rings. We are taking extra time this month to read through it, and it is sparking some great discussions about who God is, who Jesus is, what humans are like and why we need Jesus, and who we are like in the story. Communicating the gospel to our kids doesn’t have to be difficult, and we can use books and movies to do so.

Make hot chocolate. You don’t make hot chocolate a whole lot any other time of the year. This is when you do it, and it feels extra special because of that. Load it up with marshmallows and whipped cream.

Celebrate Advent. This year our family is using a daily devotional, Counting the Days, Lighting the Candles: A Christmas Advent Devotional. So far it is great.

Give your wife a break. Our church closes its offices between Christmas and New Year’s so our staff slows down and has a break (and there’s a good chance you’ll have some days off or work not quite as hard). During this time I am able to give Katie some downtime to get out without the kids, take an extra coffee date with a girlfriend, or take a nap. This is a great time for you to serve your spouse. You might also pick a time in the month of December for her to sit at Starbucks alone, get her nails done, or send her and some friends to dinner.

Slow down and be together. Years from now your kids will remember very little about life as a child, but they will remember if you were there. So will you. Don’t miss it. Work isn’t that important. That party isn’t that important. Shopping for one more thing isn’t that important if it keeps you from being with those you love. I’ve been reminded recently by the illnesses of close friends of the brevity of life. If your kids ask you to snuggle or lie down with them, do it. One day they won’t ask.