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How You Talk about Your Spouse

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spouse

Recently I was at a leadership conference and was struck by how the speakers each spoke about their spouse. Some of them spoke highly of their spouse, while others were disparaging, even taking a passive aggressive tone as they told stories about their spouse.

The truth is: How you speak about your spouse dictates what others think about them. 

How you speak about your spouse dictates what others think about them.

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We don’t often think like this, but it is true. We may vent about our spouse, tell a story that makes them look silly or stupid, or even talk down about them. We think, “I love this person,” and our story stems from there. But the person we’re telling the story to doesn’t love our spouse; they may not even know them.

Consequently, all they know about your spouse is what you say about them.

Two things happen when we talk negatively about our spouse:

  1. We don’t realize the full damage our words are doing.
  2. We know full well the damage our words are creating.

If you have kids, they will look at your spouse and speak to your spouse based on what you say about them. If you put your husband down, talk about how he doesn’t come through, your kids will treat him as such. If you talk about how your wife always nags, is never grateful, your kids will treat her that way and believe that about her.

Where do these words come from?

Often when we speak passive aggressively about anyone, there is truth in it. We are masking our hurt and pain with humor. What this does is keep you from experiencing a truly great relationship with your spouse. When you make fun of your spouse, you miss out on trust, oneness and affection. You will each walk on eggshells around each other, just waiting for the ball to drop on you and to be made fun of, to be cut down.

One of the rules Katie and I have for our marriage is that we will never talk down to each other in public, we won’t make fun of each other in public. I want people who hear a story about Katie to hold her in high regard. I want them to think highly of her like I do. This doesn’t mean that we don’t do things that drive the other person nuts or hurt their feelings. We do. We just deal with them in our marriage.

Whenever I hear a pastor or someone make a snide comment about their spouse in a sermon or a conversation, I think, “Why don’t you just tell your spouse?” It is uncomfortable for everyone else.

Remember: No one will think more highly of your spouse than you do. 

No one will think more highly of your spouse than you do.

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You are the lid for that. If you have a respect level for your spouse at a five, no one else is passing four.

While this might seem like a small thing, and the idea of not picking on each other may seem like a silly rule, the reality of how many arguments stem from snide comments, passive aggressive comments, mean jokes and stories that make people look stupid has an enduring effect on a relationship.

Here’s how I know.

The next time you are with a couple, and one of them tells a story that makes the other look stupid. Now I’m not talking about a silly story like we went camping and got stuck in the rain, and we’ll laugh about this for the next decade; but one that makes everyone think, “This person is an idiot.” Watch the spouse who the story is about while it is being told and everyone is laughing at them. Watch the life go out of their eyes as they are reminded in front of a group of people, “You aren’t good enough. I can’t believe you did this.”

So, why do we do this to our spouse?

For many, passive aggressive comments and making fun of each other is a love language. A very unhealthy, surefire way to kill a relationship, love language. Many people grew up watching their parents make fun of each other. I know one family that when they get together, all they talk about is stupid things people did in the past and make fun of each other. They do this instead of talking about anything new in their lives, which shows a lot of unhealthiness.

Many couples also don’t know how to have an honest conversation about how they feel, what hurts them, things that drive them nuts that their spouse does. So instead of saying, “I wish you would ask for help, I wish you would say thanks for the things I do,” they nitpick and cut down.

In the end it leaves a lot of couples longing for more and wishing a different way were possible.

There is. Start to think: How do I want people to think about my spouse? And then start talking about your spouse in that light. The irony of this is that people have a way of becoming what we expect them to become. 

Our spouse has a way of becoming what we expect them to become.

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Leaders are Not Whiners

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leaders

“The leader in the system is the one who is not blaming anyone.” -Ed Friedman

If you get a group of pastors together in a room, or leaders of ministry teams, you will often hear complaints. Complaints about working with certain volunteers or staff members, budget cuts, financial difficulties, recruiting or simply the pace and difficulty of ministry and leadership.

This is a good and appropriate place to share those things.

Often, though, I’ll hear pastors or ministry leaders share these same complaints with their churches or people who are not in leadership.

Bottom line, one of the things that separates leaders from non-leaders is leaders are not whiners.

Is leading hard?

Yes.

Did you sign up for it?

Yes.

Did you know leading would be this hard?

No.

Does that matter?

No.

Mainly I’ll hear leaders talk about how difficult their job is. In fact one of our staff members recently visited another church, and the lead pastor spent 20 minutes (20 minutes!) talking about how hard being a pastor was and how hard planting a church was.

Leaders are not whiners.

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Now being a pastor is hard. Starting a church is hard. Recruiting people, managing people, conflict resolution, budgets, family life and ministry life colliding are all hard.

But if you are a pastor, hear this: Your life is not harder than anyone else’s. Your job is not harder than anyone else’s. It’s just different.

Being a pastor is not the hardest job on the planet; it’s just different.

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Think for a minute about most church planters and pastors: they have lots of meetings. The people in their church don’t know if they are at Starbucks working on a message, chatting with a leader, reading a book or a blog (thanks for reading this one), working on fantasy football or taking a nap.

Is pastoring hard? Yes. Is it harder than being a plumber? No.

It’s different.

When you as a leader whine about how hard it is, your people roll their eyes and lose respect.

When you as a leader talk about how hard it is to raise money, gain support for a vision or recruit volunteers, you lose their respect. People are attracted to a vision.

Take kids’ ministry. There is always a shortage of team members in kids’ ministry. You could bemoan that fact, or you could cast a compelling vision to people: Most people begin a relationship with Jesus before they turn 18. In fact, if you think about your life, you are still feeling the effects of the choices you made before you were 18. What if you could make an impact for good in the life of a child or student? Steer them away from the mistakes you made and help them find the life God has called them to? Wouldn’t that be awesome?!

How to vision cast to potential kids’ and students’ volunteers.

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Sign me up.

We’re a portable church, so we have to set up and tear down, and no one likes that job. What if instead of complaining about it, you saw the opportunity to cast a vision: Did you know every week a guest comes to our church, and many of them come because they drove by and saw a sign? Think about how God works. That’s amazing. Not only that, when we set up chairs we don’t just set up chairs. We pray over each of those chairs as we set them up. When I put a Bible on that seat I’m praying for the person who will sit there and maybe for the first time will hear about Jesus and the life he offers. We don’t just set up chairs. We put a chair down so someone can sit down and hear about the life Jesus died and rose from the dead to give them. You can set up chairs anywhere, but we’re part of helping people hear about Jesus. Do you want to do that? I can’t think of a better way to spend my Sunday morning than praying for guests who will hear about Jesus. Can you?

Is it hard? Yes. Do people say yes when you vision cast? Not all the time.

If leadership was easy, everyone would do it.

If leadership was easy, everyone would do it.

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How to Handle Guns Blazing Awesome Guy

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awesome

If you are a pastor you have had this experience.

You meet someone new at your church on a Sunday morning, or they email about getting together and they are excited. I mean really excited. They can’t wait to jump in. They are passionate, extroverted, seemingly gifted and they have tons of experience at other churches. They know the lingo, have read the books, have been to the conferences and have the t-shirt.

They are guns blazing awesome guy (or girl).

Your first thought is, “Where has this person been? Finally!”

Be cautious with ‘guns blazing awesome guy.’

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I get it because as a leader you want people who are excited, and guns blazing awesome guy is excited. He’s excited enough for 10 people! You can only imagine how far he can move the needle in your church and the people who will follow him, and how great it will be to have someone to shoulder the load.

All that may be true, but let me throw a caution flag.

There is a reason guns blazing awesome guy is at your church and not the church he just left. And it isn’t because of doctrine or because your church is somehow better. There is often something hidden in the background, lurking. It is this that gets so many church planters and pastors in trouble.

This is why there is so much wisdom in Paul’s advice to Timothy to not be hasty in laying on hands (1 Timothy 5:22). Move slowly. Guns blazing awesome guy may turn out to be simply awesome and great for your church, or he will move on to the next church that will elevate him into leadership quickly.

Now let me talk to the guns blazing awesome guy. The guy who is gifted, ready and maybe even mature. Not all guns blazing awesome guys are bad or sinful.

Many times you jump from church to church trying to find a spot, and the reason you have to jump from church to church has nothing to do with you and everything to do with people not seeing how awesome you are.

Slow down.

I know, I know. You are 25 and not getting any younger, and you have all these ideas and energy. Yet part of being a leader is being a follower, being under authority.

I recently talked to a pastor who was interviewing pastors for a job. He said, “One guy stands head and shoulders above the rest in talent and gifts. Yet he hasn’t been in a church for more than a year, and when he has, he didn’t volunteer anywhere, and he had no reason for that. It was ‘the leaders and the culture.'” I told him it would be a mistake to hire this guy, no matter how talented he is.

If you’re awesome, be patient instead of impatient. People will notice.

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For both the leader in charge and the guns blazing awesome guy or girl, patience is in order. This is hard for both because ironically they need each other but often have different goals.

I can tell you in my years of ministry I’ve been frustrated because people didn’t see how awesome I was when I thought it. The moments I dug into that, learned and allowed myself to be teachable were the most beneficial. When I kicked up the dirt and moved on, it brought anger, hurt and bitterness. When I’ve rushed the guns blazing awesome guy or girl into leadership because, well, they were awesome, I’ve paid a hard price for it. I’ve overlooked character issues because of how talented they were and because we needed someone in that role. I’ve also moved too slowly with someone and lost them because another opportunity came along.

This isn’t an exact science, so it won’t end like that.

This is more of a caution to explore where you are right now. You may have a guns blazing awesome leader you need to slow down the process on or put a process into place. That way it is less of a feeling and more of a science as you move them into leadership. You may need to take a step back to ask why people don’t think you are as awesome as you think you are and what God might be trying to teach you in the waiting.

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Pastor’s are Chief Vision Casters

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vision

There are a lot of things pastors have to do each week. They preach, teach, counsel, pray with, pray for, listen, fund raise, make decisions, build teams, go over budgets, look towards the future, disciple, evangelize. This list goes on and on.

Some of the things a pastor does he can and should delegate. Some things he should train others to do so they can do it either at the church or in another church one day.

Some things, regardless of gifting, he can’t give away. There is one role, that while every leader in the church does it, the pastor cannot give away.

It is a role that must be on every pastor’s job description: Chief Vision Caster.

The pastor is the Chief Vision Caster.

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Every leader in your church does this or should do this (more on that in a minute), but you are the one who starts it. You are the loudest voice.

Why?

Does this matter so much?

The answer is yes.

If you aren’t careful, your church will slowly move off course. Not theologically, but it will slowly become inward focused. It will start to become about keeping people comfortable.

You know this and know what it feels like. Vision leaks and slowly becomes blurry.

What Separates Leaders & Followers

In my opinion vision is one of the things that separates leaders and followers. Everyone can point out what needs to change, everyone has an opinion of what a church should do, who they should try to reach, what it should look like. Only a leader can take them there. Only a leader can say, “Here is where we are, there is where we should be and here’s how we’re getting there.”

A vision is a picture of a preferred future, not just a complaint about the present.

A vision is a picture of a preferred future, not just a complaint about the present.

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How to Keep Vision Clear

As I said, you can’t delegate this away. You aren’t the only vision caster in the church, but you are the chief one. You should be the clearest, and all the visions for ministries in the church are based on what the vision of the church is.

Often, though, vision becomes blurry for the leader. It can become stale; you wonder if you are reaching it, if it is worth going after. When that happens, it is blurrier for people in your church.

Remember the law of the lid: no one (outside of Jesus) will ever have a clearer vision or stronger passion for your church than you do. It is imperative you do whatever you can to keep your vision clear and white hot.

Here are some things I do:

  1. Hang around people who don’t know Jesus. This reminds you of what your church is to do. Remind yourself that you are battling for souls, not over worship styles or service times. Church becomes so petty when you forget that souls hang in the balance. Followers of Jesus become the most alive when they are living on the mission that Jesus called them on, and that includes people who don’t know Jesus. It reminds you of why you work so hard, why everything you do matters and is worthwhile.
  2. Listen to great vision casters. Not every pastor is a great vision caster, but remember, every great vision caster did not start out that way. So listen to great vision casters. Listen to men and women who cast a clear and compelling vision. You aren’t copying their vision, but it can not only teach you how to use words but it will get you excited. Your excitement for the vision is the lid of the excitement of your church, team or organization.
  3. Spend time with Jesus. This one seems obvious, but pastors need to be reminded to do what they challenge others to do. Your vision will get dim and blurry if you aren’t spending time with Jesus; if you aren’t confessing your own sin and living in the power of the cross and resurrection of the one who gave you the vision and the passion in the first place. This time will not only clarify your vision but will strengthen you for the road to accomplish that vision.
3 ways to cast a clear and compelling vision for your church.

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Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Listen to You

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spouse

It happens in all relationships. There are times when things are going great and communication seems effortless, and there are other times that communication feels like a boulder you are trying to push up the hill.

There are reasons for both the easy and great times and the difficult times. While we may think the effortless just magically happens, it doesn’t. The couples that communicate well do specific things and don’t do specific things.

What are they?

If I had to sum it up, I’d say there are five reasons (there may be more) that your spouse doesn’t listen to you or ignores you. While many people may read this and think of just one gender in a relationship, my guess is that in most marriages both people are doing these. Remember, if a relationship is struggling, it is because of both people. No one bears 100% of the blame. It’s the same in communication.

5 reasons your spouse ignores you.

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1. You nag them about the same thing. Have you ever heard someone say, “I feel like a broken record saying the same thing all the time?” That’s because you are, and you get tuned out. Many times if you nag someone enough, they’ll stop listening. Especially if you nag them about something, and when it doesn’t happen you do it yourself. Do you know what you’ve just told your spouse? If you don’t do it, I’ll eventually get around to it. I’ll be angry, ignore you, give you mean looks, but I’ll do it.

How many times should you say something to your spouse about doing something? It depends on what it is.

I would say that if you have to repeat yourself, the issue is not what you are repeating yourself about but that your spouse is not listening to you. Deal with that, not the garage being a mess or clothes being left out. That is no longer the issue; it’s just what revealed the issue.

2. You bottle up your feelings. One reason a spouse ignores the other is because one doesn’t express themselves. They can’t help but ignore you because you don’t say anything, you don’t share anything, you don’t let them in.

This is easy for me to do. I’m a mental processor, and Katie is a verbal processor. When I’m convicted about something, bothered by something or someone, I think on it. If I see an issue in my life or job that needs to be fixed, I think about it and work it out in my head. Katie is the opposite of that. This can lead to her not feeling like I let her into my life or share what is going on. I’ve had to learn to start processing things out loud, but she’s also had to learn to ask questions.

The sad thing is when couples think that whatever the issue is, it will be fixed by one person doing something. You are a couple. It will take both of you.

In the same way, if you are upset about something and your spouse asks you what is wrong, don’t say, “Nothing.” Or, “You should know.” Maybe they should know, but they don’t.

Many times one of the battles that women and men have has to do with women wanting to express their feelings about something and their husband wanting to fix it. A woman asked Katie once, “How did you get Josh to stop fixing things when you talk to him?” Katie chuckled and said, “Before I tell him something, I let him know my expectation. Do I want him to listen, give feedback or fix it. Then he does.”

I know what you’re thinking. I should just know, and so should your spouse. But they don’t, and I don’t. Yet we make it hard, almost playing games with our spouse, and then we wonder why they ignore us.

3. You talk about your marriage to all your friends instead of your spouse. Too many couples are venting to their friends instead of to their spouse. Now I think you should have a friend or friends that you confide in. Someone when you are at the end of your rope you can call and vent to. However, this friend should be a real friend and not a cheerleader in your corner for your cause. The worst thing you can say to your spouse in an argument is, “I was talking to ____ and they agree with me.” You just brought another person into your marriage, and now your spouse is playing defense.

These friends that you confide in, they need to challenge you and your sin. Yes, they can affirm that your spouse dropped the ball because that may be the case, but it wasn’t all their fault, no matter how much you think it is.

Talk to your spouse more than to your friends about your marriage.

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4. You feel like it is no use talking. This is when you stop trying. I’ll admit this is easy to do when marriage feels hard. It feels easier to not say anything, to not try. What’s the use? The moment you feel this coming on, that is a sign to press in. The moment you think about taking a break or pulling back, not saying something, that is when you need to push into the relationship.

5. You want peace more than intimacy. One of the reasons people don’t express themselves in a marriage is because peace is easier than intimacy.

A downfall in marriage: Peace is easier than intimacy.

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When any couple chooses peace over intimacy, they have chosen a lesser marriage. Is it easier in the moment? Yes, but in the long run it will suffer. This can come from legitimate fear of an argument, a fear of being rejected or something else. Often when peace is chosen over intimacy, it is because of something in our past that is still broken. Maybe you grew up with a shouter and you don’t want that, so you learned silence fends that off. But silence also doesn’t bring closeness in a relationship.

Ever feel like your spouse is ignoring you?

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Let me close with this. Often what your spouse is ignoring in a conversation is not the issue. You want to make it the issue, but it is only what is revealing the issue, that they ignore you. That you aren’t connecting to them when you talk. Focus on that.

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God’s promise to use Abraham and his descendants to bless the nations rushes like a river through every chapter of the Bible. Scripture, is not just a collection of theological truths to learn and moral lessons to master. Scripture is an announcement about a rescue mission God has come on for us, and an invitation to join that rescue mission (2 Corinthians 5:14 – 20).

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Christopher Wright
The Mission of God: Unlocking the Bible's Grand Narrative
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Why Your Sermon Gets Ignored

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sermon

Every week people all over the world sit down to listen to a sermon. Many of them are preached by godly men who want to see their sermons make an impact, pastors who care about the people who show up at their churches. Yet sermons are easily forgotten, and lives move on as if nothing happened. Opportunities are missed.

Why?

There are a variety of reasons, but here are six reasons your sermon gets ignored:

6 reasons your sermon gets ignored.

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1. You aren’t interesting. You are a boring speaker with bad stage presence, a monotone voice and you don’t have an interesting delivery or content. Is this harsh? Maybe. The reality for the people who attend your church every week is they can listen to any number of sermons online, they can check social media during your sermon, they can think about SNL the night before or what they’re going to do tomorrow. At the very least, for your sermon to not be ignored it must be interesting. You must be interesting.

Do you care about your topic? Do you have a passion for your topic? Many pastors do not have a passion for what they are preaching on, and this comes through. They are preaching because it is Sunday and that’s their job. This doesn’t happen every week, but it happens and your church knows it.

2. The passage didn’t make an impact in your life. We are interested in things that made an impact in someone’s life. We want to hear about why someone started and kept a new diet, how someone got out of debt, made a change in their marriage. We are interested in things that made an impact in someone’s life and want to know how it can make an impact in our life.

Don’t preach unless you have something to say.

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How did the passage you are preaching on make an impact in your life? How were you convicted this week as you worked on your sermon? Tell us. What changes are you making in your life because of this passage? Tell us.

3. You aren’t preaching to anyone there. This is so common and easy for pastors to miss. They preach to people who aren’t there. Many pastors and church planters preach to the podcasts they listen to or the blogs they read instead of the people filling the seats. Many sermons are over the heads of people or not applicable to where people are, but fall more in the category of things that the pastor is interested in, the latest theological book he just read or the debate raging among Ph.D. students online.

4. You are tired and unprepared. Preaching and ministry are tiring. It happens every seven days that you need to think of something to say and do it well. Yet if you preach on a regular basis, my guess is that this is one of the favorite parts of your job. This means you need to keep yourself fresh. You need to read good books that stir your soul and challenge you. You need to take breaks from preaching so that you can recharge and stay fresh. I’ve learned that 10 weeks in a row is the maximum I want to preach, and then I need a week off from preaching. This is good for my church, too, because they get to hear other communicators.

5. You didn’t tell anyone why it mattered. You didn’t have a clear next step for your sermon. Your sermon prep is not done until you can unpack how we should live in light of the passage. And don’t say, “That’s the Holy Spirit’s job.” That is lazy. While the Holy Spirit convicts and moves, he uses you as well. If it was just the Holy Spirit’s job to apply a text, you wouldn’t need to say anything at all; we could just read the text on our own and go from there.

Your sermon prep is not done until you can unpack how we should live in light of the passage.

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6. It wasn’t time for them to hear it. I’m hesitant to put this one. Not because it isn’t true, because it is, but because it is easy for pastors to use this as an excuse. When you preach, though, not everyone is ready to hear it. Most people do not take the step of change, following Jesus, etc., the first time they hear a truth. It takes multiple times. This is encouraging for us as pastors but can easily become a crutch. Sometimes the reason people aren’t hearing is because of the messenger, not the message.

Sometimes the reason people aren’t hearing a sermon is because of the messenger, not the message.

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How to Lead Up at Work

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lead up

It is easy to think that if you are not in charge or not the leader that you have no influence over what happens. Yet if you work for a good leader, he or she will want your input. They will want to hear your voice to help lead your team, church or organization.

Yet what I find when I talk with student pastors, worship pastors or those who are not in charge, they aren’t sure how to lead up.

As someone who leads a church, here are some things to keep in mind as you try to lead up to your boss:

1. Know how they communicate. While every lead pastor or boss does not have the same personality, those who rise to the top of an organization typically have similar personalities. They are often logic driven, fact oriented, and love data. Many times the people who make up the leader’s team struggle because they are focused on feelings or hunches. That is not helpful when you are trying to lead up. If you say to your boss (and he’s data driven), “I think we should do ___” and have no data to back it up, he will often disregard it. Should he/she listen to you and your feelings? It will depend on your track record and, as we’ll see in #4, what kind of employee you are.

Communicate to your boss on their terms, not yours.

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It is easy to disregard this and say that people above you should listen to you. However, it is often not possible because of your history as a worker and how your boss sees the world. Often a lack of not understanding how someone is wired keeps you from moving an idea forward.

Do you struggle to get your boss to listen to your ideas?

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2. Know how they process. Each person processes ideas differently. Some people process them out loud, some do it internally. Some want to brainstorm out loud, and others want to do it by themselves. This is crucial to getting a boss on your side for an idea. If they process alone and in their head, give them information before a meeting. Make sure they have what they need before a presentation. If they process in a meeting, this is less of a big deal.
This also gets into the territory of setting your boss up to succeed. This is often not what an employee thinks about, but if you want your boss to set you up for success, you can do the same things. This is counter intuitive, but if you want to get your boss on board with what you’d like to do, helping your boss accomplish their goals will go a long way for you.

3. Don’t back them into a corner. The worst thing you can do to your boss is walk into a meeting or their office, give them a new idea and say, “I need an answer right now.” While this can happen and be completely out of your control, often it comes from poor planning on your part. I tell our team if you tell me this my first answer will be no. I don’t want to be backed into a corner, and neither does your boss. The reason this isn’t outlandish is because I know you don’t want to be backed into a corner either.
If you back someone into a corner, they often get defensive, and it erodes the idea of being on a team and working together.

How to make your boss your enemy: Back them into a corner.

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4. Be the best employee or team member possible. While we often want our ideas to be heard simply because we are on a team, that isn’t reality. Bosses listen more to employees and team members who are great at their jobs. This is just the way it is. If you want to be heard, one of the best things you can do is be great at what you do. Be on time, work hard, get things done. If you are lazy, lethargic and not excited about your job, your boss will often listen to your ideas less, give less leeway and get behind your ideas and passions less than you’d like.

4 things your boss wants to say “Yes” to your idea.

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Your boss may be the worst person on the planet. They may not care about your goals, career or even your life. They make things miserable for you. Most bosses are not like that. Most want to work with you and help you succeed. While you focus on your career goals and where they are headed, your boss is not paid for that. He/she is paid to lead a company, church or team. This is a crucial distinction, and it is one that often leads to hurt feelings and missed opportunities. You will have to work hard to align yourself with what your boss is hoping to accomplish in order to lead up so your boss can be of help to you.

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How to Find God’s Will

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God's Will

Rarely is changing the world or making an impact with your life a one person deal. While we often only see the one person who becomes known, famous or makes an impact (ie. Mother Teresa, Steve Jobs), there is a group of people standing behind and with that person.

There’s a story in the Old Testament that I’ve always loved, the life of Nehemiah. He lived around 500 B.C. and was the cupbearer to the King of Persia, the most powerful man on the planet at the time (we’ll get to why that was important in a minute).

When we think about Jerusalem being rebuilt, we think of Nehemiah, but he wasn’t the only one in the story. There were more people involved. There was Hanani who came to Nehemiah and told him that the wall was still destroyed and the temple hadn’t been rebuilt (Nehemiah 1:2 – 3). The King funded the rebuilding process and gave Nehemiah the materials he needed and the time off. Ezra the priest helped form Nehemiah’s team in the process.

Most people never change the world because they are, (1) Hanani and they only see the problems in the world instead of taking a step to change the world. (2) They never ask The King in their life who they need to pay for the vision or support it. This could be a boss, a friend or a spouse. (3) They don’t build a team; they don’t have an Ezra who helps make the vision happen.

What happens when you want to stop being Hanani and take the step to be like Nehemiah?

Here are some questions to help you:

5 questions to help you discern God’s will for you life.

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  • Who are you? Do not underestimate your story and where you’ve come from in this. Nehemiah was the cupbearer to the King. He was the perfect person to get the money from the Persian empire to rebuild the city of Jerusalem. Imagine, Nehemiah got the support of the most powerful king in the world to rebuild Jerusalem. The thing that God has placed on your heart you are uniquely gifted, wired and in the right place to accomplish.
God has wired us and placed us in the place to fulfill his will.

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  • What breaks your heart? What bothers you? What stops you in your tracks? Poverty, orphans, that people don’t know Jesus, human trafficking, kids reading, fatherlessness, men leading their homes, broken marriages being restored, helping people find jobs, getting out of debt? The answer to this question will begin to show you what you need to give your life to. This doesn’t mean you will get paid to do it. You may work a job so that you can have money to fulfill this vision. Sometimes your vision and what breaks your heart will become a job, but not always.
  • What thing do you see and think, “Someone should do something about that?” This is connected to the last question, but it helps to hone in on what it is for you. Do you know the answer to that question for me? It is helping people not settle in life. I do that through coaching, writing, speaking and through leading Revolution Church. For me, I continued to see people who settled in life, were willing to live a ho-hum life instead of the life God had called them to live, and I finally said, “Enough is enough.”
  • What do you want people to thank you for at the end of your life? People will remember something about you when you die. You will walk into eternity with a story, and your story does impact eternity. If you are a parent, this starts within your home, with your kids. Discipling them, impacting them. What I have started to realize is that my legacy will be from my kids and the impact they make in the world. I’m less concerned today about what changes I make in the world and more concerned with how I prepare my kids to make changes in the world. I saw this truth play out when I was in 11th In the span of a few months, both of my grandfathers died. One lived his life to make an impact, and at his funeral people came from everywhere to pay their respects. The line for the viewing wrapped around the building of the small town he lived in in Northern Pennsylvania. People stood, cried, laughed and told stories of a man who was always there, always helped. My other grandfather, when he passed away no one told stories, no one laughed. There were tears, but it was largely from those who wished they had a relationship with him, and now the realization that they never would set in.
  • What is your plan? This is what separates the Nehemiah’s from the Hanani’s in this world. Both saw a need, but only one had a vision and a plan. Only one had the courage to take the steps to do it. This is why the in between is so important; it creates our plan. It steels our resolve to not quit, to confirm in our soul that we are in fact called to this and will give our life to this vision. Anyone can have a dream; in fact, lots of people do. Few have a plan and execute it. In chapter two, Nehemiah goes to the King with his vision and plan, and God gives him success. The King not only allows Nehemiah to go to Jerusalem to rebuild the city wall. He funds it. Think of the impossibility. Nehemiah is asking the King to pay to rebuild a foreign city that could become an enemy. Walls keep people out and protect during war.
If God has called you to something, he has also called you to plan for it.

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Now, the way you change the world might mean that you are The King or Ezra in the book of Nehemiah. You may fund and support the dreams of others; you may be on the team that changes the world. You aren’t the leader out in front. Instead, you are working behind the scenes to see the world change. All are needed, all are important. All are worth giving our lives to.

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4 Ways to Use a Sunday Off Strategically as a Pastor

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pastor

If you are a pastor, you have a unique role at your church. Not a harder role, just a unique one. It is often hard for someone who isn’t a pastor to understand, but when you work at a church, going to church (whether you preach, lead, lead worship or coordinate things), you are working. Even if you don’t do all of those things (say you don’t preach on a Sunday but still go to your church), you are working. You are talking with people, counseling, shepherding, intervening. You are expending energy, leadership and care. This is good. This is what you are called to do.

However the reality is, in order to have longevity in ministry and at a church, you need to have Sundays when you are off, when you are away, so that you can catch your breath to be the best leader or pastor you can be.

But how do you do that?

Here are four ways to use a Sunday off strategically:

1. Take a Sunday off. I wish I could just assume that you will take a Sunday off as a pastor, but I can’t. I know too many people on church staffs that are workaholics. Some because they choose to be, some because their elders expect them to be and some because that is the culture of their church (I worked at a church like this before). You have to decide that you will take a Sunday off. It is good for you, your family and your church.

A Sunday off is good for a pastor, his family & his church.

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The reality for some leaders is they will have to do some leading up to make this happen. This culture of seeing a Sunday off as a benefit to a pastor and a church is not seen by everyone. Every job has vacation days, and if you are in ministry, you should take every vacation day your church gives you.

2. Go to a different church. One of the best things a pastor can do is go to a different church and experience their service. This not only can be refreshing as you “feel like a normal person”, but you can learn and gain some great insights on how to improve your church. Seeing what others do, how they do elements in a service, can breathe new life into your church and leadership. If I’m not at Revolution, I always try to go to some other church. This also gives a pastor a great opportunity to sit with his wife for a whole service and not lead anything, which is a rare treat for a pastor and his wife as she normally sits alone while he preaches.

If you aren’t leading anything at your church this Sunday, go to a different church.

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3. Stay home. This may sound sacrilegious, but hear me out. One of the healthiest things you can do on a Sunday off is stay home. Have a lazy morning. Take a hike. Make breakfast for your wife in bed. Play with your kids. Sleep in if you don’t have kids. Stay home. Should you do this every time you have a Sunday off from preaching? No, but once won’t kill you.

4. Worship at your church and be as normal as possible. One thing that can be eye opening for a pastor is going to his church and trying to be as normal as possible. What I mean is, if you have one service that starts at 10am, show up at 9:59 with your kids like everyone else does and see what traffic in the parking lot is like, what check in is like for the kids’ ministry. Pastors are often oblivious to this because they get to church hours before everyone else does. We’ve made changes to our church that have been incredibly helpful because I or one of our staff didn’t come early but came when everyone else does.

4 ways to be strategic with your time off as a pastor.

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Now this idea sometimes rubs people in a church the wrong way. This is when a pastor will have to learn how to lead up to his elders and lead out in his church. The benefits to a church from a pastor using a Sunday off strategically are enormous. They get a pastor who is refreshed and a wife who doesn’t despise the fact that her husband never sits with her in church because he’s preaching (you’d be surprised at how many wives hold onto bitterness in their hearts over this). It allows a pastor to be a dad to his kids on a Sunday and a husband to his wife (as most pastor’s wives are single parents on a Sunday). It helps others get a chance to use and hone their preaching gifts, and a pastor can gain some incredible insights from how other churches do things so they can improve the ministry of their church.

If you haven’t had a Sunday off recently, do it. Put it on the calendar. Make a plan for how you will use it strategically.