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The Benefit of Self-Discipline

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When I was losing 130 pounds several years ago, I wasn’t thinking about any side benefits outside of feeling better and living longer. Looking back now, one of the things I’ve learned is the self-discipline it created in me.

Before I lost weight, I was not as driven, organized or motivated in many areas of my life. In fact, I was often lazy. As my weighing almost 300 pounds exhibited.

Looking back, losing weight created a self-discipline in me to exercise and eat better that has far extended past my health. It has bled over into my marriage, with my kids, my work and almost every area of my life.

One of the reasons many change efforts fail is a lack of self-discipline. A reason many people don’t have the life they want is a lack of self-discipline.

A reason people don’t have the life they want is a lack of self-discipline.

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The organization it takes to lose weight or get out of debt and ask anyone who has done it and they will tell you, it creates a self-discipline you previously did not have. The willingness to forgo dessert, a desire to not buy something you can’t afford. All of that takes discipline. To get at least 8 hours of sleep, takes discipline. Making time for your marriage with weekly date nights, takes discipline.

Pastors and leaders are notorious for a lack of self-discipline.

Here are some ways to know if you lack self-discipline:

  1. You find yourself in meetings you have no business being in.
  2. You are late on many things.
  3. You have a feeling of being overwhelmed.
  4. You don’t get enough sleep.
  5. You wish you could lose some weight.
  6. There are many things you wish you could do, but don’t know how you’ll find the time.
The difference between good and great often comes down to discipline. -Mike Myatt

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What do you do besides losing a bunch of weight or getting out of debt? There is a way to create self-discipline without making enormous life changes, although they will eventually come.

  1. Assign times to everything you do. Everything that is important gets a place on your calendar. In fact, almost everything that you do has a minute attached to it. Yet, we often do things we don’t want to do, go to places, meetings and events we don’t want to be at. Why? We didn’t assign times to what we want to do. Date night, days off, vacation, reading, taking naps, spending time with friends, working out. If you want to do these things, they will need to have minutes on your calendar.
  2. Master email instead of email mastering you. Most people check email way too much. If you are wondering if you check it too much, the answer is yes. We do the same with social media and this mastering of us, sucks the life and time out of us. We waste so much time by scrolling through Instagram and looking at emails. Set times aside that you will check email. For me, I usually check email before lunch and before the end of my day. Amazingly, I miss very little that is important.
  3. Control your calendar. You may be picking up a trend here, which is true. In the same way that you need to control email and social media, controlling your calendar is equally important. While assigning times is one thing, controlling what gets on your calendar is important. If you are going to do something, why are you doing it? Do you need to be in that meeting? Sometimes you don’t. Remember, every time you say yes to something you say no to something else. You don’t have to do everything and you can’t. You don’t have to meet with everyone and you can’t.
  4. Say no. If you have a hard time saying no and if you lack discipline in an area of your life, you probably struggle with this. Practice saying it out loud. No. Say it kindly, forcefully, but say it.
Every time you say yes to something you say no to something else.

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How to Succeed at (Almost) Anything

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It is easy to look at successful people or anyone who has reached a goal and get smug. We think about the things that went their way, the success that just fell into their laps or how your life is so much harder than their life.

And who knows, maybe that is true.

Maybe it is easier for someone else to lose weight than it is for you. Maybe someone was born into a wealthier family and had things given to them you never got close to. Maybe school came easier for someone than it does for you.

Church planters and pastors do this. When you meet someone who has a larger or faster growing church, you immediately wonder how the deck got stacked in their favor. Maybe they had more funding, got a larger launch team from a partner church or they were someone who is well known in an area.

Sometimes, that is true and sometimes it isn’t.

There is a secret to succeeding at almost anything.

Ready?

Small wins.

The path to success is paved with small wins. -Bob Sutton

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Anyone who succeeds at something, take your pick on what it is, has done several things, several right things in a row.

They talk about this in debt seminars, weight loss seminars and addiction seminars. Get a small win. Pay off a credit card. Lose 5 pounds, cut soda out of your diet for a week. Quit smoking for a day. Anything. Just get a win.

We do this in relationships as well. We think of something big that will make a big impact on our marriage, with our kids or in community. We make a commitment and then fail. Much like the person wanting to lose weight does when they don’t wake up at 4am to run. Start small. Don’t shoot for the moon on your first step, focus on something you can do.

Growing churches focus on this.

Get a win. Someone accepts Jesus, joins a small group or MC, gets baptized, starts serving, start a new service. A win. Something moving in the right direction. When it does a moment happens and it is a moment that all success is built on: momentum.

Instead of focusing on how to lose 100 pounds, get rid of $20,000 in debt, or how to grow a church to 1,000. Focus on the next step. It is important to have an eventual goal in mind, but it is more important to have your first step.

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What to do When You Don’t Want to Workout

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If you lift or exercise on a regular basis, at some point you will have a day when you don’t feel like doing it. You may get home from work and you are exhausted. Or maybe you set your alarm for 5am and you feel how cold it is in your room and think, “I’ll just stay in bed today.”

While many positive, gung-ho people will say to just get going and cheerlead you on, most of us are not in that camp and would rather sit on the couch or stay in bed.

For me, I think you have 3 options when you don’t feel like exercising:

  1. Don’t exercise. It can actually be a good and healthy to not exercise, especially if you have done it a lot recently. The need for rest is incredibly important, not only for you to avoid burnout and fatigue, but also so that your muscles can recover and recuperate. In the crossfit world, you hear about the guys who lift 6 days a week and that isn’t healthy for everyone, maybe not anyone. You need to be careful that rest doesn’t become your normal routine or rhythm, but it can be a healthy thing to not exercise.
  2. Active rest. If you don’t need rest, but don’t have the energy for a full blown workout, have some soreness or an injury, do some active rest. Swim some laps, take a fast walk, do some jump rope, take a bike ride or a hike. Just get moving. Sometimes when you are worn out, you need fresh air or just need to move.
  3. Bite the bullet. In the end, you may be lazy and just making excuses so you need to bite the bullet, stop whining and just workout. Is it that simple? I’d say yes. One of the things I’ve learned in losing 130 pounds and keeping it off is that if working out is the next thing on your calendar, it gets done. While that sounds simplistic, we do what is on our calendar and to-do list. If working out is next and has a minute attached to it, it happens. If we say “we’ll workout after work” compared to “I’m working at 5:30 – 6:15.” Which one is more likely to happen? The one with time attached to it.
Nothing happens if a time isn’t attached to it.

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Lighten Up

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I have a confession: I have high expectations for everything. For myself, my church, what I do, my family, the things my family does.

Because of this, I work hard at what I do, but I also expect others to work hard at what they do.

Which leads to, higher stress.

Let me give you an example.

When I go on vacation with my family, we make plans on things to do just like every family. Places to go, places to eat, activities, etc.

When we do this, I’m hoping that our family will make some fun memories and have a good time together. When that activity or plan does not live up to my expectations, my stress and anxiety goes up.

When this happens, I actually miss the memory that is taking place.

The lesson: lighten up. Take the moment as it comes.

Your life won’t end if things don’t go as planned.

Your life won’t end if things don’t go as planned.

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Your kids won’t end up in counseling simply because a birthday party wasn’t perfect.

Your marriage won’t fall apart because of a failed date night.

These “failures” simply become part of the lore of your family and life. They become the stories you will tell one day and laugh about.

Remember that time…

So, lighten up and start creating the stories you’ll tell for years to come.

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Enjoying Life (and Ministry)

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acts 29

Even if you are optimistic and not a pessimist, like me, you probably have a hard time enjoying life.

We are so programmed to expect things to fall apart or go wrong. Leaders are programmed to always be working, thinking about the next hill, the next program, next sale, the next thing that will change everything.

That in the midst of that, we miss enjoying life.

I was asked by some pastors recently how they could pray for me and I responded, “That I would enjoy the season I am in.”

Too often, I’ve found myself looking back or looking ahead and not enjoying where I am. To stop thinking about the next series, new growth, new staff member, next conversation or project and just enjoy something.

When you start a church or a business, you are in put your head down and get it done mode. When it starts to work, it is easy to stay in that mode out of fear it will stop or because you don’t know anything else.

Yet, some times you need to stop so you can enjoy something.

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Stop Being Letdown

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Relationships. At work. Your kids school. Your career. Education. Body.

All of us have been letdown.

All of us have let people down.

And it will happen again.

In the midst of all this gloom, it is avoidable to not be letdown.

You could take the easy way out and have no expectations of people and simply expect to be letdown. If you do this though, you will miss the chance for relationships, community and enjoying life. You’ll simply walk around waiting for the other shoe to drop, which will keep you from trusting and ultimately, living.

A better way is to clarify and evaluate expectations.

Here’s what I mean. If you are a boss, do the people who work for you know what is expected of them? Do they know the win for your team and organization? If not, you will be letdown at some point because you are evaluating them on a scale they are unaware of.

What about relationships?

This is where most of our disappointment and letdown lies, especially if you are married.

Most married couples can tell you what they expect of their spouse, chores, reactions, attention, etc. Yet, most couples have never told each other what those are. They walk around us a smug silence, pointing out in their heads how disappointed they are and then they return the favor. A cycle simply continues until you get to the place where you can’t take it anymore, resign yourself to the fact that this is as good as it gets or worse.

What if, you began clarifying your expectations in all walks of your life? What if you told the people you work with, have a relationship with, your expectations? What if your kids knew instead of you just getting frustrated? What if your spouse or employees knew?

What if you work for someone and they are frustrating you? Have a conversation, let them know what would be best for you.

Will this always work? No, but then at least you’ll know. But as long as you don’t tell them, you are saying no for them and that rarely works out.

Until it’s been clarified, we don’t have a right to be mad at the person who doesn’t meet our expectations.

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Why God Might be Silent

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I often hear people lament (and have even thought it myself), “I read my bible and don’t get anything out of it.” Or, “I try to pray, but nothing happens.” Or, “I want to hear God speak, but I don’t hear anything, he’s just silent.”

I wonder if the reason God is silent is not because God doesn’t have things to show us or teach us but because we haven’t learned and applied what He’s already told us.

The reason God is silent is…

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Think about the last area of your life or heart that God was working on, the last thing you were convicted about.

Do you have it?

Where are you in making those changes? If you made a commitment to do something, has that happened?

It isn’t that God is silent, I believe it is often that we struggle to handle what God has already given to us that we can’t handle more.

I believe that the reason God often seems silent is for our protection. It would overwhelm us.

Is that frustrating?

Yes for the simple reason, we want God to speak because we often don’t want to do or apply what He has already given to us.

We don’t want to let go of something, forgive someone, be more generous, slow down or open up in community. So, we look for something else to do. Something a little less uncomfortable or easier.

And God goes silent.

I believe, waiting for us to apply, learn and do, what He has already given to us or called us to.

The next time God seems silent ask, “Is there something I haven’t fully learned or applied that is keeping me from hearing God?”

The next time God seems silent ask…

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How to Build a Team

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If you are a leader, one of the most important things you will ever do will have to do with the team you build around yourself. It doesn’t matter if you are paid, volunteer, if you work at a church or in a for-profit, your team will determine the success you will have.

Your team will determine the success you will have.

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The question then becomes, how do you build a team that not only works well with you, that you will work well with, but will also help you accomplish the goals you have as a leader?

Before getting to those things, let me tell you two truths you have to know up front about being on a team:

  1. Being on a team can be and will be one of the most rewarding aspects of ministry and life.
  2. Being on a team can be and will be one of the most painful aspects of ministry and life.

My hope for you is that you will experience the truth of number one. Here’s how:

1. Know yourself first. I’m amazed at how few leaders and pastors are self aware. Most don’t know the gift mix, personality type and how that affects their leadership. One of the most surprising things many leaders do when they build a team is simply filling roles without any thought to who they are as a leader. Are you organized? Creative? Black and White? Extrovert? Introvert? This is basic stuff but if you miss this, you will build the wrong team, you will build a team you don’t need.

2. Build around your strengths and weaknesses. This goes with the first one and if you don’t build around your strengths and weaknesses, but simply fill roles as many pastors do (with volunteers, elders and staff), you will build a great team for someone else. Any time you hire someone, bring on a volunteer, you should ask, “What does my team need?” Recently, the church I lead hired two new staff members that would be on my leadership team. One of the things I set out from the beginning was, they both had to be highly relational. We needed to find someone who was extremely organized and strategic. Why? While we are organized as a church, we don’t have someone whose primary gifts is in that area. Thankfully, we found all that our leadership team needed and roles we had to fill.

Know yourself so you can build the team you need, not the team someone else needs

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3. Have a clear vision and win (and make sure everyone agrees). This is where teams get off track, when they start building their own empires or reaching for personal goals or visions. Many times, the win for a team or organization is unclear, when that happens, people do and spend their time on what they think they should. You start pulling on the rope in different directions.

4. Be willing for things to not get done. This is crucial to building a team and incredibly difficult. To build the right team, you may need some patience as you wait for those people to come and that means some things might not get done. Now, if they are mission critical, keep the lights on kind of thing, they need to get done. But maybe you don’t attempt something or have music the way you want or kids ministry isn’t as robust as you’d like. It is better to wait for the right person than put the wrong person in charge that you’ll have to remove.

5. Have clear rules for how the team operates. Every team has rules for engagement and how they operate. Many of them are unsaid or simply made up, but have clarity on those rules. I ask each person on my team to agree to three things, three promises I make to them and promises I ask them to make to me and the other members of the team:

  1. Always make everyone on the team look good.
  2. Never surprise anyone on the team.
  3. Always have each other’s backs.

If things are agreed upon at the beginning, it creates accountability and keeps a lot of hurt and frustration from happening. Which leads to the last one…

6. Be accountable. You must have a plan for how you will hold your team accountable. Recently, we began implementing an annual plan. This not only helps me know the vision and goals of everyone on my team, it creates accountability from me, but also with the entire team. Each month, we will go over our plans, see where we are and how things are going.

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You’re Growing. Do More.

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There is an assumption that as your church grows, to keep growing you have to add more things. Do more.

Once you pass 200, add more programs so you can grow.

Recently someone told me, “Revolution needs to do more because _____ Church does _____ and they are bigger than you.”

It is an easy trap to fall into.

Starbucks tried it.

They sold coffee. Got big. Started doing breakfast sandwiches, which kind of worked but then the Howard Schultz took back over because Starbucks forgot who it was. Now they sell wine and food at some stores. The jury on that is still out.

I had another pastor tell me that when Revolution gets bigger I’ll have to rethink our position on not having a men’s and women’s ministry.

Why?

Because when you grow, you have to do more.

Church growth myth: To grow you must do more

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So the thinking goes.

The problem with doing more is that it simply becomes more.

I lead a simple church. Which means, we don’t do a lot. It isn’t because we can’t, but because we choose not to.

Singles ministry, senior adult ministries, women’s ministries, classes, concerts, coffee shops, book clubs, knitting ministries, camping ministries, ministries to people who want more ministries. We just don’t.

For a few reasons:

1. It creates clarity. I believe one of the reasons people don’t get plugged into a church is because they aren’t sure which step to take. Is this class, that ministry, that program the next step? What if I take the wrong step? When people are paralyzed, they give up. When barriers are in place and things are unclear, they don’t take a step.

If you want people to take the next step at church, tell them what it is

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2. If people are at church, they aren’t on mission. Missional happens in daily life. It can and does happen at church, but we display God’s love to the world around when we’re in the world around us. If we are always in a class, at a church program, we aren’t rubbing shoulders with people who don’t know Jesus. Instead of starting a church softball league, join a softball league with a bunch of people who drink and swear and live the gospel in front of them.

3. Busyness is rarely positive. Laziness is not healthy or a good thing, but Americans have this idea that the busier I am, the more successful I’m being ore the more right I’m doing. We feel guilty if our calendar isn’t packed but when it is, we wish we were doing less. Church is the same way. Just because your church calendar is full does not mean you are moving the ball down the field, you might just be spinning your wheels and not accomplishing a lot.

Busyness is rarely positive

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4. The things you do communicate what matters. Everything your church does, no matter how small or big, no matter how much or how little communicates what matters most. If you do a lot, have 118 ministries for a church of 200 people (I knew of a church with this), you communicate what matters. Everything says to everyone, “This matters, this is our mission.” As a leader, you then need to be careful what you choose.

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How to Leave Well

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At some point, you will leave the role that you have and move onto something different. That something different might be staying at home with kids, a new job or retiring.

Often, especially in the church world, leaving well is not something that is done often. Pastors don’t know how to handle leaders who leave and when you leave, it can be difficult to navigate that moment. I’ve written before about how a church should handle a leader who leaves, but today I want to talk about what you should do when you are leaving.

  1. Your last day is all people will remember. Most people don’t believe this one, but your last day is largely what people remember about you. They remember how you treated someone or what you said. No matter how long you are at a church or what you did, the majority of what they will remember and talk about is what happened on your last day.
  2. Tell your immediate supervisor first. When you decide to leave, the first person you should tell at your church is the person you work under. If you’re the lead pastor, tell the elders. You should not tell a trusted friend before your supervisor. Your supervisor will be a large part of deciding how the transition goes, your severance if applicable and how it gets communicated. You want them on your side. Also, this helps the church to keep moving. Fast transitions work well in the business world, but church is all about relationships and that takes a little longer to work through and transition well.
  3. Tell them as soon as possible. This is dicey and many people will tell their supervisor after they decide to leave. I think that is shortsighted and shows a lack of trust. Now, my word of caution is every pastor does not think like this, but I think you should allow your supervisor to walk with you and pray with you through this transition as you seek to see if God is leading you somewhere else. While some will struggle to hear you think God might be calling you somewhere else, I think it shows kingdom mindedness if you pray through it together.
  4. Be honest, but make sure you are building up the church you are leaving. If you are leaving because of a disagreement, everyone doesn’t need to know. You won’t be inauthentic if you don’t tell the whole story. Remember, the first one, that’s all people remember. So, if you leave throwing rocks, that’s your legacy. When the announcement is made, it isn’t up to you what is said publicly.
  5. If it is not a good separation, stay above the fray. There is a desire whenever a parting happens, whether in a job or relationship, to get our side of the story out. To get people on our side. Church is notorious for this because ministry is so personal and working relationships are so personal. When someone leaves a church, whether a staff member or someone who simply attends, our first desire is for people to know why we are leaving and get people on our side. This is being divisive, not building up. This only gets at our desire for retribution, not reconciliation or moving forward.
  6. The moment you say you are leaving, it is no longer about you. Many times a staff member leaves a church and wants people to cry, be upset, talk about all they did. This is pride. The church is moving forward and so are you.
  7. Help people process. You are excited because God is moving you somewhere else or you are getting freed from a job you hated. Either way, you aren’t sad because you are leaving. Others are. They will miss you, it won’t be the same. Before you go there mentally, help them process it. Also, the people in your church will not be as upset as you are if the leaving isn’t mutual. They will not understand why you are leaving or the emotions you have about it. Don’t pull them into your sin.
  8. You might need the church or pastor you’re leaving. Often, when someone leaves a ministry, they say things they shouldn’t. This is human nature and often sinful. But remember, as you leave, you never know when your path might cross with this church or pastor or elder team. You may need them down the road. Be kind. Treat them as you would want to be treated.
8 ways to leave a job well

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In the end, leaving doesn’t have to be messy. It can be a celebration of all that God has done through a person or a ministry, and what God will continue to do in that ministry after they leave, but also what that person will do in their next ministry. Churches often fail at this because they take it so personally instead of seeing how they are working together and furthering the kingdom in different parts of a city or country together.

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