When a Woman Struggles with “A man’s problem”

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On Sunday as part of our You & Me series, I talked about porn and sexual addiction and how it breaks intimacy in our relationships and ultimately harms us. Following the sermon, Katie and I did a live Q&A, which you can watch here as part of the sermon.

I love the willingness of our church to ask hard questions and I love that we get to be a part of helping people find freedom from sin.

One of the questions that came in asked: What if you’re a woman struggling with a sex addiction?…all the support seems to be for men struggling with sex addiction – who helps you if every time you hear about men’s struggles w/ sex you know you have the same problem? It’s incredibly isolating to be a woman struggling with “a man’s problem.”

While we responded to that question in the Q&A, I asked one of our leaders, Ciara Hull, if she could speak to that struggle from her story and she has graciously said yes. Below is her answer and story, which I hope, if you are a woman struggling with this, you will find this as a first step towards freedom.

When I heard these words from a live Q & A in Sunday’s sermon at our church, they echoed in my heart. I heard the plea, the pain, the shame, the desire for freedom behind those words. I don’t know this woman, but I share her secret. My earliest memory is of finding my dad’s Playboy magazine. That day changed the course of my life, it started a 22 year addiction to porn. It opened the door for early abuse, for wrong ideas about sex, intimacy and general confusion about how to relate to others. Sex became something that was a secret obsession. No one knew. But then it wasn’t enough and I had to push the boundaries. The term the industry uses is “experimenting”. Our culture calls it curiosity and encourages us to “explore”. But what happens when that’s not enough? How far do you go? How do you stop? Who do you go to for help? What are other people going to think? Ok, really what are other women going to think?

This shouldn’t be a problem for a woman. After all we are the ones being used as objects in porn. You begin to wonder does anyone else have this problem? Do they feel this embarrassed? Can I ever find freedom? These are all the questions I could feel unspoken in this one woman’s question. These are the fears that haunted me everyday.

But I’m here to say there is freedom! There is healing. There is change. There is redemption. Galatians 5:1 says “For freedom Christ has set you free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to the yoke of slavery.”

I remember the day those words struck a chord in my heart. The day God got a hold of me. We are set free in order to have freedom! Seems like a no-brainer, but if you are a slave do you know what freedom feels like? Having a sex addiction is slavery. You are bound to your next fix and the high is always short lived. So how does freedom come? How do you go on to have a healthy sex life with your spouse?

Here are some of the things that have helped on my journey to freedom:

  1. Recognize the truth that Christ paid the price to free you. Develop this relationship with Him. Dive into His Word daily to see what He says about Himself, about you and about living free.

  2. Know you aren’t alone. There is an increase in women acknowledging they are addicted and are seeking professional help. It isn’t just a man’s problem anymore. You may feel you are the only woman on the planet that is like this, but you aren’t.

  3. Identify when the most likely times are for your addiction to happen. When you are bored? Stressed? Suppose to be studying? What is your pattern? Once I figured out mine I could create systems to change the pattern. For example I could study at Starbucks instead of my living room.

  4. Reach out to a trusted female mentor. If she hasn’t had the same struggle she may know someone who has that she can connect you with. At the very least she is probably willing to help with accountability. This could be a leader in your church, it could be a professional counselor, it could even be an addiction group.

  5. Figure out your triggers and work to avoid them. For me this means there are a lot of movies I don’t choose to watch anymore. There are high filters set on our home firewall to not allow access to certain sites on the internet. There are also clothing magazines I had to call and request them to stop sending me – if they still come in junk mail I put them in the recycle bin before I go back inside. Just like a man I had to train my eyes for purity.

  6. If you are married, you need to share it with your spouse. In order to work towards unity this is not a burden you can carry on your own, you can navigate it together. If you are single, you should prepare one day to share with a potential finance what your struggles have been and how it may affect your intimacy.

  7. Pray constantly. Just like any other addict I have to choose to fight everyday. I’m constantly talking to God to help me not recall a certain memory and to help me find healing.

My hope is that the one woman from Sunday reads this and is encouraged to fight. Please know I’m praying for you.

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Stop Pretending Your Marriage is Great

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Whenever I preach on marriage or any topic, the responses vary but are often the same regardless of the topic. Money tends to bring out the same in people.

Some are excited about the possibility of change. Seeing marriage, money or pace in a new light. What would it look like if a couple started to serve and pursue each other. I love this response.

Another response is one of anger. Often when something new is presented, it pushes up against what is expected or what is known. This is the response when people say, “I’ll never give, I don’t see the need.” “I won’t slow down, because that’s how I’ve always done it.” “I won’t be in community because I don’t need people.” Underneath this response is always hurt, disappointment, letdown, broken promises, but ultimately sin and fear.

Another response to me is the saddest response, although the previous paragraph is equally heart breaking. It is the response of resignation or excuses.

This mostly comes up in marriage topics, but easily shows itself in other places. It is the person who longs to see something change but for whatever reason feels like nothing could be different. It is the, “I wish my spouse did ___, but because they don’t I’ll start to talk about why that is okay or ‘just the way it is.'” So heartbreaking.

I remember talking with a couple and they had all kinds of reasons why they weren’t pursuing each other, why they didn’t spend time together, and I tried to push on it and nothing. The next day the husband was on Facebook talking about why their marriage didn’t need that, almost like a badge of honor that they didn’t date each other anymore. The comments were astounding. Person after person affirming him. “You don’t need a date night. I know all kinds of couples with great marriages who don’t have a date night.” What all those people on Facebook didn’t know was how his wife was dying. The sin no one knew about because of the spiritual facade they put on.

Do couples have great marriages without a date night or yearly getaway?

Sure.

I’ve yet to meet a couple who did that religiously get a divorce though or say they wished they had less date nights or less getaways.

I’ve met lots of couples who excused why they didn’t have a date night or getaway spend years in a mediocre marriage or get divorced.

Great things do not just happen, they happen through intentionality and through good, godly advice.

When Katie and I first started Revolution, we knew a couple who was a leader at another church in another state, a couple many people looked up to. She could not handle money at all. In fact, the husband kept a separate account so that his marriage did not go bankrupt financially (again). Yet, they would always talk their marriage up in classes, online. And every time I thought, “if people only knew.”

So, why do couples do this?

There is a sense of failure if your marriage is not as great as you make it sound online.

There is a fear we have of being found out, of admitting we don’t have it all together.

Yet, in that fear is misery because until we admit our need for help, we can’t ever move forward.

I remember the first time I said out loud that Katie and I went to see a Christian counselor when we first got married. The person gave me a weird look for a second and then I said, “What? We want to make sure our marriage is as great as possible and we’re not faking it anymore.”

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How to Work 5 Days

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I talk with pastors, church planters and people who work outside of the church about productivity, pace, schedule and the stress of work. Over the past several years, I have read almost every book and blog I can get my hands on when it comes to these topics because the balance between work and life is so hard to balance.

Last week I talked with another pastor and he asked, “How do you get everything done that you need to get done by just working 5 days? I can’t imagine not working 6.” In fact, a few years ago one megachurch decided to start putting a theological framework around a 6 day work week. I’m not going to debate that, but from this blog post I think you can determine I think that was not a smart idea.

The short answer is lots of coffee.

Just kidding.

There are a few ways I’ve learned to work only 5 days instead of 6 and how to not take work home regardless of the business you have. Here they are:

  1. Decide you’ll only work 5 days. This may seem obvious but most people simply concede that working more than 5 days is just the lot in life for everyone. We don’t take control of our schedules very well and allow others to dictate them. Work also takes the amount of time you give it, so if you set a cut off time at the end of the day or week that you stick to, work will get done in that time. Don’t believe me? Think about how productive you are before a holiday or vacation. You get a ton done and what you don’t get done gets left (so it probably wasn’t that important).
  2. Talk to your boss about not taking work home. If there is an expectation (written or unwritten) at work that you will take work home, have a conversation with your boss about it. Ask what you could do so that work can get left at work. Don’t dictate terms, let your boss be part of the solution.
  3. Control email and notifications instead of them controlling you. Too many people allow social media and email notifications to drive their lives. In my opinion, you should check email at lunch and before the end of the day and that’s it. Email has a way of determining your to-do list and if you check it first thing in the morning, it can also hijack your focus as you will think about that frustrating email you got. At night, turn your phone off and don’t check social media. 
  4. Do only that which matters. If you hold to working 5 days and sticking to a certain number of hours, this will cause you to cut some things out of your life and make you do only the most important things. This is a good thing. As a leader, you should know what in your church or organization only you can do and do those things. You should be giving away leadership and allowing others to use their gifts.
  5. Leave things undone. You don’t need to do everything. This a myth too many people buy into. Some things that come across your desk, some requests are not worth doing. They don’t move you or your church forward. What things should be left undone? It depends.

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Why You Need to Get Away Every Year with Your Spouse

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I know what you are thinking, “I can’t get away every year with my spouse. It’s hard enough to take vacation with everything our kids do and we do and the money.”

Yet, the longer you are married, the most important things Katie and I do are weekly date nights and yearly getaways. And before you think I’m crazy about the cost of this, date night doesn’t have mean you go somewhere. Some of our best date nights have been at home.

So why is a yearly getaway so important? A couple reasons:

  1. Life is crazy and all consuming.
  2. It is easy to lose spontaneity in marriage and get stuck in the cycle of life.
  3. Kids have a way of wrecking any romantic moment. They have a radar that tells them when romance is happening and they wake up right then and knock on your door!

So how do you make this happen and pay for it? Here are a few ideas:

  1. Plan ahead. It won’t happen if you don’t plan it. Because of figuring out babysitting and the expense, you will probably have to save up. This also can show your spouse how important this is, that you are planning it.
  2. Go on an off season. I know, it is more romantic to go on your anniversary, but that might be the most expensive time of the year or the hardest to get away, so go when it is cheapest and easiest. And no, that isn’t being lazy, that’s being smart.
  3. Stay in town. You don’t need to take a cruise. Find a groupon deal for a bed and breakfast where you live and go there.

The goal is simple: go away without your kids, just your spouse and do things you each like. It might be a foodie tour of restaurants, sitting at a coffee shop all day or sleeping in.

What Kind of Preacher are You?

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There are all kinds of preachers out there. If you preach every week, you probably gravitate towards a certain style that you like to listen to and a style that you have personally. There are times that you will move in and out of styles on a weekly basis and sometimes within the same sermon, but you will by and large live within a certain style.

Here are a few I’ve seen:

  • The prophet. This is the in your face, yelling preacher. This one is often angry and typically reformed. There are times this is necessary in a sermon and some churches need to hear this style of preaching. Sin is confronted and not sugar coated.
  • The apologist. This is often the preacher that is filled with a list of facts, data and historical information to show the truth of Christianity. They are most comfortable when they are giving a lecture that feels like a class.
  • The evangelist. This is the preacher that is always about evangelism, always about making a choice to follow Jesus.
  • The inspirer. This is the preacher that hopes you’ll leave with new information, make a change in your life, maybe even take a step to follow Jesus. You will feel good after this sermon and feel like you can do anything.
  • The comforter. When you hear a preacher like this, you just feel like you got a warm hug.
  • The storyteller. This is the preacher that has a story for everything and is always telling stories.
  • The guilt ridden. This is the preacher that when you walk out you feel like you are the most horrible person on the planet.

I’m sure there are more styles, but you get the picture.

What is interesting about each style is that they usually have parts of the Bible connected to them. The evangelist hangs in Romans or the gospels. The comforter is always in Psalms or the gospels. The prophet can’t get enough of the letters of Paul.

This matters for a pastor because each one has his sweet spot. When a pastor gets out of that, he will need to prepare differently. For me, I find preaching from the Old Testament or Paul’s letters easy to do, the gospels are a challenge for me. I have good friends who are different. What happens if a pastor isn’t careful is they will preach only what they are comfortable with, so it matters to know what your style is.

You also need to know so that you can find other communicators not like you to help you grow or bring into your church.

Your Personal Growth Plan (Or How You Will Get Better)

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If you want to grow at anything, learn more about something or simply improve an area of your life, you need a plan.

It doesn’t just happen.

You don’t just happen to lose weight, get out of debt or learn a language.

Every year, I choose an area of my life or leadership that I want to grow in. I think one of the reasons we don’t grow in life is we pick too many things to grow in at a time.

In years past I’ve worked on my prayer life, communication in my marriage, raising kids, preaching, team building and hiring. Now, this doesn’t mean you spend one year on something and you have it figured out.

It means, picking an area of your life that if you could learn more, grow more, it would make an enormous impact and put energy and effort into that area.

For me, this means finding books, blogs, podcasts, talking to people who I respect who are experts in that area and putting a concerted effort to grow in that.

I’m such a believer in this, it is required for all our staff and leaders at Revolution Church, so I hope you’ll do it this year as well.

Here’s how you create your plan:

  1. Decide. What is your one thing? Marriage, money, career, prayer, reading your bible, preaching, parenting, communication? You have to pick one thing. If you have two, save the other one for next year. Choose the one that will make the biggest impact in your life this year. I know this is hard, but being ruthless about only choosing one thing will help. 
  2. Choose books and mentors. Purchase some books, find some blogs and people you respect who know more than you. Ask them to mentor you in this area.
  3. Share it with someone. This is the accountability stage. If you don’t create accountability, the chances of you succeeding go way down. Share it online, with a group, a friend, a spouse. Accountability is good, because remember, you want to grow and improve. Ask for help.
  4. Do it again. Once you complete the year, celebrate and choose the next thing.

Every year is an opportunity to grow, don’t settle.

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14 Top Posts of 2014

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In the month of December, I’ve been sharing my favorites of the year. You can read my favorite books of the year here.

Below are the 14 most read posts of 2014:

14. 10 Ways to Know if You’re Putting Your Kids Before Your Spouse

No one gets married thinking they will put their kids before their marriage, but over time without being intentional, it happens. It’s easy to do. Kids need our attention, they scream for it (literally). We also rationalize that it’s easier and the right thing to do. Or, we rationalize that we will have time for our spouse later in life, but later in life rarely comes.

13. Sometimes When People Leave Your Church, that is God protecting You

Whenever someone has left our church, no matter how much it hurt me personally, God has always shown himself faithful and allowed our church not to skip a beat. In fact, each time a volunteer or staff member has left, our church was stronger after they left and by God’s grace, we could take the next step.My point is, when people leave, sometimes it is for their good, your good and the good of the church because it is God protecting you.

12. 5 Things Productive People do in the Morning

Productivity is something everyone would like to raise in their life. To accomplish more is a goal most people have. Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of reading on time management, productivity, cutting things out of your life and how to step your game up. It seems like productive people accomplish more than everyone else and it isn’t because their life is easier or they have more hours in the day. They do specific things that everyone does not do.

11. Surviving a Hard Season in Your Marriage

If you are in a hard season that simply means you are married. Too many couples look at a hard season and want to throw in the towel, don’t. Your marriage means too much, the ripple affects to how your marriage goes are enormous. Don’t believe me? Talk to a friend who grew up in a broken home and ask them how that has impacted their life. Fight for your marriage.

10. 10 Books Every Christian Leader Should Read

I often get asked about leadership books that pastors should read. If you haven’t read these books, I highly recommend them. Let’s just say, these are 10 books every Christian leader should read.

9. The Pain of Breaking the 200 Barrier

Most churches in America never break through the 200 barrier, in fact, only 15% of churches break through it. Some pastors talk about it like it is the mythical unicorn. There are books, podcasts, webinars, and articles on how to break it. For years, Revolution would bump up against the 200 barrier and then go back down. We’d have seasons where we would stay above it and I thought we were through. Finally, we broke through it.

8. Dear Worship Leader

I love worship leaders. I love that at Revolution, almost half the service is music. I want you to be great. If you don’t serve with a pastor that wants you to be as great as possible, go find a new pastor to work with. The people who show up each week show up wanting to meet Jesus and you are a big part of that. You help us encounter Jesus in a personal, emotional and logical way. I want you to be great and I don’t want anything to stand in the way of you being the worship leader God called you to be.

7. How a Wife Flourishes

The idea of roles in marriage is filled with land mines. Many people have misused and misinterpreted the beautiful verses in the Bible to make them say what they want to. Few people have actually seen healthy couples live out roles well and often have incorrect views of Biblical roles. We have visions of quiet wives who say nothing, men who dominate and abuse their families all based on Ephesians 5, completely missing the point of this passage. In thinking about how a husband helps his wife flourish and become all that God has called her to be, here are 5 ways men often fail and how to work against these problems to create the picture described in Ephesians 5.

6. The One Thing Destroying Your Marriage That You Don’t Realize

On a regular basis I will hear from a parent, “My child is disrespectful to me or to my spouse and I don’t know what to do about it.” Or I’ll hear this from someone, “I can’t seem to connect with my spouse. We don’t connect sexually. We don’t connect emotionally or relationally.” What is going on? I’m about to pull my hair out. I don’t know what to do. Your kids reaction to you is a mirror of how they see you react to your spouse.

5. How Your Church can Reach Men

I was recently asked to join a team that helps to put events on for men in Arizona. I started to ask around about the organization because truth be told, I thought it was interesting since Revolution doesn’t have a men’s or women’s ministry. Essentially, we see our church as those. I asked someone who knew them well what he thought of this organization and he said, “Their meetings are a bunch of talk about ideas, what they’ll do but in the end, no action.” I looked at him and said, “So, like a men’s ministry.”

4. Vague Pastors

When you don’t preach on something, you are preaching on that thing. You are just saying what you think won’t be as controversial or the thing that won’t lose you your following.

3. 11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage

It is so sad when I meet a couple that is unhappy. Whether it is stress, finances, kids, in-laws or sin, too many couples simply settle for a mediocre marriage. They carry around this look that says, “I’m not happy, but this is as good as it will get.” I’m sorry, but if I’m going to be in a relationship for the rest of my life, I want it to be better than a sigh followed by, “this is as good as it will get.”

2. Pastors Can Make the Worst Friends

For most pastors, church is something they are always thinking about. The next capital campaign, new ministry year, next sermon series, next issue, hiring a new person. It never stops. They spend all their time with people talking about church. They sit with their wife on date night and talk about church. It is not just a job, it is their life. It is who they are and this becomes unhealthy.

1. Thoughts from a White Dad of a Black Son on Ferguson

One of my sons is black. I will raise two kinds of boys to become men. Three of them white and they will see the world, be treated by the world and interact with the world one way. Then, another son who will see it differently, interact with it differently and be treated by it differently. Three of them will walk around with little fear of violence or being arrested. They will walk around as young adults and not fear police officers. One of my sons will.

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How to Set Goals for 2015 You Will Reach

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Every year around this time, people begin thinking about the New Year and make resolutions. Sadly, many of these resolutions will not be reached. There is a way, a practice of creating goals you will not only keep but reach.

Here is a simple process I use each year to make goals and reach them:

  1. Call them goals, not resolutions. I want you to think of this as a goal, not a resolution. A goal is something you are working towards, with a destination in mind. It creates all kinds of sports analogies that I think help us in our mind.
  2. Look back before you look forward. One mistake I see a lot of people make when it comes to their goals is they don’t look back and celebrate. Often, our year was not as bad as we think it was. What did God do in the last year? How has God worked, blessed, challenged and sharpened you in the past year? I think an important part of setting goals is celebrating what has already happened (and sometimes lamenting missed opportunities). But, then you get to move forward.
  3. What is the one thing you want to accomplish this year? The last thing is choose one thing, not 15 goals for 2015. Will you accomplish more than one goal this year? Probably, but one of the things many people do that sabotages them is they pick too many things to reach for. What is the one thing, if you accomplished it would make the biggest impact in your life? That’s the one thing you need to do. What if you accomplish this by April? Then set another goal. Two years ago my one goal was writing a book. Six years ago is was losing 100 pounds. Both of those goals took over one year to complete, so it rolled over, but they happened. Choose one thing and only one thing and work until it is done. Is it getting out of debt? Going back to school? Starting a business? Mending a relationship? Do that one thing and then move forward. 

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Two Things Church Planters & Networks Don’t Talk About Part 1

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We planted Revolution Church 6 years ago. Leading up to that, I attended countless conferences, read tons of blogs and books and gathered up as much information as I possibly could. Then, we planted, joined Acts 29 (which I love), have continued to get more training and now I have the opportunity to train and coach church planters.

Sadly though, not every church planter who plants will finish. Not every couple who blazes the trail with excitement and passion with finish with excitement and passion.

Ironically, the reasons for failing, not finishing, falling out of ministry are usually the same.

What is sad about these the reasons is that they are the two least talked about topics on church planting circles.

Most church planters and pastors do not quit or fail in ministry because of theological issues or leadership skills. While this happens and you can lose your job because a denomination changes its stance on something or you fail in your leadership skills, that rarely happens.

The first reason pastors and church planters fail (that is not talked about enough) has to do with leadership health. I am stunned at the number overweight pastors, run down and tired church planters. We get excited about the preaching ability of a pastor but don’t ask him if he is resting well and taking his sabbath. It matters more if a pastor can raise enough money than if he is sleeping and eating well.

If you want a healthy church, have a healthy pastor.

This means a pastor is eating well, sleeping well, taking his vacation days, not preaching 50 Sunday’s a year.

This becomes the responsibility of the pastor as much as the church.

Here are a few things you can do as a leader:

  1. Put into your calendar your day off, preaching break and vacation. Nothing happens if it is not on your calendar. I plan the Sundays I won’t preach over a year in advance so I can work series around them, plan my vacation and so Katie and I can make our schedule work for us instead of the other way around. It is almost Christmas, you should have your summer vacation planned (even if it is a stay-cation). Figure out what Sundays are low attended Sundays and allow people to preach.
  2. Educate your church and elders about leadership health and longevity. Your elders may not understand how important leadership health is. They may also not understand how draining ministry can be. I love being a pastor, but it is a job that never ends and can be relationally, physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally draining. By simply adding the spiritual aspect of ministry, you make this job different from others and that needs to be accounted for. Explain this, tell them your plan for health and longevity, explain what you will do when you aren’t preaching and how this benefits you and the church.
  3. Train people to do what you do. When we planted Revolution, I preached 50 times the first year and 49 the second. It was a disaster. Some of that had to do with my pride but also because I had no one else. So, train other preachers. If you don’t have any, use video sermons from another pastor. Will someone get mad about this? Maybe, but that doesn’t matter.
  4. Crush the idols that keep you from healthy leadership. Pride is a reason many pastors are unhealthy and don’t rest well or eat well. Ask for help. Do some research. Admit to someone that you aren’t sleeping well, that you are using alcohol to help you sleep or taking sleeping pills and now you are addicted. Don’t hide in the shadows because eventually you will run out of steam and quit.
  5. Create a healthy culture in your staff. I get an email almost every week from a lead pastor or staff pastor asking, “How do I rest well? How do I eat well? What do I do when my lead pastor or elders want me to be available 24/7?” The culture in many churches works against healthy leadership, but also biblical principles. Jesus had no problem walking away from everything to rest and recharge. He did it at the worst and most inopportune moments as well. He was also available when people needed him. He balanced that well. If you want to be healthy, you will probably have to train your staff as well. They won’t learn it at any leadership conference or church planting boot camp sadly.

As I said at the start, there are two things that keep pastors and church planters from finishing and those two things are two of (I believe) the least talked about things in church planting circles. Leadership health is the first one, come back next week for the second one.

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