Posted on Monday, July 27, 2015

How to Find God’s Will

by Joshua Reich

Rarely is changing the world or making an impact with your life a one person deal. While we often only see the one person who becomes known, famous or makes an impact (ie. Mother Teresa, Steve Jobs), there is a group of people standing behind and with that person.

There’s a story in the Old Testament that I’ve always loved, the life of Nehemiah. He lived around 500 B.C. and was the cupbearer to the King of Persia, the most powerful man on the planet at the time (we’ll get to why that was important in a minute).

When we think about Jerusalem being rebuilt, we think of Nehemiah, but he wasn’t the only one in the story. There were more people involved. There was Hanani who came to Nehemiah and told him that the wall was still destroyed and the temple hadn’t been rebuilt (Nehemiah 1:2 – 3). The King funded the rebuilding process and gave Nehemiah the materials he needed and the time off. Ezra the priest helped form Nehemiah’s team in the process.

Most people never change the world because they are, (1) Hanani and they only see the problems in the world instead of taking a step to change the world. (2) They never ask The King in their life who they need to pay for the vision or support it. This could be a boss, a friend or a spouse. (3) They don’t build a team; they don’t have an Ezra who helps make the vision happen.

What happens when you want to stop being Hanani and take the step to be like Nehemiah?

Here are some questions to help you:

5 questions to help you discern God’s will for you life.

Who are you? Do not underestimate your story and where you’ve come from in this. Nehemiah was the cupbearer to the King. He was the perfect person to get the money from the Persian empire to rebuild the city of Jerusalem. Imagine, Nehemiah got the support of the most powerful king in the world to rebuild Jerusalem. The thing that God has placed on your heart you are uniquely gifted, wired and in the right place to accomplish.

God has wired us and placed us in the place to fulfill his will.

What breaks your heart? What bothers you? What stops you in your tracks? Poverty, orphans, that people don’t know Jesus, human trafficking, kids reading, fatherlessness, men leading their homes, broken marriages being restored, helping people find jobs, getting out of debt? The answer to this question will begin to show you what you need to give your life to. This doesn’t mean you will get paid to do it. You may work a job so that you can have money to fulfill this vision. Sometimes your vision and what breaks your heart will become a job, but not always.
What thing do you see and think, “Someone should do something about that?” This is connected to the last question, but it helps to hone in on what it is for you. Do you know the answer to that question for me? It is helping people not settle in life. I do that through coaching, writing, speaking and through leading Revolution Church. For me, I continued to see people who settled in life, were willing to live a ho-hum life instead of the life God had called them to live, and I finally said, “Enough is enough.”
What do you want people to thank you for at the end of your life? People will remember something about you when you die. You will walk into eternity with a story, and your story does impact eternity. If you are a parent, this starts within your home, with your kids. Discipling them, impacting them. What I have started to realize is that my legacy will be from my kids and the impact they make in the world. I’m less concerned today about what changes I make in the world and more concerned with how I prepare my kids to make changes in the world. I saw this truth play out when I was in 11^th In the span of a few months, both of my grandfathers died. One lived his life to make an impact, and at his funeral people came from everywhere to pay their respects. The line for the viewing wrapped around the building of the small town he lived in in Northern Pennsylvania. People stood, cried, laughed and told stories of a man who was always there, always helped. My other grandfather, when he passed away no one told stories, no one laughed. There were tears, but it was largely from those who wished they had a relationship with him, and now the realization that they never would set in.
What is your plan? This is what separates the Nehemiah’s from the Hanani’s in this world. Both saw a need, but only one had a vision and a plan. Only one had the courage to take the steps to do it. This is why the in between is so important; it creates our plan. It steels our resolve to not quit, to confirm in our soul that we are in fact called to this and will give our life to this vision. Anyone can have a dream; in fact, lots of people do. Few have a plan and execute it. In chapter two, Nehemiah goes to the King with his vision and plan, and God gives him success. The King not only allows Nehemiah to go to Jerusalem to rebuild the city wall. He funds it. Think of the impossibility. Nehemiah is asking the King to pay to rebuild a foreign city that could become an enemy. Walls keep people out and protect during war.

If God has called you to something, he has also called you to plan for it.

Now, the way you change the world might mean that you are The King or Ezra in the book of Nehemiah. You may fund and support the dreams of others; you may be on the team that changes the world. You aren’t the leader out in front. Instead, you are working behind the scenes to see the world change. All are needed, all are important. All are worth giving our lives to.

Posted on Monday, July 20, 2015

4 Ways to Use a Sunday Off Strategically as a Pastor

by Joshua Reich

If you are a pastor, you have a unique role at your church. Not a harder role, just a unique one. It is often hard for someone who isn’t a pastor to understand, but when you work at a church, going to church (whether you preach, lead, lead worship or coordinate things), you are working. Even if you don’t do all of those things (say you don’t preach on a Sunday but still go to your church), you are working. You are talking with people, counseling, shepherding, intervening. You are expending energy, leadership and care. This is good. This is what you are called to do.

However the reality is, in order to have longevity in ministry and at a church, you need to have Sundays when you are off, when you are away, so that you can catch your breath to be the best leader or pastor you can be.

But how do you do that?

Here are four ways to use a Sunday off strategically:

1. Take a Sunday off. I wish I could just assume that you will take a Sunday off as a pastor, but I can’t. I know too many people on church staffs that are workaholics. Some because they choose to be, some because their elders expect them to be and some because that is the culture of their church (I worked at a church like this before). You have to decide that you will take a Sunday off. It is good for you, your family and your church.

A Sunday off is good for a pastor, his family & his church.

The reality for some leaders is they will have to do some leading up to make this happen. This culture of seeing a Sunday off as a benefit to a pastor and a church is not seen by everyone. Every job has vacation days, and if you are in ministry, you should take every vacation day your church gives you.

2. Go to a different church. One of the best things a pastor can do is go to a different church and experience their service. This not only can be refreshing as you “feel like a normal person”, but you can learn and gain some great insights on how to improve your church. Seeing what others do, how they do elements in a service, can breathe new life into your church and leadership. If I’m not at Revolution, I always try to go to some other church. This also gives a pastor a great opportunity to sit with his wife for a whole service and not lead anything, which is a rare treat for a pastor and his wife as she normally sits alone while he preaches.

If you aren’t leading anything at your church this Sunday, go to a different church.

3. Stay home. This may sound sacrilegious, but hear me out. One of the healthiest things you can do on a Sunday off is stay home. Have a lazy morning. Take a hike. Make breakfast for your wife in bed. Play with your kids. Sleep in if you don’t have kids. Stay home. Should you do this every time you have a Sunday off from preaching? No, but once won’t kill you.

4. Worship at your church and be as normal as possible. One thing that can be eye opening for a pastor is going to his church and trying to be as normal as possible. What I mean is, if you have one service that starts at 10am, show up at 9:59 with your kids like everyone else does and see what traffic in the parking lot is like, what check in is like for the kids’ ministry. Pastors are often oblivious to this because they get to church hours before everyone else does. We’ve made changes to our church that have been incredibly helpful because I or one of our staff didn’t come early but came when everyone else does.

4 ways to be strategic with your time off as a pastor.

Now this idea sometimes rubs people in a church the wrong way. This is when a pastor will have to learn how to lead up to his elders and lead out in his church. The benefits to a church from a pastor using a Sunday off strategically are enormous. They get a pastor who is refreshed and a wife who doesn’t despise the fact that her husband never sits with her in church because he’s preaching (you’d be surprised at how many wives hold onto bitterness in their hearts over this). It allows a pastor to be a dad to his kids on a Sunday and a husband to his wife (as most pastor’s wives are single parents on a Sunday). It helps others get a chance to use and hone their preaching gifts, and a pastor can gain some incredible insights from how other churches do things so they can improve the ministry of their church.

If you haven’t had a Sunday off recently, do it. Put it on the calendar. Make a plan for how you will use it strategically.

Posted on Monday, July 13, 2015

2 Things Every Pastor Must Do Before Preaching on Marriage

by Joshua Reich

I recently finished a series on the Song of Solomon, and after talking to a number of pastors about it, many of them expressed a desire to not preach on marriage and relationships and sex. Let’s not forget the fear pastors have of talking about sex.

I think there are two things pastors must do if they are going to preach on marriage and relationships:

1. Get your marriage in order. I can’t overemphasize this. I realize if you are a regular reader of this blog you have heard this before, but this is so important. The longer you are a pastor at a church, the marriages of the church will resemble yours. If you want to preach on something, you must have something to share.

The longer you are a pastor at a church, the marriages of the church will resemble yours.

I know that working on your marriage is hard work; it is hard to make sure you are pouring time into your marriage. It is easy for a pastor to let his marriage fall apart because most people in your church have no idea if your marriage is going well. If your marriage is not what it should be, do some work on it so you have something to share when you preach on marriage.

2. Give your church the principles of marriage, not your marriage. Many times when a pastor preaches on marriage, he gives what he does based off the Bible and can give the impression that how the pastor does marriage is the only way to do it.

When you preach on marriage, give principles of marriage, not your marriage.

I get it. It is easy to say, “Based on Ephesians 5 or Titus 2 or 1 Peter 3, my wife and I do this,” and make it sound like the way you do it is the only way to do it. Is your way right? Yes. Is it the only way to do it? The only biblical way to do it? No. Take what the Bible says, the principles that it gives, and help your church apply those principles, not apply your marriage.

This is hard to do but incredibly helpful to your church. Your marriage is unique because of who you are and who your wife is. Keep that truth in mind when you preach on marriage.

Share the story of how you got to where you are, how you have applied the things in the Bible on marriage. Make sure you make those the hard gospel truths you preach, not what you do based on those.

2 keys to preaching a sermon on marriage.

Posted on Monday, July 6, 2015

5 Ways to Preach a Bad Sermon

by Joshua Reich

Yes, there are such things as bad sermons and sermons that should never be preached.

I’ve preached them, and if you are a preacher, you have preached them, too. They are painful, they put people to sleep, they make people decide church isn’t worth their time (and worse God isn’t worth their time), and they turn people away from the truth.

Now many pastors in an effort to not be accountable for their sermons and/or to not work hard on their sermons love to quote from Isaiah 55:11: “So shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” I rest in this verse as all pastors should, but this verse does not say, “Don’t work at your craft, don’t put in effort.”

So here are five ways to guarantee that your next sermon will be awful:

5 ways to guarantee that your next sermon will be awful.

1. Be unprepared. Walk up to the stage, look at your church and have absolutely no idea what you are going to say. Wing it. Make it up as you go along. Be all over the map. Preach someone else’s sermon and see what happens.

Lots of pastors preach when they aren’t prepared. I’m not talking about the text isn’t still convicting you, because that will never stop. I’m talking about, you didn’t prioritize your sermon prep time, so you aren’t prepared. You let your week get away from you and others decided your calendar, so you are working on it Saturday night when you should be asleep.

Apart from someone dying or some other unforeseen catastrophe, my sermon prep time is blocked out and not negotiable. Why? Preaching is the most important part of my job. It is when I have the most influence over the life of my church. When else is everyone in one room, hopefully listening? Never. Preaching isn’t all that I do, but it is the top priority of my week in terms of my role at my church, and yours too if you are the main communicator of your church.

One way to guarantee a bad sermon is to be unprepared.

2. Say what you want the Bible to say. This is incredibly common in a lot of sermons and one I have to constantly work against. Often what the Bible says is not as cool as what we want the Bible to say. What we want to say isn’t as piercing, confrontational or invasive as what the Bible says. But no one changes based off what I want to say; they only change through the power of the Spirit working through the text.

This reason is why I started preaching through books of the Bible. I know pastors build their case through the Bible as to why you should preach through books. I do it because I know my heart and tendency is to decide what I want to say, go find a verse that says that or I can make say that, and then preach a sermon. Preaching through books of the Bible prevents that for me.

I know you think people came to hear you preach, and in a way they did, but what they don’t know or maybe can’t verbalize is they showed up at your church to hear from God. You are just the instrument for that.

3. Don’t talk about Jesus, just give good advice. Another way to guarantee a bad sermon is to simply give out good advice and never talk about Jesus. Most would say if you don’t talk about Jesus that isn’t a sermon, just a talk, which I would agree with. But I digress.

Remember #2, they didn’t show up to hear you but to connect with God. They maybe can’t verbalize that, but that’s their heart cry.

4. Don’t have a main point. This is one of the hardest things to do in a sermon, to boil down your sermon to one point. Not three or five, but one. That is all your church will remember if they remember anything. I know we want them to remember all of it, but they forget about 80-90% of what we say, which is incredibly humbling when you think about it.

To make your sermon last longer than Sunday morning, you must think of ways to communicate it in a memorable sentence.

If you can’t say your sermon in one sentence, you aren’t ready to preach.

5. Don’t tell anyone what to do. Pastors love to use Isaiah 55:11 to avoid application. The thinking goes like this: Just get up there, read a verse, say what the Bible says and then sit down and let the Holy Spirit bring the application. Nowhere does this verse even allude to this. This is the one that I often struggle with the most, creating clear next steps. Moving from, “The Bible says this,” to, “So in light of that, go and do ________.”

This is the handle people are looking for to apply the sermon. Do we need to spell it out for people? Yes. Some people will get it on their own and may even get a next step from the Holy Spirit you don’t give them, and that is great, but most people are waiting for you to answer the “now what” question. Like #4, if you can’t tell them a next step, the sermon isn’t ready to preach.

If you can’t tell them a clear next step, the sermon isn’t ready to preach.

Posted on Friday, June 26, 2015

Why Pastors Are Afraid to Preach on Marriage

by Joshua Reich

That may seem like a weird blog title, but I think pastors have some genuine fear about preaching on marriage and relationships.

In the past few weeks as I have talked with pastors about our series through the Song of Solomon, many of them have expressed how they would never preach through that book. In fact, I looked at the websites of churches who “preach through books of the Bible verse-by-verse,” and the Song of Solomon is one of the books most pastors skip.

I’ve already detailed why a pastor should preach on marriage, relationships and singleness on a yearly basis, but why don’t they?

Here are a few reasons:

1. Their marriage isn’t what it should be. I think this is the reason pastors don’t talk about marriage, relationships and sex in their sermons. Their marriage is falling apart. They aren’t happy, their wife is miserable, maybe they are having an affair, are addicted to porn. In short, if they preach on marriage they would be a hypocrite. Honestly, I’ve had a number of pastors tell me this is the reason they don’t preach on marriage, and every time I hear it, my heart breaks. Not only for their church and what they are missing, but also for the pastor and his wife.

They are stuck, and they don’t know what to do. They are sad, heartbroken, miserable, angry with each other, fighting off bitterness, maybe considering a divorce (but they don’t know how to support themselves if they get divorced). They may even be considering cheating on their spouse.

If this is you, you shouldn’t preach on marriage, but you also need to not walk through this alone. You need to take a break from ministry, involve your elders, see a Christian counselor. Something. Anything to work on your marriage to get it on the track it needs to be.

Most pastors don’t preach on marriage because their marriage isn’t what it should be.

2. Marriage, being single, divorce are all private matters, and many pastors fear private matters. Many pastors, believe it or not, are fearful of diving into the personal matters of your life. Money and sex are topics pastors are afraid to talk about, often because they think their church doesn’t want to hear about those things. Honestly, what the Bible says about these two topics is probably something everyone in your church wants to know.

Money & sex are 2 topics everyone in your church wants to hear about.

It is difficult to wade into the waters of porn and sexual addiction, divorce, unhappy marriages, and brokenness. It is uncomfortable and not very fun. But as a pastor, that is where your people live and need your help.

3. They don’t want to exclude anyone. This is a real reason why many pastors don’t preach on marriage and relationships, and I understand it. It is hard when you talk about roles in marriage knowing that a single person is sitting there who finds this completely irrelevant, or a divorced person who begins feeling guilty about their failure. It is hard to talk about being single and purity as your married couples sit there and think, “What does this have to do with me?”

Those are all true.

At the same time, part of teaching your church is helping them understand that just because something doesn’t feel relevant doesn’t mean that it isn’t relevant. I need to know the struggles of someone who is single or dating so I can be a good friend to my single and dating friends. The same goes with divorce and marriage. If you are single, you may be married one day, and it is great if you can learn a thing or two now before getting there.

4. Pastors don’t want to deal with the pain that comes with it. The moment you start talking about marriage, relationships, divorce, dating and sexuality, you are about to open a can of worms that you may not want to in your church. You will find yourself wading into abuse, anger, bitterness, addictions, hurts and family of origin issues that often feel like a web that will never untangle. I had a pastor tell me he doesn’t preach on these topics because he doesn’t want to deal with those hurts in the lives of his people.

Yet this is the exact spot most of the hurt in your church resides, these topics. These are the fights that couples are having, this loneliness is why singles hurt so much at night and why they fall into arms they shouldn’t and pull up websites they shouldn’t. This hurt and disillusionment is why wives get bitter and why husbands aren’t servants to their wives.

Most hurt and regrets in our lives are sexual, so churches should talk about them.

5. Pastors don’t want angry emails. As someone who preaches on these topics regularly, and having preached the Song of Solomon twice in the seven years Revolution has existed, I can tell you that marriage, divorce, dating, sexual addictions, porn and sex are fast ways to get angry emails.

Just tell a wife that the word submission is in the Bible. Talk about sex and see what happens. We challenged married couples to do something sexual everyday for 30 days. Some people loved that, others didn’t. I heard from both. I had people tell me the Song of Solomon shouldn’t be in the Bible, that it really isn’t about sex but about God’s love for us. If you have read through the Song of Solomon, it’s kind of awkward; it’s like being a voyeur to someone’s sexual life. It’s descriptive, clear, intimate and inspired by the Holy Spirit just like John and Romans are.

If you preach on these topics, don’t go into them blindly. You will make people angry. Some is to be expected. When you talk about forgiving someone who abused you or your ex-husband, expect some anger and hurt. This is natural and okay. This is an opportunity for you to disciple someone to be more like Jesus. Will that be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Yes.

Posted on Monday, June 22, 2015

Why You Should Preach on Marriage & Singleness Each Year

by Joshua Reich

Recently I wrapped up a series on the Song of Solomon at my church called You & Me: Being Single, Finding Love & Staying Married.

The response from my church was overwhelming, and the response from other pastors was interesting. I think too many pastors are afraid to preach on marriage & singleness, in particular from the Song of Solomon, but that’s another blog post.

I think each year every church should do a series on marriage, finding love, being single and dating. Here’s why:

6 reasons your next sermon series should be on marriage.

Most regrets & secrets are sexual. Everyone has regrets and shame in their life. Whenever I meet with someone and they say, “I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone else,” it is almost always sexual. It is amazing how we can believe the grace of God can reach every part of our life except our sexuality. We attach something different to it, whether good or bad, that is the truth. People need to know what to do with those secrets, that hurt and shame.
Everyone wants to know what the Bible says on sex, marriage, dating and being single. We often think that people don’t want to hear what the Bible says on dating, marriage or something touchy like money. That’s false. Everyone wants to know; they are curious. Most people know they have no idea how to do marriage and are looking for help from any source. Most unchurched people will give what the Bible says a listen if it might help.
Most people have no idea how to be married. This is true for couples and singles. Most people grow up in broken homes, have no idea about how to fight well, communicate well, serve their spouse, live out in healthy roles, make decisions as a couple. They are clueless, so they make it up as they go along. Preaching on this topic on a regular basis helps everyone, whether they are single or married.
Those who aren’t married are really curious about this. The most comments I got while preaching through the Song of Solomon were from singles. In fact, singles tell me on a regular basis that the sermons they listen to more than once are on marriage. Why? See #3. They want to make sure they don’t do something now that messes up later.
The effects of a broken marriage are felt for generations. If you have been divorced, have parents who are divorced, are married to someone whose parents are divorced or went through a divorce, you know this is true. We often think this isn’t true, and not to make anyone feel guilty, but how marriage goes or doesn’t go has enormous effects on us and our kids, and their kids. For this reason alone, pastors should spend more time preaching on marriage.
We need to communicate a better narrative than our culture. Our culture talks a lot about sex and sexual identity. Our culture identifies themselves based on sexuality (“I’m gay, I’m transgender”, etc.). Sadly this means our culture thinks the most interesting thing about you is what you do in the bedroom, which isn’t the case. Pastors need to help people find a better and more true identity. On top of that, the New Testament talks about how marriage is a picture of the gospel. You can’t separate the two.

6 reasons you should preach on marriage this year.

I think more pastors should preach on these topics. I’ll share soon why many pastors are afraid to preach on marriage, but the longer we stay silent on these topics in the church or aren’t helpful when we preach on them, the more our culture will continue to give a narrative that seems right and good to those in our churches.

Posted on Friday, June 5, 2015

Praying for Your Kids

by Joshua Reich

After posting on why we parent the way we do and the gospel and parenting, the response is interesting. What most Christian parents say when you ask for advice (especially if their kids turned out well) is, “We just prayed and by God’s grace it worked.”

Now, on one hand this is true and good. Prayer is an enormous part of parenting. Most of the praying I do as a parent, though, feels like it comes out of desperation more than anything else.

What this communicates to younger parents is, “Just pray and everything will work out.”

Let’s think about Luke 15 and the prodigal son. God is represented by the Father in that parable. Was God represented for the whole parable or just at the end when the son came home? I’d say in the whole parable we are seeing what God is like.

My point from a parenting perspective is this: The glory of God is the goal of God. That’s what we are called as Christians to pursue and do, to glorify God.

Let me say something that is hard to hear and doesn’t get said enough: God might be most glorified through your child’s rebellion. He might draw more people to Himself that way. He might draw you as a parent to Himself that way, and ultimately His plan to draw your child to Himself might be through a long, dark season of rebellion.

God might be most glorified through your child’s rebellion.

If Ephesians 1 is true (and I believe it is) that God knew before the foundations of the world who He would draw to Himself, how do I know if my child is one of those? I will pray, cry out to God, bring the gospel to bear on my kids’ hearts, but ultimately God changes them.

This isn’t to bring a dark cloud into parenting. Parents do that well enough on their own. It is to bring a realistic view to parenting and the so-called “best practices” and “what worked for me” conversations.

If the glory of God is the goal of life (and God), how do I most glorify Him as a parent? How will my kids most glorify Him?

This becomes a matter of trust as a parent. This is us placing our kids in the hands of God, which is an incredibly scary proposition because we aren’t sure what will happen. As parents, we like controlling the outcome for our kids. We do it with school, church, sports teams, dance and band practice. We send them to camps to get an edge so that we can control the outcome. We say we do all those things for their betterment and the experiences they are having as kids (and that’s partly true), but we mostly do those things to control the outcome.

God does not give us control over the outcome.

God does not give us control over the outcome as parents.

Does this mean that kids who turn out well, following Jesus as adults, had parents who prayed for them more than kids who don’t turn out that way? I’m not sure.

Take parents who raise two kids. One follows and loves Jesus as an adult, the other doesn’t. Did the parents only pray for the one kid? I doubt that.

The question is: How is God most glorified in and through that person’s life?

Parenting should drive us to our knees for our kids, for their hearts, for their future, for the person they will marry. Parenting should drive us to our knees because of their sin and our sin. And while we are on our knees, we can ask that our parenting will glorify God as God sees fit.

Here is how we pray for our kids:

Their salvation. You should pray for your kids salvation, that the gospel of grace would grip them, that they would see the depth of their sin and need for God. Nothing else matters in parenting, this right here is the ball game.
God’s direction in their life. Pray that Jesus would be not only their Savior and redeemer, but that He would be their King. That He would rule and reign in their lives, that they would see their lives as being lived under King Jesus. This affects the choices they make, the way they choose to live, purity, friendships, major in college, career moves, etc.
Their future spouse. No other decision has more ripple affects than who one marries. Nothing else impacts your life more than this choice (outside of following Jesus). The two things you pray for your kids, you should be praying those things for their future spouse.

Posted on Wednesday, June 3, 2015

12 Ways to Keep the Passion Alive in Your Marriage

by Joshua Reich

I came across this list in Daniel Akin’s book God on Sex: The Creator’s Ideas about Love, Intimacy, and Marriage and thought it was really helpful:

12 Ways to Keep the Passion Alive in Your Marriage

Work at it. A lifetime of love and romance takes effort. Few things in life are as complicated as building and maintaining an intimate, passionate relationship. You need to work on it constantly to get through those trying periods that require extra work.
Think team. When making important decisions, such as whether to work overtime or accept a transfer or promotion, ask yourself this question: What will the choice I am making do to the people I love? Talk with your mate and family. Make “we” decisions that will have the most positive impact on your marriage and your family.
Be protective. Guard and separate your marriage and your family from the rest of the world. This might mean refusing to work on certain days or nights. You might turn down relatives and friends who want more of you than you have the time, energy, or wisdom to give. You might even have to say no to your children to protect time with your spouse. The kids won’t suffer if this is done occasionally and not constantly. It will actually be beneficial for everyone!
Accept that good and not perfect is okay when it comes to your mate. No one is perfect other than Jesus! You married a real person who will make real mistakes. However, never be content with bad. Always aim for great, but settle for good!
Share your thoughts and feelings. We have seen this one over and over. Unless you consistently communicate, signaling to your spouse where you are and getting a recognizable message in return, you will lose each other along the way. Create or protect communication-generating rituals. No matter how busy you may be, make time for each other. For example, take a night off each week, go for a walk together on a regular basis, go out to breakfast if you can’t have dinner alone, or just sit together for 30 minutes each evening simply talking, without any other distractions.
Manage anger and especially contempt better. Try to break the cycle in which hostile, cynical, contemptuous attitudes fuel unpleasant emotions, leading to negative behaviors that stress each other out and create more tension. Recognize that anger signals frustration of some underlying issue. Avoid igniting feelings of anger with the judgment that you are being mistreated. Watch your non-verbal signals, such as your tone of voice, hand and arm gestures, facial expressions, and body movements. Remain seated, don’t stand or march around the room. Deal with one issue at a time. Don’t let your anger about one thing lead you into showering the other with a cascade of issues. If different topics surface during your conflict, note them to address later. Try to notice subtle signs that anger or irritation is building. If you are harboring these feelings, express them before they build too much and lead to an angry outburst. Keep focused on the problem, not persons. Don’t turn a fairly manageable problem into a catastrophe. Emphasize where you agree.
Declare your devotion to each other again and again. True long-range intimacy requires repeated affirmations of commitment to your spouse. Remember: love is in both what you say and in how you act. Buy flowers. Do the dishes and take out the trash without being asked. Give an unsolicited back or foot rub. Committed couples protect the boundaries around their relationship. Share secrets with each other more than with any circle of friends and relatives.
Give each other permission to change. Pay attention. If you aren’t learning something new about each other every week or two, you simply aren’t observing closely enough. You are focusing on other things more than one another. Bored couples fail to update how they view each other. They act as though the roles they assigned and assumed early in the relationship will remain forever comfortable. Remain constantly abreast of each other’s dreams, fears, goals, disappointments, hopes, regrets, wishes, and fantasies. People continue to trust those people who know them best and who love and accept them.
Have fun together. Human beings usually fall in love with the ones who make them laugh, who make them feel good on the inside. They stay in love with those who make them feel safe enough to come out to play. Keep delight a priority. Put your creative energy into making yourselves joyful and producing a relationship that regularly feels like recess.
Make yourself trustworthy. People come to trust the ones who affirm them. They learn to distrust those who act as if a relationship were a continual competition over who is right and who gets their way. Always act as if each of you has thoughts, impressions, and preferences that make sense, even if your opinions or needs differ. Realize your spouse’s perceptions will always contain at least some truth, maybe more than yours, and validate those truths before adding your perspective to the discussion.
Forgive and forget. Don’t be too hard on each other. If your passion and love are to survive, you must learn how to forgive. Ephesians 4:32 must always be front and center. You and your spouse regularly need to wipe the slate clean so that anger doesn’t build and resentment fester. Holding on to hurts and hostility will block real intimacy. It will only assure that no matter how hard you otherwise work at it, your relationship will not grow. Do what you can to heal the wounds in a relationship, even if you did not cause them. Be compassionate about the fact that neither of you intended to hurt the other as you set out on this journey.
Cherish and applaud. One of the most fundamental ingredients in the intimacy formula is cherishing each other. You need to celebrate each other’s presence. If you don’t give your spouse admiration, applause, appreciation, acknowledgement, the benefit of the doubt, encouragement, and the message that you are happy to be there with them now, where will they receive those gifts? Be generous. Be gracious. One of the most painful mistakes a couple can make is the failure to notice their own mate’s heroics. These small acts of unselfishness include taking out the trash, doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, driving the carpool, preparing the taxes, keeping track of birthdays, calling the repairman, and cleaning the bathroom, as well as hundreds of other routine labors. People are amazingly resilient if they know that they are appreciated. Work hard at noticing and celebrating daily acts of heroism by your mate.

12 Ways to Rekindle the Passion in Your Marriage

Posted on Monday, June 1, 2015

Want to Work at a Church? Go to a Church.

by Joshua Reich

I keep seeing a trend. It probably isn’t new, but it has struck me recently.

I’ve talked with different guys who want to plant a church or pastor a church. They are talented, charismatic and smart, but they all have one thing in common.

They don’t attend a church.

Want to work at a church? Attend a church.

They have different reasons: burned out, hurt, overlooked, or often they feel like they know more than anyone else. This last group is always interesting to me because the first step of leadership is being a great follower, being humble and teachable.

If you find yourself too burned out for church, too hurt from church, than you need to pull back and not be in leadership at a church. Don’t rush back in. Take some time to heal, to catch your breath. Too often I think we lose sight of how God wants to use our whole lives and get focused on this day. We don’t have to accomplish all that God has called us to today. Right now may not be your time to accomplish. Right now might be your time to be with God, build your relationship with Him and allow Him to shape some areas of your life to prepare you for what is next.

If you are too burned out or hurt to attend church, don’t try to lead.

So what do you do if you want to work at a church but it isn’t happening like you want?

Attend a great church. This whole post is about this, but don’t miss this point. Find a great church and plug in. Learn all you can. Find great leaders to talk to, read great books and listen to great podcasts. This is a great time to learn because when you are leading, continuing to learn and grow becomes very difficult.
Ask, “Why not now?” I think we get so focused on what we want, and get disappointed or bitter when it isn’t happening, that we fail to ask, “Why isn’t God opening the doors I want right now? What am I not ready for?” Don’t miss that last question. I believe God often keeps us from things because we aren’t ready for them.
Focus on what God is teaching you and what you can learn right now that will be helpful in the future. Once you uncover why not now, dig into that. What does God want to show you from that right now? I remember a hard season 10 years ago when God had us in a holding pattern and I was not doing any leading. God was shaping me for what would come. It was hard and painful, but it was one of the most fruitful times of my life because I am still reaping the benefits of that learning time.

How does God want to use the in-between time to prepare you for what’s next?

Be great at whatever you do at a church. Too many young leaders want to simply lead and get paid for it right now. That may be the case for you, or it might be later or never. Don’t be so focused on a full-time job; focus on leading and using your gifts wherever you are. If you do great work, have integrity, do much with what you are given, God will honor that. On top of that, churches will want more of what you do and will place you into leadership. So become indispensable to a church.

While you may feel like a failure if you want to be a pastor and you aren’t right now, you are not a failure. We have elevated pastoring above leading in the marketplace or being a teacher or lawyer or owning a small business, and it is hurting many people who otherwise would be productive Christians. Not everyone should work full-time at a church.

Posted on Thursday, May 28, 2015

Your Goal for Parenting Makes all the Difference

by Joshua Reich

I posted last week about how many Christian parents fall into the trap of parenting out of what is easier instead of what is biblical.

I get it.

We have 5 kids and life gets hectic. Many times you want your child to just listen to you, stop doing what they’re doing and get their act together. Correcting, late nights, explaining yourself, engaging in why they did something, all takes effort. After a long day, that is often the last thing I want to do.

It is important for parents, in the midst of all the advice, books, blogs and hearsay, to take a step back and ask, “What is our goal as parents? What are we hoping to do? What kinds of kids do we want to send out into the world?” The answers to these questions will impact the way you parent.

The kind of kid you are hoping to raise will influence how you parent.

Many times Katie and I will be asked about parenting styles; things like love & logic, baby wise, child directed feeding, parent directed. All kinds. Should you spank a child, ground them, put them in time-outs?

Parenting, adoption, babywise & the gospel.

As parents, there is a sense of desperation. There is so much information out there, so many opinions, and we often feel at a loss. We hear successful parents talk about what they did, but what if your child is different than theirs?

One question has been running through my head recently as it relates to parenting (and I think it is one every Christian parent needs to think about). This question should shape how you communicate to your child, how you discipline, if you let them cry it out, etc.

The question is this: Does my parenting reveal the heart of God?

Does your parenting reveal the heart of God?

Let me explain.

God is a parent. He identifies himself as Father in the Bible, writers talk about his attributes as a parent (disciplining, communicating, loving, holding, cherishing, etc.). I think most Christians can agree on this point: God is our Father, we are children of God. I am a parent to a child, so therefore one of my hopes as a parent is to reveal to my kids what God is like.

Take a step back from your parenting for a second.

When your child thinks of how you discipline, communicate, connect, talk to them, interact with them, are they getting an accurate picture of what God as a Father is like? (And this isn’t just for men.) Your kids are connecting you to what God is like because they hear him called Father. They do that on their own. You are just revealing to them what God is like.

How you interact with them says to your child, “This is what God is like.”

Let me give an example about discipline. The question often comes up about time-out’s, spanking, grounding, etc. Often as a parent, I fall into the trap of handing down discipline out of frustration or wanting it to move faster. What does discipline look like when we think about the heart of God? Does God disconnect himself from his children? Or is he with them? Does he leave them or go to them? Does he send his kids to their room? Think about Luke 15 and the Father running out to meet his son, the search for the lost sheep, the lost coin. Many of our kids fit those descriptions, and yet the heart of our parenting is nowhere near the heart of God as seen in Luke 15.

I have a hard time picturing God telling us to go work it out in our room, landing the boom on us or letting us “cry it out.” (As a caveat, there is a big difference between a child asking for space to process something they did and you making them have space in their room for something they did.) Instead, I see a God who pursues relationship and connecting. God is there in the muck, doing the hard work of loving a broken person, pursuing, taking the first step, not waiting on a child.

Your parenting reveals something about God; you are communicating to your children and to those around you what they should believe about God from your parenting.

So the questions every Christian parent needs to ask are not what is easiest for me or what works for my schedule. I understand those questions and desires, but those aren’t questions that should enter our heads. Instead, we have to ask: Is my parenting a true picture of the heart of God?

Your goal for parenting will influence how you parent.

I don’t think this question gets asked enough about parenting. We look for tips and tricks and I’m all for those. At the end of the day, your goal (at least one of them) as a follower of Jesus with kids is to reflect the love of God to your kids and show them a true picture (as best as you can through the power of the Holy Spirit) of what God is like.

Why Parents Struggle with Connection

Let me take another step back, because I believe every parent wants to be connected to their child. We struggle to do it, it is difficult, we often don’t know what to say, but deep down there is something else happening.

Many of us don’t feel connected. We have skeletons in our past that whisper lies to us that keep us from engaging with our kids, that keep us from sharing our hurts, that keep us from being alive in Christ. And because we aren’t sure what the heart of God is like, we don’t know how to communicate that to our kids as a parent.

All we remember from childhood is abuse, broken promises, absent parents or parents who hovered and put us in bubble wrap. Connecting wasn’t a goal, authority and discipline were. Keeping things in line, looking and acting a certain way, projecting a certain persona.

And since we’re being honest, connection takes time and effort. When I need to discipline my kids, I want to shout and tell them to go to their room instead of taking a deep breath, sitting on the ground and hearing why they did something and talking with them about the power of sin and the power of Jesus over sin. I want to push them away in my sinfulness so they’ll go to sleep at night and I can have some down time. But my down time and my comfort are not the goal of parenting.

My down time and my comfort are not the goal of parenting.

But many parents (and I fall into this trap more than I like to admit) have their comfort, ease and down time as a goal.

I know what you’ll say: “I don’t have any adopted kids. My kids don’t come from a hard background.”

The truth is, because of sin, all our kids come from a hard background. Whether that is being in a foster care system, experiencing abuse, struggling to meet standards at a suburban school, hard backgrounds are everywhere. The background of a child isn’t even the point because the heart cry of your child and every child is connection. How do I know? Because it is the cry of my heart with my heavenly Father, and it is the cry of your heart.

We are just good at being adults and suppressing it.