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Being a Pastor’s Wife: Pastor Your Wife as Much as You Pastor Your Church

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Pastor's wife

Many churches (and pastors for that matter) do not know what to do with pastor’s wives, how to treat them, what role they play or how important they are. It is a hard role to live in and stay in. Everyone has a lot of their own expectations of what the wife of a pastor should be like, yet, they are all different.

While Revolution (and myself) has struggled just like every other church to figure this out, I believe Katie and I have figured some things out that we have put into place which will prove to be invaluable in the future. While this is not exclusive to pastors, any leader in a church and for that matter, any husband can do better in understanding their wives and how to engage them.

Over the next month, I’ll be sharing some of the things we’ve learned that I hope will be beneficial for you.

I remember when Katie and I were engaged; she met with a woman who was married to a pastor. Katie told her about our engagement, our future plans of being a pastor and starting a church. This pastor’s wife looked at Katie and told her to “run away as fast as she could.” In no uncertain terms, she told her to not marry a pastor. Now that I am a pastor, I can see why (now, let me share my completely biased opinion).

I have not held many other jobs. At 18, I knew what I wanted to do with my life and I poured everything I had into getting there. God opened many doors for me and blessed me with the opportunity to be on staff at some great churches and be around some world class leaders.

But, being a pastor is hard work. It never ends. There is always another meeting to be had, another person who needs help or someone else to counsel, there is always another book to read or a sermon to write, there is always another fire to put out, another person who needs me this minute. Simply put, being a pastor is a lifestyle job. This is the joy and curse of it. It is what I have given my life to, I will just never complete my to do list. And that is okay. What many pastors struggle with is that it is easy to serve others and help others instead of helping and serving their own family. They pour all they have into their churches and leave their families to fend for themselves. What is interesting though is that according to the qualifications of a pastor/elder in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 is that you judge a pastor/elder based on his family and how he leads them, serves them and how they work together.

3 ways help your wife become all that God has called her to be & all that she wants to be.

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Protect Her Heart 

It is easy for a pastor’s wife to get bitter. To see how her husband helps so many other people, how he listens to other people’s problems and not hers. How he can be ready to serve someone at the drop of a hat, but not pick up his clothes at home. She is left to fend for herself and her kids. What many pastors forget is that their wife and kids attend their church and not only are they pastor dad, they are a pastor to them in the same way that he is a pastor to everyone else in the church.

Because it is a lifestyle job that involves counseling, doing weddings, funerals, and being with people, you get a front row seat to everything. You see the good, the bad and the ugly (and sometimes grotesque) of people in the church. A pastor’s wife sees all of this as well. What can make this painful is when you pour into someone, help someone through a difficult patch, spend hours with someone, only to have them stab you in the back, gossip about you, take all of your available time and then tell everyone you weren’t “there for them when they needed you.”

Pastor, are you pastoring your wife? Are you making time for her? Are you helping her deal with the pains you are experiencing? As a man, it is easy to compartmentalize what is happening and you can get lost in your work, but she doesn’t have that luxury, so you need to help her. I remember one time we went through a painful experience and I got over it rather quickly, but never told Katie that I had dealt with it personally, so she kept hurting for me. One night she let me know how bothered she was by this situation and I told her, “That is over.” Not a good thing.

She will be affected by things you won’t be affected by and you need to be sensitive to those things.

Her Gifts

Another area I see many pastor’s failing in is not helping their wife find her gifts and passions. In the past year, Katie has gotten more and more into photography, which has been awesome to see. For too many years, I failed her by not helping her find her gifts and passions outside of church, and was too focused on mine.

Many pastor’s wives are not able to use their gifts because they aren’t seen as worthwhile in the church. Many people think a pastor’s wife should lead the kids ministry, sing, play piano, lead the women’s ministry or teach somewhere. Maybe she is better at discipling, she may be gifted in hospitality or she may be a talented graphic artist. Whatever it is, she should be able to use her gifts.

She should also have the freedom to take breaks like everyone else as she goes through certain seasons of life. There have been times that Katie has been heavily involved in our church and other times where she did less things because of how young our kids are. I’ve always told people, my expectation for a pastor’s wife at Revolution is that she should be like everyone else who attends our church, plugged into community, and using her gifts. Sometimes she will do a lot and sometimes she will do a little, but we’ll have the same expectation for her as anyone else, she just happens to be married to a pastor.

Help Her Grow Spiritually

Another area pastor’s can help his wife is to grow spiritually. Spiritual growth can be hard for a pastor and his family because everything about their life seems spiritual. Often, Katie and I will talk about things she wants to grow in or learn and I will put books on her kindle for her to read. Men are called to pastor his wife and what better way than making sure she is reading good books instead of garbage (which there is no end to in popular books).

Bottom line for this first post, a pastor’s wife is part of the church. They attend it, use their gifts in it, are bought in, but they can easily become bitter or feel left out. They can feel like their husband has chosen work or other people over her and her kids. Don’t do that. Protect her and her heart. Make every effort to make sure she is growing, that she has hobbies and friends so that she is able to become all that God has called her to be.

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Unexpected Seasons of Growth

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As much as I hate to admit it, as a control freak, my life is largely out of my control.

Yes, I control my reaction to things, what I think about things and how I move forward. But, I can’t control what someone else does and I certainly have no say over what God allows to enter into my life.

My summer did not go as I planned.

For some people, this is a reason to celebrate because it would mean new adventures, unexpected opportunities. The optimists in the world would dance a little dance and be on the merry way to see what will happen.

That’s not me.

What I have learned over the summer as things at church haven’t gone how I expected them, is that unexpected season often lead to greater growth. 

The optimists might be right in that the unexpected really does lead to greater opportunities.

This summer I’ve learned that when something you weren’t planning to have happened, happens, it creates opportunities.

When our worship pastor, who helped me start Revolution (he came when our church was 4 months old), when he left in June it gave me an opportunity to do some things I hadn’t thought about doing when he was here. It helped me see areas of our church that weren’t healthy, ways I was leading that weren’t as helpful to our church as they could be.

It opened up new possibilities.

Could that have happened if he stayed?

Sure.

I’m not sure I would have gone looking for it, or it would’ve presented itself otherwise.

Experiences like this create in me a more opportunistic streak. I am starting to look for ways to grow now instead of waiting for discomfort to push me into it. I’m starting to ask more questions about how to improve personally or as a church instead of waiting for a crisis to push me.

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3 Things Habakkuk Teaches Us While we Wait on God

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At some point in your life, you will find yourself waiting on God.

It might be a prayer that is seemingly unanswered. A request for healing, physically or emotionally. It might be a request for guidance or direction for God, a look into an open door that never comes. It might be asking God to change someone or a situation, only to find that it stays the same for years.

The waiting is brutal at times.

Yet, most of our life is spent in the waiting.

Most of our life is spent asking God to deliver us, rescue us, change us.

The waiting can be wasted if we aren’t careful and we find ourselves back waiting again without learning the lessons or seeing the insights we were supposed to see.

Is there a point?

Yes.

Three things happen while we wait on God:

  1. We are reminded we are not God and that we are not in control. Instinctively we know this. Even the people who don’t believe in God know they aren’t God, yet we live with the illusion of control in so many areas of our lives. Thinking we can move people like chess pieces, simply toying with emotions, trying to change someone, manipulate a situation to our liking. When we do this, our heart hardens and we keep God at arms length. While we do this, God sees our pride and moves in the life of others. He will move in our life, but it will not be the way we would like. If you are like me, you don’t like to be reminded that you are not in control. Even if you know you aren’t, you will do everything in your power to keep the smallest shred of control to feel comfort. This again keeps God at arms length and our pride pushes him out.
  2. We are reminded of our need for God. In the waiting we are reminded of our great need for God. If you see your brokenness, you know that you need God. Yet, there are many times that we don’t like to be reminded of our need. This goes with the first one, but many times we like to act like we can save ourselves, save our kids or our spouse, that we can make things right in a relationship, make things right with God. This negates the cross and says, “Jesus I don’t need your sacrifice, I got this.”
  3. We are reminded of where hope is found. In the end, the waiting shows us where our hope is found. Often, the waiting is keeping us from where we want to be, where we believe God wants us to be, the place that will finally bring us everything we have hoped for. A child, a marriage, a job, a degree, a scholarship, a friend, a parent who says, ‘I love you’, the completion of an adoption, a larger church, a home business, getting out of debt. Notice, none of those things are wrong, yet we place so much value on them, that without them we think we aren’t worth anything, we aren’t good enough or important enough. The wait shows us that “thing” while precious, amazing and a longing of our heart is really not where our hope is found. It is good, yes. But not the best, not the greatest hope of Jesus.
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How a Wife Flourishes

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The idea of roles in marriage is filled with land mines. Many people have misused and misinterpreted the beautiful verses in the Bible to make them say what they want to. Few people have actually seen healthy couples live out roles well and often have incorrect views of Biblical roles. We have visions of quiet wives who say nothing, men who dominate and abuse their families all based on Ephesians 5, completely missing the point of this passage.

In thinking about how a husband helps his wife flourish and become all that God has called her to be, here are 5 ways men often fail and how to work against these problems to create the picture described in Ephesians 5:

  1. Spiritually apathetic. This husband completely abdicates his role as the spiritual leader of his family. He often will not go to church with his wife and kids and if he does, he is very passive. Not getting involved, not praying with his wife or kids, not praying at dinner, not guiding his kids spiritually, not asking questions, not reading the Scripture to them. He lets that up to the church or his wife.
  2. Workaholic. This husband sees being a husband simply as providing for the needs of his family. While that is part of being a husband, there is more to it than making money so there is a roof over their head, clothes on their back and food on the table. This type of man is disconnected from the family in some very important ways.
  3. Dictator. This husband uses his role as a way to control and get his way, all the time. It doesn’t matter how he gets his way and it doesn’t matter what happens because he has gotten his way. He just wants his way. Often, he will use Bible verses to get it. This husband will treat his wife and kids as slaves and orders them around. Often, this will lead to physical abuse, which is nowhere near what Paul had in mind in Ephesians 5 when he called men to be the head of their house.
  4. Emotionally detached. This is the husband who is the head of the family in name only. He has nothing to do with his wife, kids. He does not lead them in any form. He simply sits by, dictating when he doesn’t like something, letting his wife take on his role and responsibility and basically do everything he is supposed to do. Emotionally, he does not know how to relate to his and kids. He does not know how to connect to his family, he is distant.
  5. Irresponsible. This is the husband who buys things without consulting his wife, makes decisions on his own and generally puts his family in financial, relational, physical and emotional danger because “He is the head of the house.” This husband sees leadership as a club to get to do what he wants.
5 ways a husband keeps his wife from flourishing & enjoying life (what to do about it).

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If you are married and curious to know how your marriage is in this area, here is a simple question to ask: is the wife flourishing?

When a man fulfills the role God has called him to in marriage, his wife will flourish. She will have room to grow, there will be grace for her to deal with past hurts in her life, she will be able to use her gifts to bless her family and the world around her, she will have freedom to be who God has called her to be.

I often tell our church: Husbands should create an umbrella under which a woman is protected to become the woman God has called her to be. 

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How to Find the Right Leader (Before it’s Too Late)

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book All leaders know that nagging feeling. It keeps them up at night, gives them indigestion. It creates anxiety, stress and even anger. What is it from? Having the wrong person in a leadership role. Sometimes it might be a mismatch of skill, it may be that the person isn’t capable of leading a ministry or team at the size that it is (many planters run into this when they have someone who can lead a team when the church has 50 people but that person isn’t the right leader when the church is 250), or it might be a character issue that has caused your stress. But how do you know? How do you know past a feeling that someone shouldn’t be in the leadership role they’re in?

Jim Collins in Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap…And Others Don’t said,

Two key questions can help. First, if it were a hiring decision (rather than a “should this person get off the bus?” decision), would you hire the person again? Second, if the person came to tell you that he or she is leaving to pursue an exciting new opportunity, would you feel terribly disappointed or secretly relieved?

But how do you know ahead of time? All of us have led people who shouldn’t be leading, weren’t bought in or weren’t capable of leading in the role they are in.

In his helpful book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown said,

If the answer isn’t a definite yes then it should be a no.

While McKeown was applying that to opportunities, I think it is incredibly applicable to hiring someone, raising up a volunteer leader or putting someone into a new leadership role.

If you have a gut feeling they shouldn’t be there, wait. If a trusted leader tells you to wait, listen up.

If someone seems over anxious to lead something, wait. If someone seems to be hiding something or something doesn’t add up about them, wait.

There is no harm in waiting.

I know. I hear you church planter and pastor. You need someone. Who is doing it if you don’t put someone into place?

Possibly you. Possibly no one. You may need to wait on a ministry or miss a vision opportunity because you don’t have the people you need.

There have been times Revolution has missed opportunities or we’ve not grown or we haven’t done a ministry because we didn’t have a leader. This is hard and sometimes people leave because of it and you lose momentum or people.

Those are never easy, but they are all easier than having to remove the wrong person.

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Thoughts from a White Dad of a Black Son on Ferguson

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I’ve been watching the blogs and social media on Ferguson this past week. I have a lot of thoughts. The first is that it seems our country continues to get more and more divided. No matter what the situation, we jump to judgment on everyone.

This week though, I’ve watched the blogs and social media for a different reason though.

One of my sons is black.

I will raise two kinds of boys to become men. Three of them white and they will see the world, be treated by the world and interact with the world one way. Then, another son who will see it differently, interact with it differently and be treated by it differently. Three of them will walk around with little fear of violence or being arrested. They will walk around as young adults and not fear police officers. One of my sons will.

I wonder if my son will grow up and ever feel like the man in the picture.

That breaks my heart.

Before bringing him into our family, I could relate to Matt Chandler,

I don’t have to warn my son in the same ways that a black dad has to warn his son. I have never had to coach my son on how to keep his hands out of his pockets when going through a convenience store. Many of my black brothers are having these conversations with their boys now. Again, the list goes on.

But, now it’s different. The world I live in looks at my son differently than they look at me. The world I live will treat my son differently than it will treat me.

Also this week, I was challenged by Thabiti Anyabwile’s post about his family recently moving back to America and some of his fears for raising his black son here.

If I have a fear it would be one thing: bringing my son Titus to the United States. He’s so tender and innocent and the States can be very hard on Black boys.” That’s my one fear. This country destroying my boy. Ferguson is my fear. I could be the black dad approaching a white sheet stained with his son’s blood. I could be the husband holding his wife, rocking in anguish, terrorized by the ‘what happeneds’ and the ‘how could theys,’ unable to console his wife, his wife who works so hard to make her son a “momma’s boy” with too many hugs, bedtime stories, presents for nothing, and an overflowing delight in everything he does. How do you comfort a woman who feels like a part of her soul was ripped out her chest?

Sunday after church our daughter came home from a friend’s house and she had seen the protests and news reports happening and she asked about it. As a 9 year old, there are things she doesn’t understand and things she does. She knows she is a different color than our son.

What do I tell her? How do I help her process this and the world we live in? How do I help my church?

I’ve been challenged by other pastors who are speaking up on this. Sadly, most of them are black, which on the one hand I understand.

I can relate to the silence of white evangelicals. We are fearful of appearing racist or saying the wrong thing. We are (all of us) really good at jumping to conclusions on everything. Evangelicals are fearful of things that approach justice issues because the liberals give voice to injustice in our world, the social gospel, we are people of the word. We are grounded. White evangelicals are also usually Republicans (which I am), which means we are more supportive of the military and police forces. I lead a church where probably 50% of the adults are in or connected to the military or police force.

I get it.

There is a difference in viewpoints though, helpfully pointed out by Russell Moore: A Pew study showed that when asked the question “Do police treat blacks less fairly?” 37 percent of whites said yes while 70 percent of African-Americans said yes.

This is the world we are in. This is the world I will tell my black son we brought him to. I will one day explain to him why some men are called thugs, why some are not trusted simply for the color of their skin, why some people don’t trust police because of their history and personal experiences.

People often tell us how grateful he should be that we adopted him and how he can have a better life in America than in Ethiopia. Weeks like this one, I wonder.

I’m not being cynical about it and I realize that sounds like it. This is my blog so I get to process out loud.

A few months ago I took all our kids to eat at In n Out. As I got them all situated there were two older white women sitting next to us. They asked me if I ran a daddy day care and after we laughed I said that I didn’t, that all 5 kids were mine. The one woman looked right at Judah (our son from Ethiopia) and said, “All of them?”

Thankfully, he and my other kids didn’t hear it, but yes, all of them.

What I’m reminded of as I hold our son this week is the injustice and brokenness of our world and his life. I’m reminded of how I quickly jump to conclusions about everyone, the moment I see them.

I had a good friend in high school who was black. I grew up in Lancaster, PA, home of the Amish. It was your typical, white, suburban, conservative town. He told me how women would clutch their purses if he walked into an elevator. How men would follow him around in a store at the mall to make sure he didn’t take anything. As a 17 year old, I thought he was making it up.

But he wasn’t.

So, where does it come from?

Brokenness. Fear. Hate. Hurt.

Adoption only happens from brokenness, otherwise it wouldn’t be needed. Without tragedy somewhere in his life, he wouldn’t have needed us.

Racism comes from brokenness. Fear for a man, woman, police officer, or a bystander is from brokenness.

Typically my blogs end with an answer, a nice bow to start your day with. I don’t have one.

I’m sad for the whole situation. I’m sad for the family burying a child. I’m sad for the police officer who is being tried in the media. I’m sad for people who feel like they don’t get a fair hearing in our world.

Mostly, I’m fearful for my son.

I’m reminded again that our only hope is the gospel. Our only hope is that Jesus makes all things right and that the light of the gospel casts out all fear and all darkness.

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Finding God in the Storm

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As I’m preaching through Habakkuk I’ve been overwhelmed by how hard it is to trust God.

I know that might sound weird to hear from a pastor, but it can be hard.

When life is going well I often have the feeling I don’t have to trust God because I’m tempted to think I don’t need God. Then, when life is hard or painful, I wonder why God is has left me or if he is angry at me.

Habakkuk begins by asking, “God, how do you sit idly by and do nothing about this?” If you are so powerful God, why don’t you lift a finger? Why do you allow this?

At the heart of God’s answer is God’s character. The way we answer that in our minds reveals what we believe about God.

It is easy when the clouds of life roll into to wonder why God hasn’t given us an umbrella, but He has.

God could’ve chosen any prophet to give this message to. Any number of them were available to carry this message. But God chose a man named Habakkuk, whose name means “Embrace.” I think this is one of the most crucial pieces of the book of Habakkuk and shows us God’s heart. It shows us where God is when the storms of life roll in. He is with us, embracing us. He is not far off. He is not taking a day off or having forgotten us.

Over and over in Scripture, from Joseph, to the Exodus, to David in the Psalms, Jesus in the gospels (particularly in John 11), God’s anger at the pain, death and hurt in our world.

One of the things I’ve been challenged with personally and was a challenge I gave to my church is that in a storm, to stop asking why something is happening and to begin looking for Jesus in the storm. It changes my heart and my perspective because I am asking something different of God and when I ask something different of God, I’m able to see things more clearly.

In this, I’m able to see that God is not oblivious. God is broken with us. God is embracing us.

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How to Win Men

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Every study on church and our culture largely says the same thing: Women are more likely than men to attend church, give, be involved, serve, lead, etc. Essentially, women are more willing and more likely to do anything spiritual than men.

There are a whole hosts of reasons: women are more spiritual, most pastors are not manly, churches are designed for women (this is true of a ton of churches but they won’t admit it), sermons are geared towards women, churches don’t know how to communicate to men who don’t have kids, pastors who do talk to men simply yell at them and tell them to get a job (while this might be needed I don’t think every man who walks into our churches is a lazy slob who lives at home and plays video games).

I was recently asked to join a team that helps to put events on for men in Arizona. I started to ask around about the organization because truth be told, I thought it was interesting since Revolution doesn’t have a men’s or women’s ministry. Essentially, we see our church as those.

I asked someone who knew them well what he thought of this organization and he said, “Their meetings are a bunch of talk about ideas, what they’ll do but in the end, no action.”

I looked at him and said, “So, like a men’s ministry.”

Now, before you misread this, I have nothing against men’s ministries, except for the fact that they often don’t work. They may help men who want to go to large events, or men who like to camp or men who like to read. Let’s be honest, most men’s ministries center around these 3 things. Every man isn’t into those things.

The reason that most churches are failing to reach men where they are is action.

We don’t call men to enough.

In most churches, we challenge men to show up, give a tithe check, maybe serve, get their kids there and be a presentable husband. Really? First off, a men could walk over this bar.

When the bar is too low, men wonder if it is worth their time. 

Here are 5 ways to raise the bar for men in your church:

  1. Preach to men. Most churches, the win for men is to stop looking at porn. While porn is destructive and pervasive, every man is not looking at it every day. There are more things a man struggles with or has questions about. Men in a sermon tend to want logic, clarity and action steps. Women tend to want more stories, feelings and emotions. While a sermon should strive for both, most pastors end up on one end of the spectrum and their church reflects that. I often think about men I know when I preach on a passage and try to discern questions they would have about it. When men leave a church, they tend to talk about if they were challenged to think in a new way, while women tend to talk about how they felt after a service. Not all are like this, but I’ve found this to be typical.
  2. Have a clear win. If your church doesn’t have a clear win, a clear vision, men will not sign up for it. Men want to know what is on the line, what impact something will make, why they need to show up.
  3. Show them how actions affect their legacy. Men are concerned with legacy, how things will end up, how they will be remembered. When you minister to a man, keep this in mind. Date night with his wife is not just something for today, but has an enormous affect on the marriages of his kids. Purity in his life will be passed on to his kids and grandkids. Whenever possible, show a man who what he is doing right now, good or bad, will affect his legacy.
  4. Give them clear examples worth following. One of the reasons I didn’t want to become a pastor when I was 18 was I had never met a pastor I wanted to be like. Most men look at church leaders and see people they don’t want to be like. Or, they don’t see men they would want to become. This doesn’t mean every pastor needs to drink beer or have a tattoo, but when men follow another man, they are following someone they want to emulate. Put leaders in your church, in visible places who men would want to emulate.
  5. Expect men to succeed. It is amazing to me what happens in someone’s life when we expect them to succeed or reach a goal. People pick up on our expectations and they have a way of reaching our expectations. If you expect men to lead family devotions, tell them, tell them you believe they can do it and give them resources to do it. If you expect men to reach something, tell them and help them get there. Too many churches seem to say, “We’re content if men just show up.” Or, “You should do ___” and then never give them any tools to accomplish this.

The reality for reaching men is they have a habit of becoming what we expect them to be.

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When You Want Vindication

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At some point, all of us have been hurt to the point that we want to retaliate or at the very least, make the other person feel something close to what we feel.

I remember when I was 25 and I was leaving the staff of a church in Maryland. I was young, I was hurt. I felt betrayed and I wanted other people to know it. I wanted people around me to know why I was hurt, I wanted them to feel my pain with them, but I also wanted the who hurt me to get a little bit of what I was feeling.

Then a friend pulled me aside and said to me, “Josh, whenever you tell someone what happened and why you are leaving this staff team, when you go to give them details and talk about your feelings, you need to ask yourself a simple question: why do I want this person to know?”

Honestly, I was angry with him.

I didn’t want to ask that.

The reason I wanted someone to know my feelings was because I wanted them to validate my hurt, join my side, help me push the agenda of injustice I felt or maybe even leave the church I was leaving so the leadership could feel some pain.

I would’ve said that I wanted a friend to hear me out or wanted someone to challenge my sin in the situation, but none of that was actually true.

I wanted vindication and retaliation.

This question, has now caused me to stop when I get ready to share something that happened. It gives me pause to ask what I will gain from sharing something.

There’s something else about this question. Until the motives are pure for sharing something, I have sin in my heart. 

Meaning, until I stop trying to get people onto my side of an issue, I’m sinning by trying to win or control something or I care too much about what someone else thinks.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share things, but it means you need to ask why beforehand.

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