Tag Archives: loneliness

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When Life Gets Hard…

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Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

All of us have lived through a challenging season. You might be in one now, just coming out of one, or one will be coming next year. 

They can happen when we least expect it: a disruption in our career or finances, a child that is hard to parent, a spouse who suddenly becomes distant, a sickness we didn’t expect or plan for, or simply life not going as we planned.

Challenges.

They are relational, financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical.

They know no limits. Challenges have no heart, so they aren’t worried about you and your survival.

The question isn’t if we will walk through them but how to do so. Often, especially as followers of Jesus, we are surprised when difficulties come our way. But we shouldn’t be. Jesus and the disciples all experienced difficulties. Jesus told us we should expect them and prepare for them. 

Difficulties don’t mean you are doing something wrong or have sinned; it might just mean you are alive. 

Difficulties don’t mean you are doing something wrong or have sinned; it might just mean you are alive.

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But what do you do when it arrives? How do you handle the phone call you weren’t expecting or the betrayal you never thought could happen? 

If you find yourself in that place or want to prepare better, here are 3 questions to ask yourself: 

3 questions to ask during a challenging season.

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  1. What is God trying to teach me in this season? It is easy to get angry in a challenging season and blame the person you think caused it. You may be right, but doing that will not help you. Eventually, that will exhaust you, and you’ll still be in a challenging season. So take a day, be angry, and then wake up tomorrow and start looking forward. By asking this question, you begin to understand what God is trying to do, which is helpful because it takes our eyes off ourselves. God does not waste experiences and moments. He uses them for his glory and our good.
  2. What is God preparing me for by having me in this season? Because God doesn’t waste moments, what we walk through today is helpful for tomorrow. Begin looking forward, looking, and asking God for what He is doing.
  3. What is God’s invitation to me in this season? This question comes from Jim Cofield in The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection. This has been a powerful reminder to me in moments of pain and hurt. Often, in a place of challenge and difficulty, God is stripping away my arrogance and confidence in myself and teaching me to rely on Him. 

But how do we move forward in that season? It is one thing to spend some time digging into what God is doing, but how do we live in a challenging season that might last for years or our whole lives? How do we live with the losses that pile up in life? 

How to survive a challenging season.

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In his book Leadership Pain: The Classroom for Growth, Samuel Chand lists five things we know about God or learn through difficult seasons:

  1. God never abandons us, even when we can’t sense his presence.
  2. Our faith and character are developed most powerfully in times of adversity.
  3. God sometimes delivers us from pain, but he often delivers us through it.
  4. Life’s most defining moments are usually painful experiences.
  5. We do not grow in those moments by default.

5 promises of God to you in a challenging season.

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When You Are Lonely & Exhausted Around Christmas

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low-angle photo of 2-bulb lamp with snow falling during nighttime

It seems around Christmas, whatever feelings we have during the year intensify.

If we are feeling excited and happy, that seems to grow. If we are feeling lonely and sad, that also intensifies.

For many of us, though, it is the darker feelings that we tend to feel more deeply around the holidays. The feelings of being alone, or anxious, or depressed. Feelings of being left out or being let down because the holidays didn’t go as we planned.

In those moments, it can feel like we are the only ones who think that way, to feel forgotten by others (and by God). When that happens, we can miss what is happening and what God is trying to do in those moments.

One of the most fascinating stories in the Bible is the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 17 – 19. Elijah is a prophet in the Old Testament who takes on the prophets of Baal, who challenges the king and queen (the most influential people in his world) and wins. And yet, when Queen Jezebel threatens Elijah, he runs for his life into the wilderness, prays to God that he would die, and complains that he is all alone.

Elijah shows us, though, how God meets us in our loneliness, how God meets us in our depression and sadness.

In this passage, I think there are some questions we should ask ourselves about our loneliness and darker feelings around the holidays. Because our emotions are real, but our feelings also tell us things that we can easily miss.

Here are 5 questions to ask ourselves during the holidays as we process our feelings of loneliness and exhaustion:

5 questions to ask ourselves during the holidays as we process our feelings of loneliness and exhaustion.

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Is there any high that I just experienced that has led to my low? One of the things that happened in the life of Elijah is an incredible moment. While standing on Mt. Carmel, when he challenges the prophets of Baal and Asherah, he prays, and God answers by sending fire from heaven. We’re told that the whole nation repented and worshiped God.

Right after this is when Elijah experiences a very low moment, when he experiences the depth of his loneliness and depression.

We often overlook this in life. We are so busy and running on adrenaline throughout the holidays, and then we are hit with exhaustion and deeper feelings. Elijah’s life shows us that this can be normal and something we need to prepare for. Do you have space in your life to feel, to process your feelings from the holidays? To process being around family and all that that can mean?

Has God answered a prayer recently that I forgot about? As Elijah runs into the wilderness, he has forgotten all that God has done, how God answered his prayer and how God has moved.

Around the holidays, much of our focus is on what we don’t have, what didn’t go right, what we missed out on. And those things matter. But we also need to look at what we do have, how God has moved, how God has answered prayers, and what blessings we have.

How has God provided for me (food and nap)? When Elijah runs into the wilderness and tells God that he wants to die, God doesn’t respond to that. It is fascinating to me what God does. God provides Elijah with what he needs: food and a nap. 

Never underestimate the power of food and sleep, especially when we are feeling some deep things. The cold, winter darkness can become incredibly dark. And while the morning is not a cure-all, things do change after a good night’s sleep. This isn’t to lessen the feelings we have or even the importance of medication or a good Christian counselor, but a reminder of the difference between day and night.

Never underestimate the power of food and a nap.

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It is also a reminder to make sure you are eating well and sleeping well during the holidays. We will fill ourselves with more sugar and potentially alcohol, which can exacerbate our lack of sleep, which we are already getting less of because of the pace of the holidays. So, make sure you plan to get good sleep and have a plan for eating well. 

How is God being patient with me? God’s patience with Elijah is incredible. 

He listens to Elijah’s complaints, to his whining (and Elijah does start whining), and he provides Elijah with food and a nap, and he responds to Elijah. 

This is an incredible reminder of God’s grace and patience which we so easily forget. 

God will respond; God will listen and not scold. He doesn’t tell Elijah to man up or stop complaining; he doesn’t tell Elijah he is ridiculous. Instead, he listens and patiently responds. God has so much patience for us. Never forget that. 

God’s patience for us never runs out.

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God came to Elijah, how has God come to me? While God shows up to the nation of Israel with fire and famine, when God comes Elijah, he does so through food and a nap, and then a whisper. 

It is easy, especially around the holidays, to miss how God has come to us. We often look for significant, spectacular movements (which God does. But God often shows up in the everyday, simple things. God shows up in the beautiful sunsets and sunrises, the embrace and company of a friend, the simple gifts, the quiet snowfall, the crackling fire. 

Be sure to take time to look for God in simple, everyday places and situations. 

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Being a Pastor’s Wife

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Pastor's wife

Many churches (and pastors for that matter) do not know what to do with pastor’s wives, how to treat them, what role they play or how important they are. It is a hard role to live in and stay in. Everyone has a lot of their own expectations of what the wife of a pastor should be like, yet, they are all different.

While Revolution (and myself) has struggled just like every other church to figure this out, I believe Katie and I have figured some things out that we have put into place which will prove to be invaluable in the future. While this is not exclusive to pastors, any leader in a church and for that matter, any husband can do better in understanding their wives and how to engage them.

Below are 6 things Katie and I have learned that I hope will be beneficial for you:

  1. Pastor Your Wife as Much as You Pastor Your Church
  2. Without Her, You Fall Apart
  3. What Role a Pastors Wife Plays in the Church
  4. Spiritual Warfare in the Home
  5. “Just” a Wife & a Mom
  6. Handling the Loneliness
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Being a Pastor’s Wife: Handling the Loneliness

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Pastor's wife

Many churches (and pastors for that matter) do not know what to do with pastor’s wives, how to treat them, what role they play or how important they are. It is a hard role to live in and stay in. Everyone has a lot of their own expectations of what the wife of a pastor should be like, yet, they are all different.

While Revolution (and myself) has struggled just like every other church to figure this out, I believe Katie and I have figured some things out that we have put into place which will prove to be invaluable in the future. While this is not exclusive to pastors, any leader in a church and for that matter, any husband can do better in understanding their wives and how to engage them.

Over the next month, I’ll be sharing some of the things we’ve learned that I hope will be beneficial for you.

If you missed them, you can read Pastor Your Wife as Much as You Pastor Your Church, Without Her, You Fall Apart, What Role a Pastors Wife Plays in the Church, Spiritual Warfare in the Home and “Just” a Wife & a Mom.

Being a pastor or a pastor’s wife is a unique role.

Besides the expectation that people have as to what they should be like and do, there is the relational aspect that is difficult.

For a pastor and his wife, friends are hard to come by. For a few reasons: some people want to be friends with a pastor or his wife so they can be close to the power, they like the feeling that comes from being close to the center, they want the inside track or information. Many people expect a pastor and his wife to be at every birthday party, baby shower, wedding shower, or anniversary party (and bring a gift)!

I remember one person who got mad and left our church because I didn’t show up to help him move. Even though he had never asked, he was angry I just know he was moving and come help.

That is not a joke.

Every person has had someone stab them in the back, lie to them or break confidence and share something secret with a group of people. For a pastor and his wife, put on the expectation that people have that they will be perfect, not struggle in their marriage, not struggle in parenting, not have doubts and you see how this can be difficult. I’ve seen pastors get fired for ridiculous things they shared with an elder they thought was a friend. I knew one pastor who was fired because his wife talked to an elders wife about a struggle in their marriage, that quickly came before the elder board and he was let go. Mind you, this was not a disqualifying issue.

Many pastors and their wives decide, loneliness is better than the pain.

It isn’t. In the long run, it is harmful.

When we started Revolution, everyone we got close to seemed to end up leaving the church. Church planting can be incredibly lonely. We reached out to other pastors and pastors wives and got the cold shoulder. So we pushed through.

In our Acts 29 assessment, our assessment team told us, “You don’t have friends. You need to stop holding back and start trusting people again.” Mostly that was on me and my inability to deal with past hurts, but it was a wake up call.

This isn’t without risk. It takes wisdom and time.

You don’t just share your hurts with anyone. You must be careful and wise about who is your accountability partner.

I’m an introvert and so I don’t have a ton of friends and can be content with a few close friends. Katie is an extrovert and so I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone to make sure we have time with friends and are making that a priority. Men, make sure you are encouraging your wife to get time with other women. Get babysitting, give her space to have hobbies and fun. Encourage her in this way.