Lists and books abound as to what a husband is supposed to be and do.

One of my struggles with many of them is that they don’t fit my personality. They talk about feelings a little too much and often make me feel less manly than I’d like to be.

Now, feelings matter, and if you ignore them, you will often find yourself in some situations and hurt that you could’ve avoided.

As I was preaching through the Song of Songs, I came across an interesting passage in chapter 2 that lays out what a husband does. Now, what is most interesting about this passage, it says what the woman loves about the man, which gives some insight for men into what their wife wants, needs and thinks:

Like an apricot tree among the trees of the forest,
so is my love among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
He brought me to the banquet hall,
and he looked on me with love.
Sustain me with raisins;
refresh me with apricots,
for I am lovesick.
May his left hand be under my head,
and his right arm embrace me. -Song of Songs 2:3 – 6

Did you catch that? She said three things he does that she loves and needs:

1. He is strong like a tree. There is a strength that a man brings to marriage that a woman does not. It is inborn in men. Now, this can be destructive as well, but when it is healthy, this is what a wife and family need in a man. This might be physical, but also emotional.

Can you as a husband handle the ups and downs of life? Can you handle the ups and downs of your wife?

A tree also provides shade and protection in the desert.

If you’re dating, do you feel protected by the guy you’re dating? If not, leave. Husbands, your wife should feel safe and protected by you and your strength.

Strength is also closely related to stability and security. One of the biggest, if not the biggest, needs of a woman is security. Yes, you should dream big and shoot for the stars in your work life, but you also need to bring stability to your family and marriage. Too many men bounce from job to job, idea to idea, always looking for the perfect boss, best idea, get rich scheme.

There are a time and place for this, but there is also a time and a place for stability and strength.

2. He makes life and marriage a delight.

Here’s a simple but difficult question for your marriage: Does your wife delight to sit in your shade? In your presence? Marriage and any relationship are either bringing joy and life or bringing sadness to our lives. There is very rarely a third direction.

Too many couples do not bring delight to each other. They stop working at it. They bring delight to other people and relationships, but the closest relationship in their life withers.

In Song of Songs 1, the woman describes their relationship as a vineyard blooming in the middle of the desert. Now, what do you think it takes to grow flowers in a desert? A lot. Life does not just happen in a desert, death does.

The same goes in marriage.

Life does not just happen, death does. Which means life, joy, and delight will take great care and an enormous amount of work.

What often happens in marriage is that we see what we want and if it doesn’t happen that way, we blame our spouse. And yes, they have some blame to carry, but what part did you play to leave life and delight out of your marriage?

Are you doing everything you can to delight in your spouse?

3. He looks on her with love. 

Men are more visual than women. Women also know when they have a man’s attention and when they don’t.

While there are sexual tones to this phrase, it isn’t all sexual.

Looking on someone with love is having care for them, for their opinion, thinking of them above yourself and others.

Your spouse should come first in your life. Before your parents, boss, friends, and kids. We often put others before our spouse because “they’ll understand” and that person needs me and “my spouse will always be there.” If we aren’t careful though, we can communicate to our spouse that they aren’t as important to us as they are.