At some point, as a pastor, you will pastor difficult people.

You will pastor people who sin, betray you or others, gossip, break up marriages, and are mean to you, your spouse, and your kids (or others in the church). You will pastor people who won’t listen to God’s word or the Holy Spirit and do their own thing. You will pastor people who will act like spoiled children.

And as a pastor, you will have some of those people on your staff or elder teams.

When that happens, what do you do? You can’t abandon them or your call as a pastor, but you do have to enter into the fray.

Here are some lessons I’ve learned over the years:

1. Confront your own difficulty and sin. Over the years, it is easy to take it personally when someone is difficult and says something mean or harsh. But part of the reason it stings is that it is personal, even if it isn’t about you. The personal feeling might be being let down or deflated that someone did or said that.

But something else happens in that moment and situation, you are reminded of your brokenness, and you are often tempted to let pride rise up and think, “I would never do that.” But deep down, you know that you could and more than likely have done that.

Often, when someone does something in our church or relationships, it triggers something in our stories that we haven’t dealt with or is still raw. Often, our reaction to the person in our church can be a reaction to a person or situation in the past.

2. Know you are called to pastor them. As much as you would like a perfect church filled with people who don’t sin or create a mess, this is why you are a pastor. To help people and walk alongside them.

Too often, pastors miss the church God has given them because they seek the church they long for.

They are often not the same. 

As a pastor, it is disheartening when people in your church sin, gossip, and are mean-spirited. It makes you want to pull your hair out. As a pastor, I’ve often shaken my head at what people have done and thought, “What in the world?” People will let you down, adults will act like spoiled children, and people who started with you won’t finish with you (even though they will tell you they will). And when that happens, you must remember this is why you are a pastor, to help those who are lost and those who have lost their way.

3. Ask God to help you see them as He sees them. One of my constant prayers is: “God, give me your love for my people, help me to see my people the way you see them.”

It isn’t easy because I want to see them as they are and protect myself and those I care about from what they might do. And yes, you need wisdom as a pastor, and they may be some people you don’t spend a lot of time with to protect yourself. But that isn’t true for most of the people in your church. 

4. Know that when they lash out, it isn’t about you (even though it feels that way). When I was in seminary, I took one counseling class. I don’t remember much about the class, but I have never forgotten what the professor said one night. He told us, “When someone in your church lashes out at you personally, at the church, it most often is not about you. Usually, a relationship (spouse, boss, parent, friend, child) is broken in their life, and they feel powerless to do anything, so they lash out on the next closest authority figure in their life, the pastor or the church.” That has been proven to be true time and again.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat with someone who is frustrated about something, thinking about leaving our church, and most of the conversation when I meet with that person is about someone else in their life, not connected to the church. 

This is helpful to give us perspective on walking with someone. To hear their pain and to differentiate ourselves so we can bear their pain with them as a pastor.