You will have a season of tension or crisis at some point in your leadership or church life.

This might happen because of something you do, a decision, or a change you lead. It might happen because of what is happening outside the church in the culture, politics, or within the local school system. The tension may come from a staff transition or sin within the leadership that affects everyone. The tension may come from disagreements between the staff and leadership over a decision. Everyone is taking sides, sending texts and emails and posting on social media about which side they are taking up.

You walk through the corridors of your church, and you can feel it. Everyone can.

You stand on stage and feel the daggers coming at you, and you struggle to preach to your people and to lead them lovingly.

What do you do in those seasons? How do you lead, keep your integrity, and hold the unity of your church?

Protect your heart (and that of your spouse and kids). As losses pile up in leadership, it is hard to protect your heart. It is easy to see people as the enemy instead of the devil. But the people around you, especially those upset with you or “taking the other side,” are not the enemy. They might make you into the enemy, but don’t let that creep into your heart.

This becomes even harder to do with your spouse and kids. They will feel for you and want to protect you; people might be talking to them to get to you, or they may hear what is being said about you. This places them in particularly difficult crosshairs.

You must know how you talk about the tension and the people involved. It will be easy to unload on your spouse and kids to share things you shouldn’t share with them, especially if you feel alone. Be aware of what you share. Yes, you need someone to share this with, walk with you, and point out your sins and blindspots, but you also need to be aware of how you speak of others.

Years ago, in a counseling class I took in seminary, the professor made this comment that has always stuck with me: When a relationship is out of control in someone’s life (boss, spouse, child, parent, etc.), or something else is out of their control that is a big part of their life (job, finances, health), they will take their anger, stress and anxiety out on the next closest authority figure and that tends to be the church and the pastor. 

What is difficult to remember is that the anger and tension directed at you as the leader often has very little to do with you as the leader.

Whenever someone leaves a ministry I’m a part of, I try to meet with them to hear about their experience, what I can learn, etc. At that meeting, more than half tended to be about something else in their life that had nothing to do with me or the church. That doesn’t mean they aren’t upset, but this comment has proven to be true in my life for over 15 years.

Prepare yourself and those around you for losses. While I would love everyone to love every change I ever made as a pastor, that just isn’t possible. Change is different. Change means loss. Change means that what you used to be no longer exists.

When changes are made, when decisions are made, losses happen. When you cut a program or ministry and let a staff member go (for whatever reason), people will be upset and leave. People will direct their anger at you. That is part of being a leader, so you must be prepared. 

What is hard about leading is the relational loss that happens. The people you thought would be excited for the change were those who used to be there but weren’t. The people who got tired from transition fatigue (which is real) went to another church. These losses will stack up for you and those around you. Your staff and elders will feel it. I remember an elder saying to me once, “I’m just not sure I can do another transition.” Not because he didn’t believe in the change or what we were doing, but simply on a human level. 

Your spouse and kids will feel these losses in acute ways. They will wonder why that person is no longer there, why their friends don’t attend church anymore, or why they won’t talk to them because of a change you, their parents, made. And that will be hard for your child to understand and for you to navigate. So prepare yourself.

Keep your integrity. You will be tempted to treat people the way they are treating you. Remember, they are acting out of hurt and anger. It is okay to be angry, but don’t sin.

Keep your integrity. Don’t fall into sin. 

This means you must figure out how to handle your hurt and emotions. You will need someone to talk with who can listen, be supportive, point out blind spots, etc. 

Just because someone lies to or about you doesn’t mean you should return the favor, just because you are treated horribly by people doesn’t give you a reason to do that. 

Yes, people will lie to you and about you. People will act immaturely. The people who will treat you the worst will surprise you. So be prepared for that.

Walk through the lobby with your head held high. As a leader, making decisions people don’t like creates tension in your church; people are watching how you will respond and what you will do and say. You will feel their stares and see people whispering to each other in the corner while stealing glances at you.

You will want to walk over and talk to them; you will feel embarrassment, hurt, and frustration as you walk through your church. This is all natural. But walk through your church and hold your head high. They are not your enemies but the people you are called to lead and shepherd. You must stay true to what God has called you to, even if everyone doesn’t understand or go with you.

Say what needs to be said publicly and nothing more. You will be tempted to preach a sermon series on what is happening, to pulpit shame people, but don’t. This is hard, especially if you are justice-minded and like to win. For one, the sermon isn’t for that; the sermon is for good news and hope. Two, the people you want to preach at or to aren’t listening, damaging your church and your integrity.

You don’t need to speak to everything publicly; you don’t need to refute every rumor or lie. You need to speak to some things, but for most things, you need to let go. It will fizzle out.  Eventually, the people who are upset will leave, and you will be able to move forward to what is next. 

Seasons of difficulty and tension are unavoidable in leadership. They will happen. There can be times when you grow as a leader and take your church to new places. But, they can also be seasons that take many leaders off course or out of the leadership game if you aren’t careful. 

Navigate them wisely so that you can lead not only in the season of tension but in the one that comes after (which will hopefully be a season of health and unity).