Throughout this series, I’ve discussed the differences between men and women and husbands and wives. Each has different roles in a marriage, some of which depend on personalities, the life stage of the family, and talents. 

In Song of Songs 2 and throughout the New Testament, the husband is tasked with pursuing his wife. In the same way that Christ loves and pursues the church (Ephesians 5). This doesn’t mean a wife doesn’t pursue her husband; she should. But the path to a woman’s heart is through pursuit. 

When men hear the idea of pursuit, they often think of date nights, gifts, and sex. And while that may be a part of it, that is a small fraction of what I’m talking about and what she longs for. 

Before discussing what this might look like, let me provide you with a grid to help you think through it. 

Here’s a simple question I’ve used to evaluate my heart and how I’m doing as a husband toward Katie: Is your wife more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you? Ephesians 5 is all about coming alive to your identity in Jesus. Your wife is a gift from God that you will present to God and give an account for. So, is she more alive in her identity in Jesus because she’s married to you?

Many men struggle because they try to do things they think their wife wants or need in their marriage. If they asked and were a student of their spouse, they might learn what she wants. You know this feeling if you have ever felt mystified in your marriage or felt like two ships passing in the night. 

Below are some questions to which every husband should know the answer at any point about his wife (note: your wife is not a static object, so the answer may change yearly, monthly, and maybe daily!).

Ask if you don’t know the answer; she would love to tell you.

While these questions are directed at a husband toward his wife, here are some questions a couple should ask each other regularly (perfect for your next date night).

Know Your Wife

A husband should know his wife better than anyone else. He should know her likes and dislikes, what excites and disappoints her, her story, hopes, and dreams. He should also know what she likes regarding romance, affection, and the bedroom and strive to serve her in those areas, not for what he can get but because of what God calls him to.

Here are some questions to help with this:

1. What foods does she like, what are her hobbies, and how does she relieve stress?
2. What hopes and dreams does she have? How can you help her accomplish them?
3. How is your wife doing right now?
4. What is romantic to your wife?
5. What gets your wife in the mood? What turns her off sexually?
6. What does your wife like in the bedroom? What does she dislike?

Understand Your Wife

1 Peter 3:7 calls for a husband to live with their wife in an understanding way, but to do that, you have to understand your wife. This goes closely with knowing your wife, but as her life changes, the kids age and move out, this will change regularly. A husband’s job is to stay on top of these things and know what is happening in his wife’s heart, mind, and soul.

Here are some questions to help with this:

1. Is your wife flourishing right now?
2. When is she most productive?
3. How much sleep does she need?
4. What does she need right now in the stage of life you are in to alleviate stress?
5. How is she doing on cultivating friendships with other women?
6. What areas is she hoping to grow spiritually (i.e., parenting, theology, spiritual practices)? How can you help her? What books can you buy her to read (hint: women read more than men)? 

Honor Your Wife

Many men speak to their wives and treat her like one of the guys. She is not; she is more special than any car, boat, possession, child, or career. She is your most precious relationship, a gift from God. Treat her as such. Honor is a basic tenet of manhood. Let me say another way: if you don’t honor your wife, you are a child, not a man.

Here are some questions to help with this:

1. Are you respectful to your wife in private and public when you talk to her and about her?
2. Do you allow your kids to speak disrespectfully to your wife?
3. Does the way you talk about your wife demand that others look at her in a positive light?
4. Do you talk about her and look at her so others will look up to her?
5. If I spent 10 minutes listening to you talk about your wife, would I know she is your most important human relationship?
6. Do you pursue her daily, weekly, and yearly? Do you plan weekly date nights that show your love and attention to her?