Now, before you email me, yes, God hears and answers all our prayers. That isn’t what this post is about. Although sometimes, if we’re honest, God doesn’t answer our prayers on our timeline or in the way we want.

There is a prayer that he always answers yes to.

What is it?

It might surprise you.

It is the prayer for wisdom.

In James 1:5, we’re told that if we lack wisdom, we are to ask for it and God will give it. That he gives it generously and ungrudgingly to all.

Have you ever had a decision where you weren’t sure what to do?

Is now the time to get married? Do you marry this person? Are they the one?

Is now the time to have kids? How do you know if you are ready?

What college do you choose? What major? What happens if you get into and find out that you hate that major?

What jobs? How do you know which one is the best? 

We face decisions all the time. 

Amazingly, scientists believe that we make 35,000 decisions a day!

Some decisions you are aware of. You make a list, pro’s, con’s, trying to figure it out, talk to friends. 

Some decisions, we are entirely unaware that they are happening. 

But how do you decide?

Have you ever noticed that some people always know what to do? They have a calm about themselves. 

They not only know what to do and when to do it but once they make that decision, they stop worrying about it. They stop stressing over whether or not that was the right one.

What do they know that you and I don’t? Wisdom.

Wisdom is not based on feelings, but on knowing and trusting the power of God’s promises.

For many of us, wisdom comes through life experiences, but there is a secret sauce to decision making and wisdom, and that is asking God.

Often in a crisis though, we ask God to take something away, to do this or that, we ask for an answer, but we rarely ask for wisdom. Do you know why? My hunch is asking for wisdom puts some responsibility on us. Asking God to take it away or do something puts the responsibility all on him.

So that if I don’t get the answer I want or it doesn’t go the way I thought, I can throw up my hands and blame God. Many times, the answer to our prayers will be connected to an action we take.

Prayer is all about trust. It’s why we struggle with it. Why we don’t pray as much as we should or as bold as we should.

But what if James is right? I believe he is. God loves to give us wisdom for what is next.

Another thing we do is we ask God to show us the whole puzzle of our lives and the situation we are facing. We want to know all the steps along the way, but wisdom is simply for the next thing. I had a mentor tell me that if God showed us all the steps it would take to get somewhere, most of us wouldn’t get out of bed. And that’s true. Some of the hardest parts of my life have been some of the most beneficial, but if I knew ahead of time what I was walking into, I’m not sure I would’ve signed up.

And this is what happens for many of us in decisions: we get paralyzed by them. And then we stand still and watch the parade of life go by, and we wonder, why that person over there sees God move like they do, that their life is the adventure that it is.

So, think of the one area of your life that you need an answer. A way forward.

What if instead of asking for an answer or for God to clear the way (you can still ask those things), you ask for wisdom.

Sunday, I preached on how to hack pain and difficulty in life as part of our Life Hacks series. One of the things I wasn’t able to get to is how to walk with someone through pain, how do you let others walk with you.

This is often hard to do, from both perspectives.

When you are the one walking through the difficulty, we tend to keep it to ourselves. We don’t want to be a bother to other people; we think we should be able to handle it on our own or we struggle to wonder if people care about us.

When you are a friend watching someone walk through difficulty, it is hard to know where to start. How do you step in and help? What do they need? Especially if it is around sickness or death, it can sometimes be hard to know what to say or how to say it. Often then, we choose not to do anything, even though we’d like to.

Over the summer, I read a great book by Kate Bowler called Everything Happens for a Reason (and other lies I’ve loved). Kate was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, and at the end, she shares how to walk with people, because it is difficult, we want to do it well, but we often find ourselves fumbling it.

According to Bowler, here are some things to not say:

• ‘Well, at least . . .’ Whoa. Hold up there. Were you about to make a comparison? At least it’s not . . . what? Stage V cancer? Don’t minimize.
• ‘In my long life, I’ve learned that . . .’ Geez. Do you want a medal? I get it! You lived forever. Well, some people are worried that they won’t, or that things are so hard they won’t want to. So ease up on the life lessons. Life is a privilege, not a reward.
• ‘It’s going to get better. I promise.’ Well, fairy godmother, that’s going to be a tough row to hoe when things go badly.
• ‘God needed an angel.’ This one takes the cake because (a) it makes God look sadistic and needy and (b) angels are, according to Christian tradition, created from scratch. Not dead people looking for a cameo in Ghost. You see how confusing it is when we just pretend that the deceased return to help you find your car keys or make pottery?
• ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ The only thing worse than saying this is pretending that you know the reason. I’ve had hundreds of people tell me the reason for my cancer. Because of my sin. Because of my unfaithfulness. Because God is fair. Because God is unfair. Because of my aversion to Brussels sprouts. I mean, no one is short of reasons. So if people tell you this, make sure you are there when they go through the cruelest moments of their lives, and start offering your own. When someone is drowning, the only thing worse than failing to throw them a life preserver is handing them a reason.
• ‘I’ve done some research and…’ I thought I should listen to my oncologist and my nutritionist and my team of specialists, but it turns out that I should be listening to you. Yes, please, tell me more about the medical secrets that only one flaxseed provider in Orlando knows. Wait, let me get a pen.
• ‘When my aunt had cancer…’ My darling dear, I know you are trying to relate to me. Now you see me and you are reminded that terrible things have happened in the world. But guess what? That is where I live, in the valley of the shadow of death. But now I’m on vacation because I’m not in the hospital or dealing with my mess. Do I have to take my sunglasses off and join you in the saddest journey down memory lane, or do you mind if I finish my mojito?
• ‘So how are the treatments going? How are you really?’ This is the toughest one of all. I can hear you trying to understand my world and be on my side. But picture the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Got it?

Here are some things to say:

• “I’d love to bring you a meal this week. Can I email you about it?” Oh, thank goodness. I am starving, but mostly I can never figure out something to tell people that I need, even if I need it. But really, bring me anything. Chocolate. A potted plant. A set of weird erasers. I remember the first gift I got that wasn’t about cancer, and I was so happy I cried. Send me funny emails filled with YouTube clips to watch during chemotherapy. Do something that suits your talents. But most important, bring me presents! 
• “You are a beautiful person.” Unless you are used to speaking in a creepy windowless-van kind of voice, comments like these go a long way. Tell your friend something about his or her life that you admire without making it feel like a eulogy.
• “I am so grateful to hear about how you’re doing. Just know that I’m on your team.” You mean I don’t have to give you an update? You asked someone else for all the gory details? Whew. Great! Now, I get to feel like you are both informed and concerned. So, don’t gild the lily. What you have said is amazing, so don’t screw it up now by being a nosy Nellie. Ask a question about any other aspect of my life. 
• “Can I give you a hug?” Some of my best moments with people have come with a hug or a hand on the arm. People who are suffering often—not always—feel isolated and want to be touched. Hospitals and big institutions, in general, tend to treat people like cyborgs or throwaways. So, ask whether your friend feels up for a hug and give her some sugar. 
• “Oh, my friend, that sounds so hard.” Perhaps the weirdest thing about having something awful happen is the fact that no one wants to hear about it. People tend to want to hear the summary, but they don’t usually want to hear it from you. And that it was awful. So, simmer down and let your friend talk for a bit. Be willing to stare down the ugliness and sadness. Life is absurdly hard, and pretending it isn’t is exhausting.
• *****Silence***** The truth is that no one knows what to say. It’s awkward. Pain is awkward. Tragedy is awkward. People’s weird, suffering bodies are awkward. But take the advice of one man who wrote to me with his policy: Show up and shut up.