Posted on Thursday, March 17, 2022

The Key to Relationships that Last

by Josh Reich

man and woman holding hands

Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen, although we think they do. We believe two people magically work together, never fight, never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right, all of a sudden seem all wrong?

On Sunday, as we wrapped up our series The Better Half, we looked at the one thing we need to make a relationship last.

Yes, lots of things go into a relationship, but a few things move the needle more in a relationship than other things.

Before getting to know about those, how do relationships break down? Here are a few things I’ve noticed:

5 reasons marriages stop working.

It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, and putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work. We often throw in the towel on a relationship because of the work it will take.

It hurts too much to face our past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad, your mom; they said words similar to an abuser or someone you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and see it redeemed in the power of Jesus. Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work and can be incredibly painful. In any argument, you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we fighting about this? What are we really fighting about? Who am I really fighting with?”

They’re lazy and selfish; they want the other person to do all the work and change. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy. Serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first take work. Often, too, we want the other person to put in the work to become a healthy person while we stay unhealthy. “I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with my hurt.” The reality is you can only change one person in a relationship, which is the one you see in the mirror.

They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes people are in an unhealthy relationship because they believe they are less sinful than others. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this, but they hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn up their noses at the thought of putting in the hard work to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault, but deep down, they are the least sinful person they know.

Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone. You might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation does mean that you don’t hold it against the person anymore, that you don’t bring up the past. You stop saying, “Remember…?”

5 things that hurt a marriage.

So what do healthy couples and healthy people in relationships do differently?

They do many things, but here are a few:

They grow close to Jesus. This may seem obvious, but if you stray from Jesus, stop reading your Bible, feel your relationship with Jesus suffer, lots of things go wrong. Your desire to fight sin goes down. Your desire to love and serve the other person goes down. Your desire to stay pure goes down, all because of one thing. Couples who make it to the end keep God at the center of their marriage. They grow together spiritually; they take control of their spiritual lives and don’t leave it to chance. They read solid books together; they pray together; they have a plan for how they will disciple their kids (they don’t leave that to chance either.) They attend church together, are in a Christian community, and serve to use their gifts and talents. God is not some figure that appears periodically in their marriage but is who the marriage and family revolve around. For me, I think men should be asking how they can help their wives grow and become all God has called them to be. This is the outworking of growing closer to Jesus.

They protect their marriage. This is something couples kind of stumble through. They take their vows, wear rings, but too many don’t protect themselves when it comes to their minds, hearts, and eyes. Yes, they make sure not to sleep with someone they aren’t married to, but everything else is fair game. A couple who lasts does not do that. They protect their eyes; they aren’t looking at porn; they aren’t fantasizing about that girl at work or the guy in the movie. They aren’t dreaming about their romance novel; they aren’t acting it out (even with their spouse) in their mind. They act with their spouse in mind (and only their spouse.) They make sure nothing will tear them and their spouse apart. They protect themselves while dating and preparing their hearts for their future.

This isn’t just about vows and promises, but about the priority you place on your relationship compared to other relationships. Your kids matter, and you love them, but your kids come after your marriage. One of the fastest ways to go from a great wedding to being roommates is by placing your kids above your spouse. Your kids will be gone one day, and you will have only your spouse. At this point, most couples split because they no longer need to stay together for the kids, and they have nothing in common. Don’t let that happen. This doesn’t mean you neglect your kids and do not do anything with them, but it means they come after your marriage. If you’re unsure where you stand on this, here are ten ways to know you are putting your kids in front of your marriage.

They pursue each other. Pursuit is what got you married (because you started pursuing when you dated.) Pursuit keeps a marriage healthy, and pursuit is the first thing to go out the window of most marriages. The couples who last don’t leave this to chance. They make time for their spouse; they have a yearly getaway with their spouse, weekly date nights, and they do fun things with their spouse. I’ve never had a couple who did this tell me they regretted it. I’ve had lots of couples tell me how they long for this. Here are some ideas for doing date night at home, some rules for date night, and some help for when date night falls apart.

Know that affection is the first thing to go and fight against that. Affection is what goes first—kissing when you say goodbye, holding hands, snuggling. Life is busy; you know your spouse, you have them now, your kids are climbing all over you, you are running late, tired, and want to sleep, you are worried if you snuggle, he will want sex, and you want to go to sleep. All of these things happen to couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other at one time. Fight this. When you kiss, kiss for 5-10 seconds, throw some tongue in when you are just saying hello or goodbye. Gross your kids out. Hold hands in the car—kiss at a red light. Snuggle at night.

Don’t miss this: the amount of affection you have is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is. Show me a couple with little affection, and I will show you a couple going in opposite directions.

3 Things that Make a Great Marriage.

Healthy and growing relationships take intentionality, and they make specific choices. Otherwise, you drift into unhealthiness.

Posted on Monday, March 14, 2022

Why Job Hunting is so Exhausting

by Josh Reich

MacBook Pro, white ceramic mug,and black smartphone on table

Recently, I’ve heard from several pastors and friends who are looking for new jobs and experiencing what many have called “the great resignation.” And after experiencing my job transition, it’s caused me to reflect on it as I’ve walked with them.

If you are in the place of looking for a new job, especially a ministry one, know that you aren’t alone. And know that it is challenging and exciting all at the same time.

As I listen to friends walking through it and reflect on my process, here are some things I learned:

Why looking for a job is so exhausting.

You’re still doing your job & the balance is a lot. Chances are, while you are praying, discerning, and looking; you still have a job.

The balance becomes incredibly taxing physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally, as you’ll see in the other reasons. You are waking up each day, trying to be faithful to what is in front of you while at the same time trying to discern what God is doing in your heart. And the balance becomes exhausting.

There were days when I would work all day (often all on zoom) and then hop on one or two zoom interviews at night. And it begins to push the boundaries of what is sustainable.

The longer it goes on, the harder it is to stay focused on your job and stay present with what is in front of you.

It’s lonely because you can’t talk about it with close friends or co-workers. This is especially true in ministry situations. In most companies, it seems more normal to interview for jobs, but because of how relational pastoral ministry is, it makes talking about your desire to move harder.

Now, I know some pastors share with friends or staff to pray with them as they discern a move, but I think you need to be careful with that and when you do that. When you tell people and who you tell can be dicey. What if it doesn’t work out? Just because you feel like your time is ending doesn’t mean it is. I can tell you story after story of ministry jobs that have fallen through. I had one 18 years ago when I moved our stuff to Colorado, and it fell through. I would be cautious when you tell people you are thinking about leaving because it is hard for them to process that if you stay. This includes when you bring your kids into the mix.

How to look for a job and keep your job.

You don’t know where you’ll be, so the uncertainty is hard. This is one of the things that begins to weigh on your spouse and your kids if they know you are looking for a new job.

It is hard to make plans for your future when you aren’t sure if you will be in the same house or state next year. This creates a lot of anxiety, and there is a limit to how long you can live in this limbo.

You put yourself out there and tell your story, but the interview teams don’t reciprocate. Looking back, this is what made me exhausted emotionally.

The team would ask about my marriage, kids, leadership journey, hurts, and joys in life and ministry in each interview. This is a way of getting to know a candidate and connecting, but the interview team notes and moves on to the following questions. Which they should. But it is hard as a candidate when you are telling the same stories, putting yourself out there on multiple occasions. Most nights in the interview process, I would be exhausted, and this was why.

As a candidate, you need to be aware of all energy levels. But as the job hunt wears on, your physical and emotional energy will often wane because of how much output you have in the interview process. Be aware of what this might mean for your other relationships because you can inadvertently pull away from friends and family because of how tiring it is.

On a practical level, you have to pack and find a new place to live and new schools to go to. And that’s only the beginning. There are projects needed to be done to sell your house and then tasks at the new home. This is exciting but also adds to the stress. You are figuring out a new place and what that might mean, helping your kids say goodbye to friends as you say goodbye to friends.

Why a job hunt is so exhausting for your spouse and kids.

It’s hard on your spouse. Tyler Staton made a great observation in a podcast that while he had a new exciting role he was moving into, his wife would continue to live her life and experiences but do it in a new place without her community.

You have to figure out Covid in the new place, and you didn’t rally with the team and suffer with them, and they’re exhausted. I picked up on this as I talked with churches around the country. While we all experienced covid and online church, we all experienced it differently depending on our location. This might be less of an issue now, but the effects of the pandemic still linger in life and churches depending on the area and how things were handled.

7 reasons looking for a job is so hard and tiring.

There are more things, but this list, looking back, is what made our job hunt so exhausting.

If you are in that season right now, know you are not alone and that it will one day end.

Posted on Thursday, March 10, 2022

Finding God in the Valleys of Life (Psalm 23)

by Josh Reich

green and brown mountains under white sky during daytime

When you think of God, what is the first thing that comes to mind?

For many of us, God is someone that is off in the distance. Watching life unfold, He may be involved here and there, but we often have this picture of an absent parent. Either physically or emotionally absent. We wonder if He is involved in our lives, how involved is He?

Another way to think about this, how do you experience God?

Some experience God as accepting of every decision we make, merely cheering us on in life, or maybe we experience Him as judgmental and filled with wrath. Ready to strike us dead if we drop the ball one more time.

According to A.W. Tozer, “What comes into your mind when you think about God is the most important thing about you.”

What comes into your mind when you think about God is the most important thing about you. -A.W. Tozer

Why would that be so important?

The reality is, what we think about God determines how we pray to God, how we live our lives, and, more importantly, it determines what our relationship with God is like.

For example, if you believe that God gives good gifts and is generous, or if you think God is holding out on you, that determines what you pray for.

If we’re honest, whether you have a church background or not, most of us see God as distant.

Especially in this current moment.

As I’ve watched the news this week, scrolling through social media, I am dumbfounded by it all. I am left wondering, where is God in all this? What is God doing right now?

Why is this happening?

And yet, words that many of us know by heart still ring true from Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He renews my life; He leads me along the right paths for His name’s sake. Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff – they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord as long as I live.

In this culture, 2500 years ago, a shepherd was so much more than that. A shepherd could also be a king. David was a shepherd, and a king. He is telling us who God is and what God is like, that you and I are under the rule of God as king, but also in the care of God as a shepherd.

you and I are under the rule of God as king, but also in the care of God as a shepherd.

A king and shepherd take care of their people, their flock. A shepherd would sleep at the opening of the gate when the sheep slept to keep them safe. They made sure the sheep were at peace, at rest, and had whatever they needed. David is telling us this is what God is like. This is who He is.

Because God is close, we are never alone.

Because God is close, we are never alone.

What do we have because God is close?

Everything we need. We lack nothing. Because God is my shepherd king, because God is close, I have everything I need. One of our struggles, at least mine, and maybe you can relate, I may have everything I need, but what about what I want? Because God is close, he knows what we need. And because He is a good king, a good shepherd, if he withholds from us, it’s because he knows what is best for us.

What does God do?

He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.

God leads me. God leads us. God is in front, guiding our steps, protecting us, seeing what is ahead, what dangers and good things lie ahead. And he leads me to rest, to refreshment.

I don’t know about you, but right now, this image in verse 2 is something my soul longs for. Green pastures, quiet waters, refreshing.

These last few months have been hard on all of us, and in the presence of God, we are made new, we are recharged.

Green pastures and water are what sheep need to live, to keep going.

Do you know one of our most significant needs and also our biggest struggle? Rest. Stopping. Slowing down. This is why you get sick the first few days of vacation because you sprint into it.

David says, because God is close, we can rest.

Because God is close, we can rest.

Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap. To stop.

Because God is our good king and shepherd, we can stop pushing, stop pushing our kids, stop pushing our agendas, stop comparing ourselves to others. To just rest.

But he leads us to plenty of food, green pastures.

The funny thing is how much we are like sheep.

Sheep do not naturally lie down and rest. They are easily scared animals, easily stressed out, they run, freak out, worry, are anxious, and they are crowd followers. If one sheep goes into the water or walks off the cliff, so do the rest of the sheep.

Now, think about the last few years and this last month. Between covid, masks, vaccines, the election, Ukraine: have you been scared? Stressed out? Have you run from anything or anyone? Freaked out? Worried? Anxious?

I have!

I need Psalm 23; I need this hope that I have a good king and shepherd who leads me and protects me and knows what I need and guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.

What does God do when life is the darkest? What is God doing right now in the midst of war and hatred? What is God doing as I lay in bed scared for what tomorrow will bring?

Look at verse 4: Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

There is a phrase that is easy to overlook. That we walk through the darkest valley. There is an end to the valley. There is an end to the darkness.

And we can have that confidence because God is close, we are never alone.

Because God is close, we are never alone.

Posted on Monday, March 7, 2022

Where is God in the Storms of Life?

by Josh Reich

huge wave at daytime

Storms happen to all of us.

Storms surprise us; storms sideswipe us in life.

Many times we fall onto our couch and think, “I did not see that coming.”

How do you respond when you think, “I did not see that coming”?

The funny thing about storms is that you can see them coming into someone else’s life better than you see them in your life.

Have you ever had someone tell you they didn’t see something coming, and you thought, “How could you miss it?” We all saw your marriage going that way, we told you. We noticed that financial decision was a poor one a mile away.

A storm is when you feel helpless. Life feels chaotic; you have this “I did not see that coming” feeling afterward.

Some storms are out of our control: like getting laid off; when you were abused; or can’t have a baby. Things like when cancer comes back; when your kids walk away from their faith; you have a miscarriage; or you are depressed and can’t see a way forward.

But some storms we cause: how you respond to things in your life; who you let into your life; and who you allow to influence your life.

How do you respond to the storms of life?

Our marriage is another area we have some control over. We don’t want to admit it, but our choices earlier in life had a more significant effect on our marriage than we expected. We didn’t expect that sleeping around in our 20’s would affect us in our 30’s. Or that we would still feel those financial decisions ten years later.

Or the resentment and bitterness we carry around from past relationships and hurts.

Many of us wonder where God is when we get stuck in a storm in life.

Where is God when life hurts the most?

A fascinating passage in Mark 6 shows us something important about God and storms.

Immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go ahead of him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After he said good-bye to them, he went away to the mountain to pray. Well into the night, the boat was in the middle of the sea, and he was alone on the land. He saw them straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. Very early in the morning he came toward them walking on the sea and wanted to pass by them. When they saw him walking on the sea, they thought it was a ghost and cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke with them and said, “Have courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” Then he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. They were completely astounded, because they had not understood about the loaves. Instead, their hearts were hardened.

What is fascinating to me is that Jesus intended to pass by them. He didn’t plan on stopping.

But isn’t Jesus supposed to save them? To pull them from the storm? Stop it? Bring relief?

Sometimes Jesus stops the storm. Sometimes he pulls us from it and brings relief. And sometimes, he passes by.

Where is God when life is confusing?

This might seem like Jesus is leaving them (or us), but that is far from it.

Dave Furman, in his book Kiss the Wave: Embracing God in Your Trials, said, The better question isn’t whether or not Jesus wanted to help his disciples, of course, he did, but the question is, how did he want to help them.

In 1 Kings, when God showed himself to Elijah, He passed by him.

In the book of Exodus, God showed Moses his power and presence by passing by him.

Jesus is showing them and us he is God by passing by them.

Here’s how I’ve seen this play out in my life: when someone else gets my answered prayer. Has that ever happened to you? You pray for your marriage, but it seems like other people’s marriage improves. You pray for your finances, and others get blessed. Same as you pray for your kids and others seem to get ahead. You pray for your career, and a co-worker gets promoted and a raise.

God is more visibly at work in someone else’s life. Therefore, God has more visibly blessed them with a comfortable life than our lives.

Sometimes God will move in lives near us to show us He can. Not to taunt us or diminish our faith, but to strengthen it.

In her book, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered, Lysa Terkeurst shares this prayer, and if you find yourself in a storm and finding it difficult to trust God and cling to him, I pray this prayer helps you:

Oh, dear God, help me trust You beyond what my physical eyes can see. As the winds of all that’s uncontrollable whip around me and thrash against me, I need something to ground me. Steady me. Hold me together when circumstances are falling apart. I want to trust you beyond what my eyes can see. Amen.

Posted on Tuesday, March 1, 2022

How to Evaluate Your Relationships

by Josh Reich

love neon signage

Sunday we continued our series The Better Half and looked at the tone or narrative of our relationships. They create the atmosphere for our most important relationships. This includes how we look at money, sex, how we speak to each other, handle conflict, and so much more.

The tone for our relationships started a long time ago in our family of origin. You learned how to think about the opposite sex from how your parents handled sexuality and talked about the opposite sex. You learned how to handle conflict by how your parents dealt with conflict. Maybe you have continued that or tried to go the other way as an adult. But the impact is still there.

Here is where this can become an issue.

Often, we are unaware of the tone of our relationships. We are unaware of how we interact because we have grown up in it; it is all we know, etc. When you go to someone’s house for the first time, you might see everything wrong with the house, but they have slowly stopped seeing it because they are used to it.

Colossians 3:5 – 17 allows us to evaluate our most important relationships.

How to evaluate your relationships.

Here’s how I’d encourage you to proceed:

Read through the verses below.
Choose one or two relationships that matter deeply to you.
Look at your side of the relationship and how you are contributing to it. Remember, you can only control your part of the relationship.

Here is what Paul says in Colossians 3:1 – 17:

So if you have been raised with Christ, seek the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Therefore, put to death what belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desire, and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, God’s wrath is coming upon the disobedient, and you once walked in these things when you were living in them. But now, put away all the following: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and filthy language from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self. Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive. Above all, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ, to which you were also called in one body, rule your hearts. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell richly among you, in all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another through psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Now, think of one or two relationships. It could be your spouse, child, parent, friend, or co-worker.

Do you have them in mind?

Signs of an unhealthy marriage.

Now, let’s look at your part of the relationship through some of the words Paul uses. Do any of the following appear that you need to confess or seek forgiveness from the other person:

Sexual immorality
Impurity
Lust
Evil desire
Greed
Anger
Wrath
Malice
Slander
Lying

Is there anything hidden in your life in this area that your spouse doesn’t know about that you need to confess? Even if the other person doesn’t know you are doing something, it harms the relationship.

How to protect your marriage and most important relationships.

Paul starts by telling us, as a follower of Jesus, these things should not be true of our relationships. Are they? Do they appear?

The reality is some of them do. And when they do, we need to confess those things to God, seek forgiveness from God and the other person so that we can live in freedom.

But what should our relationships look like?

Evaluate your relationships now from what Paul says should be true about them:

Compassion
Kindness
Humility
Gentleness
Patience
Bearing with one another
Forgiving one another

Do these show up in your marriage, parenting, work relationships? Is there one that you are falling short on that you need to grow in? Ask God to give you the heart to do that, the desire to grow in that area. Look for ways to be more compassionate, kind or humble or gentle, and so on.

What should be true of you as a follower of Jesus.

Posted on Thursday, February 24, 2022

How Your Family of Origin Affects Your Relationships

by Josh Reich

One of my dream jobs was to be a movie critic growing up. What a great job! To get paid to watch movies.

If you think about your favorite movie or the most iconic movies, they have many things in common. Do you know one of the things that can make or break a movie?

The soundtrack.

The right song played at just the right moment makes all the difference.

Some soundtracks are iconic and stay with you.

Did you know that every relationship has a tone, a soundtrack?

This tone, this soundtrack is how a relationship plays out. There is a rhythm, how things are done in every relationship we have.

Some of them just happened to show up. You showed up in the midst of some of them, like when you get a new job or join a new friend group. Some relationships you have left because of the tone and soundtrack.

When we think of tone, we immediately think of communication. Think of the words used in a conversation or even how a husband and wife talk to or argue with each other and how parents and kids talk. Or how a boss and employee interact. And how friends speak to each other at school.

While that is part of the tone, the tone is so much bigger and more profound than that.

The tone is the atmosphere of your relationships, your marriage. It’s the feeling you have in your house or that someone feels when they come over. It’s the feeling you get when you walk into work or school. It is the attitude, the emotions of your marriage and family.

The tone is not something you decide one day to have; it is embedded. It is often decided without being discussed. Culture just happens unless we do something.

But where does it come from?

For many of us, the tone of our relationships began a long time ago, before we were even born in our Family of Origin.

How you do relationships as an adult was formed as a child.

The tone of your marriage began a long time ago and had nothing to do with you. It started in the home you grew up in, the house your parents grew up in, the place your parents grew up in, and so on. It was passed down from generation to generation. Then, when you got married or went to college and moved out, you brought this story, this tone with you.

Your spouse also brought theirs, if you’re married, and they collided together. You see it in small ways at the beginning in deciding how to do holiday traditions, where you will celebrate something, how you will parent your kids, how you will spend money and save.

Then, you see it in interactions: eye contact, how you speak to each other, and how you treat each other.

For girls, as teenagers and adults, how you view men and how you let them treat them is often connected to your relationship with your dad.

For boys, the way you view women and treat them is often connected to how you watched your dad treat your mom.

Every family has a tone, a narrative. Every relationship has a tone. It is inescapable. We often don’t think about it, though, for a simple reason. The tone and narrative we grew up with is all we know. It is how we see the world; it makes sense to us.

Every family has a tone, a narrative.

Think for a minute:

What was the emotional atmosphere of your home growing up?
Were your mom and dad emotionally close or distant?
Did either of your parents rely on you for emotional support?
Were either of your parents detached or uninvolved in your family?
Were you ever mistreated by verbal, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse?
Were either of your parents alcoholics?
In your family, what were you allowed to do or not do? What were you allowed to be or not be?
Lastly, what is the deepest wound you suffered in your family of origin? Abandonment, abuse, addiction, walking on eggshells?

The list goes on and on.

This is the tone.

Let me give you a few examples:

Money was tight in your family, so you saved and saved. Money was your security. The tone of life is hectic, stressful, always watching every penny. The tone of your relationships very quickly becomes one of desperation.
One parent is an alcoholic. The tone is one of walking around quietly, silently, and not wanting to do anything to set that parent off. The other parent makes excuses. You eventually make excuses to others for that parent.
Perfection is the name of the game. Everything must be perfect. If you aren’t perfect, at least appear perfect. Always look perfect, act perfect. If a relationship isn’t perfect, pretend it is. Eventually, you have no idea what is real or not, but perfection matters.
Grades. Grades are the key to getting ahead. If you excel in school, you win and get attention; a good job. This carries into your career. The way to win attention is to be good at what you do. Weakness is for the people who lose. Fear of failure overwhelms you. If you feel, it shows you are inadequate.
Never good enough. The tone of this family is that we can never win, we can never get ahead. The only people who make it is everyone else. This is almost like Eyore from Winnie the Pooh in human form. Nothing good happens to this family or in this family.

Those are just a few examples, but I could go on and on.

The point is we all have a story, a narrative we carry with us from our family of origin.

This is the tone of our lives, the story we know, the story we tell, and the story we live. When we get married, we bring this story, this tone with us, and our spouse brings a different story and tone. Our interactions with each other are based on this.

And this is important: The tone of your relationships determines the outcome of your relationships.

The tone of your relationships determines the outcome of your relationships.

Growing up, the tone in your family has determined a lot of your life today. It has determined how you view authority, money, sexuality, and so much more. It has shaped the way you see yourself and the world around you.

We often do our best to run from it, but it usually stays with us.

So what do we do?

Too often, we try to jump into changing something without knowing what we are trying to change.

To change anything, we must name it. We must be aware of it.

So, what was the tone or narrative of your family growing up? How has it shaped you in positive and negative ways? What wounds are you still carrying that you need to deal with? What hurts are you covering up or running from?

There is freedom on the other side of these questions, but they are difficult paths and often need to be walked with a trusted friend or a professional counselor.

Posted on Wednesday, February 16, 2022

The Power of Shame in Relationships

by Josh Reich

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

To one degree or another, all of us carry around shame—from things we’ve done and things that were done to us; things we’ve said and things said to us; things we wished we had done and things we wish that others had done. Shame shows up in all kinds of places and all kinds of people.

We often overlook how much shame shapes our identity and our lives. It becomes a driving force in our lives, affecting how we work, and how we relate to others and God. As we grow older, it keeps us from experiencing joy in our most important relationships.

Shame can come from many places.

It comes from the guilt of things we haven’t dealt with in the past or present. The addiction or hidden sins, the abuse or the affair, the missed opportunities or the things we’ve said or not said.

It comes from our failures to live up to certain dreams or expectations of others. It comes from embarrassment around moments in our lives.

The question isn’t if you and I have shame; we all do. But what do we do with it?

It wasn’t until working on a sermon on John 2 that I began to see the significance of Jesus’ first miracle. A miracle that, according to Tim Keller, was more than simply fixing a social oversight, but has so much more going on.

During this time, marriage was an enormous event. The entire town would be invited, and the celebration would last for up to a week. This was not simply about the couple but was a sign of the strength of the town and community.

For the wine to run out was not a simple party oversight. This would be seen as an insult to the town and the guests. The ramifications of this happening could be felt for decades to come regarding standing in the community, business dealings, and overall appearance. The shame heaped upon this family would be no small thing. In the same way, the shame in our lives that we carry around often comes from things in our family’s past. We feel the effects of an abusive grandfather we have never met, or an alcoholic grandmother whispered about.

But Jesus didn’t just change water into wine to save this family from embarrassment and shame.

For the Jewish people, weddings were a sign of the Messiah. Weddings were a picture of his coming, of what heaven would be like. There were also prophecies in Joel, Hosea, and Amos indicating that wine would flow freely over a barren, dry land from the Messiah (Joel 2:24; 3:18; Hosea 14:7; Amos 9:3). This imagery would not be lost on the Jews who saw this miracle.

John also points out that Jesus had them fill up purification jars. This was not what they normally used for wine, as these were the jars the Jews used to cleanse themselves to worship God, enter the temple, and purify them. Jesus, at a wedding, which is a picture of the Messiah coming, with wine. Using purification jars to make one right with God, turning guilt and shame into joy.

Later in the Gospels, Jesus will bring his disciples together for a Passover meal, hold up wine and declare it his blood (Matt. 26:28). Then, in Revelation 21, John tells us that when Jesus returns, it will be as a bridegroom at a wedding (Rev. 21:2).

Here are six ways to move forward from your shame:

6 ways to move forward from your shame.

1. Name your shame. If you don’t name something, it takes ownership of you. This is a crucial step. It would help if you named the hurt, the guilt, the shortcoming, the impropriety, the embarrassment, the abuse, the loss, the misstep, the sin. If you don’t, you stay stuck.

Whatever you can’t name in your life takes ownership of you.

I’ve met countless people who couldn’t name an ex, name the situation of hurt or talk about something. This doesn’t mean that you are a victim or wallow in your pain, but naming something is crucial. Without this first step, the others become difficult to impossible.

The saying, “Whatever we don’t own, owns us,” applies here. This is a crucial step.

2. Identify the emotions attached to it. We are emotional wrecks when we are hurt and can’t see a way forward. All we know is that we are hurt, that life isn’t as we’d hoped, but we aren’t sure what to do.

What emotions are attached to your shame? Is it guilt? Loss? Failure? Missed opportunity? Sadness? Hopelessness? Indifference?

Name them.

Name the emotion that goes with your abuse, abandonment, divorce, failed business, dropping out of school, not meeting your expectations, or the expectations of someone else.

We often feel shame when we have a different emotion attached to it, but shame is far more familiar. Do you feel neglected or hurt or sad? What emotion is conjured up from the memory?

3. Confess the sins that are there. Do you always have sin when you feel shameful? No. Sometimes it is a misplaced shame. It is a shame you have no business owning. You didn’t sin; someone else sinned against you.

Sometimes, though, there is a sin on your part. You may have sinned, and that’s why you feel shame. Sometimes your sin might be holding on to that person or situation.

Sometimes you need to confess that your shame keeps you from moving forward and is keeping you stuck.

Bring those sins to light.

4. Grieve the loss. When we have shame, there is a loss. This loss might be a missed opportunity or missed happiness. It might be bigger than that and be a missed childhood, a loss of your 20’s, a loss of health or job opportunity.

It might be a relationship that will never be, something you can never go back to.

As you think about your shame, what did you lose? What did you miss out on? What did that situation prevent you from doing or experiencing? What hurt do you carry around? What will never be the same because of that situation?

5. Name what you want. This one is new for me, but it has to do with your desires.

Often the reason we stay stuck is that we know what stuck is. We don’t know what the future holds. Beyond that, we don’t know what we actually want.

We carry shame around from a relationship with a father who walked out. Do you want a relationship? Do you want to be in touch?

We carry shame from a failed business. Do you want to get back in the game?

Can you name what you want in the situation associated with your shame?

Sadly, many people cannot.

If you can’t name what you want, you will struggle to move forward if you can’t identify a desire.

6. Identify what God wants you to know about Him. When we carry around shame, we carry around a lie. In identifying that lie, we identify the truth that God wants us to know about Him.

If you feel unloved, the truth that God wants you to know is that you are loved. If you feel unwanted, God wants you to know you are wanted. If you feel dirty, God wants you to know the truth that in Him, you are clean.

Throughout scripture, we are told that God is a Father, that He is as close to us as a mother nursing her child, that God is compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in love, gracious, tender, strong, and for us.

The list goes on and on.

In that list, though, is the truth, the antidote to your shame, and what you need to remind yourself of to move forward and live into the freedom of Jesus.

6 ways to move forward from your shame.

Freedom is hard.

Let’s be honest, freedom is difficult. Living in sin, shame, guilt, and regret is easy. It is what we know. It is where most people live and reside.

Freedom is scary. Freedom is unknown. Freedom leaves us vulnerable. Freedom leaves us not in control.

Yet, this is what it means to be a child of God. To live in freedom. Overflowing freedom.

Posted on Monday, February 14, 2022

In Honor of Valentine’s Day

by Josh Reich

Today is Valentine’s Day. Honestly, for Katie and me, Valentine’s Day is essentially like any other day. We don’t go out to eat today because it is crazy expensive. But we also strive to have a weekly date night and check-in time with each other, which doesn’t happen on Monday.

Today is a day when we focus on love when some of us long for love that has been lost or not found yet.

We also started a new series at our church yesterday called The Better Half, where we will spend five weeks looking at how to be the better half in our most important relationships.

Over the years, Katie and I have taught in various settings on marriage and relationships; we have written countless posts about them and read many books and articles on marriage. All to make our relationship the best it can be.

10 articles to help strengthen your marriage.

So, I thought I’d share our top 10 posts we’ve ever written on marriage:

10 marriage posts for Valentine’s Day.

Posted on Monday, February 7, 2022

1 Question to Save You From Regret

by Josh Reich

Last Sunday in our series Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets, we asked the question, In light of my past experiences, current circumstances, and future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

In light of my past experiences, my current circumstances, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

So, let’s get real specific on that.

What are your future hopes and dreams as it relates to the following:

Finances
Career
Family
Friends
School
Health
Spiritual growth

Twelve months from now, where do you hope to be?

I want to encourage you to be specific on this. Too often, we have vague goals, fuzzy hopes and dreams.

One of my favorite Andy Stanley quotes is, “Everybody ends up somewhere in life. I recommend you end up somewhere on purpose.”

Everybody ends up somewhere in life. I recommend you end up somewhere on purpose. -Andy Stanley

Now that you are clear on your future hopes and dreams let’s work backward.

Of all the questions that Andy shares in his book Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets: 5 Questions to Help You Determine Your Next Move, this is my favorite and the one I use the most with my kids and in my own life. It is also one of the main reasons we left Arizona and moved to New England.

So, how do we end up somewhere on purpose? How do we make decisions, so we don’t sell ourselves a regret?

By asking, In light of my past experiences, my current circumstances, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

In light of my past experiences, my current circumstances, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

Let’s break this down one at a time.

Your past.

Your past is yours. It’s unique. It is your story; it is what has gone before you. Your story is different from any other story on the planet.

Your experiences, relationships, how you’ve handled money are unique to you. Yes, there are similarities to others, but yours have shaped your past.

How your parents’ marriage went and how they handled money.

All of those things are part of your past and are essential. What your past is, though, is something important. It shows you some things you can easily fall into, some temptations that could snag you that might not snag someone else. It offers you things you need to pay attention to and be aware of.

So, In light of your past experiences, what is the wise thing to do?

In light of your past experiences, what is the wise thing to do?

It might mean you don’t go to certain places or watch certain things. It might mean you have boundaries other people don’t. But our past matters.

Current circumstances.

This is the reality that life is seasonal.

The energy you have as a teenager is different than that of an empty nester.

The risks you take in your 20’s are a bit different than in your 40’s.

Your emotional state is different right now than it was five years ago.

The reality for all of us is the impact covid has had on our world and our emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

What is going on in your life right now as you face that decision? What is your marriage like? How much time and energy do you have for that new opportunity? How will it affect your most important relationships if you do this or that?

Often, we think about what it will bring if we say yes; we rarely ask if we can handle it. Or we assume everyone will adjust because “it’s my life and my dream.” But those who have to change are part of your current circumstances.

Sometimes we need to wait, defer, pause, postpone or sit one out.

Is now the time to start that business in light of your current circumstances?

Should you get back in a relationship in light of your current circumstances?

Should you go back to school in light of your current circumstances?

One question to help you figure out God’s will for your life.

This is why Paul tells us to pay attention (Ephesians 5:15 – 17). We often know the answer to these questions, but we don’t like them.

A series of unwise decisions always precede our greatest regrets.

Our greatest regrets are always preceded by a series of unwise decisions. -Andy Stanley

This brings us to the last part:

Future hopes and dreams.

What has God placed on your heart? What dreams do you carry? What hopes do you have?

Too often, we make decisions that jeopardize our future hopes and dreams.

We do this by saying things like, “I’m not doing anything illegal, people do this all the time, I’m not hurting anyone, I can handle it. God will forgive me.”

We say those things right before we get a regret to carry.

In light of my past experiences, my current circumstances, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

One question to avoid regret.

For our family, this was a question we consistently asked ourselves as we interviewed with churches around the country and tried to discern what God was saying to us. Our past experiences kept us from particular churches and situations. Our current circumstances made us turn down some things. And our future hopes and dreams helped us make sure that we asked the right questions.

Posted on Monday, January 31, 2022

How to Set Goals You’ll Reach

by Josh Reich

Since we’re now at the end of January and the luster of New Years Resolutions has begun to wear off, I felt like it’s time to share some ideas on how to set goals and keep them.

Resolutions are just that, goals. They are hopes for the future. In December we look at our lives, see the things we don’t like about them, and set a goal to change that specific area of our lives.

No one makes a resolution to get into more debt or add 30 pounds (at least not that I have met).

Here are 6 ways to set goals, keep them and accomplish them.

6 ideas for goal setting.

Be realistic. If your goal is to lose weight, losing 20 pounds in 2 weeks isn’t likely or realistic. Possibly if you just stop eating, but that sounds miserable. The excitement of what could be is easy to get caught up in, but the reality that you will all of a sudden get up at 5 am 4 days a week when you have been struggling to get up by 7 am isn’t realistic.

Set goals you want to keep. I have had friends set a goal and they are miserable. Now, sometimes our goals will have some pain. When I lost 130 pounds, it wasn’t fun to change my eating habits, but the short-term pain was worth it. The same goes for debt. It will require some pain to get out of debt. You have to walk a fine line here. If it is too painful, you will not want to keep it. This is why our goals are often more of a process than a quick fix.

People often ask me the best workout or eating plan. The answer is, the one you’ll do. The same goes for Bible reading, giving, and community. The best goal is the one you’ll go after.

The best goal is the one you’ll actually go after.

Make them measurable. Don’t make a goal: to lose weight, get out of debt or read my Bible more. Those aren’t measurable. How much weight? How much debt? How much more will you read your Bible? Make the goal measurable so you can see how you are doing.

Have a plan. Once you have your goal, you need a plan. If it’s weight loss, what will you do? If it’s debt, how will you get there? What are the steps? If it’s Bible reading, what plan are you using? No goal is reached without a plan.

When will you workout? When will you read your Bible? Where will you do those things? What will you do when you open your Bible or get to the gym?

What is your plan for getting out of debt, or going back to school?

Too many goals get left on the floor because they lack a plan.

Get some accountability. Equally important is accountability. One of the things I did when I weighed 285 pounds and started mountain biking was I bought some bike shorts that were too small and embarrassing to wear. This gave me the accountability to keep riding. Your accountability might be a spouse or a friend, but it needs to be someone that can actually push you. Maybe you need to go public with your goal and invite people to help you stay on track.

Remove barriers to your goals. Your goals have barriers, that’s why you have to set goals in the first place. It might be waking up, the kind of food in your house, credit cards, working too late, or wasting time on your phone. Whatever it is that is going to keep you from accomplishing it, remove it. Get rid of the ice cream, credit cards, move your alarm clock so you have to get out of bed. Whatever it is, do it. Life is too short to be miserable and not accomplish your goals.

What barriers will keep you from reaching your goals?