Category Archives: Healthy Relationships

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How to Walk with People through Pain & Difficulty

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Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Sunday, I preached how to walk through pain and life’s difficulties. One of the things I couldn’t get to is how to walk with someone through pain; how do you let others walk with you?

This is often hard to do from both perspectives.

When you are the one walking through the difficulty, we tend to keep it to ourselves. We don’t want to bother other people; we think we should be able to handle it on our own or we struggle to wonder if people care about us.

It is hard to know where to start when you are a friend watching someone walk through difficulty. How do you step in and help? What do they need? Especially around sickness or death, it can sometimes be hard to know what to say or how to say it. We often choose not to do anything, even though we’d like to.

A few years ago, I read a great book by Kate Bowler called Everything Happens for a Reason (and other lies I’ve loved). Kate was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, and in the end, she shares how to walk with people because it is difficult, we want to do it well, but we often find ourselves fumbling about it.

According to Bowler, here are some things not to say:

What not to say to someone walking through a difficult time.

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  • ‘Well, at least . . .’ Whoa. Hold up there. Were you about to make a comparison? At least it’s not . . . what? Stage V cancer? Don’t minimize.
  • ‘In my long life, I’ve learned that . . .’ Geez. Do you want a medal? I get it! You lived forever. Well, some people are worried that they won’t or that things are so hard they won’t want to. So ease up on the life lessons. Life is a privilege, not a reward.
  • ‘It’s going to get better. I promise.’ Well, fairy godmother, that will be a tough row to hoe when things go badly.
  • ‘God needed an angel.’ This one takes the cake because (a) it makes God look sadistic and needy, and (b) angels are, according to Christian tradition, created from scratch. Not dead people looking for a cameo in Ghost. Do you see how confusing it is when we pretend that the deceased returned to help us find your car keys or make pottery?
  • ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ The only thing worse than saying this is pretending that you know the reason. I’ve had hundreds of people tell me the reason for my cancer. Because of my sin. Because of my unfaithfulness. Because God is fair. Because God is unfair. Because of my aversion to Brussels sprouts. I mean, no one is short of reasons. So if people tell you this, make sure you are there when they go through the cruelest moments of their lives, and start offering your own. When someone is drowning, the only thing worse than failing to throw them a life preserver is handing them a reason.
  • ‘I’ve done some research and…’ I thought I should listen to my oncologist, nutritionist, and a team of specialists, but it turns out that I should be listening to you. Please tell me more about the medical secrets that only one flaxseed provider in Orlando knows. Wait, let me get a pen.
  • ‘When my aunt had cancer…’ My darling dear, I know you are trying to relate to me. Now you see me, and you are reminded that terrible things have happened in the world. But guess what? That is where I live, in the valley of the shadow of death. But now I’m on vacation because I’m not in the hospital or dealing with my mess. Do I have to take my sunglasses off and join you on the saddest journey down memory lane, or do you mind if I finish my mojito?
  • ‘So, how are the treatments going? How are you really?’ This is the toughest one of all. I hear you trying to understand my world and be on my side. But picture the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Got it?

Here are some things to say:

What to say to someone walking through a difficult time.

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  • “I’d love to bring you a meal this week. Can I email you about it?” Oh, thank goodness. I am starving, but I can mostly never figure out something to tell people I need, even if I need it. But really, bring me anything. Chocolate. A potted plant. A set of weird erasers. I remember the first gift I got that wasn’t about cancer, and I was so happy I cried. Send me funny emails filled with YouTube clips to watch during chemotherapy. Do something that suits your talents. But most important, bring me presents! 
  • “You are a beautiful person.” Unless you are used to speaking in a creepy windowless-van kind of voice, comments like these go a long way. Tell your friend something you admire about his or her life without making it feel like a eulogy.
  • “I am so grateful to hear about how you’re doing. Just know that I’m on your team.” Do you mean I don’t have to give you an update? Did you ask someone else for all the gory details? Whew. Great! Now, I get to feel like you are both informed and concerned. So, don’t gild the lily. What you have said is amazing, so don’t screw it up now by being a nosy Nellie. Ask a question about any other aspect of my life. 
  • “Can I give you a hug?” Some of my best moments with people have come with a hug or a hand on the arm. People who are suffering often—not always—feel isolated and want to be touched. Hospitals and big institutions, in general, tend to treat people like cyborgs or throwaways. So, ask whether your friend feels up for a hug and give her some sugar. 
  • “Oh, my friend, that sounds so hard.” Perhaps the weirdest thing about having something awful happen is that no one wants to hear about it. People tend to want to hear the summary, but they don’t usually want to hear it from you. And that it was awful. So, simmer down and let your friend talk for a bit. Be willing to stare down the ugliness and sadness. Life is absurdly hard, and pretending it isn’t is exhausting.
  • *****Silence***** The truth is that no one knows what to say. It’s awkward. Pain is awkward. Tragedy is awkward. People’s weird, suffering bodies are awkward. But take the advice of one man who wrote to me with his policy: Show up and shut up. 
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The Seasons of Life and Family

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Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash

Life is full of seasons. 

We see this in the seasons of childhood and school, the seasons we walk through each decade, and the seasons of our careers. 

I’ve always gravitated toward the year’s seasons and how they reflect our seasons of life. 

Here’s what I mean: 

Winter is the season of hibernation and resting, holding steady. It is also the season of sadness, sickness, and loneliness. There are seasons in life and family of sorrow, illness, and loneliness. Seasons of resting and clearing the calendar to sit by the fire. Winter is also the season of preparation because you aren’t doing other activities. 

While it can feel like nothing is happening in winter, many things are happening in winter.

Spring is the season of new beginnings and opportunities, the season of hope. Life is blooming. This season can feel like a shotgun went off. Like it is all of a sudden busy. Everything is happening at once. This season can start with a new job, opportunity, or school year. I remember a farmer telling me once that to have a great fall; you have to jump on the opportunity in spring and work harder than you think. 

Summer is the season of growth, enjoyment, and fun. Summer is the season of life when you begin to see the payoff for some of what you did in life. In the summer, you also need to be pruning your life to live effectively and at a sustainable pace. In farming, you are weeding, protecting what matters to you. Summer can also be the time you are tempted to sit back, but if you do, that’s when you can lose your crop. 

Fall is the harvest season. We reap all that we have sown in the fall. Fall is when you see the results of what you did and either celebrate or lament. Fall is the season of change; the leaves change, and the weather gets colder. Fall is also the time that you prepare for winter. You winterize your house and pipes. The same is true in life and relationships. You need to prepare for winter. 

Which season are you in personally? What about your spouse and each one of your kids?

Do you know which season of life you are in? The answer matters a great deal.

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This is because if we don’t know which season we are in, we will be unprepared for the next season. We will also miss the blessings that each season brings. 

Winter brings the blessings of slower times, sitting by the fire and relaxing, doing a puzzle, and being together with family and friends. 

Spring brings the blessings of warmer days, walking outside, and beginning gardens and new rhythms. 

Summer brings the blessings of longer days, picnics and beach days with friends and family, and vacations from school and work. 

Fall brings the blessings of a new school year, new adventures, and cooler temperatures. 

Each season has its blessings, but it also has its challenges. 

Each season of life has its own blessings, but it also has its own challenges.

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Winter brings the challenges of sadness and loneliness. The days are shorter, and the nights are longer. 

Spring brings the challenges of busyness and feeling behind. 

Summer brings the challenges of a new schedule that can throw your life into chaos. 

Fall brings the challenges of being behind the eight ball and not being prepared. 

Each season of marriage has its own blessings, but it also has its own challenges.

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The Big & Little things that Destroy Relationships

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Photo by Caleb Gregory on Unsplash

All of us have watched families and relationships fall apart. Marriages fizzle out, friendships grow distant, and families stop talking to each other. Some of these are simply life situations (like when friends move), but others are things that could be avoided. The problem is that we usually see relational issues too late.

What if you could see ahead of time what could destroy a relationship? What if you could do certain things to ensure a relationship didn’t fall apart? The answer is, you can.

In Galatians 5, the apostle Paul gives us two lists, one that shows us what can destroy relationships and one that shows how to have the best relationships possible. 

Before getting to the lists, I want you to think about one person or relationship. This could be your spouse, kids, grandkids, or in-laws. It might be a combination of a few relationships. Each relationship has its challenges, but as you think about this, remember you can only control your part of the relationship. You can only change yourself. You can’t change your spouse, kids, boss, or friend – only yourself. 

The big & little things that can destroy your most important relationships.

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Okay, with that in mind, let’s get to the list. 

The first one is what can destroy our relationships found in Galatians 5:19 – 21: Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and anything similar. I am warning you about these things—as I warned you before—that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

The little & big things that can destroy your marriage.

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There’s a lot here. 

Can you see what you might struggle with? What shows up in your most important relationships?

Each of us has something. 

But think about your relationship; what could destroy it from this list? What do you need to be aware of? What do you need to be watching for? What things have you fallen into that you must confess or put guardrails around?

Dr. John Gottman is considered the expert on marriage and relationships. He says four things destroy our relationships and calls them The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Now, in our relationships, each of us has a go-to move. We might use all of them, but one of them is our favorite. And they back up what Paul says in Galatians 5. 

What the best relationships have in common.

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You can’t change what you don’t name, and you can’t guard against something you don’t identify. So, knowing what can destroy your most important relationships is essential. 

Then, Paul gives us another list. A list you have heard before if you have a church background. He tells us in verse 22: the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Paul shows us the opposite of our default selves by giving us another list.

What the best marriages have in common.

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He calls this list the fruit of the Spirit. Notice it doesn’t say fruits. Meaning this should be true of every follower of Jesus. Before we apply these, notice that Paul doesn’t give us an out. We don’t get to say, “well, I’m just not a patient person.” Or “I’m argumentative; that’s how I communicate.” He says these should be evident in the life of every follower of Jesus. 

Some of them may come naturally to you based on your personality. You might be a naturally patient or kind person. Gentleness or self-control may be easy for you.

By calling it a fruit, though, Paul is telling us something else about these things:

  • Growth is gradual. Fruit doesn’t grow all at once. Being led by the Spirit is a gradual move in our life, but it is moving.
  • Growth is inevitable. With suitable soil, fertilizer, and ingredients, change will happen.

But what do these look like in relationships?

Love: To serve another person, choosing to love them. Love is not a feeling that overwhelms you but a choice you make daily. It is the opposite of fear, self-protection, or abusing people. It also means to seek the best for the other person. 

Joy: is the opposite of hopelessness or despair, not having mood swings based on circumstances. Not blind optimism, but not wallowing in self-pity and pessimism, and seeing the good in each situation you face. 

Peace: Having confidence in God while life seems to crash on you. Peace replaces anxiety and worry, apathy, or not caring about something. This also means striving for contentment and unity in relationships. 

Patience: To face trouble or anxiety, or stress without blowing up. Not having resentment or cynicism or not caring. In relationships, this can mean being slow to speak and slow to become angry. 

Kindness: Serving others practically, being vulnerable, opening your life up to others and not being envious, being able to rejoice when someone else succeeds or celebrating their joy.

Goodness: Integrity, being the same person everywhere rather than being phony or a hypocrite, and saying things with kindness. Telling the truth in love while being loving, not just telling the truth.

Faithfulness: To be reliable and counted on. When you make a promise, you can take it to the bank; you don’t cheat or cheat on people. The people closest to you should be able to trust and believe you. 

Gentleness: is softness, a caring that you have for those around you and those in need. Having humility in relationships and being calm. Men do not get to say, “I’m not gentle.” 

Self-control:  Not impulsive, able to control your emotions, actions, and desires. Having willpower over areas of your life, not being controlled by porn, feelings, drugs, alcohol, work, or anything else, striving to control your impulses. 

What the best marriages look like.

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Which of these come naturally for you? Which ones are a struggle that you need to grow in?

What would it look like if your marriage and most important relationships had these in them? Imagine if this list was true of your most important relationships and life. 

What is true of the healthiest families.

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How to Build Healthy Community

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Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

All of us need community and friendships. Yet, if we’re honest, most of us do not put the time and effort into them that we should. I know that I can slack off, and when I need or want more friends, it is easy to get frustrated.

As I look at my own life, I think two things that get us into trouble are:

  1. We don’t know the kind of relationships that we need.
  2. We put too much pressure on relationships, thinking they all need to be deep, lifelong friendships.

Recently, I read The Resilient Pastor: Leading Your Church in a Rapidly Changing World by Glenn Packiam, and he uses Frodo and The Lord of the Rings to help us see the kinds of friendships we need. 

As you read through this, ask yourself a few questions:

  • Do you have these kinds of people and friends in your life?
  • If you’re missing someone, how do you fill that space?
  • What roles do you play in the lives of others?

The first category that Packiam talks about is The Sage. This is Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings. The wise wizard who appears at all the right moments. The sage represents the wisdom of those who have gone before you. People who are further along, older than you, more mature, have more life experience and deeper faith than you. 

You are further along than someone; you are more mature than someone. 

You need a sage, and you might be a sage to someone else. 

The sage isn’t necessarily the superstar, but they are steady and persistent. 

Who is your sage?

The next category is Companions. For Frodo, this is Merry and Pippin, and Samwise. Faithful, loyal friends. 

These are the people you call at 3 am when your life falls apart; these are the first ones you call when you need help or hit a tragedy. These are also the first people who call you when you play this role for them. 

Who do you call when your life falls apart?

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Sam never leaves Frodo’s side. Even telling Frodo, “I can’t carry the ring for you, but I can carry you.” 

What a line. 

We all need those kinds of friends, the kind of friends who carry us. 

Who are the people who walk with you? Who do you walk with? Who do you reach out to when your life falls apart? Who calls you when their life falls apart?

Similar to this is Peers. For Frodo, these are the dwarves and the elves. 

They know what Frodo is doing, they fight alongside him in the war, but they aren’t carrying what Frodo is carrying. 

Our paths cross, but we live different lives, and that’s okay. They might be other parents at school functions, sporting events, co-workers, or neighbors. 

Often, we don’t think much about this relationship, but it is crucial. We often put too much pressure on relationships; we believe every relationship has to be deep or take a lot of time, but we need people we pop in and out of life with. 

The next category for Frodo is the King. In middle earth, this is Aragorn. 

Think of the King as the person who can tell you no. 

Who in your life can tell you no?

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This is a person that carries some authority in your life. 

They may be able to stop you from doing something, or they might have moral authority in your life that if they said, “You shouldn’t do that,” it would give you pause. 

Who in your life has the power and influence to tell you that you are wrong or making a bad decision?

The last thing we need in our community is a Healer. In Lord of the rings this is Elrond and Arwen, the elvish healers. 

This could be a counselor, spiritual director, group leader, or friend who can speak to our pain and wounds. Who looks you in the eye and says, “that’s hard, that stinks what you walked through; you shouldn’t have to go through that.”

This person can also hold up a mirror to you, help us see our sins in situations, and help us have needed perspective.

The 5 relationships we need in our relational circle.

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Who is missing in your circle?

Again, ask yourself these questions:

  • Do you have each of these kinds of people and friends in your life?
  • If you’re missing someone, how do you fill that space?
  • What roles do you play in the lives of others?
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How to Evaluate Your Relationships

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Sunday we continued our series The Better Half and looked at the tone or narrative of our relationships. They create the atmosphere for our most important relationships. This includes how we look at money, sex, how we speak to each other, handle conflict, and so much more. 

The tone for our relationships started a long time ago in our family of origin. You learned how to think about the opposite sex from how your parents handled sexuality and talked about the opposite sex. You learned how to handle conflict by how your parents dealt with conflict. Maybe you have continued that or tried to go the other way as an adult. But the impact is still there. 

Here is where this can become an issue. 

Often, we are unaware of the tone of our relationships. We are unaware of how we interact because we have grown up in it; it is all we know, etc. When you go to someone’s house for the first time, you might see everything wrong with the house, but they have slowly stopped seeing it because they are used to it. 

Colossians 3:5 – 17 allows us to evaluate our most important relationships. 

How to evaluate your relationships.

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Here’s how I’d encourage you to proceed:

Here is what Paul says in Colossians 3:1 – 17:

So if you have been raised with Christ, seek the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Therefore, put to death what belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desire, and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, God’s wrath is coming upon the disobedient, and you once walked in these things when you were living in them. But now, put away all the following: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and filthy language from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self. Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive. Above all, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ, to which you were also called in one body, rule your hearts. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell richly among you, in all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another through psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Now, think of one or two relationships. It could be your spouse, child, parent, friend, or co-worker.

Do you have them in mind?

Signs of an unhealthy marriage.

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Now, let’s look at your part of the relationship through some of the words Paul uses. Do any of the following appear that you need to confess or seek forgiveness from the other person:

  • Sexual immorality
  • Impurity
  • Lust
  • Evil desire
  • Greed
  • Anger
  • Wrath
  • Malice
  • Slander
  • Lying

Is there anything hidden in your life in this area that your spouse doesn’t know about that you need to confess? Even if the other person doesn’t know you are doing something, it harms the relationship.

How to protect your marriage and most important relationships.

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Paul starts by telling us, as a follower of Jesus, these things should not be true of our relationships. Are they? Do they appear?

The reality is some of them do. And when they do, we need to confess those things to God, seek forgiveness from God and the other person so that we can live in freedom.

But what should our relationships look like?

Evaluate your relationships now from what Paul says should be true about them:

  • Compassion
  • Kindness
  • Humility
  • Gentleness
  • Patience
  • Bearing with one another
  • Forgiving one another

Do these show up in your marriage, parenting, work relationships? Is there one that you are falling short on that you need to grow in? Ask God to give you the heart to do that, the desire to grow in that area. Look for ways to be more compassionate, kind or humble or gentle, and so on.

What should be true of you as a follower of Jesus.

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How Your Family of Origin Affects Your Relationships

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One of my dream jobs was to be a movie critic growing up. What a great job! To get paid to watch movies.

If you think about your favorite movie or the most iconic movies, they have many things in common. Do you know one of the things that can make or break a movie?

The soundtrack.

The right song played at just the right moment makes all the difference. 

Some soundtracks are iconic and stay with you. 

Did you know that every relationship has a tone, a soundtrack?

This tone, this soundtrack is how a relationship plays out. There is a rhythm, how things are done in every relationship we have. 

Some of them just happened to show up. You showed up in the midst of some of them, like when you get a new job or join a new friend group. Some relationships you have left because of the tone and soundtrack. 

​​When we think of tone, we immediately think of communication. Think of the words used in a conversation or even how a husband and wife talk to or argue with each other and how parents and kids talk. Or how a boss and employee interact. And how friends speak to each other at school. 

While that is part of the tone, the tone is so much bigger and more profound than that.

The tone is the atmosphere of your relationships, your marriage. It’s the feeling you have in your house or that someone feels when they come over. It’s the feeling you get when you walk into work or school. It is the attitude, the emotions of your marriage and family.

The tone is not something you decide one day to have; it is embedded. It is often decided without being discussed. Culture just happens unless we do something.

But where does it come from?

For many of us, the tone of our relationships began a long time ago, before we were even born in our Family of Origin.

How you do relationships as an adult was formed as a child.

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The tone of your marriage began a long time ago and had nothing to do with you. It started in the home you grew up in, the house your parents grew up in, the place your parents grew up in, and so on. It was passed down from generation to generation. Then, when you got married or went to college and moved out, you brought this story, this tone with you. 

Your spouse also brought theirs, if you’re married, and they collided together. You see it in small ways at the beginning in deciding how to do holiday traditions, where you will celebrate something, how you will parent your kids, how you will spend money and save.

Then, you see it in interactions: eye contact, how you speak to each other, and how you treat each other.

For girls, as teenagers and adults, how you view men and how you let them treat them is often connected to your relationship with your dad. 

For boys, the way you view women and treat them is often connected to how you watched your dad treat your mom. 

Every family has a tone, a narrative. Every relationship has a tone. It is inescapable. We often don’t think about it, though, for a simple reason. The tone and narrative we grew up with is all we know. It is how we see the world; it makes sense to us.

Every family has a tone, a narrative.

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Think for a minute:

  • What was the emotional atmosphere of your home growing up?
  • Were your mom and dad emotionally close or distant?
  • Did either of your parents rely on you for emotional support?
  • Were either of your parents detached or uninvolved in your family?
  • Were you ever mistreated by verbal, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse?
  • Were either of your parents alcoholics?
  • In your family, what were you allowed to do or not do? What were you allowed to be or not be?
  • Lastly, what is the deepest wound you suffered in your family of origin? Abandonment, abuse, addiction, walking on eggshells?

The list goes on and on.

This is the tone.

Let me give you a few examples:

  • Money was tight in your family, so you saved and saved. Money was your security. The tone of life is hectic, stressful, always watching every penny. The tone of your relationships very quickly becomes one of desperation.
  • One parent is an alcoholic. The tone is one of walking around quietly, silently, and not wanting to do anything to set that parent off. The other parent makes excuses. You eventually make excuses to others for that parent.
  • Perfection is the name of the game. Everything must be perfect. If you aren’t perfect, at least appear perfect. Always look perfect, act perfect. If a relationship isn’t perfect, pretend it is. Eventually, you have no idea what is real or not, but perfection matters.
  • Grades. Grades are the key to getting ahead. If you excel in school, you win and get attention; a good job. This carries into your career. The way to win attention is to be good at what you do. Weakness is for the people who lose. Fear of failure overwhelms you. If you feel, it shows you are inadequate.
  • Never good enough. The tone of this family is that we can never win, we can never get ahead. The only people who make it is everyone else. This is almost like Eyore from Winnie the Pooh in human form. Nothing good happens to this family or in this family.

Those are just a few examples, but I could go on and on.

The point is we all have a story, a narrative we carry with us from our family of origin. 

This is the tone of our lives, the story we know, the story we tell, and the story we live. When we get married, we bring this story, this tone with us, and our spouse brings a different story and tone. Our interactions with each other are based on this.

And this is important: The tone of your relationships determines the outcome of your relationships.

The tone of your relationships determines the outcome of your relationships.

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Growing up, the tone in your family has determined a lot of your life today. It has determined how you view authority, money, sexuality, and so much more. It has shaped the way you see yourself and the world around you.

We often do our best to run from it, but it usually stays with us.

So what do we do?

Too often, we try to jump into changing something without knowing what we are trying to change.

To change anything, we must name it. We must be aware of it.

So, what was the tone or narrative of your family growing up? How has it shaped you in positive and negative ways? What wounds are you still carrying that you need to deal with? What hurts are you covering up or running from?

There is freedom on the other side of these questions, but they are difficult paths and often need to be walked with a trusted friend or a professional counselor.

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The Power of Shame in Relationships

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

To one degree or another, all of us carry around shame—from things we’ve done and things that were done to us; things we’ve said and things said to us; things we wished we had done and things we wish that others had done. Shame shows up in all kinds of places and all kinds of people.

We often overlook how much shame shapes our identity and our lives. It becomes a driving force in our lives, affecting how we work, and how we relate to others and God. As we grow older, it keeps us from experiencing joy in our most important relationships.

Shame can come from many places. 

It comes from the guilt of things we haven’t dealt with in the past or present. The addiction or hidden sins, the abuse or the affair, the missed opportunities or the things we’ve said or not said.  

It comes from our failures to live up to certain dreams or expectations of others. It comes from embarrassment around moments in our lives. 

The question isn’t if you and I have shame; we all do. But what do we do with it?

It wasn’t until working on a sermon on John 2 that I began to see the significance of Jesus’ first miracle. A miracle that, according to Tim Keller, was more than simply fixing a social oversight, but has so much more going on.

During this time, marriage was an enormous event. The entire town would be invited, and the celebration would last for up to a week. This was not simply about the couple but was a sign of the strength of the town and community.

For the wine to run out was not a simple party oversight. This would be seen as an insult to the town and the guests. The ramifications of this happening could be felt for decades to come regarding standing in the community, business dealings, and overall appearance. The shame heaped upon this family would be no small thing. In the same way, the shame in our lives that we carry around often comes from things in our family’s past. We feel the effects of an abusive grandfather we have never met, or an alcoholic grandmother whispered about.

But Jesus didn’t just change water into wine to save this family from embarrassment and shame.

For the Jewish people, weddings were a sign of the Messiah. Weddings were a picture of his coming, of what heaven would be like. There were also prophecies in Joel, Hosea, and Amos indicating that wine would flow freely over a barren, dry land from the Messiah (Joel 2:24; 3:18; Hosea 14:7; Amos 9:3). This imagery would not be lost on the Jews who saw this miracle.

John also points out that Jesus had them fill up purification jars. This was not what they normally used for wine, as these were the jars the Jews used to cleanse themselves to worship God, enter the temple, and purify them. Jesus, at a wedding, which is a picture of the Messiah coming, with wine. Using purification jars to make one right with God, turning guilt and shame into joy.

Later in the Gospels, Jesus will bring his disciples together for a Passover meal, hold up wine and declare it his blood (Matt. 26:28). Then, in Revelation 21, John tells us that when Jesus returns, it will be as a bridegroom at a wedding (Rev. 21:2).

Here are six ways to move forward from your shame:

6 ways to move forward from your shame.

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1. Name your shame. If you don’t name something, it takes ownership of you. This is a crucial step. It would help if you named the hurt, the guilt, the shortcoming, the impropriety, the embarrassment, the abuse, the loss, the misstep, the sin. If you don’t, you stay stuck.

Whatever you can’t name in your life takes ownership of you.

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I’ve met countless people who couldn’t name an ex, name the situation of hurt or talk about something. This doesn’t mean that you are a victim or wallow in your pain, but naming something is crucial. Without this first step, the others become difficult to impossible.

The saying, “Whatever we don’t own, owns us,” applies here. This is a crucial step.

2. Identify the emotions attached to it. We are emotional wrecks when we are hurt and can’t see a way forward. All we know is that we are hurt, that life isn’t as we’d hoped, but we aren’t sure what to do.

What emotions are attached to your shame? Is it guilt? Loss? Failure? Missed opportunity? Sadness? Hopelessness? Indifference?

Name them.

Name the emotion that goes with your abuse, abandonment, divorce, failed business, dropping out of school, not meeting your expectations, or the expectations of someone else.

We often feel shame when we have a different emotion attached to it, but shame is far more familiar. Do you feel neglected or hurt or sad? What emotion is conjured up from the memory?

3. Confess the sins that are there. Do you always have sin when you feel shameful? No. Sometimes it is a misplaced shame. It is a shame you have no business owning. You didn’t sin; someone else sinned against you.

Sometimes, though, there is a sin on your part. You may have sinned, and that’s why you feel shame. Sometimes your sin might be holding on to that person or situation.

Sometimes you need to confess that your shame keeps you from moving forward and is keeping you stuck.

Bring those sins to light.

4. Grieve the loss. When we have shame, there is a loss. This loss might be a missed opportunity or missed happiness. It might be bigger than that and be a missed childhood, a loss of your 20’s, a loss of health or job opportunity.

It might be a relationship that will never be, something you can never go back to.

As you think about your shame, what did you lose? What did you miss out on? What did that situation prevent you from doing or experiencing? What hurt do you carry around? What will never be the same because of that situation?

5. Name what you want. This one is new for me, but it has to do with your desires.

Often the reason we stay stuck is that we know what stuck is. We don’t know what the future holds. Beyond that, we don’t know what we actually want.

We carry shame around from a relationship with a father who walked out. Do you want a relationship? Do you want to be in touch?

We carry shame from a failed business. Do you want to get back in the game?

Can you name what you want in the situation associated with your shame?

Sadly, many people cannot.

If you can’t name what you want, you will struggle to move forward if you can’t identify a desire.

6. Identify what God wants you to know about Him. When we carry around shame, we carry around a lie. In identifying that lie, we identify the truth that God wants us to know about Him.

If you feel unloved, the truth that God wants you to know is that you are loved. If you feel unwanted, God wants you to know you are wanted. If you feel dirty, God wants you to know the truth that in Him, you are clean.

Throughout scripture, we are told that God is a Father, that He is as close to us as a mother nursing her child, that God is compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in love, gracious, tender, strong, and for us.

The list goes on and on.

In that list, though, is the truth, the antidote to your shame, and what you need to remind yourself of to move forward and live into the freedom of Jesus.

6 ways to move forward from your shame.

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Freedom is hard.

Let’s be honest, freedom is difficult. Living in sin, shame, guilt, and regret is easy. It is what we know. It is where most people live and reside.

Freedom is scary. Freedom is unknown. Freedom leaves us vulnerable. Freedom leaves us not in control.

Yet, this is what it means to be a child of God. To live in freedom. Overflowing freedom.

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Speaking So Everyone Hears You

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At some point, a preacher will preach a sermon that does not go well. You know you tried, you researched, but it fell flat and you can feel that you didn’t hit the mark.

Or, at work, a conversation will not go the way you’d hoped. The expectation you had going into the discussion, or the desired outcome, didn’t happen. Maybe it is at home where you and your spouse, or you and your child seem to be ships passing in the night. You presented it to your boss or teenager, and…nothing.

What do you do? How do you get through to people who don’t listen, who don’t want to hear?

Matthew 13 is a short parable of Jesus that I’ve heard pastors refer to when they preach a sermon and people didn’t respond with the same enthusiasm they expected or hoped or people have used when sharing the gospel, and it went nowhere.

It says:

That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat beside the sea. And great crowds gathered about him, so that he got into a boat and sat down. And the whole crowd stood on the beach. And he told them many things in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them.Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root, they withered away. Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. He who has ears, let him hear.”

Notice where pastors get themselves off the hook or where we as Christians share the gospel or a conversation: Some people aren’t open and won’t listen. What was the farmer supposed to do? The soil wasn’t ready. 

While that happens and there is some truth there, notice what the farmer did. He spread the seed out; he did what he was supposed to do. It was soil; he planted the seed in the ground the way you cultivate the soil.

Many pastors and Christians who share the gospel are content to let themselves off the hook by not doing it in a way that resonates with people who don’t know Jesus. Many of us are satisfied in our most important relationships to let ourselves off the hook, blame the other person instead of doing the hard work. Or we expect the other person to read our minds.

Here are a few ideas to keep in mind when communicating to someone, whether it is at a job, about an issue that needs to be resolved, or about the gospel:

4 ways to preach so they will hear and understand.

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Put yourself in their shoes. How are they feeling? What are their roadblocks to hearing what   you have to say? Many pastors don’t remember that most of the people they preach to don’t agree with them. So don’t assume you have agreement on the foundational pieces of your conversation or sermon. 

You need to know the stories of the people you are speaking to, their fears and desires, and their longings. When I preach, this is one of the areas that the enneagram is so helpful as a grid to think through. It helps me think of examples and what people might struggle with as it relates to a topic or a passage. It is also incredibly helpful in relationships as I think through where I am coming from and what the other person is looking for.

Have a goal in mind. What is a win? If the conversation or sermon ends, how will you know if it is a success? Is that goal realistic? Everything should be moving in that direction. When I preach, I have a big idea. The big idea is the one idea I want everyone to leave knowing. If people can’t say it and remember it, it wasn’t a success. What is your next step from a sermon? Is that obvious? 

The conversation you need to have at work or home, is the goal clear? What do you hope changes because of it? Too many discussions and meetings get off track because the goal isn’t clear. Frustrations boil over, or we begin to chase our tails and miss the point of the interaction. 

Remember, you don’t control their response. This is true but easy to forget. You don’t change anybody’s mind. You don’t force anybody into the kingdom of God. You don’t make someone kill an idol in their heart; the Holy Spirit does. You don’t make your child or spouse who God wants them to be; he does. Remember your role in the process.

This means you don’t need to push. You don’t need to say everything you can think of on a topic. You can stop talking and let things simmer, and allow the receiver to process things.

How a change in relationships happens.

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Be prepared. The farmer was prepared. If you preach, you should be prepared for your sermon. Do your homework. You, as a pastor, pay the price for your sermon, not your church. The farmer did his job; he planted the seed and let them grow. He didn’t force them; he planted.

Too many times pastors stand up and preach a half-done sermon. Too many times people start essential conversations on the fly without thinking through them, and then wonder why the other person is upset, or it didn’t go anywhere. This means you need to understand how the other person hears something, and when it’s the best time to bring it up so they will listen to you. 

4 ways to have a conversation with someone to move something forward.

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3 Things Every Great Relationship Has

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We all want great relationships. We want them at work, school, and home. 

If you’re married, you want your marriage to be as great as possible. If you’re a parent, you want to do the best job you can and be as connected to your child. The same goes for friendships, work relationships, and so on.

But what does that take?

We often know what a great relationship takes, but life gets in the way. What if the other person doesn’t pull their weight in the relationship?

Many things go into a great relationship and there are many things that can harm a relationship.

It has been interesting to me preaching through the book of Philippians because Philippians isn’t often seen as a relationship book. But, Paul talks about relationships a lot. And he gives some clear insight into what makes a relationship great.

In Philippians 2, he shows us three things that make every relationship great.

3 things that make relationships great.

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Before diving into those three things, let’s do a bit of review and evaluation of your relationships. 

Think about your most important relationships: Spouse, kids, parents, friends, co-workers, or boss. How are those relationships doing? Are they healthy? Unhealthy? Are they life-giving or life-draining? 

Often, we run through things in life. We keep doing things and never ask, “How are we doing?” And then, if they aren’t where you’d like them to be, what’s the way forward?

That’s where the three things Paul says in Philippians 2:1 – 11 are so helpful.

1. Harmony. We know harmony when we hear it in music, and we know it when someone is off-key. Harmony in relationships is working together, not apart. Harmony isn’t the same note; it is playing different notes but having them work as one.

This is the goal of the Christian community. This is the goal of a church. This is the goal of marriage. 

To be one.

Yet, when the world around us looks at churches, they don’t see people working as one, moving as one; they see people tearing each other apart.

Too many couples who claim to follow Jesus make fun of each other, work against the other person, do their own thing, split up to reach their goals instead of working as one. 

Dating couples, this is why your goals, values and beliefs matter when it comes to dating. Unfortunately, one of the fastest ways to destroy a marriage is to have different goals, values, and beliefs. 

Moving as one is loving the same things, united on the same purpose (Philippians 2:2).

2. Humility. In humility, consider others as more important than yourselves.

How do we consider someone? The word consider means to think about something, to ponder something before deciding. Humility, serving others, not giving into selfish ambition and conceit, is a conscious decision. It is not something we stumble into.

This is a daily, minute-by-minute choice to make others, and think of others, as more important than yourself.  As Paul Miller said, “Love takes the low place.”

Love takes the low place. -Paul Miller

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3. Helpfulness. This is how we come alongside someone and help them become all that God has called and created them to be. This encourages them, believing in them when they don’t believe in themselves, cheering them on, pushing them when needed.

Helping.

When we appreciate the other person’s gifts, talents, and goals (harmony), and can be humble to put their needs and interests above ours, we can help them because we are invested in them.

Now, back to your relationships. 

Which one has harmony, humility, and helpfulness? Which one needs more harmony, humility, and helpfulness?

I’d encourage you this week to focus on one relationship and one word. What if you could move one relationship further, make it healthier?

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Be the Friend You Want

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Over the last several years, study after study has talked about the rise of loneliness and isolation. In 2018, almost 50% of Americans said they sometimes or always felt alone. In the last year, 1 in 3 Americans says they face serious loneliness. This is across the board in terms of ages, but the greatest rise has been among students. This has led to increases in suicide, alcohol use, and more. 

This isn’t new. But it is more front and center in the midst of covid. 

The reality is, we were not made to live life in isolation. 

Are you lonely? Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a professor of psychology and neuroscience, said, “Loneliness is thought to be more of a subjective, distressing feeling, but it’s the discrepancy (or distance) between one’s actual and desired level of connection.”

Loneliness is thought to be more of a subjective, distressing feeling, but it’s the discrepancy (or distance) between one’s actual and desired level of connection. -Julianne Holt-Lunstad

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Loneliness isn’t just something in our culture, but something that many people who attend church experience. This is incredibly sad because we were made for relationships, for community. The whole New Testament was written to groups of people, to churches. As Gordon MacDonald said, “None of us can ever be strong in the Christian life without intentional participation in a smaller group of people.” But many of us try. 

None of us can ever be strong in the Christian life without intentional participation in a smaller group of people. -Gordon MacDonald

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In Paul’s letter Philippians, we see this simple truth: Relationships are at the heart of joy and hope. 

Relationships are at the heart of joy and hope.

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We see how important relationships are to him in Philippians 1:3 – 11:

I give thanks to my God for every remembrance of you, always praying with joy for all of you in my every prayer because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Indeed, it is right for me to think this way about all of you because I have you in my heart, and you are all partners with me in grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel. For God is my witness, how deeply I miss all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. And I pray this: that your love will keep on growing in knowledge and every kind of discernment, so that you may approve the things that are superior and may be pure and blameless in the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ to the glory and praise of God.

What is the hope of loneliness and isolation? Friendship, a community, moving towards others. 

Paul tells us here what is incredibly important: A friend is safe, gives you their best, and brings out the best in you. 

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Paul tells us three important things in this passage about friends:

First, a friend remembers the best. Do you have a friend that remembers the best about you? Or just the worst? Does your spouse remember the best moments or remind you of the worst? Third, do you remember the best moments or the worst?

A friend will give you their best and bring out your best. Friends are partners, working together, moving as one, in the same direction. A great partnership is one where each person knows how they are wired, how they are gifted, what they do well and don’t do well. Then, they make up for each other’s weaknesses and blind spots. In a partnership, everyone knows the other person’s blind spots and brings them up, so everyone is aware. They don’t keep secrets. 

In a partnership, they see the good work God is doing. They give their best and expect your best. When Paul says in verse 6, “God will complete the good work,” he is seeing what God is doing. This is the hardest to do in our closest relationships. In our closest relationships, we see all the weeds, broken places, and bad work. Paul is choosing to see the good work. 

Here are some other ways this plays out:

  • Assuming the best about other people’s motives
  • Speaking the truth in love
  • Calling each other up to deeper, more authentic faith

A friend will pray the best for you. All of us need friends that we can text at any time of the day and say, “Pray for me about this.” Do you have a friend who prays for you? Do you have a friend that you pray for?

A friend is safe, gives you their best, and brings out the best in you. 

Who is this for you?

Who are you this for?

A friend is safe, gives you their best, and brings out the best in you.

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