Category Archives: Healthy Relationships

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How to Let Go of Your Last Season

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During my transition from Tucson to Massachusetts, I read a beneficial book called Every Pastor’s First 180 Days: How to Start and Stay Strong in a New Church Job by Charles Stone. One of the things I came across in it was a quote from Lauren Suval, “Psychologists tell us that we can’t open a new chapter in our lives without closing the prior one. It’s called closure.”

Psychologists tell us that we can’t open a new chapter in our lives without closing the prior one. It’s called closure. -Lauren Suval

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Instinctively, we know this. But many of us miss out on the next season because we don’t let go of the last season. Instead, we carry hurt or bitterness into a new role, a new church, or a new relationship.

A season-changing event could be a life stage change (a child starting or ending school, becoming an empty nester); it could be a promotion or retirement; it could be a job change; a significant birthday, etc.

Here are three things to keep in mind to let go of the last season:

3 questions to ask to let go of something or someone?

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1. What (or who) do you need to grieve? What (or who) do you need to let go of? No matter how great the last season was, there are losses with it. No matter how much you are looking forward to the next season, there are things to grieve from the last season. Our kids recently started acting like teenagers with friends, phones, video games, movies, staying up late, and sleeping in. This is exciting and fun. But, Katie and I realized some of the things we lost: time in the evening as a couple, time as a family, etc. To move forward and enjoy this season, we have to grieve that and let go of it. We also have to figure out how to move forward into this new season (come back for the next post on that.)

One of the things I had to do when we left Tucson was grieving what didn’t happen. These weren’t necessarily bad things, but hopes and dreams that I had for our time there. Things I had hoped we would accomplish, things that I believed would happen, relationships I expected to play out that didn’t. This is painful and is simply listing out what we had hoped to do.

As the season closes, is there anyone you need to talk to? Is there any hurt you are carrying that you need to deal with? Sometimes, to move forward, you need to deal with your own heart, and it isn’t a conversation you need to have. Do you need to let go and give something or someone over to God? When I look back on Tucson, some of the things and situations that I need to let go of aren’t necessarily sinful. I’ve heard of people holding “funerals” for these or not following people and organizations on social media. But you will need to figure out how you should grieve and let go.

Is there anyone or anything you need to let go of?

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2. What do you need to celebrate? Depending on the season you are coming out of, this might be hard to do. It is easy to focus on the negative from a time, but how do you celebrate? What did God do through you, in you, and around you?

This list will probably surprise you. But this list will also not include things you had hoped for, which is why you need to grieve. On our last Sunday in Tucson, many of the people who were a part of Revolution (the church we planted in 2008) showed up at my last sermon to say goodbye. There were many tears and a lot of laughter as we remembered moments together, ways we saw God move. People were able to speak life to Katie and me about the impact we had made in their lives. This was so good for us and so humbling to see what God did in and around us. 

If you struggle with finding positive things, ask someone else. But part of the closing of a chapter is thanking God for all that He has done. This also helps to keep your heart in the right place.

3. What did you learn that will influence you in the future? The end of every season brings with it all kinds of lessons. At some point, you need to sit down and ask what you learned.

As a leader, every experience and situation I have is an opportunity to learn. As I look back on my 15 years in Tucson at both Revolution and Pantano, I have learned so many things. Some are things I’d like to continue doing, some are things I’d like to stop doing as a leader. There are specific lessons from my time of not being a lead pastor at Pantano that helped me further clarify who I am and how I lead most effectively. To me, my 18 months at Pantano was a season of preparation for this next season that I don’t want to waste.

The greatest thing I learned in the last 5 years is what matters most to me. God used my time at Pantano to clarify in my heart who I am, who I want to become as a leader and the path that He has me on. I’m so thankful for those insights He gave me. 

I think too often we are ready to turn a page in life that we miss God’s lessons for us. But, if we miss this, we will miss the full future God has for us. 

If we don’t let go, we will miss the full future God has for us.

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How to Have a Feast!

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We are in the middle of a series on spiritual practices at my church, and one of the practices I got to teach on was feasting. You can watch it here.

Feasting is a spiritual practice that we don’t talk about very often, but as we look at the life of Jesus, we know that Jesus spent a lot of time at meals and feasts. New Testament scholar Robert Karris said, ‘In Luke’s Gospel Jesus is either going to a meal, at a meal or coming from a meal.’ Feasting is all over the Bible. There are feasts throughout the Old Testament. The bible ends in a fantastic feast. Jesus spent so much time at feasts. Jesus’ first miracle recorded in the Bible in Luke 2, took place at a party!

In Luke’s Gospel Jesus is either going to a meal, at a meal or coming from a meal. -Robert Karris

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In his book The Possibility of Prayer: Finding Stillness with God in a Restless World, Pastor John Starke said, “the Bible entices its readers with visions of feasts and suppers more than instructions about fasting.” So, as we practice the practice of feasting, remember, For Jesus, feasting was not just about enjoyment but also about one of the ways he fulfilled God’s mission. 

For Jesus, feasting was not just about enjoyment but also about one of the ways he fulfilled God’s mission.

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If the spiritual practice of feasting is new to you, one resource that has helped Katie and me is The Lifegiving Table: Nurturing Faith through Feasting, One Meal at a Time.

Here are some ideas on how to practice feasting and to enjoy God’s gifts of food and presence:

How to practice the spiritual practice of feasting.

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  • Plan it. What will you eat, what music will you play, who will be there? How will you make sure people are present to themselves, God, and each other? How will you make sure you are present to yourself? 
  • Determine what matters for you. Will you cook? What will you listen to? Our family sometimes cooks a feast, and sometimes we get pizza. But what we always do is sit at our table, light candles, listen to records and make a giant cookie. Those are anchors for our feast. 
  • Don’t have your phone at the table. Have a box where people stick their phones so everyone can be present at the feast. 
  • Make this a regular practice and schedule it at least once a month. I’d encourage you to do this weekly but start small. 
  • Take a nap the afternoon before a feast, and don’t eat as much that day so you can indulge and enjoy without guilt. 
  • Use conversation cards. We use these from the Orange, which is our kids’ curriculum. They have questions like: Which person at the table is most likely to break a world record and in what? What was your favorite toy as a kid? Fun things that draw us together. Here are different cards for you to get depending on who will be there: Adult conversation cards Family conversation cards.
  • List out things you are grateful for from this past week. 
  • Have a meal with someone who doesn’t know Jesus and listen to their story. 
  • Laugh. Laughter is such a gift from God. God is a God of joy. 

Lastly, remember Christ is present. When we feast, we enact what Jesus spent most of his life doing, being with people, enjoying God’s good gifts. When our family feasts, we light candles to remind us of the presence of Jesus, that he is the light of the world and our lives, and he is with us. 

We are also experiencing a taste of eternity. We are told in Revelation that one day, the followers of Jesus will be at the feast of the Lamb, the feast of Jesus. 

Feasting is a rhythm that grounds us in celebration and thanksgiving. It also prepares us for heaven. It is a time to stop each week, to pause and reflect on God’s goodness to us, to relate to each other, and enjoy life. 

The Bible entices its readers with visions of feasts and suppers more than instructions about fasting. -John Starke

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Phones, Loneliness and Our Deep Need to Connect

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Recently, our family had to quarantine again because of being exposed to covid, and a few of our kids tested positive with covid.

When covid first started, the idea of quarantine sounded nice. Staying home, meetings on zoom.

But then, once you are in it, the reality of being at home, alone, sets in. Eventually, you run out of things to read, things to watch, and things to do. You are reminded how much you crave connection with people. How much we need others and how much we enjoy the routines of life.

Here’s why this matters so much: Loneliness has reached epidemic proportions. Even before covid, but I think that covid has exasperated it.

Recently, in researching a sermon, I came across these stats:

  • 1 out of every 4 Americans says they are always lonely or lacking friends.
  • 50% say no one knows them well.
  • More than half a million people under 40 haven’t left their house in the last 6 months in Japan. That is incredible. That was before covid!
  • With social media, on-demand TV, door dash, uber eats, we can stay in.

In fact, researchers have found that this increased loneliness in our culture, especially among students, leads to an increased sense of life that is meaningless and devoid of purpose.

As a parent, I’ve spent a good bit of time researching relationships, social media, phones, and loneliness as I help my kids interact with others and prepare for the future.

The effects of phones and social media on teenagers.

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Do you know, the younger you are, the more likely you are to suffer from loneliness and not be truly present?

According to Sherry Turkle, a professor at MIT (so not against technology), in her book Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age, this happens for several reasons:

  • Studies show the rise of social media, people getting a phone younger and younger, has led to an increase in loneliness, an inability to hold a conversation and be present with others.
  • For the first time, our whole lives are seen on a screen through social media. Every embarrassing thing we’ve done will show up as a Facebook memory.
  • The typical cellphone user touches his or her phone 2,617 time every day. That’s the average. The extreme is as high as 5,000 times a day.
  • When Turkle’s research team asked teenagers and young adults why they are on their phones at mealtimes while sitting at the table with others, do you know the number one answer? My parents did it.

And what is fascinating about our culture is how we can be alone in a crowd, because of our phones. Turkle said, “Remember the power of your phone. It’s not an accessory. It’s a psychologically potent device that changes not just what you do but who you are. Don’t automatically walk into every situation with a device in hand: When going to our phones is an option, we find it hard to turn back to each other, even when efficiency or politeness would suggest we do just that. The mere presence of a phone signals that your attention is divided, even if you don’t intend it to be. It will limit the conversation in many ways: how you’ll listen, what will be discussed, the degree of connection you’ll feel. Rich conversations have difficulty competing with even a silent phone. To clear a path for conversation, set aside laptops and tablets. Put away your phone.”

So, how do we handle quarantine and our phones?

While some people will throw their phones away or get off social media, and if that’s you, that is great.

But we need to set some limits. In the same way that we set screen time limits for our kids, we need to do the same.

How to use your phone during covid.

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Here are a few ideas:

  • The next time you think of texting someone, call them or facetime them.
  • Read your bible before you look at your phone, email, or social media.
  • Turn your phone off an hour before bed and read a book. This will help your mind to relax and prepare to sleep.
  • Take a walk without your phone.

This is a hard time but can also be a great time for connection if we are intentional about it.

How to be more intentional with your phone and social media.

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Quarantine Date Night

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Covid and quarantine have made everything challenging, but I think one of the biggest challenges is how to keep the romance alive in your marriage.

If that is something you are finding a challenge, or maybe you aren’t comfortable going out for dinner or having someone in your house to babysit your kids, here are some ideas on keeping that romance alive while you are at home.

7 ways to make date night special on a budget.

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  1. Have a plan. Nothing hurts date night more than having no plan. In the same way that you plan going out, plan what it will look like at home. What will you eat, who is doing what, what time will things get started? Decide those things ahead of time. You may have to be more intentional about the plan for date night at home because you are at home.
  2. Get dressed up. Don’t get into your pajama pants. Nothing shuts your brain down more at the end of a long day like getting into comfortable clothes. Wear what you would wear if you were going out.
  3. No electronics. The fastest way to kill most date nights is turning on the TV, no checking out Facebook or Twitter or your email. Concentrate on each other if you decide together to watch a show or movie, great but make sure that it is part of the plan.
  4. Plan a fun meal. It doesn’t have to be expensive or a feast, but something special. Something you wouldn’t normally eat. Katie and I love to try new recipes, so we’re always searching. There are so many blogs and ideas out there.
  5. Eat with your kids. At home, we do an appetizer while our kids eat so that we can still eat dinner with them, talk with them about their day, and it helps to hold us over until we eat.
  6. Know who will cook and who will put the kids down. It might be more relaxing for your wife to cook. She may want you to handle the kids or vice versa. Whatever it is, communicate that and stick to it.
  7. Pick a night you are awake for. There are certain nights you are more alert and awake than others. Find that night and do date night on that night. If you have a long day on Tuesday, don’t do date night that night. Maximize the night where your energy levels are highest. I find knowing which night date night will help me to be mentally prepared for it.
7 ways to make a date night at home a success.

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Bottom line, don’t let your romance fizzle out during this season.

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Why Love is So Important in Relationships [Especially in Quarantine]

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Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like towards us. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like for the follower of Jesus. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

We’ve already seen that love is patient and kind, and that love does not envy, boast, it is not prideful, dishonoring of others or self-seeking, and how anger and being historical show up in relationships.

But how does it show up in relationships, and why is it so important? Especially in quarantine.

At the end of 1 Corinthians 13, we’re told what love does, and I think, what makes love so powerful in our lives:

Love protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, and never fails. 

Love protects. We often think of protecting in love as someone standing up for someone or keeping harm from happening, and it is that. It is also protecting your heart, your mind, your desires for love. 

Do you protect your calendar for your most important relationships?

Do you protect your eyes, mind, and keep up the fight against lust so that you can experience all that love has to offer?

Do you face the pain and scars you carry so that they don’t wreak havoc on your most important relationships?

Protection is so much bigger than what we make it out to be, and the reason that many of us don’t face our past is that it is painful.

Love trusts. Many of us struggle to trust, and so we miss love. 

We struggle to be vulnerable, to share all of who we are. 

I know I do. I like to keep things to myself, I’m afraid of being laughed at or sounding silly, and so I hold back. When I do, I miss out on love. I miss out on sharing love and receiving love. 

Love trusts. Love opens itself up. Love is willing to share stories, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. That doesn’t mean you share everything with everyone, but love means that you share it with someone, and that might be one of the hardest parts of love. 

Love hopes. Hope is a picture of the future, what could be, what this relationship could become. 

And that hope guides my actions, my reactions, my words, and feelings towards the other person. 

One of the things that a married couple must continue to build into and fight for is hope for the future of your relationship and family. It is easy to look at another relationship and see what you don’t have or where you aren’t yet. But don’t lose hope. It is so easy to do that.

Love perseveres and never fails. Love doesn’t quit. Love walks in when everyone walks out. 

Many times, we give up on people or relationships before we should. Often, this has to do with ease or letting go of stressful situations, but love requires us to dig in and persevere.

It is easy to look at the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 and think, I have no hope for love! Because it is a lot, it is a high bar. But also have a deep longing to experience this kind of love. 

These verses give us a picture of God’s love for us. 

But it also shows us where we are supposed to be in our most important relationships. 

Yes, we fall short. 

But this list gives us a glimpse of areas we need to grow in, ask God’s help to accomplish so that those around us feel our love. 

Yet, in God’s grace, Jesus has this love for us. Jesus extends these to us. He keeps no record of wrongs, he serves, his love never fails, it protects, it hopes, and it lasts. God is not easily angered and delights in the truth. The truth of who God is and the truth of who He made us to be. 

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Relationships in Quarantine – How we Destroy Relationships

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Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

We’ve already seen that love is patient and kind. But now we see what it is not: Love does not envy, boast, it is not prideful, dishonoring of others or self-seeking.

What all of these have in common is me. Ourselves. What we want.

Envy is a longing for something that isn’t currently ours. It is also feeling discontent with your life, what you have or where things are. This sets into relationships very easily. Often because of what we imagine someone else’s relationship to be like. 

Boasting is puffing ourselves up, focusing on yourself and your needs over the needs of others. It is easy in relationships and marriage to puff yourself up, to look at yourself, and give yourself more grace than you give to the other. It is easier to see the faults of someone else than to see your own. 

Arrogance is thinking we’re better than we are. 

When we envy others, boast, are arrogant, we push people away. 

Often, we do these things to be right, but also to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We do these things to avoid saying something hurt us. If I envy you, then I can blame you for my problems. If I boast, I can put you down to make me feel better. If I’m arrogant, I protect myself from getting hurt. If I’m not proud, I’m willing to open my heart up to pain, yes, but I also open my heart up to love. 

All these emotions and actions do is isolate us. 

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul is inviting us to let go of these desires. 

What if you weren’t jealous of someone’s life or relationship? Imagine the pressure you bring to your relationships simply because of jealousy or a picture in your mind?

The flip side of this is contentment. Are you willing to be content with where your relationships are? That doesn’t mean you don’t grow or move forward, but there is a lost art of being satisfied with life and relationships. 

To not control or manipulate your relationships to get your way but to let them breathe and come alive.

Again, at the core of this verse is me—my needs. 

And this is easy to do in relationships. Because we often feel like the other person isn’t there for us, meeting our needs enough, we are putting too much effort into it. 

But, we can slowly, without knowing it, destroy our closest relationships by pushing people away by making sure they don’t measure up to our standards. 

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Relationships in Quarantine – Patient Love

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Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it really about? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

The first is…Patient.

Have you noticed that love and hurry don’t mix? Great relationships take time. They take time to develop, to get to know the other person. You don’t share your story, the details of your life with people quickly. It takes time. 

We are impatient people. We want food fast, the Internet fast, we get annoyed when Netflix buffers. 

We are impatient relationally. This plays out by being demanding, bulldozing people, and pushing too hard. We want people to work on our timetable, to make changes in their life when we think they should. But healthy relationships allow the other person to grow and develop at their speed. 

We are also impatient daily with those closest to us. We are pushing them, expecting them to be what we want, to do what we want. 

Yet, love says, “however long it takes for you to get your act together, I’ll be here.” This is showing compassion and grace in a way that doesn’t come naturally to most people; at least for me, that’s true. 

Our culture says if they don’t change fast enough, if they hold you back, move on. If they are getting in the way of your dreams, hit the road. But what if we miss out on things when we do that and have that attitude?

Can you imagine Jesus saying, “you aren’t changing fast enough, I’m done with you.” Can you imagine him saying, “Why can’t you just get over that hurt and move on or else I’m out of here?”

Patience is moving at someone else’s pace rather than pressuring them. It is staying in step with them. 

Patience in relationships is moving at someone else’s pace rather than pressuring them.

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Have you ever felt pressured in a relationship? That isn’t loving. That is pushing. 

Patience is understanding the season someone else is in, how they process life and decisions. 

Patience isn’t natural to us and not encouraged at all, especially in relationships.

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How to Create Boundaries in Unhealthy Relationships

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Every relationship we have, the goal is to have a healthy one. But sometimes, we end up in unhealthy relationships.

Some people are easy to love. They are easy to get along with and have a relationship with while others are not.

Some people in our lives bring us life. And others that drain us.

But at some point, we all encounter someone who is emotionally unhealthy or merely immature. This person might look to you to give them something you can’t give them or don’t want to provide them within a relationship. They might want more time and attention than you can afford. They might want more energy or proximity to you than you can give them.

This doesn’t make this person terrible, but many people struggle on how to have boundaries with this person. Especially if you are related to them.

How to keep boundaries with needy people.

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So how do you create boundaries in unhealthy relationships or with unhealthy people?

Listen. You need to know how best to help someone move from unhealth to health, and that comes through listening.

Too often, at least this is true for me, it is easy for me to brush people aside. But one of the best ways to move a relationship from an unhealthy place to a good place is knowing what needs to be done, and that comes through listening.

Many times, I have assumed someone, their story or situation, or even the day they are having, and that assumption hurt the relationship. The truth is, you don’t know what the other person is going through, what they are experiencing, or the day they had.

Listening creates empathy, which can lead to understanding.

Hope for unhealthy relationships.

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Provide feedback. In listening, we gain the right to be heard by someone.

Most people don’t know how they come across. Or what it is like to be in a relationship with them. We don’t see the impact of our words or presence on other people. When we hurt someone, we are usually the last ones to find out.

This is why feedback is so valuable. Asking things like, what is it like to be on the other side of me? How did I come across in that meeting? Questions like this are crucial to be in a healthy relationship.

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you need to have the courage to give feedback to the other person. What they do with that information is up to them, but if you don’t, you don’t give the relationship a chance.

How to love extra grace required people.

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Help as much as you can. When you encounter an unhealthy person or an emotionally immature person, you want to help as much as you can. But you also need to know what your limit is. This is important; the boundary you set will be different than the boundary they want.

And that’s okay.

You aren’t responsible for how they respond or what they do. But you are responsible for your heart, your health, and not letting them pull you into things.

A healthy person can set boundaries and keep them. Unhealthy people can’t.

A healthy person can set boundaries and keep them. Unhealthy people can’t.

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This changes with the season in life. There are times that you have more emotional and relational energy for people and seasons when you have less. You have to be aware of this in your own life.

Tell them when they’ve passed a boundary. If you have set a boundary with someone and they cross it or ask for something you can’t give, tell them.

In relationships, this can be incredibly difficult and uncomfortable, especially if that person has hurt you or caused deep pain. Many times we’d rather pretend that nothing happened, that everything is okay instead of drawing attention to an issue.

But if we don’t, it will only continue to fester in us and the relationship.

Know you can’t save them. One of the hardest parts of a relationship with an unhealthy person is knowing that you can’t change them. You can’t save them. You can help them, love them, be there for them, but as Lysa TerKuest says, “You have to let the other person walk down the other side of the road.”

You have to let the other person walk down the other side of the road. -@LysaTerKeurst

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The Power of Words in Relationships

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Almost every time I talk to someone hesitant to go after their dreams, and I ask them why they tell the story of someone telling them they couldn’t do something.

Whenever we struggle with low self-esteem, uncertainty, struggling to trust, or feel loved or worthwhile, one of the common factors is the words someone spoke to us.

Whenever someone finally reaches a goal or hits a milestone, they will tell the story of a coach, parent, or teacher who believed in them, pushed them, and spoke words of life to them.

Because words are powerful.

Words mark us.

The words of others have the power to mark us.

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The words of others create identities for us that are life-giving and negative.

We give so much power to the words of others.

The problem, though, most of our interactions tend to the negative side of words than the positive.

Proverbs 18:21 says The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. -Proverbs 18:21

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We know this is true because we have all had words spoken to us that have brought life and lifted us, but we’ve also been the recipient of words that have brought us death and have torn us down.

We know the power of words, but often we underestimate the power of them in our lives.

We’ll often do that through explaining it away: they didn’t mean it that way. We’ll say to someone, that’s not what I meant when I said that. We’ll shrug and tell a counselor; it wasn’t a big deal when they said that. We’ll say, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will _____.” That’s not true. They hurt deeply. 

If you deflect and say “what they said to me isn’t a big deal,” you need to pay attention to the things you explain away or deflect. 

So what words bring life? What words bring death?

Words bring life and death.

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Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:29, 31, that we are to let no unwholesome talk come out of our mouth. The word for unwholesome talk carries the same idea of rotting food. If you’ve ever smelled spoiled milk or food, you know what that feels like.

Then he tells us that we shouldn’t use words of bitterness, rage, anger, slander, brawling, and malice.

This is a big list.

All of these are things that happen in us and then come out in our words.

This is why Jesus said that our words are from the overflow of our hearts. 

Bitterness stems from the hurt of a past event; you were scarred, resentment has built up. When we speak with bitterness, it is often a response to a past event. It is when we haven’t dealt with something in our past, but it creeps into our present. In relationships, this is when we make someone pay for the sins of someone from our past. 

When was the last time you spoke from a place of rage and anger? When was the last time that you thought, “I wish I hadn’t said that?” Have you ever had to go to someone and say, “I should not have said that, and I’m sorry.” Ever sent an email or text and immediately thought, I wish I could get that back!

Slander means to say things about someone that isn’t true, to damage someone’s reputation. 

Malice means to hurt someone intentionally with our words.

Malice is almost exclusively something that happens in the closest relationships. Because we know which buttons to push. We know how to get a dig in at our spouse, boss, co-worker, sibling, friend, or child. Sadly, we save our harshest words for our closest relationships.

Sadly, we save our harshest words for our closest relationships.

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Paul then tells us in verse 32: use words that are kind and compassionate. 

These are words that are sympathetic, empathetic, affectionate, and show concern. They are words that give pleasure and relief in life. This should categorize our words. If you’re honest, these are the words you long to hear from someone. I know I do. 

Couples, you have so much power in your words to your spouse. You can send them on a course to change the world and conquer what is in front of them or deflate them before they get started. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve doubted myself, and Katie has grabbed my hand and said, “you can do this. I’m proud of you.” She signs all her notes to me by saying, “with all my admiration and respect.” I’ll tell you what; I feel like I could pick up a car when I hear that.

Parents, the words, the tone that you use today will shape your kids for a long, long time. Don’t believe me? How much have the words of a parent impacted you for good or bad?

You can lift your friends, your boss, co-workers with a simple word.

The power of words in relationships.

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9 Signs Your Marriage Needs More Attention than Your Career or Kids

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The longer you are married, the easier it is to let things come in between you and your spouse. When you first get married, you are ready to take on the world together. You make decisions together, you dream together, you are romantic with each other, continually pursuing each other. You can’t imagine anything coming between you and the most crucial person in your life.

But something happens.

Kids come along, and they have enormous needs that won’t go away.

Aging parents step in, and now you are taking care of them. Or parents who step into issues within your marriage. Or, if your spouse struggles to leave their family of origin and cling to this new family.

And your career starts to pick up. For many, the career catches them off guard because now they begin to feel affirmation, accomplishment, and people are noticing them in ways they didn’t have before.

Slowly, you stop pouring energy into your marriage because it feels more natural and comes easier to throw yourself into work and your kids.

But make no mistake, that path leads a ton of regret.

So, think of this post as a car dashboard telling you when to get your oil changed. Here are nine ways to know you need to spend more energy and time on your marriage than your job or your kids.

9 ways to know you need to spend more energy and time on your marriage than your job or your kids.

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You check your email and text messages during dinner. The dinner table needs to be the time of day when you turn your phone off. Whoever emails you or texts you during dinner can wait. If not, don’t eat dinner. It is easy, though to have your devices at the table.

Interestingly, parents complain about their kids bringing devices to the table, but guess who did it first? Parents.

At our house and on date nights, we have a no devices rule. If you need to bring out a device, ask the other person if that is okay.

You can’t remember the last date night you had. The older your kids get, the harder it is to get time together with your spouse. A lot happens, and a lot needs to happen.

But you need to schedule a time for you and your spouse to be together. To have time to talk, process, share what is going on, get feedback, pursue each other.

This needs to be one of the things that are blocked out on your calendar each week. It doesn’t have to be expensive or a major production, but it does need to be consistent.

A few rules for this time: plan it, no electronics, have the goal be a connection with each other.

You are quick to say “yes” to your kids, sleeping with you at night. This is not the same thing as feeding a baby at night, but many couples to be kind to their child or do not have to say no to their spouse about sex, allow kids to overrun the bedroom. If this is happening, something deeper is going on that needs to be addressed.

Every night we have a child who wants to sleep in our bed, on our floor for one reason or another. If they show up at 3 am, that’s different than 10:15 pm. But communicate that there are places where kids don’t get to be, they won’t end up in counseling because of this.

Your bedroom has a TV in it. One of the best ways to kill your sex life in marriage is by putting a TV in your bedroom. Whenever I meet with a couple who is frustrated about their sex life, they often have a TV in their bedroom. If you have a TV in your room and a great sex life, great, but you are the exception.

A TV is a distraction (it also keeps you from getting great sleep).

A TV in your bedroom kills your sleep and your sex life.

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PDA. One of the most significant signs that your marriage needs to attention is a lack of public displays of affection. Affection is the barometer of your marriage.

Affection is the barometer of your marriage.

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The older you get, the easier it is for this to slip. You stop holding hands, kissing, hugging.

The moment you look up and realize that your PDA is low, you need to give your marriage some attention.

Your weekends and evenings are taken over by your kids. Life is busy with kids: projects, sports, scouts, schoolwork, and plays. But when you begin to realize that you don’t have friend time, hobbies, you are running from one thing to the next; it is time to pull back and reevaluate. You don’t have to be in everything or be at everything.

When you hear a wife refer to her husband as one of her kids. This is a big one.

When a wife does this, underneath is disdain and disrespect of her husband. I’m not saying he doesn’t act like one of her kids, because he might. But this is one that tells you a lot about where your relationship is.

You are more open with someone at work than you are with your spouse. You spend a lot of time with people at work, and often, they are easier to talk to than your spouse. Slowly, during break time, lunch, or working late, you begin to share things with this person that you don’t share with your spouse.

You begin to get emotionally connected in a way that is incredibly dangerous to your marriage.

You see your spouse as getting in the way of your dreams. This a touchy one but an important one.

When you start in marriage, you are your spouse’s biggest cheerleader, standing in their corner (or at least you should be). Over time though, you can find yourselves pursuing different dreams, different lives. Slowly, the people closest to you seem to be inhibiting you from your goals instead of helping you to get there.

If you find yourself nodding your head to any or all of these, it isn’t hopeless. It just means that your marriage needs more attention than you and your spouse are giving it.