Category Archives: Healthy Relationships

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How to Beat Distractions at Work & Home to Reach Your Goals

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Distractions are everywhere.

The New York Times reported, a typical office worker gets interrupted every 11 minutes – yet it takes an average of 25 minutes to return to the original task.

So, learning what distractions are and training yourself to avoid them is crucial to success at work.

It isn’t just at work though.

Distractions rear their ugly heads at home, and they keep us from the most important relationships in our lives.

So, what are the distractions at work and home?

Your phone.

Social media.

That latest app or time wasting game.

Clutter.

Multi-tasking.

Noise.

Hunger.

Email.

Kids activities.

Regrets over past mistakes.

Worries about tomorrow.

Slack and trello.

Binging on TV.

Andy Stanley said: Regardless of the nature of your vision, or visions if you are not careful, you will get distracted. The daily grind of life is hard on visions. Life is now. Bills are now. The crisis is now. Vision is later. It’s easy to lose sight of the main thing, to sacrifice the best for the sake of the good. All of us run the risk of allowing secondary issues to rob us of the joy of seeing our visions through to completion. Distractions can slowly kill a vision.

Distractions can slowly kill a vision. -Andy Stanley

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So what do you do?

The reality is, you can’t plan for distractions but you can do your best to minimize them.

You can and should do things like turning your phone off, turn off email and text message notifications. You shouldn’t have social media notifications on your phone. Schedule when you do your email and when you don’t.

But if you do that, it won’t guarantee you won’t have distractions.

So what then?

Here are two questions that help me navigate my day and accomplish what I need to:

Two questions to accomplish what you need to in one day.

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What is most important to you?

This question is something you need to determine every day, whether it is at home, with your kids, at school or at work.

Each morning, I lay out the 3 most important things I need to accomplish each day.

This helps me to focus my time and energy.

Most of us allow other people to determine what is most important for us. Whether that is a school, a boss or a spouse. Sometimes this is out of your control, but often it is not.

What do you have the energy for?

The reality is, it might be essential, but you may not have the mental, emotional or physical capacity for it.

Each day for me is different like it is for you.

I have more energy on some days than others. Those are the days I plan my most important work.

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The One Thing that Can Destroy Your Dream

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Have you ever watched a person or a team reach a goal? It is one reason we love the stories during the Olympics or why we cry at the end of Miracle or Rocky. 

Have you ever been to a 50th wedding anniversary? The excitement, passion, and love the couple has for each other is incredible.

On the flip side, have you ever watched a person give up on a goal? Maybe give up on losing weight, decide that school was too hard, that their marriage was too far gone? It is sad to watch someone give up.

What is the difference? I believe it is one thing.

All of us have a vision for our lives. And many times, we unknowingly destroy it on our own or let someone else do it.

If you look back on a failed vision or dream, you might be able to see it.

Think about a relationship that ended or on its way to ending. What killed it? It started somewhere; one thing led to the entire downfall.

I know what you’re thinking, “Josh, one thing can’t destroy everything.”

But the reality is all dreams and goals that are missed and destroyed go back to one thing.

Every leader you have ever loved or loved to follow had it.

Every relationship you were in that was healthy had it.

Every leader you have not loved to follow lacked it.

It is the one thing that separates them from others.

That thing is moral authority.

Moral authority is the one thing you can’t live without if you want to see your vision or dream come to be. Without, your influence is short lived.

Moral authority is the relationship other people see between what you say and what you do.

According to Andy Stanley, Moral authority is the result of a commitment to do what’s right. Regardless.

Moral authority is the result of a commitment to do what’s right. Regardless. -Andy Stanley

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No amount of skill, charisma or talent makes up for lack of moral authority.

Moral authority and integrity are the same. Integrity is being whole, not being divided.

We’ve all seen people with moral authority lose it.

But how?

Guardrails

To build moral authority, you have to set up guardrails.

Guardrails on a highway going up a mountain keep a car from going off the cliff. With them in place, you may crash, but you hopefully won’t die.

In life, guardrails are the decisions you make ahead of time.

For me, I have made decisions to maintain my moral authority. Things like how I spend my time, reading my bible, make sure I have accountability in my life, and people know about my inner world. This includes things like Katie having my passwords, setting up restrictions on my phone, thinking ahead about who I meet with, where we meet, etc.

But where does moral authority come from?

According to Stanley, Moral authority comes from 3 places: character, sacrifice and time.

Moral authority comes from 3 places: character, sacrifice and time. -Andy Stanley

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Character

This means your life matches your talk; you are the same person everywhere in your life.

The person with moral authority is committed to doing the right thing.

Are you willing to surrender your life, career, marriage, purity, relationships to God’s way?

Your character is who you are when no one is around.

People are more convinced by what you do than what you say.

Here are some questions for you to see where your character is:

  • How do you respond when someone takes “your parking spot?”
  • How do you respond to slow internet?
  • How do you respond to critics?
  • Do you ever read social media and think, “these people are idiots?”
  • What do you do when you are done unloading your shopping cart at the grocery store?

Sacrifice

You will give something up for moral authority. Sometimes these will feel like losses and at other times it won’t. I remember when I got married at 22 and friends asked me if I realized I was sacrificing the “fun” single life of parties and trips (their ideas of fun). I shrugged because I didn’t see it as a sacrifice.

Any healthy relationship you see, you see two people who have chosen to give something up. It’s the only way forward.

Any healthy relationship you see, you see two people who have chosen to give something up.

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We sacrifice all kinds of things. We sacrifice time with family for work, we sacrifice work for family time, and we sacrifice our bodies so they will look a certain way. The question isn’t if you will make sacrifices, you will make sacrifices to get what matters to you. The question is, will it be the right sacrifice and lead to moral authority.

This means you are willing to do the right thing, no matter what it means.

When you make a sacrifice for something you believe in, it gives you moral authority.

Time

Moral authority is built over time. This is our problem though; we want it developed now. Today.

Our culture is so focused on shortcuts. I got hit up recently by two friends about how to make more money, marketing ideas. We’re convinced there’s a shortcut somewhere, but there isn’t.

Moral authority is built over a lifetime but can be destroyed in a moment.

Moral authority is built over a lifetime but can be destroyed in a moment.

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Remember: Moral authority is the result of a commitment to do what’s right. Regardless.

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How to Love Difficult to Love People

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Have you noticed that there are people in the world that are hard to love?

I know. Surprising isn’t it!

People disappoint us on a daily basis.

The people closest to us will often give us the deepest and most painful scars.

You disappoint people.

You will give the deepest and most painful scars to those closest to you.

For most people, we look past it, shrug and keep moving.

Yet, there is so much more to be had in relationships.

In Matthew 5:44 Jesus makes a startling statement, to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

What’s telling about this verse is, first, we will have enemies. We will have people who persecute us.

As I thought about this verse this past week, I was blown away by how often I’m surprised by this. We all are. But in reading Matthew 5, it seems like we shouldn’t be surprised by it.

Jesus doesn’t tell us why we will have enemies or persecution, only that we will and what to do when it happens.

Don’t be surprised when you have enemies.

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Now, some enemies come along because we make them and do something to hurt someone else. Some enemies come because of sin and evil in the heart of another.

What do we do with enemies? What do we do with people who hurt us? Make life difficult?

We pray for them.

Are you praying for the people in your life who are difficult to love?

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Notice that prayer and love are connected, so you get the idea that Jesus isn’t talking about calling down the wrath of God or thunderbolts, but praying as you would for someone you loved. Which means you’d pray for their good, their blessing.

Let’s stop here.

This is often the last thing we want to do.

This is hard and painful.

Why do this?

Jesus tells us so we can reflect the Father.

Have you ever wondered, What is it like to be on the other side of me?

What is it like to be on the other side of me?

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If you’re a follower of Jesus, the answer to that question should be, “It’s like being with God the Father.”

Can you picture the relationship that is the hardest for you? The person who is hardest to love?

Every relationship has a tough season and hard times, and sometimes those go on for a while. Things irritate us and hurt us — words, silence, and looks, distance.

Every relationship book will tell you the same thing, the way we keep intimacy in a relationship is what happens once something is broken, the next move.

What does Jesus tell us in Matthew 5?

Love, go the extra mile, do the unexpected, allow that friend to take advantage of your generosity.

What is amazing about all of this is that it is unexpected, but it is also something you decided ahead of time. They didn’t do it, you did. You chose it.

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How to Love Those Who Mean the Most to You

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Every marriage and relationship is different, and every person is different. But every marriage and relationship have one thing in common, a desire to be closer and to be more in love.

Throughout the day we send out signals, what one author called “bids.” We’ll ask people if they saw the game last night, if they watched that show, read that blog, what they’re doing this weekend.

Why?

To connect.

While some couples may feel distant and feel like the fun and love have worn off from their marriage, it is never too late.

I’m always sad whenever I hear couples talk as if their marriage is as good as it can get. We feel the same about friendships. At least I have someone to watch the Super Bowl with. Could be worse!

So, how do you build love back into a loveless marriage? How do you rekindle love that feels like it has worn out? How do you feel more fulfilled and happier in your marriage?

How do you love those closest to you?

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Honestly, it isn’t as hard as you might think.

The next time you are with your spouse or friend, ask them: What is one thing I can do to make your life more enjoyable? To make you feel more loved? To lessen the stress in your life?

Ask your spouse: What is one thing I can do to make your life more enjoyable?

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The answers from your spouse might be: to have coffee ready in the morning, to pick up your clothes, to pick up the kids at school, to have dinner ready by a certain time, to have a meal plan for the week, cleaning up the kitchen before going to bed, no smartphones after 8pm. It might be more affection, more date nights, more time alone for mom, more sex, more talking, more face to face activities (what women enjoy), or more shoulder to shoulder activities (which men enjoy). It might be a huge request or a small one.

Ask your spouse: What can I do to bring down the stress level in your life?

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Your friend might say, “Let me pick what we do. Stop talking to me like that. Say yes to help me next time I ask.”

A few years ago Katie and I were beginning to feel like we had settled into a routine in our marriage, and we wanted to shake out of it. So we asked each other this in a conversation. We began to see how we had taken the other for granted and what would begin building back into our relationship. Revisiting this conversation can be incredibly helpful for couples.

Now a word of warning. There is a chance that what your spouse or friend will say is something you don’t want to do or think you are already doing, and they should be grateful for what you do. It can be easy to blow off what they say because you don’t want it. This response can be destructive to your relationship because your spouse or friend will probably not mention it again, and a divide will begin in your relationship.

As you move forward from this conversation, try it out for a week. See how it goes. Try it out for a month and then evaluate it. You may find it isn’t so bad. Your spouse may decide they really don’t want what they requested as much as they thought.

In the end, you are moving towards the other person and showing love to them in a way that makes sense to them, and that is never a bad thing.

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3 Things that Make a Great Marriage

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Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen, although we think they do. We think two people magically just work together, never fight, never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right all of a sudden seem all wrong?

Here are five ways relationships go from working to broken:

5 reasons marriages stop working.

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1. It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, and putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work.

2. It hurts too much to face their past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad, your mom, they said words similar to an abuser or someone who you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and in the power of Jesus see it redeemed. Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work and can be incredibly painful. In any argument you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we actually fighting about this? What are we really fighting about? Who am I really fighting with?”

3. They’re lazy and selfish, they want the other person to do all the work and all the changing. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy. Serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first takes work. Often, too, we want the other person to put in the work to become the healthy person while we stay unhealthy. “I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with my hurt.”

4. They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes people are in an unhealthy relationship because they think they are less sinful than the other person. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this, but they hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn up their noses at the thought of putting in the hard work to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault, but deep down they are the least sinful person they know.

5. Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone. You might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation does mean that you don’t hold it against the person anymore, that you don’t bring up the past. You stop saying, “Remember…?”

5 things that hurt a marriage.

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So what do healthy couples do?

They do many things, but here are a few:

1. They grow close to Jesus. This may seem obvious, but if you stray from Jesus, stop reading your Bible, feel your relationship with Jesus suffer, lots of things go wrong. Your desire to fight sin goes down. Your desire to serve your spouse goes down. Your desire to love your spouse goes down. Your desire to stay pure goes down, all because of one thing. Couples who make it to the end keep God at the center of their marriage. They grow together spiritually, they take control of their spiritual lives and don’t leave it to chance. They read solid books together, they pray together, they have a plan for how they will disciple their kids (they don’t leave that to chance either). They attend church together, are in a Christian community and serve to use their gifts and talents. God is not some figure that appears periodically in their marriage but is what the marriage and family revolve around. Men are asking how they can help their wife grow and become all that God has called her to be.

2. They protect their marriage. This is something couples kind of stumble through. They take their vows, wear rings, but too many don’t protect themselves when it comes to their minds, hearts and eyes. Yes, they make sure not to sleep with someone they aren’t married to, but everything else is fair game. A couple who lasts does not do that. The only thing on their menu is their spouse. They protect their eyes, they aren’t looking at porn, they aren’t fantasizing about that girl at work or the guy in the movie. They aren’t dreaming about their romance novel, they aren’t acting out (even with their spouse) in their mind. They act out with their spouse (and only their spouse). They make sure nothing will tear them and their spouse apart.

This isn’t just about vows and promises but about the priority you place on your relationship compared to other relationships. Your kids matter and you love them, but your kids come after your marriage. One of the fastest ways to go from a great marriage to being roommates is placing your kids above your spouse. One day your kids will be gone, and you will have only your spouse. At this point, most couples split because they no longer need to stay together for the kids, and they have nothing in common. Don’t let that happen. This doesn’t mean you neglect your kids and not do anything with them, but it means they come after your marriage. If you’re not sure where you stand on this, here are 10 ways to know you are putting your kids in front of your marriage.

3. They pursue each other. Pursuit is what got you married (because you started pursuing when you dated). Pursuit is what keeps a marriage healthy, and pursuit is the first thing to go out the window of most marriages. The couples who last don’t leave this to chance. They make time for their spouse, they have a yearly getaway with their spouse, weekly date nights and they do fun things with their spouse. I’ve never had a couple who did this tell me they regretted it. I’ve had lots of couples tell me how they long for this. Here are some ideas for doing date night at home, some rules we have for date night and some help for when date night falls apart.

Know that affection is the first thing to go and fight against that. Affection is what goes first. Kissing when you say goodbye, holding hands, snuggling. Life is busy, you know your spouse, you have them now, your kids are climbing all over you, you are running late, you are tired and want to sleep, you are worried if you snuggle he will want sex and you just want to go to sleep. All of these things happen to couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other at one time. Fight this. When you kiss, kiss for 5-10 seconds. Throw some tongue in when you are just saying hello or goodbye. Gross your kids out. Hold hands in the car. Kiss at a red light. Snuggle at night. I’ve said this before and people tell me I’m wrong, but I’m not: the amount of sex you have, the amount of affection you have, is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is. Show me a couple with little affection and little sex, and I will show you a couple going in opposite directions.

3 Things that Make a Great Marriage.

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The relationships that are healthy and growing take intentionality, and they take specific choices. Otherwise you drift into unhealthiness.

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The Power of Sex and Our Longing for Intimacy

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Many times in our lives we underestimate the power of sexuality, ours and those around us. We underestimate our desires, longings, addictions and past sexual histories.

When you read Scripture, you see that we are created for relationships, for intimacy. We are created for knowing and we long for that. Yet, our culture has connected sex, love, and intimacy and made it a big mess.

You can be intimate with someone without having sex. You can have sex with someone without being intimate.

Sex, love, and intimacy aren’t the same things.

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This confusion has led many of us to look for intimacy in places we can’t find it.

We look for it in sexual relationships outside of marriage, affection from co-workers, emotional relationships outside of marriage and porn.

Often I’ll hear people say, “Believing sex outside of marriage is wrong is so prudish, so old-fashioned. Doesn’t everyone have sex before marriage, out of marriage, look at porn?” Here’s my question, “Has sex outside of marriage made your life better? Has looking at porn made your life and relationships richer? More meaningful? Deeper? Has cheating on your spouse made your life better? Less stressful?” The answer is no. But we think it will, so we do it.

Where it Begins

It is important to understand where this begins.

Why?

1 Thessalonians says: For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.

We must understand as best as we can where our sexual desire got off track. For many of us, that got off track at a young age and in a painful memory.

Having sex as a teenager, being raped, abused, or molested. It was the discomfort we felt when friends pressured us to kiss someone, or struggling with same sex attraction and not being sure what it meant.

Too often in Christian circles we read verses like Matthew 5:27 – 30 on lust and adultery and look for ways to battle them, which is important, but we rarely understand where they came from.

Yet, if we don’t desire holiness and purity, if we don’t understand where things became broken, we won’t know what to fix or what we’re even trying to get to.

For me, this is facing what I learned about sex at a sleepover when I was 11, and the dad brought down a box filled with porn and said to us, “It’s about time you boys learn about this.” I need to look at what that taught me, how that shaped me and changed me. How has that impacted my way of relating to others over the last 27 years?

What is often the most painful about this looking back is we see what was taken from us.

Redemption and Sexuality

Many times we’ll struggle with this question: If God is in control, why didn’t he stop that? Why did he allow that first experience? This is a heart-wrenching question.

As a follower of Jesus, according to the New Testament, you are in Christ. You were in Christ before the foundation of the world. Ephesians 1 says that if you are saved, a follower of Jesus, redeemed, you were chosen before the foundations of the world, your eternity and hope were sealed before God created anything.

This means everything in our lives is ‘in Christ.’ Our joys and pains. All has been redeemed and is being made new. We only think about what we’re walking through right now, in the future or from the time that we became aware of Jesus. But there was a time before we were aware of Jesus that he was aware of us.

Being in Christ means that those painful moments, that abuse, pain, heartache, destruction, addiction, Jesus was not absent or somewhere else, but was with you. And, because he knows holiness, beauty and goodness, the way God intended things to be, he feels and knows your pain and my pain even deeper than we ever could, because he knows how it should be. This is what took him to the cross, to redeem and make new, that pain, that abuse, that destruction.

Being ‘in Christ’ means I have the power to battle all the sin I face and experience the life Jesus experiences with the Father.

I think it is interesting in Matthew 5 that Jesus puts anger/murder next to adultery/lust. Both destroy people, both rob people of life and joy.

What Jesus is pointing to is a greater righteousness and hope.

Many times when it comes to our love lives, dating, marriages, addictions, sexual histories, broken promises, broken commitments and broken hearts, we say, “There’s no hope.” The gospel of Jesus, the hope of Jesus says, “There’s always hope.”

Jesus came to make you whole. This doesn’t mean that your past, your hurt, the scars you carry on your body, heart, brain or soul disappear, but it does mean they change.

This is the invitation that Jesus has for us in Matthew 5. Do we trust that his picture of holiness is better than our picture of broken connection through our sexuality?

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How to Have Healthy Relationships

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All of us want healthy relationships.

Whether we’re married or not, we watch married couples and we think, “I’d hate that, I’ll never do that.” Or, “I like that.”

We watch parents, whether we have kids or not. We look at their relationships trying to discern what is working and what is not.

We then take those observations and apply them to our relationships.

Sometimes those results work, sometimes they don’t.

After decades of studying thousands of couples, Dr. John Gottman thinks he found the foundational, most important issue to a healthy relationship.

Trust.

He said, “What I found was that the number one most important issue that came up to these couples was trust and betrayal. Can I trust you to be there and listen to me when I’m upset? Can I trust you to choose me over your mother, over your friends? Can I trust you to work for our family? To not take drugs? Can I trust you to not cheat on me and be sexually faithful? Can I trust you to respect me? To help with things in the house? To really be involved with our children? Trust is one of the most commonly used words in the English language. It turns out that when social psychologists ask people in relationships, “What is the most desirable quality you’re looking for in a partner when you’re dating?”, trustworthiness is number one. It’s not being sexy or attractive. It’s really being able to trust somebody.”

We know this, but what does trust look like in relationships? How do we keep trust at the forefront so we have healthy relationships?

Trust comes into play when we have relational hurt or relationships fall apart.

How to have healthy friendships.

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Repairing of those relationships is more likely if we have relational change with that person and we have built into that person’s love bank or emotional tank. If we are constantly making withdrawals, trust is hard to repair.

In Matthew 5, as Jesus looks at relationships, He raises the stakes.

The religious leaders looked at the command of murder and saw murder. That was the end of keeping that commandment, don’t kill anyone, which is good advice.

Jesus raises the stakes of righteousness (Matthew 5:20) by saying that anyone who insults someone, has anger towards someone, wants to retaliate against someone, is the same as murder.

Jesus uses an interesting picture in verse 25 of Matthew 5, of being in prison. When we don’t deal with relational hurt, we are in a prison. We hold grudges, are bitter, and we’re stuck. This describes many of our relationships and hearts.

Stuck. Bitter. Hung up. Not moving forward.

Let me give you four questions that I think help us get to relational health:

How to have healthy relationships.

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1. What am I hurt about? What am I really angry at? Can you define what hurt you? Why is that relationship broken and not healthy? It might be with a spouse, child, friend, parent or boss.

Define what you are hurt about. What did they say? Do? How did that make you feel? Name your feelings. It might be afraid, hurt, lonely, isolated, run over by them. That you couldn’t stand up for yourself, or you couldn’t meet their standard.

2. Do I have any sin in this? This is crucial because many times we are angry because of sin and blind spots we have.

Did we do anything to cause the relational rift we have?

When it comes to your reaction to someone or a situation, a great question to ask is: Is my reaction proportional to the situation?

3. Am I dealing with it or simply talking to others about it? Many times when we’re hurt, we talk to everyone but the person who hurt us. One person, a spouse, a close friend, yes, so they can tell you when you’re being irrational or help you see things clearly, but broadcasting it on Facebook, telling everyone you come into contact with, is not healthy.

In fact, that’s gossip.

Bryan Miles said, “Gossip is taking your problem to someone who can’t do anything about it.”

Gossip is taking your problem to someone who can’t do anything about it. @bryanmiles

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4. What does moving forward look like? This is the goal. The goal is reconciliation for broken relationships, but reconciliation looks different for each relationship depending on what happened, what boundaries are healthy and what your heart can handle.

Why is this?

We are responsible for our part of every relationship we’re in.

We are responsible for our part of every relationship we’re in.

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When You’re Tempted to Quit Too Soon

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At some point, we are tempted to quit something.

It might be a job, a church plant, a team, a diet or workout plan, a book, a degree program or even a difficult marriage.

Why?

Because we’re human, and when things get difficult, many of us want to pack up and go home.

 

But what if on the other side of that difficulty is what we have longed for all along?

I think many times when we quit, we miss out on what God has for us.

Why do we quit?

Sacrifice.

It is hard.

Difficult.

Painful even.

Ross Perot said:

Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game one foot from a winning touchdown.

I think what often sets people apart is their ability to persevere in something when it is difficult.

If you watch great athletes, the ones who win the gold medal, hold up the trophy or score the winning point, you will often see someone who was willing to live through pain, hardship, and difficulty. What you don’t see is the workout at 4am, the eating plan they put themselves through, the saying “no” to a night out with friends to get 10 hours of sleep. You don’t see the 1,000 jump shots they took each day, the miles they swam or ran, or the weights they lifted beyond what even they thought they could do.

When you see a couple in their 50s laughing together and genuinely enjoying each other’s presence, what you don’t see are the sleepless nights because they wouldn’t go to bed angry but instead worked through that argument. The tension of dealing with past hurt and past baggage and bringing it all to light so they could move forward. The hours spent holding hands and praying together about facing the road ahead. You don’t see the hundreds and thousands of compliments and little annoyances they decided to overlook instead of making a big deal about it.

What is on the other side of that difficulty or hardship? Very likely the breakthrough you’ve been waiting for.

Most leaders are tempted to quit moments before their critical breakthrough. – Carey Nieuwhof

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But how do you know? How do you know if you should quit or keep moving, especially in a job like leadership?

Here are some things that I ask myself or encourage others to ask themselves:

Am I getting enough sleep? Often, but not always, the reason we are in a difficult season or want to quit is related to our sleep. When we are tired, we make poor eating choices, cut things out of our life that could be beneficial, have a short fuse with people and have a fogginess when it comes to our choices and thinking. This is why we often make better decisions in the morning instead of later in the afternoon.

Do I have enough outlets for stress? Leaders need outlets for stress – things that recharge them and help them keep going. Those outlets, when used correctly, will often help you stay the course. Things like sleeping, sabbath, eating well, working out, community. All of these are incredibly important to staying the course.

What led up to this season or desire to quit? A desire to quit often comes when we don’t know what else to do, but looking backward can be a helpful thing. Was there a leadership choice, a hire, a new launch that led to this season? Sometimes, we want to quit because we are running from something and a new opportunity or throwing in the towel is easier. Whenever a pastor calls me and says he’s thinking about leaving his church, the first question I ask him is, “What about your church is difficult right now?” Often, we are running from difficulty.

What does my community look like? It is easier to throw in the towel when we’re alone. Most sin happens in isolation. Community has a way of shining the light into places it needs to be. Many leaders leave a place because of isolation and loneliness.

What is my relationship with God like? Lastly, what is your relationship with God like? Too many pastors fall into, “God told me to leave” because it is hard to argue with. God may have called you to leave, but He may be telling you to endure as well. I can tell you that one is easier.

Only you know if you should quit something. You know what led to that season and choice, but you don’t know what’s on the other side of it. There have been many times in my over 10 years in Tucson that leaving would’ve been the easier choice, but each time I’ve stopped to ask myself these questions and others, I’m glad I kept walking in what God called me.

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Connecting with Your Kids and the Phases of Parenting

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This is a guest post from my wife Katie Reich based off of questions we often get about resources for connecting with your kids.

My life basically smells of dried catsup, loose leaf paper, and essential oils. When you have five kids, even doing “nothing” is busier than the average busy. Thankfully I love my kids and my life.

“Passionate and intentional adventure toward God” is a huge part of our family mission statement. To be honest, that isn’t always easy. With the life of a family of seven, just feeding, schooling, and refereeing can take up most of our day.

Finding resources that fit our family values and schedule is not always easy. About two years ago our church switched over to the Orange Curriculum.

It seemed like a good choice with some great handouts to encourage parent involvement and tools to help kids of all ages take their next step with God.

During that time I read “It’s Just a Phase” and dog-eared so many pages, all the while wishing there was a way to disseminate the information for each of my kids in an orderly and timely way without having to cross reference post-its, highlights and dog-eared pages. Well, Kristen Ivey and Reggie Joiner have done just that plus more in the “Parenting Your ….” guides.

How @theparentcue guides are helping us as parents.

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These guides are road maps to helping take what you know about your child combined with others their age, while encouraging you/me to become a more thoughtful and engaged parent.

Do yourself a favor and buy it the week of your child’s birthday….

  • if you don’t know what conversations to have with her.
  • if each year you wish you knew your child better physically, socially, mentally and emotionally.
  • if each year you want book, game and movie suggestions to create connections and a jumping point to help develop his emotional intelligence.
  • if you need a reminder of how long you have until she turns 18 and it scares you just a little.
  • if you want to create a plan to engage thoughtfully with him but don’t know where to start.
  • if life is busy and you want to really notice her and help her to grow.

You can order your copies here.

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How we Sabotage Relationships

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All of us have a relationship that isn’t what we wish. It might be that your marriage has hit a hard spot, or your relationship with a child or parent isn’t what you would like.

How does pride show up in relationships? Sometimes it is in ways we wouldn’t expect. Here are some examples:

  • You don’t know how or when to say no. You say yes to everything. You find yourself always wondering how to fit in time alone and time with people who matter to you.
  • Your view of yourself goes from extremes of amazing to worthless in a millisecond.
  • Not having time is never your fault but the fault of work or others’ demands or needs, but never your fault.
  • You want to be around influential people.
  • You think you know what other people want or need.
  • You like to be needed by people.
  • You think, “If you love me, you will know what I need or want. If you love me, you should be able to read my mind.”
  • You get angry when you’re not acknowledged for what you do.
  • You care a great deal what people think of you.
  • You become codependent.
  • You think, “I don’t need anyone.”
  • Self worth is tied to people needing you or complimenting you.
  • You like to save the day in relationships.
  • You don’t ask for help.
  • You get angry when people don’t say thanks or repay you for what you did.
  • You expect people to help without being asked.
  • You expect people to know all that you do at work, home and in relationships.
  • You give and give and give in relationships to the point that you burn out.
  • You don’t know who you are apart from others.
  • You become demanding in relationships.
  • You bulldoze through situations.
  • You don’t listen. You complete sentences without regard.
  • You blame others for your unhappiness.
  • You deflect in relationships instead of dealing with the issue.
  • You don’t say what you’re thinking or what you need. You make others guess or make them pay for not doing what you want.
  • You try too hard to win approval.

Where does that come from?

Craig Groeschel said, Pride is always born of our insecurities. When we don’t know who we are in Christ, we use pride to try to fill that void.

What’s the hope?

Truth and love.

In the writings of John in his gospel and 1, 2 and 3 John, he reminds us again and again of the importance of truth and love. Truth helps us to know who we are in the eyes of God, which is a humbling thing. We are humbled that we aren’t God but that we are loved and accepted through the work of Jesus.

John tells us throughout his writings that this change will be seen in our daily lives and our walk. (3 John 4)

It doesn’t mean you won’t struggle with the above list; it just means that you fight against pursuing it. You are able to let something go, you don’t work for the approval of others because you are approved through Jesus, and you can let go of hurts because you have been forgiven.

You are truly able to bring your whole self to a relationship instead of protecting yourself.