Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
Recently, I was talking with some leaders about the Enneagram, and someone said something about Enneagram 8’s. When I pressed a bit, they asked, “What do you wish people knew about 8’s?”
I’m an Enneagram 8.
In Enneagram terms, I’m known as the challenger, the protector, or the maverick, depending on who you follow in the Enneagram world. Often, 8’s are seen as domineering, bulldozer, and narcissistic. And we can be. All types can be those things but in more subtle ways.
I gave them a few answers, one I posted the other day.
But I decided to give it more thought because chances are you are married to an 8, you are an 8, or you are raising an 8, or you work for or with an 8.
As an 8, we often get a bad rap, especially in Christian circles. Other numbers like a 2 or 9 are often seen as “more Christlike” or gentle. But the truth is, God created each of us with our personalities for a reason. Don’t apologize for your personality, but don’t use that as an excuse to be unhealthy.
8’s will often be told they are too much, too strong, and too quick. And this can be true. It can also be true that those they work with or are married to aren’t strong and are passive and unwilling to engage in healthy conflict.
Here are 8 things that I wish people knew about Enneagram 8’s:
We can be vulnerable, just probably not with you. The wrap that 8’s get is that we struggle with vulnerability. And this is true. It is probably because someone used our vulnerability against us at some point; we are not sure how others will use or abuse it. Often, we fear appearing weak or being weak.
The healthier you are as an 8, the more you can be vulnerable with someone. As you’ll see below, 8’s are not vulnerable with many people, like some other personalities are. The reality for 8’s is that they need to be vulnerable with someone. Chances are, you work with an 8, are related to an 8, and would like them to open up more to you. Yes, you should voice that to them but also know they may be unable to deliver what you want in the relationship.
Anger isn’t our only emotion, but we feel safer there. Each personality type feels at home with different emotions. For an 8, that home is anger. The reason is that somewhere early in their life, this is how they learn to protect themselves and the ones they love.
Also, this is where 8’s need to grow, and you need to give grace to an 8.
When an 8 is passionate, they don’t feel angry. But their tone to everyone around them sounds angry. You need to point that out to an 8 gently. A healthy 8 needs to learn the power of the presence in a room and the power of the tone of their voice. It is more powerful than they often realize. I often try to raise my voice so it doesn’t sound as serious or angry to those around me, especially my wife and kids.
Our circle is small, and we’ll die for our circle. As I mentioned above, we have a small circle. While a 7 or a 2 may have an enormous circle of people, this is one of our differences. While it takes a long time to get into the inner circle of an 8 (in comparison to other personality types), once you’re in, you are in. We will do anything for someone in our circle.
We care deeply about almost anything (and will tell you). I remember talking to a friend who is a 9 once, and he said, “I don’t know, I don’t have an opinion on that.”
I looked at him and said, “What do you mean? I have opinions on everything, even things that I’m not in charge of or don’t matter.”
I’ll never forget his response, “I don’t think I could adequately explain it to you.”
That sums up an 8. We have an opinion on everything, care deeply about almost everything, and would love to tell you all about it. A healthy 8 needs to navigate what matters to them, what they feel deeply about, and what they need to let go of.
Things are hard for us; we don’t tell you. I’ve learned about myself over the years as a leader that I come across as if things aren’t a big deal or don’t hurt. Because 8’s were taught not to show fear or vulnerability at a young age, we learned that you pushed through things long ago. You’ll often hear an 8 say, “It is what it is.” That isn’t fatalistic but just their way of saying, this is the reality, so let’s get moving.
More than likely, in their life, they have been the ones to shoulder a lot of things. They learned they have big shoulders or feel like they are supposed to.
A healthy 8 can say when something is hard or too much. They need a safe person to say, “Life is really hard right now; things are really heavy right now.”
We have a lot of physical energy. I remember sitting in a workshop and hearing the leader say about 8’s, “They have twice the physical energy as everyone else.” 8’s are quick-minded and quickly know what they are thinking and want. And will often find themselves frustrated at what they perceive to be a lack of speed or buy-in from those around them. This can be hard for co-workers who don’t think as quickly on their feet or process things as fast as an 8. 8’s need to be aware of this reality, but so do those who work with them and learn how to speak up when an 8 is moving too quickly.
It isn’t a lack of buy-in; it is just everyone else trying to catch up to an 8.
If you are married to an 8, have an 8 for a child, or work with one, know they have a ton of physical energy. Whenever Katie and I travel, when we land, I want to go take a walk or work out because I have been sitting on a plane. It took us years to realize that I have more energy than others.
We don’t have a lot of emotional energy. In that same workshop, when the leader said an 8 has “twice the physical energy as everyone else,” he said, but “they have half the emotional energy as everyone else.”
This was a big aha for me personally but is often hard for others to understand about 8s. Because we are confident and get a lot done, we can come off as aloof or not caring. And while that is the unhealthy side of an 8, the reality is, we are saving our emotional energy because it runs out before other personality types.
People will often want an 8 to share as much as they share, but an 8 won’t do that, especially if they are a pastor (see the next point for why that is).
I have to be aware of where my tank is emotionally so that I can show up for the most important people in my life. I’ve had to learn how my emotional tank gets low and refueled. This is challenging if you are a pastor and an 8 because this is one area people expect pastors to be experts. If that’s you, be honest with yourself and those around you. Learn and surround yourself with people who understand you and compensate for your deficiencies.
Someone betrayed them somewhere along the way. Many 8’s had someone close to them betray them. This could be a parent, teacher, boss, or friend. Yes, this happens to all of us on some level, but as I’ve interacted with a lot of 8’s over the years, each of them can point to someone who was supposed to be there for them but wasn’t.
Another way I’ve seen this play out for 8’s is almost every 8 grew up too fast. Like all aspects of our childhood, this isn’t necessarily someone’s fault but just the way things went.
Through this, 8’s create a childhood vow never to be vulnerable, depend on someone, or to appear weak. They also learned (at least they think) that it is up to them to protect those around them, hence the name “protector” to describe an 8.
Yes, Enneagram 8’s can be a lot; we can get a lot done and sometimes be bulldozers. But we care deeply about justice, protecting the underdog, and helping people become all they should be. We can often see things before they happen and believe in people who can’t believe in themselves.
If you work for an 8, they might be hard to work with at times, but one thing you don’t see is how much protection they create for you in the organization and how many hits they take for you. Be patient if you are close to an 8 and they aren’t opening up as much as you’d like them. One day they will, but it will be slower than you’d like.
