Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

Recently, I was on a call with some younger leaders at a company, and a lot of the conversation centered around how to be successful in your 20s, what roadblocks you might hit and how to find a mentor.

We spent a lot of time talking about mentoring and coaching because it is a big part of what makes people successful.

But how do you find a mentor? How do you walk through that process?

We often put a lot of pressure on those relationships, which hangs us up sometimes and keeps us from finding the help we need.

The best mentoring relationships have three things in common:

1. They are intentional but organic.
2. They are relational.
3. Growth happens through conversations, not necessarily a curriculum.

While you will sometimes ask a mentor to walk with you, sometimes it will just happen.

They are relational, which means it should be someone you naturally connect with, and they connect with you. If that doesn’t exist, you will not get all of what you could out of the relationship, and one or both of you will end up frustrated.

While you can sometimes go through a curriculum, the best mentoring happens naturally through conversations. When you have them, come prepared with questions, put your phone away and take lots of notes.

Before getting to how to find one, let me give you a caution I’ve learned over the years: A mentor is someone further ahead of you in an area you want to grow in.

No one person can mentor you in every part of your life.

This is the problem we run into. We look for someone to be the end-all, be-all for us.

When someone asks for a mentor, I explain this to them and then ask a series of questions:

What are one or two areas you want to grow in as you think about your life in the next 3, 6, or 12 months? This could be finances, prayer, marriage, boundaries, health, etc.

Why do you think I can help you? I want to know why they think I can help them. Not because I want to pump up my ego, but I want to know they’ve done their homework on me and didn’t just throw a dart at the wall and pick the closest person.

What are you doing, or have you tried to grow in this area? Often, not always, but often people seek a mentor because they are lazy. I want to know what books or blogs this person has looked at in this area. Are they actively seeking to grow in this area or just hoping to rub off on the success from someone? This leads to the last part.

How much time are you willing to put into this? Anything worth doing will take time. You won’t grow in handling finances, health, marriage, career, preaching, etc., without putting in time and effort. This is a commitment you, as the person getting mentored, make. The mentor is coming along for the ride, and if I, as the mentor, am not convinced you are into the ride, I’m getting off.

If you are worth your salt as a leader, person, or pastor, you will often be asked to mentor people. You must be selective about who you mentor because you are giving up one of your most precious commodities, your time. If you are asking to be mentored, to succeed and have it worthwhile, you need to do your homework and be willing to put in the work. There is nothing more exciting than working with someone who wants to grow in an area and helping them do that.

We can’t become the person we are to become without relationships with older, more mature people in our lives.

Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash

When we find ourselves in difficult seasons, whether of our own doing or someone else or even the world around us, we often ask why. We try to make sense of it and look for reasons. But during a situation, it is hard to see any reason. Only with distance can an explanation come into focus; a lesson could start to make sense for us.

Eighteen months ago, I knew my time in my role in Tucson was done. The problem was, I didn’t know where my new position would be, what part of the country we’d be in, what kind of church I’d be working in or what my role on that team would be.

I was aimless, frustrated, depressed, anxious, and angry.

I remember telling a mentor that I was frustrated at my job, wanting something more and different. This frustration was primarily built around the reality that I was done there, but it wasn’t public knowledge. 

He told me, “If you let it, this will make you a better pastor because many church members are frustrated with their lives and jobs. Most of the people you preach to want something more and different.”

I’ve thought about this a lot over the last 18 months. It has enormous implications for our leadership, counseling, and preaching.

But how?

1. Don’t run from difficulty. We are a culture that is built around comfort. We do everything in our power to avoid pain and hardship. I’m not suggesting that you look for pain and difficulty or that hard times will be fun, but they are beneficial if you learn from them.

First, you need some people who will walk with you through the difficulty. Who will ask you hard questions, listen to you, pray with you and for you, and be your friend. 

2. Engage your feelings in the difficulty. For you, this might be easy. It is challenging for me to engage my feelings and something I have had to spend a lot of time working on and learning how to do. I thrive on simply getting things done and moving through things. Much of my life has been spent not dealing with what’s happening in me.

Over the last several years, that has started to change by God’s grace, some good counsel, and a loving wife. Over the last few years, I have engaged with what God is doing in me, what feelings I am feeling, and what they are trying to show me. 

This is so crucial in the midst of difficulty. 

Name your feelings: sadness, anger, frustration, betrayal, hurt, dismay, whatever they might be. Figure out why you are feeling those things, what has led to it, and what is happening that is making you feel that way.

Then, you can evaluate your feelings. Don’t dismiss them, but evaluate them. 

3. Process it. Most of the time, as we walk through life, we walk through life. We don’t step back and process it, especially the difficult and painful moments. My frustration with a job is nowhere near the same pain or difficulty as losing a loved one or being given difficult medical news. But the principles still connect.

Over the last year, I have been processing the lessons God taught me in Tucson. The things he wanted me to learn about Him, myself, others, leadership, and the church. It has been incredibly fruitful as I have worked through that. 

The reality is, I could not be where I am, be the pastor, leader, and preacher that I am without that season. Now, I didn’t know that at the time; I was just angry (because, as an Enneagram 8, that is natural and protects me), but I needed all of that time. 

And chances are, you might need it as well if you don’t waste it.