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It is hard to believe that it is the middle of Summer. Honestly, it feels like it’s almost over as we get closer to our two oldest heading to college in August, but we’ll hold on to as many sunny beach days as we can in New England.
If you are new to my blog or missed some posts this past year, here are the top 10 posts of the year so far to help you catch up on your summer reading!
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At some point in your leadership as a pastor, you will have a staff member, elder, deacon or volunteer resign and say, “I’m done.” It might happen suddenly, as if out of nowhere. It might be mutually a good idea. It may be hard to accept, or it may be a hidden blessing. Regardless of the situation, there are some things you can do to honor them, communicate it in a way that benefits both the person leaving and the organization, and move forward.
Many churches struggle in this area because there is the balancing act of sharing what happened behind closed doors, honoring the person who is leaving, and answering questions people might have who weren’t involved. What makes churches even more challenging than a secular company is the reality of “being the family of God.” How do you fire someone who is part of the family? Because of this, the feelings involved become complicated very quickly. Churches usually either act completely like a public company and use an NDA, or they hold on to someone too long.
Regardless, at some point, you will have someone resign or you will have to let someone go.
Here are 8 ideas to navigate that so that it can be helpful for you as the leader, for the person leaving, and for your church:
1. Find out the whole story from the person. When people leave a situation, they tend not to tell the entire story. They will often tell their boss or ministry leader only what they’re comfortable sharing or what they think the other person wants to hear. Do as much as you can to find out exactly what happened and why they are leaving. Find out what is underneath things and keep digging. This will help you to learn as a leader if you did something wrong or if there is something unhealthy in your church. Avoid simple Christian clichés if possible; instead, ask them to explain it. Too often in these situations, because they are difficult, people in a church environment hide behind “God told me, God is moving me,” etc.
They might not be willing or able to share the whole story with you as their boss, and that is okay. Don’t pressure them. But ask curious questions and listen. Hidden in their frustration or hurt might be some things that you, as a leader, need to learn or things your church needs to face.
2. Honor them and what they’ve done publicly as much as possible. The person leaving has done a lot for your church, whether you want to admit it or not. Even though it is difficult and hurts, honor them. They’ve meant something to you, your church, and others. Honor them. Thank them. Give people a chance to say thank you. People care deeply about how much you honor someone. This gives you an opportunity to demonstrate to others how your church treats people. Someday, your church may treat you the way you treat leaders who have transitioned out of their roles.
As people come up to you, the pastor staying, and share with you how much that person meant to them, or share their frustration and hurt at leaving, don’t get jealous or angry. The ability to differentiate your emotions in this moment is incredibly important.
3. Say what only needs to be said publicly. If sin is involved, relational strife, poor job performance or anything else that is difficult, you don’t need to put that out there. I’m not suggesting that you lie or take an arrow for someone else’s sin or stupidity; you just don’t need to share everything with them. Each situation will dictate what you say. Over the years in the churches I’ve worked in, we’ve had people leave on their own, staff members we’ve let go, had elders or staff members who disqualified themselves, and because each situation is different, it has changed what we said publicly. If the person leaving is not a well-known on-stage figure in the ministry, don’t bring them on stage to say goodbye. Discuss it in the places where this person has touched and affected others.
This one is hard because no matter what you say publicly, it will not be enough for someone in your church. Do your best if you can to answer those questions personally. I always do my best to meet with anyone who wants to meet with me to answer questions in these situations. You should include another leader or elder with you so that you don’t miss something, and that person can also help you navigate your emotions in these meetings.
4. Publicly, focus on the future. When you make the public announcement and have thanked the person or explained what happened, spend as much time as possible focusing on the future and how things will not fall apart. I would say in the “official” announcement, you need to spend 80% of the time on the future. Show people that you are moving forward, and the ministry or church will survive.
This might feel callous to those who were close to the person leaving. And that is real and an important feeling.
Depending on the person, there is also a whole segment of your church that will shrug when someone leaves. As the leader, you are balancing both of these feelings and thoughts.
5. Be honest publicly and privately. As a pastor, don’t lie. Every fact doesn’t need to be shared, but don’t lie. In private, don’t make things up, don’t bash the person. Have one person you are venting to if it’s a difficult situation, who is speaking into your heart on the situation, but don’t have a team of people you are venting to.
Also, as the leader, you should have someone who loves you who is giving you feedback on your ability to hear what others are saying, how you are responding, and how you are coming across.
6. Honor them financially. Whatever the situation, you are called to shepherd them and care for them. Go above and beyond financially in terms of salary and insurance. Once, we relocated a pastor who had been with us for three months back to Indiana. He wasn’t a fit, and everyone knew it quickly, and they had just moved, so we felt the honorable thing was to move them back to where they came from. Sometimes you give months of salary and benefits, sometimes you give a week. Again, it depends on the situation. One rule of thumb I’ve used is: if this became public, what would people think of us and how we’ve handled this, and what we gave the person? Another way to think about it is, would I want the same treatment I am giving this person?
Again, you are a church and not a business. So while some business principles might apply here, you also need to handle things differently. You need to steward things for your church.
7. Create a transition plan as quickly as possible. Don’t wait to decide what is next for the ministry. Grieve what is happening, find out the story, and start on a plan. Don’t wait around. If you are the lead pastor or the leader of a ministry area, take the lead and get this done. People will want to know the ship is being steadied and you are moving forward.
Transitions are the seasons when people can leave your church, momentum can be lost, or it can be a moment to move in a new direction and experience new energy and vision.
8. Transition them as quickly as possible. This last one will seem unloving because it is a church environment. When someone says, “I’m done,” they’ve likely been feeling that way for weeks or possibly months; they’ve just now verbalized it. This means their passion is gone, their calling is gone, and they are done. Getting them out of their role as quickly as possible, in the long run, is the best thing for them and the ministry. Staying around for 3-12 months doesn’t benefit anyone. Make a plan, honor them, take care of them, and move them on as quickly as possible.
These situations are sticky, and they are all different. As a leader, you will walk through this too many times to count. Each one hurts. They are people you’ve invested in, loved, cared for, and worked with, and watching them leave always feels personal. You either feel like you did something wrong, missed signs, hired the wrong person, or were lied to or let down. Grieve the situation. Learn as much as you can and move forward to become better and resolve the situation.
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Every pastor knows this feeling.
Imagine you are sitting across the table from someone in your church—a person you have led to Christ and baptized. They are involved in the life of your church and dedicated to the mission, and they say, “We’re leaving.”
When this moment hits, especially if you didn’t see it coming, it feels like the world is spinning.
Edwin Friedman said, “A major difficulty in sustaining one’s mission is that others who start out with the same enthusiasm will come to lose their nerve. Mutiny and sabotage came not from enemies who opposed the initial idea, but rather from colleagues whose will was sapped by unexpected hardships along the way.”
This, by far, is one of the most painful realities of leadership and ministry. To have the people closest to you bail before the end.
This occurs for various reasons. Life situations change, and now they can’t go with you. Their theology or passions change. It may require more than they have to give.
To be clear, the reasons that people stop working with you or trying to accomplish the mission are not all evil. But they all still hurt.
Talk to any pastor or church planter, and they can tell you a story of someone who said, “I’ll be there til the end,” and they weren’t.
I remember when we started our church in Tucson and one person from our launch team told me, “I’ll be here as long as you’re here.” Ten years later, they were at a different ministry. Now, it was an amicable ending, and we are still friends, but it stung deeply.
The reason this stings is that you have been in the trenches with this person. You have prayed and wept with this person. You have celebrated the highs of ministry and life, and you have sat through the valleys together. You have baptized them or people in their family, and been at gravesides with this person to bury their parents or children. You have vacationed with this person and helped this person move. You have watched their kids grow up and launch out into the world. In short, you have walked a long road with this person.
And then one day, they aren’t there.
This cuts deeply not just for the leader but for everyone involved. Your spouse has now lost a friend, someone they vacationed with, and perhaps they will now bump into them at the store or on the soccer field. Your kids wonder what ever happened to so-and-so and why their family doesn’t attend our church anymore.
It is one reminder after another.
And as a pastor, you wonder what you did wrong. Is there something you could’ve done to change their mind?
And there will also come a moment, or several, in your leadership, when you wonder how many more of these transitions you can take. I recall speaking with one leader who, through tears, said to me, “I’m not sure I can handle another transition on my team.”
That’s leadership.
That’s life.
If you are a church planter or pastor, you’ll have someone look you in the eye and say, “I’ll be here until the end.” And you have to believe them. You can’t think, “We’ll see…”
[Tweet “If you are a church planter or pastor, you’ll have someone look you in the eye and say, “I’ll be here until the end.” And you have to believe them. You can’t think, “We’ll see…”]
Because if you do, you will give the enemy an opening.
Now, that doesn’t mean you are naive and blindly trust everyone.
So, what do you do as a pastor?
Prepare for the transitions. Know that transitions will come. Don’t be surprised when someone walks in and says, “We’re leaving. I’m resigning.” Do your best as you navigate these moments and the tensions that they create.
Enjoy the people you have. It is easy to close your heart off after a fellow leader has hurt you. This will feel natural, but don’t. Fight against this.
This doesn’t mean that you bare your soul to everyone who joins your team, but don’t let someone in your present suffer for what someone in your past did.
Create relationships not connected to your church. Ensure you have friendships with other pastors or individuals who don’t work for you. Yes, be friends with people on your staff and in your church, but also make sure you balance that with people you don’t work with so that when a leadership transition comes, you don’t lose all your friends.
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Regularly, if you listen to podcasts or attend conferences, you will hear statistics about the pace of ministry, the number of pastors who are burning out, struggling in their roles, leaving ministry, and so on. Ministry, like all jobs, is busy. There is always more to do than there is time in a day. We rush from one meeting or fire to the next, and when we return to our desks, we find another email waiting that opens up a new opportunity or problem to solve.
Throw in writing sermons, creating discipleship curriculum or classes, meeting with people and counseling them, planning weddings and funerals, and many pastors fall into bed at night and wonder, “What did I really accomplish today?”
Ruth Haley Barton, in her excellent book Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership: Seeking God in the Crucible of Ministry, poses some thought-provoking questions for busy leaders. Questions that I think, if we take time to answer, will help us see what God is doing and ultimately, where to put our time and effort.
What Barton wants us to see is what is really happening in our souls. Because what happens in your soul sets the course for your leadership and church.
How much am I paying attention, really? Many of us, because of the pace of life and the amount of technology and information we consume, only pay attention to what is right in front of us or the next thing on our list. While that can be important in certain moments and seasons, that is not sustainable.
The most significant insights for your life and leadership, the next big idea, the breakthrough in a conversation only happen in spaces where time is able to be given to thinking, processing, asking questions, praying, and listening.
Do you see the people around you who are hurting? Are you able to notice the person in the meeting who isn’t speaking up or seems “a bit off?” As a pastor, do you rush through the lobby on a Sunday morning thinking of your sermon or the meeting after church, or are you able to linger and be present with people?
Too often, as pastors, we focus on the tasks of ministry because we can cross those off. However, while those are part of ministry, they are not the most significant aspect of ministry, which is being present with people.
Do I have enough give in my schedule to be able to turn aside and pay attention when there is something that warrants it? This is connected to the first question.
Is there space in your soul and life for God to speak and move? Many times, we want God to speak and move in our lives, but for him to do so, he’d have to catch up to us because we are rushing so quickly through things.
Do you take time each day for God to speak to you? Are you living with such an awareness that you can notice when the Holy Spirit tugs or moves?
Which leads into question three…
Could it be because I am moving so fast that I do not have time to turn aside and look? A simple way to think about this question is to ask when the last time was that you noticed something and changed directions. Can you point to the last time that you heard God speak to you, or saw the movement of the Spirit around you?
If you can’t think of a time that has happened recently, then you are moving too quickly.
That should be a blinking red light that you are moving too quickly through life.
For most of us, silence and stillness are intimidating practices to engage in. The pace of our lives keeps the voices at bay. When we slow down, memories begin to surface, reminding us of things said and unsaid. However, quietness is also crucial for bringing up places we need to pay attention to or relationships we need to work on.
Do I even have mechanisms in my life that create space for paying attention, so that I don’t miss the places where God himself is trying to communicate to me? Barton closes with the self-awareness question.
Do you know how God speaks to you? Do you have things in place to make sure you have the opportunity to notice God at work and His speaking to you?
While God speaks in a variety of ways to us, for many of us, there is a consistency to how God speaks based on background and personality.
As you head into the summer, these questions can be a great diagnostic tool to ask how you are doing in hearing the voice of God and making space for Him to work in your life.
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Picture this: You just got a job at a church. You have decided to leave your last ministry, gone through the interview process, sold your house, packed up, and moved your family. You are excited and a little scared, but ready to go.
What do you do first?
Your first steps determine how your ministry goes at that church. The phrase “you only get one shot at a first impression” comes to mind. And that first impression will become a lasting impression.
Often, pastors come to a new church thinking they have all the answers. After all, they got the job and must be the answer person. In many ways, the church does look to the pastor for the answers, to know the vision and where the church is going.
The problem for new pastors is that they don’t know what they don’t know.
One of the things I did in my first six months at CCC was interview almost 50 people. I met with people who had been at the church for decades and ones who had started in the last six months. I talked with people who were long-time Christians, some new Christians, and a few exploring the faith.
My goal was to learn as much as possible about the church from those in it.
I asked them the same 8 questions:
As I listened, I started to get a sense of the story of the people in CCC and the story of CCC from the perspective of the people who lived it.
When you talk with a search firm that is leading a job search, you hear what they want you to hear. It isn’t wrong or false, but it is often incomplete. Because the search firm doesn’t live in the area or attend the church week in and week out.
Additionally, when a new pastor comes, he will often want to change the church’s mission, vision, and strategy. Sometimes, this needs to be done quickly; other times, it might be best to wait. As I listened to people’s answers, I started to get a sense of what God had not only done in the life and history of CCC, but also what God might be calling us into next. I was able to start saying back to the staff, elders, and leaders, “This is what I hear people saying, does that sound right to you?”
Too often, we take our vision from what another church did or the last thing we heard in a podcast. That can be a good thing, but I think there is something unique that God wants to do in and through a particular church. That is why He has brought together that group of people in that place at this time.
The job of the leaders is to come together with the people to discern that.
What was amazing to me was how many answers were the same in terms of how people answered these questions.
Recently, in one of my classes at Fuller, this question was posed:
Reflect on the “crisis of discipleship” revealed during the COVID-19 pandemic. How might thinking of the crisis of discipleship as an adaptive challenge shape your approach to the spiritual formation work of churches? And how might the development of adaptive capacity help better equip the Church for its formative task?
Adaptive challenges and technical challenges are not the same thing. Thinking of discipleship as a technical challenge would involve meeting and brainstorming new classes or groups. What kind of new studies or sermon series might you come up with to address the crisis in front of you?
Adaptive challenges require new behaviors, new ways of thinking, and letting go of old ways and old modes. They will also require loss and grief as you enter a new world, one Tod Bolsinger calls canoeing the mountains.
The crisis of discipleship revealed in churches during COVID-19 is that separating discipleship from mission has stunted our growth as disciples and the health of churches. If the goal of discipleship, as seen in most churches, is “the more you know about God, the more you know God or the closer you are to God,” COVID-19 revealed that it is not true. As churches, we have made discipleship primarily about what is in our heads, rather than about our whole person, thereby separating discipleship from mission.
Considering this crisis from the perspective of adaptive change involves confronting the notion that discipleship and mission are not separate but are interconnected, forming two sides of the same coin. Discipleship is about transforming the whole person, which leads to our mission in this world. According to writers like Ruth Haley Barton and Jim Herrington, this is a “deeper soul change.” Meeting God in the desert or “crucible of ministry and life.” Much of our discipleship talk and formation in churches has not prepared our people to navigate the desert and the dark night of the soul. My guess is that many pastors in America have not navigated their own desert or dark night of the soul, but that is a different post.
During COVID-19, we returned to our technical change tool belt to do what we’ve always done. If our discipleship was about justice, we focused on justice; if it was about serving or “doing good things,” as one church member told me, we collected food and made masks. Many churches focusing on Bible studies offered more online services and daily messages during COVID-19.
Looking back, I wonder if all this activity kept us from the silence God wants to invite us into, the silence that could’ve been incredibly beneficial but is also, at times, painful. You see, the moments of solitude throughout Scripture are the places where God meets His people and brings them to places of deeper change.
We all encountered solitude during 2020, and many of us were unprepared to navigate it. Now, solitude and loneliness are not the same thing. But it is in solitude that the deepest change happens. In solitude, the loudest voices in our souls start talking, bringing up past memories, hurts, or sins, and many of us prefer the busyness of life to the solitude we most desperately need.
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Four years ago, my wife Katie and I and our five kids loaded up and moved across the country from Arizona to Massachusetts. We spent 15 years in Arizona planting a church and as a teaching pastor at a large church.
Recently, in an Overseed cohort, the conversation turned to leading change in a New England church and the challenges that come with that. In that conversation, I reflected on some differences between Arizona and New England and how they impact church leadership. Afterward, Jim asked if I’d share some things I’ve learned about New England culture as someone new.
As pastors and leaders, we must be observant and think like cultural missionaries. What makes a culture tick? What makes even the different states of New England so different? Connecticut is not like Maine. Rhode Island and Massachusetts are not the same.
The reality is that all cultures are different. Often, we think that every part of America is the same since we are all one country. But I don’t think we can overlook the impact of regions and states, especially as pastors. In my doctoral research, one of the books I read was American Nations: A History of the Eleven Rival Regional Cultures of North America. In it, the author talks about how the founding of different states and regions of our country still impacts our world today.
When you think about New England, the people who founded it were the people who stayed. The rest of the country had to keep moving west. Many people who live in New England today were born in New England and their families have been here for generations. The number of people I’ve met in New England who can trace their family to the Mayflower is astounding. My guess is this is one reason change in New England churches is so tricky. In Arizona, you rarely meet someone who is from Arizona. Many people move west looking for something, on some kind of search. When I met someone new to Arizona and asked what brought them west, they often said something like, “I’m trying to find myself. I’m looking for something, but I don’t know what.”
Because people in Arizona are on some kind of search, it created an openness to friendships and community and an opportunity to step into new opportunities. In New England, many people have had the same friend group from kindergarten. This can be helpful, but it also makes it a challenge for someone new to a church to step into a community, especially if they aren’t from that town. We framed things in Arizona around finding something: finding Jesus, finding friends, finding purpose. This made sense because of the underlying search people were on. In New England, there is not that same sense of searching, even among those who have it. They feel like they should know it already, have found it, or that life is what it is.
One reason for this feeling is something that makes New England unique: the number of schools and colleges in the region. This emphasis has a significant impact on ministry. Depth, knowledge, etc., are a big part of following Jesus and being a disciple in New England.
When we moved here, our kids were some of the only new people at their public high school. As I’ve gotten to know people, I’ve learned that there is a strong sense of identity around where you are from in New England. Someone told me that if you aren’t born in Maine, you can’t ever say you are from Maine. This creates loyalty in people but makes it difficult to break into the community or welcome someone new. Many people who move into New England feel on the outside looking in. When one of the pastors at our church left, I was in the meeting where he told his volunteers, and one of them said, “I love you and will miss working with you, but I was here before you, so I figured I’d be here after you.” I sat there and thought, that perfectly sums up New England.
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If you ask an older couple what the secret to marriage is and how to make it to the end (and glad you made it to the end). That last part is crucial since we all know couples who are not happy, but they will tell you all kinds of things.
You will start to hear similar things, which we see in a couple at the end of the Song of Songs.
They show us three things: couples who delight in and desire each other, protect their relationship, and pursue each other.
We see these three things throughout the Song, but particularly at the end in chapters 7 – 8. What I love about Song of Songs 7 – 8 is that the couple is older and later in their relationship. They know each other. They have walked through the highs and lows of marriage and life together. At this point in marriage, it is easy to coast, to stop pursuing and delighting in each other, but they don’t.
Delight in each other and desire each other
Throughout the Song, the couple compliments each other. A lot.
But the man does this more than the woman. He describes her three different times, but he holds nothing back. What is essential to see is how he talks. He doesn’t always speak in sexual ways or even with the purpose of sex. But to build her up, telling her of his love for her and what he sees. He speaks to her insecurities about her body again and again.
He does this to the end of the Song, even when she is probably thinking, “He is being silly!” He tells her again and again how much he delights in her and desires her. He says things like, “You stand tall. I love your breath. I want to clutch your body, your breasts.”
In response, she says things like, “Let’s go to the vineyard and have sex under the stars; let’s wake up in the garden. Let’s go all night. Let me give you my caresses.”
Couples must ask themselves, “Do we delight in each other? Do we desire each other?” Again, desire and delight are not just sexual. I would say that the older you get and the longer you are married, the more this begins to shift from sexual to being together and walking through life as friends.
In Song of Songs 8, the woman begins reflecting on their relationship. She talks about the importance of protecting their relationship before and after marriage.
You cannot delight in, desire, or pursue each other to the greatest extent without protection.
It will not just happen.
She talks about how they have “ahava,” which means “a clinging love, and I’m not going anywhere kind of love.” That is the love needed to make ‘death do us part.’ That kind of love is not the butterflies’ kind of love. She talks about it in a fierce way. She brings up the image of flames, which are as strong as death. Which doesn’t sound very romantic, but it is real life.
Pursue each other
This couple is making what John Gottman calls a “bid.” Bids show our desire to connect.
Bids can be as simple as a baby crying. Asking how your day was is a bid. Did you see the game last night?
They can be deeper statements like, “I don’t know if I love her anymore. I don’t think I’ll talk to my dad again. I don’t know what to do with this hurt and shame.” We ask people to step into our stories with us in these moments.
They can be funny, like when a child says, “Knock, knock.”
They can seem insignificant: Can you get my phone while you’re up?
They can come at the worst moment: Can you sing me one more song? Read me one more book when you are exhausted as a parent at the end of the day.
A bid is when a husband or wife says, “Can we hold hands? Can we have sex tonight?”
We can either respond with intimacy or push it away.
John Gottman, the foremost expert on marriage, found that husbands headed towards divorce ignore their wives’ bids 82% of the time, compared to 19% for husbands in stable marriages. Wives headed for divorce ignore their husbands’ bids 50% of the time, compared to 14% of the time in stable marriages.
How often do you ignore your spouse’s bid to connect if you’re married? Don’t focus on them ignoring yours; you can’t make them. Do you move towards them or away? Why do you find yourself moving towards them or away?
If you’re not married, do you ignore the bids others make towards you to connect?
What we do in friendships is what we often do in marriage, so it matters if you want to get married one day.
If you’re dating, watch how that person responds to everyone but you. They will likely respond positively to you because they are dating you and putting on a good show. Watch how they react to their parents, siblings, friends, and those around you. When you pay attention to that, you will see how they really respond to bids for affection.
Bringing it all together
The Song of Songs begins and ends with the same themes: the couple pursuing each other, talking about their delight and desire for each other, and the protection they have in their relationship. It starts in the moments of dating and seeing each other through the wedding and wedding night and ends in the end.
Together.
One of the strongest and clearest messages throughout the Bible is God’s love for us. We are reminded that God doesn’t forget us (even though many of us feel forgotten); that God is close to us (even though He often feels far away); and that not only has He created us in His image, but He knows us, and that doesn’t scare Him away (although we always fear that the moment someone truly understands us, they’ll bolt.)
And yet, many of us still struggle to believe God loves us.
We believe that God loves the world and that, through Jesus, God will redeem and restore it; however, we struggle to live as if this is true.
So we run, hide, put up fronts, wear masks, beat ourselves up for past mistakes, try to earn God’s love, and try to prove ourselves worthy of God’s love. All the while, God’s love sits there.
If you’re like me, you can relate to this.
The problem for many of us is that we read verses about God’s love for the world and us (John 3:16), that Jesus loves us (John 15:9), that God predestined us in love (Ephesians 1:4 – 5), that God sings over us (Zephaniah 3:17), that God loved us first (1 John 4:19), that God draws us to Himself (John 6:44). We read the apostle Paul saying over 160 times that as a follower of Jesus, we are “in Christ”, and yet we live every day as if God is disappointed in us, indifferent towards us, mildly happy with us or “likes” us.
We’ll say, “I know God has forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself.” Or, “God loves me, but I can’t love myself.”
When we say those things, we have made love and forgiveness something it is not. We have based that on our definitions and life.
Over the last two years, if there is one message that God has put on my heart for me to learn, it is this: His gracious, unrelenting, never-stopping love for me.
I keep returning to Luke 15 and the stories that Jesus told: a shepherd who goes after a lost lamb, a woman who searches for a coin, and a father who runs out to meet his son, who doesn’t deserve grace, let alone a party. Through this passage, God has softened my heart, enabling me to understand and feel His love.
Some of us (at least I did) balked a little at this because it seemed too emotional, making God too close and personal, and we feared it would diminish His transcendence and power. He’s God, Creator of the universe. Yes, and He’s also a personal God who created you in His image and sent His Son to die in your place so He could rescue you and so you could know His great love for you.
Here’s my challenge to you. Spend as much time as you need, months or years. Dive into Luke 15, Ephesians 1, and the passages listed above and ask God, “Show me Your love for me; help me to understand and feel Your love for me.”
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Katie and I often get asked how to improve a marriage, survive a hard season, or take your marriage to the next level so that it lasts until “death do us part.”
Here’s a list I put together of 12 ways to improve your marriage (in no particular order):
Deal with all your story. Everyone has a story, a past, and the scars from life. We each bring that into a marriage; some couples work through as much as possible as fast as possible, while others don’t. When a couple has been married for 2 – 3 years, you can tell if they have started to work on their baggage.
Understand your roles and live in them. Too many couples think they can have a roleless marriage, which will work. As a couple, you need to know who is leading and how that is playing out. Who handles the finances, the calendar, vacations, date nights, etc. A lot of that is based on personality, season of life, and job situation, but you need to have regular conversations about how this is working or not working and have some plan.
Be intimate, a lot. It’s no coincidence that in every marriage book, every couple who says they are happy all say they are intimate a lot. 1 in 5 couples has what is called a sexless marriage (less than 10 times a year). The average for a married couple is 1 – 2 times every 10 days. Wonder why couples aren’t happy? Those stats are a place to start. Intimacy isn’t the same thing as sex, but it is deeply connected for couples.
Yes, there are seasons when intimacy is difficult or impossible as a couple, but talk through those. Also, if you find yourself pulling away from each other for any reason, talk about it. There is usually a reason that might unlock new levels of intimacy in your marriage.
Date night. I’m stunned at the number of couples who do not have a regularly scheduled date night. The bottom line is that you need a date night every week. Protect it with your life, make it a priority, and make it happen. These moments are essential to your relationship and help keep you close as a couple. Try some of these questions if you are unsure what to discuss.
Your relationship is more important than any other relationship (except God). Too many couples make their jobs, parents, friends, and kids more important than their marriages. Guess what? A day is coming when it will just be you and your spouse. Make that relationship the most important.
Pray together every day. This is a great way to connect, especially after a long day. It is a great way to thank your spouse for things out loud. This is especially good if you had a long day or a huge fight at night. This is something EVERY couple should do every day. Bring before God your relationship, your family, health, career, and anything else that is weighing you down.
Play together. This might be more of a man’s need, but do fun things together. If you are both into football, go to a game. Go shopping. Play golf or tennis. Run together. Do something fun that is just the two of you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like the other person’s hobby, go along.
Find a mentor. Every couple should have a mentor. Since our engagement, we have had other couples speaking into our marriage. They have helped us get to where we are right now. Always be on the lookout for a couple ahead of you with whom you can spend time.
We are asking, “Do we want the relationship this couple has?” Because if you spend time with someone and take their advice, you will get a lot of what they have, so choose wisely.
Put the other person first. One thing marriage brings out is how selfish we are. The scriptures all talk about serving each other. If you aim to outserve the other person, you will win at marriage.
Decide that you will stay married even if it kills you (and it probably will). This may sound obvious, but even though couples don’t get married and plan to divorce, many are willing to call it quits quickly. If you are going to work through all your junk (see #1), you will need the confidence that no matter what, this thing will make it to the end. If you decide to stay married, even if it kills you, you can do anything and get through anything. It will be challenging, but choosing this will go a long way.
No secrets. The number of couples who keep secrets from their spouses is incredible to me. I have had men tell me something and then say, “Don’t tell my wife.” Uh, if you don’t, I will. Secrets destroy any relationship.
Stay pure. This is not just for men. This is not just a physical thing. It is an all-encompassing thing. Are you physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, or mentally attached to someone you are not married to? Your spouse is the person who should meet these needs more than any other person.
