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What we Want and Fear in Every Relationship

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What if I told you, in every relationship, there is one thing we all want.

One thing we all long for.

One thing we will do anything to get, and it is also the thing we are afraid of the most in relationships.

What is it?

Intimacy.

Now, in our culture intimacy is always connected to sex or means sex.

And while intimacy sometimes involves sex, it is not equal to sex.

You can be intimate with people and not have sex, and you can have sex with someone and not be intimate.

One author said the vast majority of our intimate relationships have absolutely nothing to do with sex.

Intimacy is about connection. Intimacy is being known.

Dallas Willard said Intimacy is shared experience.

Intimacy is shared experience. -Dallas Willard

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And this is why I say we long for it.

But we also fear it deeply.

We’re afraid of being hurt. Intimacy means being known by someone else. Katie knows me. She knows my strengths and weaknesses, my hopes and fears. She can use that knowledge to bond with me and come closer to me, or she can use it to shame, wound and betray me.

We also fear intimacy because it can set us up for disappointment and letdown.

We fear intimacy because we’ve been hurt. We’ve been divorced; our parents were divorced, the people closest to us walked out on us.

We fear intimacy because we don’t know how to trust. We don’t want to trust.

Maybe, you use intimacy as a weapon. You learn how to open up to people in an unhealthy way to get what you want, to get a connection.

John Ortberg said, When we experience intimacy, we can take whatever life throws at us. Without it, our greatest accomplishments ring hollow. 

How do you experience intimacy?

It is close. It can’t be coerced or forced.

It is letting go of pretense and opening ourselves up to hurt, but it is also opening ourselves up to experience love and life.

The same is true with God.

It doesn’t happen from a distance, it isn’t an afterthought, and it won’t settle with being second.

And don’t miss this: intimacy takes intentionality and a single focus.

Intimacy takes intentionality and a single focus.

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In Song of Songs 1 – 2, we meet a couple just like any other couple that is struggling with this.

He is kind of the silent type, not as verbal (like most men).

She is scared and insecure about her looks.

So, she takes a step. She lets him know of her fear. And he responds.

He speaks directly to her insecurities, and slowly they find themselves closer.

They find themselves being intimate.

Now, they haven’t had sex, they’ve only created the connection we all long for in a relationship.

To be known, to be loved and for the other person to not walk away when they find out who we are.

So much so, that in chapter 2, we see the couple laying with each other in an embrace, her in the arms of the man, feeling completely safe and secure.

The woman speaks in verse 3 of chapter 2 and tells us what the man has done for her and why she feels so safe with him.

She says he is strong like a tree. This might be physical, but also emotional. He can handle the ups and downs of life; he can handle her ups and downs.

A tree also provides shade and protection in the desert. If you’re dating, do you feel protected by the guy you’re dating? If not, leave. Husbands, your wife should feel safe and protected by you and your strength.

Here’s a simple but difficult question for your marriage: does your wife delight to sit in your shade? In your presence? Now men, before you make an excuse why it’s her fault, why wouldn’t she want to anymore?

He looks on her with love. Does she know that you have eyes for her alone? And don’t tell me, I’m just looking like women are a menu in your life. When you get married, you have eyes for one; your “menu” has one item on it.

The lack of a single focus in any relationship is one of the biggest destroyers of intimacy. Without a single focus, the other person doesn’t feel as important, isn’t willing to give themselves, to let you in, you won’t let them in because you are still looking for another in greener pastures.

This couple has eyes only for each other and this single focus leads them to intimacy, to being known, to be safe with each other.

Didn’t See it Coming: Overcoming the Seven Greatest Challenges That No One Expects and Everyone Experiences by Carey Nieuwhof

Didn’t See it Coming: Overcoming the Seven Greatest Challenges That No One Expects and Everyone Experiences by Carey Nieuwhof was one of my favorite books of 2018 and one that I think every leader should read. Everyone will see themselves in one (or more) of the seven struggles he talks about.

My favorite chapter was the section on cynicism, which I’ve written about here.

22 leadership quotes from @cnieuwhof.

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Here are 22 quotes from the book that stood out to me and will hopefully encourage you to get it:

  1. Cynicism begins not because you don’t care but because you do care.
  2. Most cynics are former optimists.
  3. Hope is one of cynicism’s first casualties.
  4. Busyness is the enemy of wonder.
  5. Character, not competency, determines capacity.
  6. Perhaps the hardest part is that eventually your life and mine will get reduced to a single sentence.
  7. Competency gets you in the room. Character keeps you in the room.
  8. Confession and progress are inexorably linked. You won’t address what you don’t confess.
  9. Healthy people treat reasons as explanations, not justification.
  10. The leaders I admire most and who have accomplished the most tend to be people who never seem in a rush, who have all the time in the world.
  11. Unchecked, most of us live in the decade where a lot of our tastes, knowledge, and experiences were shaped.
  12. The more successful you are, the less likely you are to change.
  13. One sure sign of insecurity is that your opinion of yourself rises and falls with how you perform or what others say about you.
  14. There’s a difference between taking things seriously and taking things personally.
  15. Insecure people struggle with celebration.
  16. If you’re insecure, someone else’s victory means your loss, with the opposite also applying.
  17. Only humility can get you out of what pride got you into.
  18. Humility is never attractive to the people who need it most.
  19. Someone once said that 70 percent of discipleship is a good night’s sleep.
  20. Ministry is a series of ungrieved losses.
  21. If you want to beat emptiness, find a mission that’s bigger than you.
  22. Self-aware people understand not only what their own emotions and actions are but also how their emotions and actions affect others.
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10 Ideas to Make this Valentine’s Day Great

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Katie and I write a lot about marriage and relationships here, and we get asked about it a lot. Right now, we are preaching a series together at our church called #RelationshipGoals where we are covering some of the most important things couples need to know but often don’t or don’t pay attention to.

Since tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, we thought we’d share our ten most-read posts on marriage.

10 articles to help your marriage.

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  1. 11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage
  2. 18 Things Every Husband Should Know About His Wife
  3. When You and Your Spouse aren’t on the Same Page
  4. Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Listen to You
  5. 10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly (If you want to have some good conversations on Valentine’s Day, ask these questions)
  6.  10 Ways to Know if You’re Putting Your Kids Before Your Spouse
  7. When You Manipulate Your Husband, You Lose Him
  8. Do You Build Up or Tear Down Your Spouse?
  9. The One Thing Destroying Your Marriage That You Don’t Realize
  10. 6 Things I Wish I Knew About Marriage When I Got Married
10 posts to help you have a great valentine’s day.

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“When we Get Married…”

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One of the most common things I hear from couples who are dating or engaged is “When we get married he/she will _________.” Many people have this idea that they will change the person they are with or marriage will change.

Now, as a disclaimer, people can and do change. God does work in people’s lives to bring about change in areas of their lives.

But, this is not always the case.

One thing I have learned after years of doing pre-marital counseling and meeting with couples is: What you are like while dating and engaged, is how you are when you get married. Only more so.

As a complete generalization, this tends to be something women think more than men. Many women believe that if their boyfriend is not romantic and does not pursue her, that once they are married, he will pull out all the stops to sweep her off her feet. The problem? He already has you, why would he pursue you? Now, he should pursue you, but if he doesn’t while dating, he won’t when you get married.

If you can’t trust him/her while you are dating, what is going to change when you get married that will make you believe him all of a sudden? If she doesn’t care about your hobbies or what you do while you are dating, why will she care about those things are you are married, and you have kids?

If they don’t know how to handle money and go into thousands of dollars in debt while you are dating them, do you think their shopping ways will change after you get married, and money is tight, and they will all of a sudden decide to live on a frugal budget?

Do they bounce from job to job while you are dating? Always complaining about their boss and not finding what they want to do, feeling like they are underpaid, underutilized or the company is not worth working for. This will continue when you get married.

The reality is, what someone is before we marry them, they will be after we marry them. Which means, while dating you must date with your eyes wide open. What they are like today, is a lot of what they will be like in 5, 10, 20 years.

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How to Be Still When Life is Busy

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Psalm 46:10 is an often quoted verse. It says, Be still and know that I am God. It’s on coffee mugs, posters, greeting cards. It is an invitation to experience God, to rest, slow down.

It is also an invitation that I and many others reject on a daily basis.

Our rejection of this invitation is interesting because of how tired most Americans are, how worn out we are, how run down we are from living life. You would think, the invitation from God for us to be still and know that He is God would be a welcome invitation.

But we reject it.

First off, to be still and know that He is God means I need to admit that I am not God. I have to admit there are things outside of my control. Things I can’t do. Things I can’t handle. There are people and situations I cannot control. This is not a facade many of us are willing to give up any time soon. We know we aren’t in control, but we are content to live with the idea that we might be.

Second, for me to be still, I am going to have to stop. Which means, slowing down, ending things, resting. The reason most Americans don’t Sabbath and rest isn’t that we don’t know how to or aren’t very good at it. We don’t rest and slow down because we don’t want to. As long as we are busy, we don’t have to think about what is broken in our lives. We don’t have to think about that situation from 10 years ago we are trying to forget that we have never dealt with. Being still often means facing our sin. Being still gives God the opportunity to speak to us. As long as we are moving, we can drown Him out and not think about those broken places in our lives.

Third, is the crucial word know. Most of the time, when we talk about faith in God or a lack of faith, it all has to do with our feelings. We talk about not feeling in love as a reason for divorce. We don’t feel God’s love, so it must not be real is a comment I’ve heard countless times. But, Psalm 46 tells us to know that He is God. Not feel. Feelings are fleeting and easy to dismiss. Knowing means, I must slow down to ask, “What do I know about God? Looking at the world around me, what does that say about God? How have I seen God be faithful to redeem other things in my life, why not this thing I won’t give up?”

We don’t slow down, not because we can’t or don’t have time. We don’t stop because deep down, we want to be God. We don’t want God to speak to us about those broken places in our lives; we’d like to keep being the victim in that situation instead of facing it and having him redeem it.

But the invitation still stands, by accepting it, we find rest. We find life. We find a place where we can let go of worries, hurt, frustrations and be with God. Exactly what we need.

The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb by Jamin Goggin & Kyle Strobel

In leadership circles, especially Christians circles, it is challenging to balance power, influence, and humility. If you’re a Christian leader, you feel this tension. You have enormous amounts of influence and some level of power. What often got you to that place is humility, but humility is what will keep you there (or the lack thereof will take you down from there). The authors of The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb lay this out well: Unfortunately, the things that make leaders dangerous are the very things that earn them affirmation. 

The intersection of leadership, power, and humility.

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What I found most helpful about The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb, were the examples of leaders who seek to live and lead in the way of Jesus.

I think too often as leaders, especially young leaders; we forget that leadership and living is a long time. A marathon, not a sprint. The world has not passed you by at 35; you have not missed your chance at 45. Even though it might feel like it, leading like Jesus keeps this in mind and sees that what you do for all of your life is what counts.

The intersection of leadership, power and the way of Jesus.

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Here are 11 quotes from The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb that I found helpful & convicting:

  1. We must recognize that only after naming the truth of our sin can we come in grace and truth to name the sins of others.
  2. Power is the capacity to affect reality.
  3. This is the first temptation of power: We view the problems as “out there.”
  4. For Christians, the journey into true power begins with the realization of our desire for false power.
  5. Marriage, for instance, is a relational reality that calls us into our weakness, if we are willing to grow in love. In marriage, we are called into our brokenness, our inability to love another well, and our unhealthy desires. Whether we feel strong or weak, therefore, God invites us to walk forward in the truth of our weakness so we might know his power.
  6. The way of the dragon is fixated on the spectacular, obsessed with recognition and validation, intoxicated by fame and power. The way of the Lamb is committed to worship, pursues God in the ordinary, and is faithful in hiddenness. The dragon devours and dominates, while the Lamb humbly and sacrificially serves.
  7. Unfortunately, the things that make leaders dangerous are the very things that earn them affirmation.
  8. Much of what we call Christian is not a manifestation of the supernatural life of God in our souls; much of what we call Christian is really just human.
  9. Ministry is bringing the life of God, as it would be understood in terms of Jesus and his kingdom, into the lives of other people.
  10. Our worship of God in the wilderness is a proclamation of his power.
  11. The practices of the church are always a mirror to our hearts.

This book made my list for favorite books in 2018, so be sure to check it out.

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Values Drive Commitment

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I often hear pastors say, “I can’t get anyone in my church to serve.” “I can’t get anyone to give or invite their friends or get in a group, or ____________.”

Or someone will say, “I can’t my spouse to do ________.”

The reality is that what we believe and what is important drives how we live.

Our values determine everything in our lives.

Our values determine everything in our lives.

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If we don’t give and live generous lives, it means we don’t believe the gospel is generous and we don’t understand how our response is to be thankful and be generous to others as God has been generous with us.

We can say all day that we value generosity, but our actions show that we value stuff, greed or stinginess.

If we don’t use our gifts, it is because we don’t believe the way God has wired us is important or that we will be held accountable for those gifts.

We can say that we value seeing our life used for God’s glory or that we value giving of our selves, but our actions tell something different.

Values drive action.

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If we don’t share the gospel with those we know and love who don’t know Jesus, we are saying the gospel isn’t that great. We are also saying that we don’t believe the Holy Spirit lives in us and can work in our lives.

When we don’t let people into our lives in relationships, we care more about what others believe about us and less about what God thinks of us.

What we believe, what we value drives our commitment to things.

Every time.

To change a person, you must change their values.

To change your marriage, you must change your values.

To change an organization or church, you must change their values.

Values drive commitment.

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It Isn’t Always a Bad Thing When People Leave Your Church

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One of the most painful parts of being a pastor or leader is losing someone. Whether it is someone who attends your church, a leader or a staff member. It is personally painful, and it is painful to the church. Even when someone leaves because God is calling them somewhere else to start a ministry or be a part of a ministry, it is painful. Also though it is painful, it isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it is God’s way of protecting you.

When I was in seminary I was on staff at a great church, and they had given me a ton of opportunities, and I was close to the lead pastor. God had opened some doors for Katie and me, and we felt like we needed to move to a new church. The problem was that we had committed a year to the church we were at, so we told this new church that we needed to finish our time. But the feeling didn’t go away.

I remember when I went to the pastor and told him what we were feeling, but that we would stay and finish our commitment because that was important to us. He looked at me and said, “If God is calling you somewhere, that means God is calling someone to come here and take your place. Who knows, they might already be here. If you stay, not only will you miss what God is calling you to, but that person will miss what God is calling them to here.” It was one of the most kingdom-minded, eye-opening moments of my life. That conversation has shaped my leadership and how I look at the way God moves. If God is sovereign (and I believe he is), then when He calls someone away to somewhere else, he is preparing someone else to jump in.

This doesn’t make it any less painful or hard. It just changes how you look at it. It is a reminder that you are not in charge or control and that is okay.

I’d Like You More if You Were More Like Me by John Ortberg

I’m working ahead to get ready for our relationship series that we’re kicking off in a couple of weeks called #RelationshipGoals and one of the books I read was John Ortberg’s I’d Like You More If You Were More like Me: Getting Real about Getting Close. There are so many things I enjoyed about this book, that I thought I’d share some favorite quotes:

20 quotes from I’d Like You More If You Were More like Me: Getting Real about Getting Close.

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  1. Why do we fear intimacy so much? For one thing, I think we’re afraid of being hurt. Intimacy means being known by someone – as Nancy knows me, for example. She knows my strengths and weaknesses, my hopes and fear. She can use that knowledge to bond with me and grow closer to me, or she can use it to shame, wound, or betray me. We also fear intimacy because it can set us up for disappointments.
  2. Intimacy respects distance but isn’t content with it.
  3. In the minds of a lot of people in our culture, the word intimacy got all tangled up with sex. But even though there is a connection between the two words, they are not interchangeable, and one is not necessarily dependent on the other. We don’t need to have sex to be intimate with someone in order to have sex. The vast majority of our intimate relationships have absolutely nothing to do with sex. Intimacy also applies to our relationships with our kids, our parents, our friends, our coworkers – and even with God.
  4. To love someone means both to will and to work for that person to become who God created them to be.
  5. The Bible never tells us to fall in love. But it has a lot to say about growing in love.
  6. One of the most important “awareness” questions we can ask ourselves in each significant relationship is, “How does my connection with this person impact the person I’m becoming?”
  7. What makes the miracle of human connection possible is our ability to discern another person’s emotional state, empathize with it, and enter into it.
  8. “Feeling felt” is to the human soul what food is to the stomach, or air is to the lungs.
  9. Feeling felt requires two gifts that we can give to one another: knowing and acceptance. If you know about my weakness or my woundedness, but you don’t care, you won’t be able to help me. On the other hand, if you accept me as I am, but you don’t know about my breaking heart, you won’t be able to bring healing to my particular situation.
  10. We treasure joyful moments because they somehow heal and connect us. What’more, our joy is not just about us. The research is quite clear on this: Joyful people are more compassionate in their actions than less joyful people. They are more financially generous than less joyful people. They develop friendships and deeper friendships than less joyful people. They are more likely to stay married. They are more resilient in the face of hardship. They exhibit greater vitality and a zest for life.
  11. Naming an emotion is the first step in healing that emotion inwardly.
  12. Commitment gives us what Lewis Smedes calls a “small island of certainty” in an uncertain world: “How strange it is, when you think about it that a mere human being can take hold of the future and fasten one part of it down for another person … I stretch myself into unpredictable days ahead and make one thing predictable for you: I will be there with you.”
  13. Commitment is the foundation of intimacy because without commitment there can be no trust, and without trust, there can be no intimacy.
  14. When a relationship has intimacy without commitment, there’s a greater potential for hurt.
  15. Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed that marriage involved what he calls a triangle of life: intimacy (by which he means feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness), passion (romance and physical attraction), and commitment (the decision to maintain that love). These elements must be proportional. When intimacy exceeds commitment, there is potential for hurt. When commitment exceeds intimacy, there is a disappointment for the heart. But when commitment, passion, and intimacy go hand in hand, relationships flourish.
  16. Lewis Smedes identified three things we surrender when we commit ourselves to another person: our freedom, our individuality, and our control. When we commit ourselves to someone, we’re no longer the only ones in charge. Our time and our heart are no longer our own. Commitment builds an invisible fence around us, and we freely choose to honor its restrictions on our freedom. Once we’ve committed, we’re no longer just me, myself, I; we’ve become part of we.
  17. Shame is condemnation – the internalization of rejection. As Lewis Smedes puts it, “Shame is a weighty feeling.” Guilt causes us to feel bad about what we’ve done; shame causes us to feel bad about who we are. Shame – at least the toxic kind – causes us to feel that we will never be acceptable. It touches the very core of our identity.
  18. Differences mean that conflict is inevitable. Often friendships, as well as marriages, have an early phase that is relatively conflict-free. Sooner or later, though reality sets in.
  19. Intimacy does not mean having a relationship without conflict. Intimacy does not mean having a relationship without any ruptures. Every relationship experiences rupture from time to time. What determines ongoing intimacy is what happens next.
  20. One way of measuring the health of a relationship is how quickly a couple moves to repair the connection when they experience a rupture.
20 quotes on relational intimacy and connection.

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3 Lies Pastors Believe

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pastors

All of us believe lies in our lives and those lies shape us. Lies that we aren’t good enough, strong enough, that I owe God, that we can be in control, that God doesn’t love us, that we aren’t lovable or worthwhile.

Lies like these, shape us. And if we don’t face them, these lies will determine the stories we tell and live.

Pastor’s believe lies as well. I know that might be a shock, but it’s true.

And like lies in our personal lives, if we don’t face them, name them and see the impact they have on our lives, they will determine how we lead and what our leadership (and lives) are like.

Here are three of them:

3 lies most pastors believe.

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1. What happens at my church is because of me.

All pastor’s know this isn’t true, but we easily believe it is. You can tell by their mood after they hear how many people were at church, what the offering was like, how the kid’s ministry went. Much of what they feel about their sermon is based on what they can read on people’s face, the connection they feel or lack thereof.

If numbers are up, our moods tend to be better. If there were no technical mistakes in the service, we feel better.

This isn’t to say that excellence doesn’t matter, cause it does, but it can become a difficult idol to shake.

2. God loves me more when I preach.

I love preaching. I feel like God has gifted me to do it and I love using this gift for His glory. It is an honor. But it is easy for me to feel like God loves me more because I preach or that I feel his presence more in my life when I am preaching.

It is also easier for a pastor to replace their devotional life with sermon prep. When this happens, we aren’t filling up our bucket, but merely giving out.

It is often easier to do something for God than see what God is doing in us. 

3. If I’m not at church, it will fall apart.

As a church planter or pastor, you will battle this. Will people care about your church as much as you do? What happens if your church completely falls apart when you aren’t there? While many struggles with this, I’ve never actually heard of a church closing because a pastor was away for a week. Revolution will not fall apart if I’m not there, but like lie #1, it is easy to fall into.

The healthiest churches are the ones that a pastor can leave for a week or two and give others a chance to step up and lead.

3 lies every pastor believes

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