How to Handle Criticism in Life & Leadership

If you are new to leadership, you might wonder why you get criticized. The reality is if you are a leader in any capacity, that is the only requirement to get criticized.

If you are a leader and I’m using the word leader to define someone who is out in front of a church or organization, casting a vision for the future, leading people there. If you are at that person, it means you are pushing the status quo; you are most likely making changes of some kind. If you preach on a weekly basis, you are challenging people to kill their idols, pressing on hurt and sin and showing how the gospel transforms those places people don’t like to talk about.

The reality is that by going into leadership of any kind, you are inviting criticism. If you preach, you are attracting even more criticism. Here are a few things God has been teaching me about leadership and criticism:

  • Everyone gets criticized. If you are getting criticized, take comfort, every leader in the Bible was criticized. Jesus included. I had a mentor tell me “Criticism is the admission ticket for leadership.”
  • Listen to your critics. I think there is a limit to how long you listen to one critic as sometimes critics are just a squeaky wheel (meaning you will have people in your church that will complain about and criticize anything). Is there any truth in the criticism? Anything you can grow from? Anything you need to repent from? Your critics can often point out a blind spot you are unaware of, so don’t dismiss them outright.
  • There is a time to stop listening to critics. Every time you respond to a critic, you invite a response. No matter how you end the conversation, email or phone call. Sometimes, you need to react and sometimes you need to let them have “the last word” by not responding. This is difficult to do, mainly because you probably think you are right and your critic is wrong.
  • Don’t try to change your critic’s mind. This almost never happens, it is often naive and idealistic. It might happen, pray for it, the Holy Spirit can do it, but this shouldn’t be your goal. Your mission, purpose, what God has called you to is your goal.
  • When you respond to critics, you give them a platform. This is often what critics want, not always, but often they want the power they are criticizing. If you publicly acknowledge it, respond to a blog post, article, etc. You legitimize the criticism. Sometimes you need to respond publicly, but often this isn’t advisable.
  • Know when you need to shepherd a critic and when you need to protect your church. Most of the critics for a pastor will be in his church; Paul tells us in Acts 20 that divisive people and wolves will come out from the inside the church, not the outside. There is a line that you as a leader will cross with each critic and it is different each time. You need to shepherd a critic, help them to see the idols they are living out of (usually sin drives critics, not always), help them understand the idol and freedom in the gospel. You also need to know when you need to call a critic a wolf and shoot the wolves to protect the flock. This is a fine line.
  • Throw out anonymous stuff. If someone doesn’t put their name on it, it is not worth reading or listening to. Period. If someone says, “me and some of my friends” without saying who the friends are, let it go.
  • Have safe people to vent to. As a leader, this shouldn’t always be your spouse. You need someone that you can unload on, cry to, rant and rave about what you will never say publicly. This person also needs to have the power in your life to push back and help you see what you are missing.
  • Know that your critic will often make your point, you can’t tell them that. Almost every time I have been criticized, the critic has inevitably made my point. I wrote a blog post recently about not following the Bible for a variety of reasons. Someone emailed me to criticize the post and went on to tell me why certain Bible passages don’t apply to them so that they could keep on sinning. I read it and thought, “You are responding to a post about how we excuse ourselves from following the Bible by telling me why you don’t follow the Bible by excusing yourself.”
  • Preach Jesus, say what you think the Bible says. Most criticism aimed at a pastor has to do with his preaching. He stands on a stage by himself where everyone can get a good clean shot. That’s what you signed up for. That being the case, get up each week, preach Jesus and say what you think the Bible says. That is the price of preaching. When you preach Jesus, you will take a knife to the idols of the hearts of people in your church. They don’t like this. Many people want to hear a sermon that will motivate them to be better people, mostly to motivate them to keep worshiping their idols, not killing them. As a leader, you will have to stand before God and give an account for how you led, how you preached, what you said. Say what you think the Bible says, be sure.

Embracing Where Your Marriage Is

If you’ve been married any length of time, you’ve had this feeling of wishing your marriage was somewhere different. Maybe you want your spouse to have turned out differently than they are. Perhaps they have an annoying habit you thought they would grow out of, but they haven’t.

It might be an area that you wish would improve in your marriage: having better communication, a more exciting passionate sex life, dreaming together or at the very least being on the same page with your schedule and goals.

But you aren’t. It isn’t.

It is where it is.

Recently, I heard an illustration that helped me understand this.

There’s a story about when the British colonized India and the English people were trying to establish a Golf Course.

The problem was that there was Monkey’s that surrounded the golf course and whenever a golfer would take a swing, and the ball would land in the fairway; a monkey would run out, grab the ball and move it or throw it to another monkey.

This was very frustrating.

They tried putting up fences, moving the monkey, they tried capturing the monkeys, and nothing worked.

They couldn’t solve the problem, and so they made a rule for the course that said – ‘from now on we play the ball wherever the Monkey drops it.’

How does this apply to your marriage?

Your marriage isn’t where you thought it would be or wanted it to be. You or your spouse hasn’t turned out as you expected.

You can fight against that, get bitter and resentful; you could leave and be done with it (as a lot of people choose).

Or…

You can play the ball where the monkey drops it.

Meaning, this is where your marriage is, so move forward from there.

Moving towards a healthy marriage starts with embracing the reality of your marriage and where it is.

Can it change? Yes.

Can it grow? Yes.

But until you accept the reality of where you are, you won’t know what to change or how best to move forward.

A Simple Way to Take Control of Your Schedule

Have you ever gotten to the end of your day and wonder what you did with your time?

That you ran your kids from one activity to the other, you were in one meeting after another, putting out one fire after another, but you aren’t sure if you accomplished anything.

It is more normal than you think.

Most of us flop down at the end of the day and think, “I know I did things today but did they matter? Were they important?”

Think about it; you lived 24 hours, what do you have to show for it?

Over the last year, I’ve done three practices that have become enormously helpful in taking control of my day.

1. Decide the three most important things to accomplish today. I got this from Michael Hyatt, but the reason this matters is that your schedule and life can get overloaded quickly.

Also, if you’re like most people, it is easier to focus on the urgent (the fires that pop up each day) than focus on the things that are important and matter the most.

Deciding each day ahead of time, on the three most important things to do helps to navigate where my day goes.

Each week, I lay out the three most important things and then each day I work through the things I need to get done. I

2. Reflect at the end of the day on those three things. At the end of each day and week, look at those three things and see how far you got.

For the longest time, I would feel like my life was a never-ending loop of unfinished tasks because I never celebrated or crossed things off.

Doing this will also help you to figure out your schedule for the coming day when you’re able to see what is left undone.

3. Write down three things I’m grateful for. This practice has changed my mindset a great deal. And, don’t miss this, your mindset (the things you focus on) has an enormous impact on your life.

Each night, I write down what I’m grateful for. Things I’ve experienced that day or felt.

This has helped me to see how God is at work in my life and the gifts He’s given to me.

Honestly, if there is something that has raised the happiness level in my life, it is this.

What we Want and Fear in Every Relationship

What if I told you, in every relationship, there is one thing we all want.

One thing we all long for.

One thing we will do anything to get, and it is also the thing we are afraid of the most in relationships.

What is it?

Intimacy.

Now, in our culture intimacy is always connected to sex or means sex.

And while intimacy sometimes involves sex, it is not equal to sex.

You can be intimate with people and not have sex, and you can have sex with someone and not be intimate.

One author said the vast majority of our intimate relationships have absolutely nothing to do with sex.

Intimacy is about connection. Intimacy is being known.

Dallas Willard said Intimacy is shared experience.

And this is why I say we long for it.

But we also fear it deeply.

We’re afraid of being hurt. Intimacy means being known by someone else. Katie knows me. She knows my strengths and weaknesses, my hopes and fears. She can use that knowledge to bond with me and come closer to me, or she can use it to shame, wound and betray me.

We also fear intimacy because it can set us up for disappointment and letdown.

We fear intimacy because we’ve been hurt. We’ve been divorced; our parents were divorced, the people closest to us walked out on us.

We fear intimacy because we don’t know how to trust. We don’t want to trust.

Maybe, you use intimacy as a weapon. You learn how to open up to people in an unhealthy way to get what you want, to get a connection.

John Ortberg said, When we experience intimacy, we can take whatever life throws at us. Without it, our greatest accomplishments ring hollow. 

How do you experience intimacy?

It is close. It can’t be coerced or forced.

It is letting go of pretense and opening ourselves up to hurt, but it is also opening ourselves up to experience love and life.

The same is true with God.

It doesn’t happen from a distance, it isn’t an afterthought, and it won’t settle with being second.

And don’t miss this: intimacy takes intentionality and a single focus.

In Song of Songs 1 – 2, we meet a couple just like any other couple that is struggling with this.

He is kind of the silent type, not as verbal (like most men).

She is scared and insecure about her looks.

So, she takes a step. She lets him know of her fear. And he responds.

He speaks directly to her insecurities, and slowly they find themselves closer.

They find themselves being intimate.

Now, they haven’t had sex, they’ve only created the connection we all long for in a relationship.

To be known, to be loved and for the other person to not walk away when they find out who we are.

So much so, that in chapter 2, we see the couple laying with each other in an embrace, her in the arms of the man, feeling completely safe and secure.

The woman speaks in verse 3 of chapter 2 and tells us what the man has done for her and why she feels so safe with him.

She says he is strong like a tree. This might be physical, but also emotional. He can handle the ups and downs of life; he can handle her ups and downs.

A tree also provides shade and protection in the desert. If you’re dating, do you feel protected by the guy you’re dating? If not, leave. Husbands, your wife should feel safe and protected by you and your strength.

Here’s a simple but difficult question for your marriage: does your wife delight to sit in your shade? In your presence? Now men, before you make an excuse why it’s her fault, why wouldn’t she want to anymore?

He looks on her with love. Does she know that you have eyes for her alone? And don’t tell me, I’m just looking like women are a menu in your life. When you get married, you have eyes for one; your “menu” has one item on it.

The lack of a single focus in any relationship is one of the biggest destroyers of intimacy. Without a single focus, the other person doesn’t feel as important, isn’t willing to give themselves, to let you in, you won’t let them in because you are still looking for another in greener pastures.

This couple has eyes only for each other and this single focus leads them to intimacy, to being known, to be safe with each other.

Didn’t See it Coming: Overcoming the Seven Greatest Challenges That No One Expects and Everyone Experiences

Didn’t See it Coming: Overcoming the Seven Greatest Challenges That No One Expects and Everyone Experiences by Carey Nieuwhof was one of my favorite books of 2018 and one that I think every leader should read. Everyone will see themselves in one (or more) of the seven struggles he talks about.

My favorite chapter was the section on cynicism, which I’ve written about here.

Here are 22 quotes from the book that stood out to me and will hopefully encourage you to get it:

  1. Cynicism begins not because you don’t care but because you do care.
  2. Most cynics are former optimists.
  3. Hope is one of cynicism’s first casualties.
  4. Busyness is the enemy of wonder.
  5. Character, not competency, determines capacity.
  6. Perhaps the hardest part is that eventually your life and mine will get reduced to a single sentence.
  7. Competency gets you in the room. Character keeps you in the room.
  8. Confession and progress are inexorably linked. You won’t address what you don’t confess.
  9. Healthy people treat reasons as explanations, not justification.
  10. The leaders I admire most and who have accomplished the most tend to be people who never seem in a rush, who have all the time in the world.
  11. Unchecked, most of us live in the decade where a lot of our tastes, knowledge, and experiences were shaped.
  12. The more successful you are, the less likely you are to change.
  13. One sure sign of insecurity is that your opinion of yourself rises and falls with how you perform or what others say about you.
  14. There’s a difference between taking things seriously and taking things personally.
  15. Insecure people struggle with celebration.
  16. If you’re insecure, someone else’s victory means your loss, with the opposite also applying.
  17. Only humility can get you out of what pride got you into.
  18. Humility is never attractive to the people who need it most.
  19. Someone once said that 70 percent of discipleship is a good night’s sleep.
  20. Ministry is a series of ungrieved losses.
  21. If you want to beat emptiness, find a mission that’s bigger than you.
  22. Self-aware people understand not only what their own emotions and actions are but also how their emotions and actions affect others.

10 Ideas to Make this Valentine’s Day Great

Katie and I write a lot about marriage and relationships here, and we get asked about it a lot. Right now, we are preaching a series together at our church called #RelationshipGoals where we are covering some of the most important things couples need to know but often don’t or don’t pay attention to.

Since tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, we thought we’d share our ten most-read posts on marriage.

  1. 11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage
  2. 18 Things Every Husband Should Know About His Wife
  3. When You and Your Spouse aren’t on the Same Page
  4. Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Listen to You
  5. 10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly (If you want to have some good conversations on Valentine’s Day, ask these questions)
  6.  10 Ways to Know if You’re Putting Your Kids Before Your Spouse
  7. When You Manipulate Your Husband, You Lose Him
  8. Do You Build Up or Tear Down Your Spouse?
  9. The One Thing Destroying Your Marriage That You Don’t Realize
  10. 6 Things I Wish I Knew About Marriage When I Got Married

“When we Get Married…”

One of the most common things I hear from couples who are dating or engaged is “When we get married he/she will _________.” Many people have this idea that they will change the person they are with or marriage will change.

Now, as a disclaimer, people can and do change. God does work in people’s lives to bring about change in areas of their lives.

But, this is not always the case.

One thing I have learned after years of doing pre-marital counseling and meeting with couples is: What you are like while dating and engaged, is how you are when you get married. Only more so.

As a complete generalization, this tends to be something women think more than men. Many women believe that if their boyfriend is not romantic and does not pursue her, that once they are married, he will pull out all the stops to sweep her off her feet. The problem? He already has you, why would he pursue you? Now, he should pursue you, but if he doesn’t while dating, he won’t when you get married.

If you can’t trust him/her while you are dating, what is going to change when you get married that will make you believe him all of a sudden? If she doesn’t care about your hobbies or what you do while you are dating, why will she care about those things are you are married, and you have kids?

If they don’t know how to handle money and go into thousands of dollars in debt while you are dating them, do you think their shopping ways will change after you get married, and money is tight, and they will all of a sudden decide to live on a frugal budget?

Do they bounce from job to job while you are dating? Always complaining about their boss and not finding what they want to do, feeling like they are underpaid, underutilized or the company is not worth working for. This will continue when you get married.

The reality is, what someone is before we marry them, they will be after we marry them. Which means, while dating you must date with your eyes wide open. What they are like today, is a lot of what they will be like in 5, 10, 20 years.

How to Be Still When Life is Busy

Psalm 46:10 is an often quoted verse. It says, Be still and know that I am God. It’s on coffee mugs, posters, greeting cards. It is an invitation to experience God, to rest, slow down.

It is also an invitation that I and many others reject on a daily basis.

Our rejection of this invitation is interesting because of how tired most Americans are, how worn out we are, how run down we are from living life. You would think, the invitation from God for us to be still and know that He is God would be a welcome invitation.

But we reject it.

First off, to be still and know that He is God means I need to admit that I am not God. I have to admit there are things outside of my control. Things I can’t do. Things I can’t handle. There are people and situations I cannot control. This is not a facade many of us are willing to give up any time soon. We know we aren’t in control, but we are content to live with the idea that we might be.

Second, for me to be still, I am going to have to stop. Which means, slowing down, ending things, resting. The reason most Americans don’t Sabbath and rest isn’t that we don’t know how to or aren’t very good at it. We don’t rest and slow down because we don’t want to. As long as we are busy, we don’t have to think about what is broken in our lives. We don’t have to think about that situation from 10 years ago we are trying to forget that we have never dealt with. Being still often means facing our sin. Being still gives God the opportunity to speak to us. As long as we are moving, we can drown Him out and not think about those broken places in our lives.

Third, is the crucial word know. Most of the time, when we talk about faith in God or a lack of faith, it all has to do with our feelings. We talk about not feeling in love as a reason for divorce. We don’t feel God’s love, so it must not be real is a comment I’ve heard countless times. But, Psalm 46 tells us to know that He is God. Not feel. Feelings are fleeting and easy to dismiss. Knowing means, I must slow down to ask, “What do I know about God? Looking at the world around me, what does that say about God? How have I seen God be faithful to redeem other things in my life, why not this thing I won’t give up?”

We don’t slow down, not because we can’t or don’t have time. We don’t stop because deep down, we want to be God. We don’t want God to speak to us about those broken places in our lives; we’d like to keep being the victim in that situation instead of facing it and having him redeem it.

But the invitation still stands, by accepting it, we find rest. We find life. We find a place where we can let go of worries, hurt, frustrations and be with God. Exactly what we need.

The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb

In leadership circles, especially Christians circles, it is challenging to balance power, influence, and humility. If you’re a Christian leader, you feel this tension. You have enormous amounts of influence and some level of power. What often got you to that place is humility, but humility is what will keep you there (or the lack thereof will take you down from there). The authors of The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb lay this out well: Unfortunately, the things that make leaders dangerous are the very things that earn them affirmation. 

What I found most helpful about The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lambwere the examples of leaders who seek to live and lead in the way of Jesus.

I think too often as leaders, especially young leaders; we forget that leadership and living is a long time. A marathon, not a sprint. The world has not passed you by at 35; you have not missed your chance at 45. Even though it might feel like it, leading like Jesus keeps this in mind and sees that what you do for all of your life is what counts.

Here are 11 quotes from The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb that I found helpful & convicting:

  1. We must recognize that only after naming the truth of our sin can we come in grace and truth to name the sins of others.
  2. Power is the capacity to affect reality.
  3. This is the first temptation of power: We view the problems as “out there.”
  4. For Christians, the journey into true power begins with the realization of our desire for false power.
  5. Marriage, for instance, is a relational reality that calls us into our weakness, if we are willing to grow in love. In marriage, we are called into our brokenness, our inability to love another well, and our unhealthy desires. Whether we feel strong or weak, therefore, God invites us to walk forward in the truth of our weakness so we might know his power.
  6. The way of the dragon is fixated on the spectacular, obsessed with recognition and validation, intoxicated by fame and power. The way of the Lamb is committed to worship, pursues God in the ordinary, and is faithful in hiddenness. The dragon devours and dominates, while the Lamb humbly and sacrificially serves.
  7. Unfortunately, the things that make leaders dangerous are the very things that earn them affirmation.
  8. Much of what we call Christian is not a manifestation of the supernatural life of God in our souls; much of what we call Christian is really just human.
  9. Ministry is bringing the life of God, as it would be understood in terms of Jesus and his kingdom, into the lives of other people.
  10. Our worship of God in the wilderness is a proclamation of his power.
  11. The practices of the church are always a mirror to our hearts.

This book made my list for favorite books in 2018, so be sure to check it out.

Values Drive Commitment

I often hear pastors say, “I can’t get anyone in my church to serve.” “I can’t get anyone to give or invite their friends or get in a group, or ____________.”

Or someone will say, “I can’t my spouse to do ________.”

The reality is that what we believe and what is important drives how we live.

Our values determine everything in our lives.

If we don’t give and live generous lives, it means we don’t believe the gospel is generous and we don’t understand how our response is to be thankful and be generous to others as God has been generous with us.

We can say all day that we value generosity, but our actions show that we value stuff, greed or stinginess.

If we don’t use our gifts, it is because we don’t believe the way God has wired us is important or that we will be held accountable for those gifts.

We can say that we value seeing our life used for God’s glory or that we value giving of our selves, but our actions tell something different.

If we don’t share the gospel with those we know and love who don’t know Jesus, we are saying the gospel isn’t that great. We are also saying that we don’t believe the Holy Spirit lives in us and can work in our lives.

When we don’t let people into our lives in relationships, we care more about what others believe about us and less about what God thinks of us.

What we believe, what we value drives our commitment to things.

Every time.

To change a person, you must change their values.

To change your marriage, you must change your values.

To change an organization or church, you must change their values.