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Letting Go of Shame

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Shame.

We begin to hear it and feel it as children.

Being the last picked for dodgeball, not being asked to the dance, parents telling us “we should be ashamed of ourselves.” Boys don’t feel that. Girls don’t do that.

As adults, it grows and gains ground in our souls.

This doesn’t even scratch the surface that many of us feel from things like abuse, abandonment, divorce, isolation. As we push those down, and they inevitably find their way to the surface, we wonder, “What else am I hiding? What else am I forgetting?”

What we often overlook is how much shame shapes our identity and our lives. It becomes a driving force in our lives, how we work and how we relate to others and God.

In Future Grace: The Purifying Power of the Promises of God, John Piper says shame comes from three causes:

1. Guilt. This is the one many of us know well. The addiction, the hidden sin, the abuse we don’t talk about, the affair, the divorce, the poor parenting, our failure at work and in life. We carry around guilt for ourselves and often without thinking, for others. When guilt becomes public knowledge, we have shame. Now we are known for what we have feared.

2. Shortcomings. Shortcomings and failures are something all of us experience. Some of them are real and others imagined. Some are life shaping, and other shortcomings we simply shrug off. It is the ones that are life shaping that lead to shame. When our frame of mind says, “You are a failure, you aren’t good enough, you aren’t beautiful, strong enough or worthwhile”, we experience shame.

3. Improprieties. These are the experiences in our life where we feel silly, look stupid or are embarrassed. We make a mistake, and it feels like everyone knows about it.

What hope do we have with our shame?

After all, Romans 10:11 tells us that if you are a follower of Jesus, you will not be put to shame. But we feel shame. Many of us see ourselves as shame.

I think Jesus’ first miracle is telling. It is often talked about as a miracle about wine, but more is going on here.

Jesus’ first miracle wasn’t just about wine—it was an act of purification from the Messiah, one that saved people from generations of sin and shame.

It wasn’t until working on a sermon on John 2 that I began to see the significance of Jesus’ first miracle. A miracle that, according to Tim Keller, can be seen as simply fixing a social oversight, but has so much more going on:

When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.” And Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does this have to do with me? My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”

Now there were six stone water jars there for the Jewish rites of purification, each holding twenty or thirty gallons. Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. And he said to them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the feast.” So they took it. When the master of the feast tasted the water now become wine, and did not know where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now.” This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested his glory. And his disciples believed in him. –John 2:3–11

During this time, marriage was an enormous event. The entire town would be invited and the celebration would last for up to a week. This was not simply about the couple, but was a sign of the strength of the town and community.

For the wine to run out was not a simple party oversight. This would be seen as an insult to the town and the guests. The ramifications of this happening could be felt for decades to come in terms of standing in the community, business dealings, and overall appearance. The shame heaped upon this family would be no small thing. In the same way, the shame in our lives that we carry around often comes from things in our family’s past. We feel the effects of an abusive grandfather we have never met or an alcoholic grandmother who is whispered about.

But Jesus didn’t just change water into wine to save this family from embarrassment and shame.

You see, for the Jewish people, weddings were a sign of the Messiah. Weddings were a picture of his coming, of what heaven would be like. There were also prophecies in Joel, Hosea, and Amos indicating that wine would flow freely over a barren, dry land from the Messiah (Joel 2:24, 3:18; Hosea 14:7; Amos 9:3). This imagery would not be lost on the Jews who saw this miracle.

John also points out that Jesus had them fill up purification jars. This was not what they normally used for wine, as these were the jars the Jews used to cleanse themselves to worship God, to enter the temple, to purify them. Jesus, at a wedding, which is a picture of the Messiah coming, with wine. Using purification jars that are used to make one right with God, turning guilt and shame into joy.

Later in the Gospels, Jesus will bring his disciples together for a Passover meal, hold up wine and declare it to be his blood (Matt. 26:28). Then, in Revelation 21, John tells us that when Jesus returns, it will be as a bridegroom at a wedding (Rev. 21:2).

It is easy for us to miss all this without the history and picture. But, we do another thing that hinders our joy. When we read in the Gospel and Epistles of John about God loving the world or Jesus taking away the sins of the world, we picture “the world,” a globe filled with people. We don’t picture ourselves.

How do we apply this to our lives? Can I suggest six ways to apply this passage and the message of grace that combats our shame?

6 ways to move forward from your shame.

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1. Name your shame. If you don’t name something, it takes ownership of you. This is a crucial step. You must name the hurt, the guilt, the shortcoming, the impropriety, the embarrassment, the abuse, the loss, the misstep, the sin. If you don’t, you stay stuck.

Whatever you can’t name in your life takes ownership of you.

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I’ve met countless people who couldn’t say the name of an ex, name the situation of hurt or talk about something. This doesn’t mean that you are a victim or wallow in your pain, but naming something is crucial. Without this first step, the others become difficult to impossible.

The saying, “Whatever we don’t own, owns us”, applies here. This is a crucial, crucial step.

2. Identify the emotions attached to it. Many times when we are hurt, we are an emotional wreck and can’t see a way forward. All we know is that we are hurt, that life isn’t as we’d hoped, but we aren’t sure what to do.

What emotions are attached to your shame? Is it guilt? Loss? Failure? Missed opportunity? Sadness? Hopelessness? Indifference?

Name them.

Name the emotion that goes with your abuse, abandonment, divorce, failed business, dropping out of school, not meeting your expectations or the expectations of someone else.

Often times we feel shame when we have a different emotion attached to it, but shame is far more familiar to us. Do you feel neglected or hurt or sad? What emotion is conjured up from a memory.

3. Confess the sins that are there. Do you always have sin when you feel shameful? No. Sometimes it is misplaced shame. It is shame you have no business owning. You didn’t sin; someone else sinned against you.

Sometimes, though, there is a sin on your part. You may have sinned, and that’s why you feel shame. Sometimes your sin might be holding on to that person or situation.

Sometimes you need to confess that your shame is keeping you from moving forward and keeping you stuck.

Bring those sins to light.

4. Grieve the loss. When we have shame, there is a loss. This loss might be a missed opportunity or missed happiness. It might be bigger than that and be a missed childhood, a loss of your 20’s, a loss of health or job opportunity.

It might be a relationship that will never be, something you can never go back to.

As you think about your shame, what did you lose? What did you miss out on? What did that situation prevent you from doing or experiencing? What hurt do you carry around? What will never be the same because of that situation.

5. Name what you want. This one is new for me, but it has to do with your desires.

Often the reason we stay stuck is because we know what stuck is. We don’t know what the future holds. Beyond that, we don’t know what we actually want.

We carry shame around from a relationship with a father who walked out. Do you want a relationship? Do you want to be in touch?

We carry shame from a failed business. Do you want to get back in the game?

Can you name, in the situation associated with your shame, what you want?

Sadly, many people cannot.

If you can’t name what you want, if you can’t identify a desire, you will struggle to move forward.

6. Identify what God wants you to know about Him. When we carry around shame, we carry around a lie. In identifying that lie, we are identifying the truth that God wants us to know about Him.

If you feel unloved, the truth that God wants you to know is that you are loved. If you feel unwanted, God wants you to know you are wanted. If you feel dirty, God wants you to know the truth that in Him you are clean.

All throughout scripture we are told that God is a Father, that He is as close to us as a mother nursing her child, that God is compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in love, gracious, tender, strong and for us.

The list goes on and on.

In that list, though, is the truth, the antidote to your shame and what you need to remind yourself of to move forward and live into the freedom of Jesus.

6 ways to move forward from your shame.

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Freedom is hard.

Let’s be honest, freedom is difficult. Living in sin, shame, guilt and regret is easy. It is what we know. It is where most people live and reside.

Freedom is scary. Freedom is unknown. Freedom leaves us vulnerable. Freedom leaves us not in control.

Yet, this is what it means to be a child of God. To live in freedom. Overflowing freedom.

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When You’re Tempted to Quit Too Soon

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At some point, we are tempted to quit something.

It might be a job, a church plant, a team, a diet or workout plan, a book, a degree program or even a difficult marriage.

Why?

Because we’re human, and when things get difficult, many of us want to pack up and go home.

 

But what if on the other side of that difficulty is what we have longed for all along?

I think many times when we quit, we miss out on what God has for us.

Why do we quit?

Sacrifice.

It is hard.

Difficult.

Painful even.

Ross Perot said:

Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game one foot from a winning touchdown.

I think what often sets people apart is their ability to persevere in something when it is difficult.

If you watch great athletes, the ones who win the gold medal, hold up the trophy or score the winning point, you will often see someone who was willing to live through pain, hardship, and difficulty. What you don’t see is the workout at 4am, the eating plan they put themselves through, the saying “no” to a night out with friends to get 10 hours of sleep. You don’t see the 1,000 jump shots they took each day, the miles they swam or ran, or the weights they lifted beyond what even they thought they could do.

When you see a couple in their 50s laughing together and genuinely enjoying each other’s presence, what you don’t see are the sleepless nights because they wouldn’t go to bed angry but instead worked through that argument. The tension of dealing with past hurt and past baggage and bringing it all to light so they could move forward. The hours spent holding hands and praying together about facing the road ahead. You don’t see the hundreds and thousands of compliments and little annoyances they decided to overlook instead of making a big deal about it.

What is on the other side of that difficulty or hardship? Very likely the breakthrough you’ve been waiting for.

Most leaders are tempted to quit moments before their critical breakthrough. – Carey Nieuwhof

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But how do you know? How do you know if you should quit or keep moving, especially in a job like leadership?

Here are some things that I ask myself or encourage others to ask themselves:

Am I getting enough sleep? Often, but not always, the reason we are in a difficult season or want to quit is related to our sleep. When we are tired, we make poor eating choices, cut things out of our life that could be beneficial, have a short fuse with people and have a fogginess when it comes to our choices and thinking. This is why we often make better decisions in the morning instead of later in the afternoon.

Do I have enough outlets for stress? Leaders need outlets for stress – things that recharge them and help them keep going. Those outlets, when used correctly, will often help you stay the course. Things like sleeping, sabbath, eating well, working out, community. All of these are incredibly important to staying the course.

What led up to this season or desire to quit? A desire to quit often comes when we don’t know what else to do, but looking backward can be a helpful thing. Was there a leadership choice, a hire, a new launch that led to this season? Sometimes, we want to quit because we are running from something and a new opportunity or throwing in the towel is easier. Whenever a pastor calls me and says he’s thinking about leaving his church, the first question I ask him is, “What about your church is difficult right now?” Often, we are running from difficulty.

What does my community look like? It is easier to throw in the towel when we’re alone. Most sin happens in isolation. Community has a way of shining the light into places it needs to be. Many leaders leave a place because of isolation and loneliness.

What is my relationship with God like? Lastly, what is your relationship with God like? Too many pastors fall into, “God told me to leave” because it is hard to argue with. God may have called you to leave, but He may be telling you to endure as well. I can tell you that one is easier.

Only you know if you should quit something. You know what led to that season and choice, but you don’t know what’s on the other side of it. There have been many times in my over 10 years in Tucson that leaving would’ve been the easier choice, but each time I’ve stopped to ask myself these questions and others, I’m glad I kept walking in what God called me.

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Getting Unstuck in Life

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The fog.

It hits us in our prayer lives. We pray and pray and it seems like nothing happens.

We look for clarity in decisions, figuring out God’s will, what to do with this marital situation, this career move. Do we have kids now, get married now?

The fog.

How to clear the fog of faith.

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It comes around us and paralyzes us, and it keeps us stuck.

Life isn’t meant to be a fog. Faith isn’t meant to be a fog.

Are there times when it is difficult to see through something? Yes.

Does God use those times to teach us some incredible lessons? Yes.

One of the best ways that I’ve learned to see through the fog of life and faith is through distance and relationships.

We need distance from what is holding us up or causing a struggle in our lives. We need to remove ourselves from that place and pull back. Mark Batterson says, “Change of place + change of pace = change of perspective”, and he’s right.

Change of place + change of pace = change of perspective. -@MarkBatterson

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Distance allows us to see things in a new perspective. Distance also allows us to let go of things that stress us out or seem difficult. If you look back on your life, you can see how there are some things that were a big deal in the moment, but now you wonder why you lost sleep over it.

That’s the benefit of distance.

How to clear the fog and make the right decision.

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The second thing that helps to clear the fog is relationships.

Other people bring a perspective that you don’t have. They are able to see things you don’t and push on things you might miss. They are also able to remind you of truths that you can easily forget. This is crucial as you wrestle through past hurts or navigate a choice that can change your life in dramatic ways (like marriage or a cross country move).

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Goals Tip: Focus on 1, Not 5

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It’s the time of year when everyone is talking about resolutions or goals.

Some people are only talking about them because they plan to avoid them.

But the reality is, all of us set goals at different times in our lives.

It might be the goal to lose weight, change a relationship, get a new job, ask for a raise or promotion, go back to school, read more and get outside and start a hobby.

Here’s a goal tip.

Focus on one, not five (or two or three or ten).

Too often we set out to change our marriage, help with a child’s school, fix our heart issues or problems, get ahead at work or school, lose weight or get out of debt.

Do you know what that will all take?

Time and energy.

A lot of it.

We often underestimate the cost in those areas when we set a goal or make a change.

Changing your marriage will not happen overnight. You can’t fix a problem that has been growing for 13 years in eight weeks. That pain or hurt you’ve carried around for a decade will not go away from a few counseling sessions.

It will take time.

And we hate that.

Be okay that it might take a year or two for major progress to be seen.

Many of our goals are not one month projects but life altering processes.

Many of our goals are not one month projects but life altering processes.

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It will also take energy, not just physical energy but often emotional energy.

I remember when I lost 130 pounds in 18 months. Yes, it took physical energy and time, but it took a lot of emotional energy as I confronted why I turned to food and the role food played in my life.

This is never easy work.

I think that is why goals often get set aside, because we get into them and see how difficult they’ll be.

But it is also why we choose more than one. If we fail, we shrug and move on.

As you set your goal for the year, and I hope you do,

lay out the time and energy it will take. Ask, “Do I have the time and energy for this? Do I have the bandwidth to tackle this? What needs to change in my schedule, rhythm or outlook for me to move forward on this?”

Let me close with this.

Often we get discouraged not only because we don’t feel like we’re moving forward but because we feel like we are moving backwards or at best standing still. If you have a goal, this isn’t true (even if it feels like it).

Be okay with how long it will take. Enter that process.

But don’t try to short cut it and move past the hard things. It’s okay if you aren’t done, but (and this is key) don’t try to live like it is. Stay engaged in the change that is happening and what is going on in your life.

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Christmas is Over, Now What?

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I don’t know about you, but there is something about the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day. For some of us it is a hopeful, fun time as we look towards the coming year. For others, it is a time of regret from Christmas or simply going through the motions from the holiday.

Some call it the Christmas blues, others chalk it up as getting older. But they are real feelings.

I came across this quote a few years ago, and I feel like it encapsulates what a lot of people feel around Christmas (I can’t remember where I found it):

Christmas Eve. The perfect picture of anticipation: sleepless excitement for something we’ve been waiting for all year. Every year on December 24, my parents let us open a present. This was a teaser, a taste of things to come, and we kids relished it. Of course, it wasn’t much of a surprise – my mom always got us new pajamas, even when we didn’t need them. But still, it was a ritual of hope, one in which we celebrated the gift of giving and the joy of gratitude. Christmas morning. An unfortunate picture of disappointment. I am obviously only one person with his own set of experiences, but as I talk to others, I find similar feelings of frustration. As they get older, many people seem to develop a general distrust toward any day that promises to fill the emptiness they’ve felt all year long. This explains the rise in suicides during this season and why, for some, Christmas is a reminder of the inevitable letdown of life. The unfortunate answer to the question, “Did you get everything you wanted?” is, of course, no. And we feel terrible about this. Why can’t we be happy? Why can’t we be satisfied? Will we ever be content with what we have – with the gifts in our stockings, the toys under the tree? Why is there this constant thirst for more?

As I thought about it today, I started to wonder if we set ourselves up for failure leading up to Christmas. Christmas in many ways can be like a wedding and the letdown afterwards on the honeymoon. Follow me for a second. All of this pressure, build up, energy, stress, thinking and money go into Christmas and a wedding. Then it’s over. The parties, the gifts, family, friends, the tree, decorations, cards, Christmas specials, church services, and meals are over. Then we sit around looking at our gifts, watching our kids play with them and get tired of them and play with them some more.

You wake up on December 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th or 30th and wonder, “What now?”

Here are some things that came to mind as I prayed through this feeling for me that might be helpful for you:

Some ideas to survive the “Christmas blues.”

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Stop and take a breath. Slow down. December is a mad sprint for most of us. You went to more parties than you can count and ate more calories than you care to remember. You are tired. Take a break. Maybe take a nap. Read a good book, spend some extended time in your Bible. But give some time to slow down. Stop rushing. Sit down.

Get moving. As important as it is to sit down and take a break, it is equally important to get moving. Not in the way you did in December but moving around. Sitting around your house can be depressing after Christmas. You need to get out, take a run, a long walk, or a hike. Exercise. Get moving. I love to take a walk and listen to some good worship music (here’s my favorite playlist for that) and connect with God in creation.

Say thanks. Be thankful for what you have. Remember, someone is grateful with less than what you have. You may not have as much as someone else, but you have what God has seen fit to give you right now. Also, you may not see the next Christmas, or someone you just celebrated with may not see the next Christmas, so savor the moments. That isn’t meant to be depressing but a challenge to enjoy and savor what you have and what you’ve experienced. Take a little longer in those hugs or laughs or cries. We rush through Christmas and miss these moments, and then when family is gone and life is back to normal, we miss them.

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Links for Leaders 12/22/17

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It’s the weekend…finally (and it’s almost Christmas!!!). The perfect time to grab a cup of coffee and catch up on some reading. Below, you’ll find some articles I came across this week that I found helpful as a leader and parent and hope you do as well.

Before diving into those, in case you missed them this week. Here are the top 3 posts from my blog this week that I hope you find helpful:

Now, onto the posts I liked:

When should you give your kids a phone and what do you need to know before doing that? These are questions Katie and I are asking right now and this article from parent cue was incredibly helpful.

Christmas Eve is this weekend, which means lots of excitement and guests at many churches across America. But will those guests come back in January? Greg Atkinson who consults with a lot of churches on first impressions and guest services has 8 reasons why they won’t. 

The week between Christmas and New Years should be restful but for many of us, we’ll struggle with that. Here are some ideas to help you rest after Christmas.

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What Christmas Tells Us

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The emphasis on light in darkness comes form the Christian belief that the world’s hope comes from outside of it. The giving of gifts is a natural response to Jesus’ stupendous act of self-giving, when he laid aside his glory and was born into the human race. The concern for the needy recalls that the Son of God was born not into an aristocratic family but into a poor one. The Lord of the universe identified with the least and the most excluded of the human race. -Tim Keller, Hidden Christmas: The Surprising Truth Behind the Birth of Christ

The Surprising Truth Behind the Birth of Christ

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Leadership Conversations

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If you’re like me, you have conversations in your head or wish you could have certain conversations about leadership with someone.

You feel stuck, lost or unsure on how to proceed with something. It might be how to handle a difficult staff member, a financial problem or how to continue growing as a leader. It might be growth barriers, when to start a new product or ministry, or when to shut one down.

Maybe you research it, think about it, or stay up late at night wondering what to do about it.

Well, that’s where my good friend Casey Cease and I can help. Casey has started multiple businesses, is a church planter and is also the CEO of Lucid Books.

We started a new podcast to have those conversations.

It’s called Leadership Conversations where we have the conversations leaders want to have so that leaders can win at leadership. 

If you haven’t subscribed, you can do so here. We release a new podcast each Tuesday and if there are any topics or guests you’d like for us to cover, please let us know.

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Connecting with Your Kids and the Phases of Parenting

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This is a guest post from my wife Katie Reich based off of questions we often get about resources for connecting with your kids.

My life basically smells of dried catsup, loose leaf paper, and essential oils. When you have five kids, even doing “nothing” is busier than the average busy. Thankfully I love my kids and my life.

“Passionate and intentional adventure toward God” is a huge part of our family mission statement. To be honest, that isn’t always easy. With the life of a family of seven, just feeding, schooling, and refereeing can take up most of our day.

Finding resources that fit our family values and schedule is not always easy. About two years ago our church switched over to the Orange Curriculum.

It seemed like a good choice with some great handouts to encourage parent involvement and tools to help kids of all ages take their next step with God.

During that time I read “It’s Just a Phase” and dog-eared so many pages, all the while wishing there was a way to disseminate the information for each of my kids in an orderly and timely way without having to cross reference post-its, highlights and dog-eared pages. Well, Kristen Ivey and Reggie Joiner have done just that plus more in the “Parenting Your ….” guides.

How @theparentcue guides are helping us as parents.

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These guides are road maps to helping take what you know about your child combined with others their age, while encouraging you/me to become a more thoughtful and engaged parent.

Do yourself a favor and buy it the week of your child’s birthday….

  • if you don’t know what conversations to have with her.
  • if each year you wish you knew your child better physically, socially, mentally and emotionally.
  • if each year you want book, game and movie suggestions to create connections and a jumping point to help develop his emotional intelligence.
  • if you need a reminder of how long you have until she turns 18 and it scares you just a little.
  • if you want to create a plan to engage thoughtfully with him but don’t know where to start.
  • if life is busy and you want to really notice her and help her to grow.

You can order your copies here.

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How the Enneagram is Helping Me Grow as a Leader

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It seems like everywhere you turn in the Christian world right now, someone is talking about the Enneagram. There are books, podcasts and blogs popping up everywhere.

I was first introduced to it two years ago as part of a leadership training I did with Katie through Crosspoint.

If you aren’t familiar, here’s a helpful description from Crosspoint:

We are in Christ so that we may become like Christ. (Ephesians 3:17) This is the journey of Christian spiritual formation. It requires a self-clarity anchored in the reality of being created in the image of God and re-created in the likeness of Christ. It involves ‘putting off’ the old way of being and ‘putting on’ the new way of being by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Ephesians 4:20-24) Without a greater awareness of the unconscious motivations that impact our decisions and relationships, we remain stuck.

Each personality style carries a particular challenge to Christian maturity. This is what the desert fathers and mothers of the third and fourth century discovered. These spiritual guides were concerned about unacknowledged patterns that kept Christians from a deeper walk with Christ. As they listened and prayed, various patterns began to emerge. The individual Fruits of the Spirit (nine godly virtues) faced the corruptive power of nine specific vices. And it seemed to them that each virtue was susceptible to a particular vice. True sanctification of the heart would be impossible without addressing this subtle but sinful reality.

What I have found most helpful is that at the beginning of taking the Enneagram, it shows you your personality style. The way that you perceive reality, process reality and how you present yourself to the world around you.

In light of that, here are some ways it is helping me as a leader:

Helping me to know the mask I wear. Most adults and leaders are not self aware. Most of the people I meet with do not know how they are wired, how that wiring works, what they are best suited to do or not do. Knowing this one thing helps to save you a lot of heartache when it comes to figuring out a job, where to serve in a church or what would make you excited in the morning.

A key to success is knowing what you can and can’t do.

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Many people also don’t understand the mask that they wear. The Enneagram really helped me understand the mask I wear, not only to protect myself in relationships, but also to get ahead. It really does help you understand the sins and tendencies that will bring you down. Sadly, many people will take the Enneagram or any test and say, “Well I’m just this or that, so that’s all there is to it.” That isn’t it or the end, and that is a sad excuse to stay stuck.

Which leads to the next one…

Helps those closest to me challenge me and pray for me. I’m an 8 on the Enneagram, which means I bring a lot of energy and intensity to everything I do and every relationship I have. I often joke that if you want something done and don’t care how it gets done, send an 8. If you want it done a specific way, send a 1. If you want it done efficiently, send a 3.

Knowing how I’m wired not only helps me process what I’m feeling and thinking when things happen, but it helps those around me understand that as well. It helps them to give grace when needed, but also to push on me when needed. They can also point out my blindspots a lot faster than simply guessing if I am that way.

If you are a friend with someone who is a 7, they can very easily be the life of the party, but they can also be impulsive, all over the map and lean towards escapism in unhealthy places. Knowing this is incredibly helpful not only for the person but for those around them.

Most people know that everyone is not wired like they are, but we rarely live like that is true.

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Helps me to appreciate others wiring and give grace to them. Most people know that everyone is not wired like they are, but we rarely live like that is true. The Enneagram has really helped me understand how others are created, how they process and see things and how they protect themselves. 1’s are incredibly hard on things, they love things to be done well and perfectly (to their standards). They are also 10 times harder on themselves than on those around them. Knowing this has allowed me to extend a lot of grace to 1’s and help me understand the frustration they experience.

If you are friends with a 2 on the Enneagram, they love to help people and are often right in the center of helping to make things happen. But they also struggle to know what they need in a situation because they are often so focused on helping others and meeting their needs. Knowing this is enormously helpful to know how someone needs to pace themselves and make sure they have strong boundaries for rest and rejuvenation.

This matters in relationships because many times we will look at how others see the world and dismiss it because it is different than our viewpoint, or we will see how someone struggles with something and if we don’t struggle with that, we can easily look down on them or wonder why that is such a stumbling block to them. I feel like understanding this has raised my ability to give grace in situations that in the past I would’ve given up on someone.

Helps those closest to me understand my reactions and how I process the world. While the Enneagram has been a help to me in relationships, it has been a help to those closest to me as well as we’ve discussed what we’re learning together. This one point was one of the biggest aha moments for Katie and me in our marriage.

If you’re married, do you know how your spouse processes the world? You might know their reactions to things because you are so used to it by now, but do you know why they react that way? Where that comes from?

Do you know how your spouse or those closest to you process the world?

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Most people don’t, but that one piece of information is incredibly important and helpful. Your spouse might get angry easily, but do you know why? People get angry for different reasons. That is how they process the world. Your spouse might shut down emotionally, but do you know why? They might look at the world through lenses of fear, melancholy, co-dependence, or being focused on their image.

All of those things matter and are important. And knowing these helps with the next one.

Helps me to know if my reactions or processing are sins. Getting angry isn’t always a sin, but sometimes it is. Isolating isn’t always a sin, but it can be. Being incredibly helpful and others-focused is a great quality, but it can be a sin. Getting things done is incredibly important and will make you very successful, but it can be destructive.

It is understanding yourself in the light of the person God created and called you to be that you are able to understand if something is a sin.

Being able to articulate that this is my childhood wound, this is how that has affected my life, this is how I have found redemption from it, is crucial in our journey to being whole in Christ. Being able to know this is why I’m fearful, anxious, frugal, emotionally sensitive, and what parts of those feelings and actions are sins or not is really important. I think it gives a bigger picture of humanity.

It keeps you from imploding. The last thing the Enneagram has helped me with as a leader is protecting from implosion. Now, the reality is that all of us are a choice away from wrecking our lives, but the Enneagram has helped me know what can wreck my life, what struggle can bring me or another person down. And they are different.

Another important aspect has come out of talking to counselors who have been using the Enneagram, and it is this: What made you successful in your 20’s and 30’s can often be the thing that brings you down in your 40’s and 50’s.

What made you successful in your 20’s & 30’s can often be the thing that brings you down in your 40’s & 50’s.

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We have all seen this. The hard driving 28 year old who starts a business and “makes it happen” quickly becomes the tyrant no one wants to work for when he’s 42.

The person who is always helping others early in life who becomes co-dependent in relationships, and now they don’t know who they are without people.

The person who is the life of the party and the one you always want to have around because of how spontaneous and fun they are, but in their 40’s they are irresponsible and too impulsive as they switch from job to job.

Knowing the resourceful and non-resourceful side of your personality is crucial to knowing what will bring you down and the road to health.