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What our Family Does on Halloween

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I get asked each year at this time if I let my kids go trick or treating. Within the Christian community, there has always been a polarizing debate about halloween. Do we as Christians reject it, receive it or redeem it?

Because Halloween is next week, I thought I’d share what we do as a family.

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Rejecting it would mean we turn our porch light off, pretend October 31st, does not exist and shun those who participate in a day dedicated to eating too much candy. Receiving it would mean we simply go along with what our culture does, participating mindlessly. I think both of these fall short of what God calls us to as his followers.

While there is some history about the origins of Halloween that Christians should be aware of and Justin Holcomb has a great look at that history here.

Practically, the question remains what you’ll do on that day. For our family, we’ve chosen to participate with our neighbor and seek to redeem Halloween. Here are some things we’re doing:

  • Stand out in our driveway. Be out front to say hi to everyone, talk to them. This is a great opportunity to meet your neighbors. Everyone is out walking around. Not sure how often that happens in your neighborhood, but it isn’t an everyday occurrence. Being present in your neighborhood is a great step forward in being on mission in your neighborhood.
  • Build a fire in your fire pit. It makes people hang out longer when there is a fire. Put some chairs around it and invite people to sit down with you.
  • Have the best candy. Your house as a follower of Jesus should be the house kids want to go to 5 times because your candy rocks.
  • Have something great for the adults. We often have hot apple cider or some other treat that adults can take with them. Maybe bottle of water. Something they can take with them.
  • Include your community group. Because the mission of our RC is our neighborhood, many from RC will come and trick or treat with us and spend time helping to hand out candy.
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The Making of a Leader: Recognizing the Lessons & Stages of Leadership Development

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bookEvery Saturday, I review a book that I read recently. If you missed any, you can read past reviews here. This week’s book is The Making of a Leader: Recognizing the Lessons & Stages of Leadership Development by Robert Clinton.

I have had this book on my kindle for years and have heard about it from a number of leaders, but just recently got around to reading it. I actually took a group of younger leaders through it and as I was reading it, all I could think was, If I had read this sooner, I may have saved myself some leadership pain. 

In this book, Clinton lays out the stages a leader goes through to become the leader God intends them to be. He has 6 stages:

  1. Sovereign foundations: In Phase I, God providentially works foundational items into the life of the leader-to-be. Personality characteristics, experiences good and bad, and the time context will be used by God. The building blocks are there, though the structure being built may not be clearly in focus. Character traits are embedded.
  2. Inner-life Growth: In Phase II an emerging leader usually receives some kind of training. Often it is informal4 in connection with ministry. The leader-to-be learns by doing in the context of a local church or Christian organization. The basic models by which he or she learns are imitation modeling5 and informal apprenticeships,6 as well as mentoring. Sometimes it is formal training (especially if the person intends to go into full-time leadership) in a Bible school or seminary. 8 Sometimes, during the academic program, the person gets ministry experience.
  3. Ministry Maturing: In Phase III the emerging leader gets into ministry as a prime focus of life. He or she will get further training, informally through self-study growth projects or nonformally through functionally oriented workshops, etc.10 The major activities of Phase III are ministry. The training that goes on is rather incidental and often not intentional.
  4. Life Maturing: Phase IV will have this “you-minister-from-what-you-are” emphasis. During Phase IV the leader identifies and uses his or her gift-mix with power. There is mature fruitfulness. God is working through the leader using imitation modeling (Hebrews 13:7-8). That is, God uses one’s life as well as gifts to influence others. This is a period in which giftedness emerges along with priorities. One recognizes that part of God’s guidance for ministry comes through establishing ministry priorities by discerning gifts.
  5. Convergence: Phase V convergence occurs. That is, the leader is moved by God into a role that matches gift-mix, experience, temperament, etc. Geographical location is an important part of convergence. The role not only frees the leader from ministry for which there is no gift, but it also enhances and uses the best that the leader has to offer. Not many leaders experience convergence.
  6. Afterglow: Phase VI is the legacy leaders desire to leave, when they are able to bathe in what God has done.

According to Clinton, most leaders do not make it past stage 3.

The reason is simple. Young leaders when they get started, want to get started. The problem they run into is that stages 1-3 are all about the inner life of the leader. In those stages, God is working on the leader, in their heart developing them for the future. Very few books nail the inner life of a leader and help them work through what God is doing in their life without coming off as cliche, this book nails it.

I can’t recommend it enough for leaders.

Here are a few things that I highlighted:

  • Leadership is a lifetime of lessons.
  • The terms patterns, processes, and principles are foundational to understanding the analysis of a person’s life. Patterns deal with the overall framework, or the big picture, of a life. Processes deal with the ways and means used by God to move a leader along in the overall pattern. Principles deal with the identification of foundational truths within processes and patterns that have a wider application to leaders.
  • A proper, godly response allows a leader to learn the fundamental lessons God wants to teach. If the person doesn’t learn, he will usually be tested again in the same areas.
  • We minister out of what we are.
  • While all of life is used to shape us, some items in life can be tied more directly to leadership development.
  • The God-given capacity to lead has two parts: giftedness and character. Integrity is the heart of character.
  • An integrity check is a test that God uses to evaluate intentions in order to shape character.
  • There are three parts to an integrity check: the challenge to consistency with inner convictions, the response to the challenge, and the resulting expansion of ministry.
  • Because character development has many facets, there are a variety of integrity checks. This is a sampling of the many that I have identified: values (which determine convictions), temptation (which tests conviction), conflict against ministry vision (which tests faith), an alternative in guidance situations (which tests calling), persecution (which tests steadfastness), loyalty (which tests allegiance), and restitution (which tests honesty).
  • God won’t use a leader who lacks integrity.
  • God’s first priority in developing a leader is to refine his or her character.
  • A desire to please the Lord in a ministry task is a sign of maturity.
  • Leaders who have trouble submitting to authority will usually have trouble exercising spiritual authority.
  • authority insights and relational insights—rooted in the authority problem—may never be learned apart from conflict.
  • Leaders in the Ministry Maturing phase must learn to submit to authority in order to learn how to use authority properly.
  • Leadership backlash tests a leader’s perseverance, clarity of vision, and faith.
  • At the heart of leadership is communication between God and the leader.
  • Part of the development of spirituality includes what happens when a person faces isolation.
  • The qualities of love, compassion, empathy, discernment, and others are deepened. Such qualities dif ferentiate between a successful leader and a mature successful leader.
  • Leaders are often busy people. They are preoccupied with many facets of life and ministry. Often they do not notice that they are not growing, particularly in spiritual formation. God often breaks into the leader’s life at this point.
  • Isolation is one of the most effective means for maturing a leader.
  • Quality leadership does not come easily. It requires time, experience, and repeated instances of maturity processing.
  • Mature ministry flows from a mature character, formed in the graduate school of life.
  • God will vindicate spiritual authority.
  • Organizational change without ownership is treacherous.
  • All leaders operate from a ministry philosophy.
  • When God is trying to teach me a lesson, He will do so through many means. Important lessons are usually repeated.
  • In a power conflict the leader with higher power will usually win regardless of rightness of issue.
  • A person convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
  • Leaders with good ministry philosophies usually finish well.
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24 Ways to have Charisma

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  1. Charismatic people impact the world, whether they’re starting new projects, new companies, or new empires.
  2. Research shows that those following charismatic leaders perform better, experience their work as more meaningful, and have more trust in their leaders than those following effective but non-charismatic leaders.
  3. Charismatic leaders “cause followers to become highly committed to the leader’s mission, to make significant personal sacrifices, and to perform above and beyond the call of duty.”
  4. When you meet a charismatic person, you get the impression that they have a lot of power and they like you a lot. Charismatic individuals choose specific behaviors that make other people feel a certain way.
  5. Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation: Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences. Reduce how quickly and how often you nod. Pause for two full seconds before you speak.
  6. Charismatic behavior can be broken down into three core elements: presence, power, and warmth.
  7. Being seen as powerful means being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status.
  8. People will tend to accept whatever you project.
  9. For charisma, your body language matters far more than your words do.
  10. Because what’s in your mind shows up in your body and because people will catch even the briefest microexpression, to be effective, charismatic behaviors must originate in your mind.
  11. Anxiety is a serious drawback to charisma.
  12. The ability to be comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity turns out to be one of the strongest predictors of success in business.
  13. You can display nearly any body language just by picking the right visualization.
  14. Focus charisma is primarily based on a perception of presence. It gives people the feeling that you are fully present with them, listening to them and absorbing what they say. Focus charisma makes people feel heard, listened to, and understood.
  15. Once we’ve made a judgment about someone, we spend the rest of our acquaintanceship seeking to prove ourselves correct. Everything we see and hear gets filtered through this initial impression.
  16. So how can you make a fantastic first impression? Our default setting here is actually quite simple: people like people who are like them.
  17. People will associate you with whatever feelings your conversation generates.
  18. Good listeners know never, ever to interrupt.
  19. To be charismatic, you need to create strong positive associations and avoid creating negative ones.
  20. Don’t try to impress people. Let them impress you, and they will love you for it. Believe it or not, you don’t need to sound smart. You just need to make them feel smart.
  21. As a leader, the emotions conveyed by your body language, even during brief, casual encounters, can have a ripple effect through your team or even your entire company.
  22. People simply accept what you project.
  23. Presentations are about convincing people of something.
  24. Charisma’s greatest danger is that it gives you the power to convince people even when you’re completely wrong.

Quotes from The Charisma Myth By Olivia Fox Cabane

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Sustainability Questions

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I recently read Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, & Relationships that all of us Have to Give up in Order to Move Forward by Henry Cloud. He had a great list of questions to help someone determine if the life they are living, whether in work, pace or a relationship is sustainable for a long period of time. Here they are:

  1. Are you in an emotional state right now that is not sustainable? I am not talking about just a “hard time” or a time that you would not want to continue forever. Life is full of difficulties, but with proper support and other resources, we can endure them if we have to and if we have a good reason to. What I am referring to is a hard time that is truly not sustainable and often continues for no good reason. Are you in a state that is eating your heart, mind, soul, or energy in such a way that you are headed for some sort of crash or burnout?
  2. Are you in a physical state right now that is not sustainable? Too much travel? Too little sleep? Too much “on the go”? Too much taxing of your physical system? For a prolonged period of time with no end in sight? Too little exercise? Too much junk food?
  3. Are you in a state right now in your relationships that is not sustainable? Is there some relationship that is depleting or damaging you? Is there a context in which you feel compromised or forced to adapt to another person’s needs and demands out of fear? Are you in a situation where someone has power over you and is slowly diminishing you?
  4. Are you in a professional state right now that is not sustainable? In your work, is something going on in the culture or in your relationship with your boss that you cannot continue long-term without some sort of damage to your drive, talents, or passion? This does not include all difficult cultures or bosses, as most people have some period of time in a setting like that, which really builds them or equips them over time, even if it is hard. What I am referring to is something that is not equipping you or causing you to grow but is slowly wearing you down or killing something inside of you.
  5. Are you in a spiritual state right now that is not sustainable? In your spirit, is something causing you to be diminished? Is hope being deferred in some way that is causing a sickness of spirit? Are you losing a sense of meaning in life? Is something happening that is causing you to feel depleted of a sense of purpose, mission, transcendence, love, or other spiritual dimensions? A diminished belief in humanity or diminished faith? Is your ability to hope being affected?
  6. Are you in a financial state right now that is not sustainable? In your business or personal finances, are your expenses greater than what’s coming in, with no end in sight? Is the curve between investment and certain returns way out of whack? Do you not know how your real, fixed, non-negotiable expenses are going to be covered in the current path that you are on? Said another way, if something does not change, are you going to run out of money and have no options? If “cash equals options,” are you on a path of diminishing options?
  7. Are your energy reserves being depleted in a way that is not sustainable? Is there something so draining to your energy that you have to make yourself keep going? Do you have to drag yourself in a particular path continually? Is there a clear drain that is causing that? • Are you letting your strengths fall into disuse in a way that is not sustainable? Are you on a course where your strengths are not available to you? Are you being cornered, at work or elsewhere, in a way that requires you to be “not you” most of the time? Is the real you slowly going to sleep? Do you fear that it may not be able to be reawakened?
  8. Do you find yourself in a situation where you are overextended in some way, one that began as an anomaly but now has become a pattern? Many times this happens with a person’s schedule or workload. What they thought was going to be a lot of work or extra hours or effort for a while has now become what is required to keep it all going, as the entity or enterprise has become shaped and formed around exactly that ingredient, all that effort from just one source—you. So what was supposed to be a season has now become a pattern, the new normal.

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Creating a Personal/Family Mission Statement

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Family Mission Statement

Yesterday, I talked about how to create a lasting, worthwhile legacy as a man and family. Many people took the next step of “creating a personal/family mission statement.” This can be a daunting, overwhelming task.

Katie and I went through this practice last year. To help us, we each reach through Patrick Lencioni’s book Three Questions for a Frantic Family. You can read my review of the book here.

You need to know this up front:

  • This process is incredibly freeing.
  • There is no right or wrong mission statement. It is your life, your family, you get to define it. So don’t compare to others.
  • Lastly, future generations are affected by this statement. This will define how you spend your time, your money, who you are friends with, where you will worship Jesus, etc. Your grandkids will feel the affect of this statement and if you don’t have one.

Why do this?

Creating a family mission statement helps your family make better decisions.

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If you don’t do this, your family and you personally wander around aimlessly. How do you make a decision when both options seem good? Without a mission statement you guess and hope you are right. With a mission statement, decisions become easier. You are also able to evaluate things more clearly.

Let’s get started.

Start by listing all the things that describe your family. Not what you hope your family or life is, but what you really are. What is important to you? What matters most? What things will you fight til the death on? This list should be exhaustive. You are listing everything you can think of.

Now, start paring it down. Are there words that mean the same thing or can be combined? You are looking for about 5 words to describe your family or you personally. You want it to be short enough to fit on a T-shirt so you remember it.

Now that you have your statement comes a great addition that Lencioni calls “The rallying cry.” This is what you is the most important thing for your family to accomplish in the next 2-6 months. Maybe it is debt, a health issue, a learning issue for a child, your marriage. It is, outside of the normal things your family does, the one thing you have to do in the next 2-6 months for your family to go to the next level. Accomplishing this, would mean a whole new ballgame for your family.

One you have your “Rallying cry” what do you need to do to accomplish this? List all the things it will take.

A simple way to take stress and busyness out of your family calendar.

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Got it.

Okay, now share it with a close friend or two. This can be incredibly scary. Ask them to listen as you read it and give feedback. Are the words you used to describe your family, what your family is? Do they see a different value system than you do? You want to pick close friends for this.

Once you feel confident, put the mission statement and the rallying cry in a place where you will see it on a regular basis to remind you and keep you on track.

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