Posted on Thursday, October 13, 2022

The Big & Little things that Destroy Relationships

by Josh Reich

Photo by Caleb Gregory on Unsplash

All of us have watched families and relationships fall apart. Marriages fizzle out, friendships grow distant, and families stop talking to each other. Some of these are simply life situations (like when friends move), but others are things that could be avoided. The problem is that we usually see relational issues too late.

What if you could see ahead of time what could destroy a relationship? What if you could do certain things to ensure a relationship didn’t fall apart? The answer is, you can.

In Galatians 5, the apostle Paul gives us two lists, one that shows us what can destroy relationships and one that shows how to have the best relationships possible.

Before getting to the lists, I want you to think about one person or relationship. This could be your spouse, kids, grandkids, or in-laws. It might be a combination of a few relationships. Each relationship has its challenges, but as you think about this, remember you can only control your part of the relationship. You can only change yourself. You can’t change your spouse, kids, boss, or friend – only yourself.

The big & little things that can destroy your most important relationships.

Okay, with that in mind, let’s get to the list.

The first one is what can destroy our relationships found in Galatians 5:19 – 21: Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and anything similar. I am warning you about these things—as I warned you before—that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

The little & big things that can destroy your marriage.

There’s a lot here.

Can you see what you might struggle with? What shows up in your most important relationships?

Each of us has something.

But think about your relationship; what could destroy it from this list? What do you need to be aware of? What do you need to be watching for? What things have you fallen into that you must confess or put guardrails around?

Dr. John Gottman is considered the expert on marriage and relationships. He says four things destroy our relationships and calls them The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Now, in our relationships, each of us has a go-to move. We might use all of them, but one of them is our favorite. And they back up what Paul says in Galatians 5.

What the best relationships have in common.

You can’t change what you don’t name, and you can’t guard against something you don’t identify. So, knowing what can destroy your most important relationships is essential.

Then, Paul gives us another list. A list you have heard before if you have a church background. He tells us in verse 22: the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Paul shows us the opposite of our default selves by giving us another list.

What the best marriages have in common.

He calls this list the fruit of the Spirit. Notice it doesn’t say fruits. Meaning this should be true of every follower of Jesus. Before we apply these, notice that Paul doesn’t give us an out. We don’t get to say, “well, I’m just not a patient person.” Or “I’m argumentative; that’s how I communicate.” He says these should be evident in the life of every follower of Jesus.

Some of them may come naturally to you based on your personality. You might be a naturally patient or kind person. Gentleness or self-control may be easy for you.

By calling it a fruit, though, Paul is telling us something else about these things:

Growth is gradual. Fruit doesn’t grow all at once. Being led by the Spirit is a gradual move in our life, but it is moving.
Growth is inevitable. With suitable soil, fertilizer, and ingredients, change will happen.

But what do these look like in relationships?

Love: To serve another person, choosing to love them. Love is not a feeling that overwhelms you but a choice you make daily. It is the opposite of fear, self-protection, or abusing people. It also means to seek the best for the other person.

Joy: is the opposite of hopelessness or despair, not having mood swings based on circumstances. Not blind optimism, but not wallowing in self-pity and pessimism, and seeing the good in each situation you face.

Peace: Having confidence in God while life seems to crash on you. Peace replaces anxiety and worry, apathy, or not caring about something. This also means striving for contentment and unity in relationships.

Patience: To face trouble or anxiety, or stress without blowing up. Not having resentment or cynicism or not caring. In relationships, this can mean being slow to speak and slow to become angry.

Kindness: Serving others practically, being vulnerable, opening your life up to others and not being envious, being able to rejoice when someone else succeeds or celebrating their joy.

Goodness: Integrity, being the same person everywhere rather than being phony or a hypocrite, and saying things with kindness. Telling the truth in love while being loving, not just telling the truth.

Faithfulness: To be reliable and counted on. When you make a promise, you can take it to the bank; you don’t cheat or cheat on people. The people closest to you should be able to trust and believe you.

Gentleness: is softness, a caring that you have for those around you and those in need. Having humility in relationships and being calm. Men do not get to say, “I’m not gentle.”

Self-control: Not impulsive, able to control your emotions, actions, and desires. Having willpower over areas of your life, not being controlled by porn, feelings, drugs, alcohol, work, or anything else, striving to control your impulses.

What the best marriages look like.

Which of these come naturally for you? Which ones are a struggle that you need to grow in?

What would it look like if your marriage and most important relationships had these in them? Imagine if this list was true of your most important relationships and life.

What is true of the healthiest families.

Posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2022

20 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage after 20 Years

by Josh Reich

Today, Katie and I celebrate 20 years of marriage.

It is hard to believe that 20 years ago, on a cold and cloudy day in Pennsylvania, we said, “I do.”

We have been through a lot over the years. We have moved to multiple states, started a church, adopted two kids, and moved across the country to start a new adventure.

As we sat together last night and reflected on the years, we have learned a lot and seen a lot.

I thought I’d share 20 things I’ve learned over the 20 years:

20 things I’ve learned about marriage after being married for 20 years.

Love is a choice. Yes, love is an emotion, to a degree. But love is first a choice. You choose to love the other person. You decide to love yourself.

There are many mornings when you wake up, and you don’t feel love for yourself or your spouse, but you choose to love them. Your spouse will hurt you and let you down and miss things; you will do the same to them. But decide to love them, the person they are, not the person you imagined you were marrying (because they do change over time, more on that later!).

Your story catches up to you. At some point in your mid-life, your story catches up to you. All the things said and done to you, all the scars and wounds you carry catch up to you. We spend a lot of our lives trying to pretend they aren’t there or running from them. Vulnerability and intimacy have a way of bringing those scars out.

Decide you will last. This might seem obvious, although many of this list might be obvious.

But a mentor told me once, “Josh, decide you will make it to the end in marriage and that nothing will stop that.” Marriage has incredible moments, moments, unlike any other relationship. But it also has some incredibly dark and challenging moments. Decide that you will make it “til death do us part.“

Choose your spouse over everything. There will be many opportunities to choose something or someone over your spouse: your parents, a job, a child, a hobby. Don’t. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or parents, but you always choose your spouse over everyone (apart from Jesus) and everything else. And yes, your kids are not the center of your marriage; they will leave one day.

Set your rules. Every couple has rules, some written down and some unwritten.

Some of our rules are: we share our passwords to every computer, calendar, phone, email, and social media account with the other person (I always joke that Katie could make me disappear online).

We never make fun of the other person. Ever.

We share our bank accounts.

There are more, but you get the idea. Set your rules as a couple and stick to them.

20 marriage lessons

Don’t stop learning about your spouse. It is easy to think you know everything about your spouse, but there’s a chance you don’t. So, ask questions, and be curious. Learn with them. Grow together, do things they enjoy that might take you out of your comfort zone. If you need a place to start, try this.

You also need to understand that there is a good chance you married your opposite. This is what drew you together but can also pull you apart if you aren’t careful. It is important to know your spouse’s personality, how they get life, what drains them of energy, and how they respond to stress, if they are verbal or mental processors (usually opposites in marriage).

Be a student of them.

The highlights you see online don’t tell the whole story. It is easy to compare your real life to the imagined life on Instagram, but it will steal your joy if you do.

The highlight reel you see online is not the whole story. You don’t see that couple fight, clean their house or pick out paint colors.

Guard your heart and mind as you look at what other people post and what others say. We aren’t honest with many people, and in that, it can be easy to think others have it so much better than we do.

Belief in your spouse is powerful. One of the greatest gifts Katie has given me is her belief in me. She has sat on the front row of so many sermons, sacrificed to see me reach goals and do what God has called me to do. Her belief in my skills and abilities has given me the courage to go further than I would on my own.

That is powerful.

The flip side is also true. When a spouse doesn’t believe in the other person, that is also powerful. We carry a lot of power in our words to bless and harm.

Your words are one of the most powerful things you have in a marriage.

Know who does what and encourage the other person. One of the most important things in a marriage is figuring out who will do what. Most people get married and assume that what their parents did is what they’ll do (or the exact opposite). This takes some negotiating together and a lot of grace.

But learn what you do well in your marriage and life.

Then encourage them to go after it.

Don’t stop complimenting them. It is easy to stop praising your spouse and not know it. It is easy to stop saying thank you to your spouse and not know it.

Life gets busy, you’ve seen your spouse in all kinds of situations, and you think, “They know I love them and appreciate them.” And for some of us, compliments don’t mean as much.

But compliment them. Thank them for the little things they do. I always marvel at all the things in my life that get done without me doing them; those are Katie. I can take them for granted (which I do too often), or I can thank her and acknowledge what she does.

Purity matters…a lot. This might seem obvious, but this still makes the list.

It is easy for men and women not to be pure somehow, but not having purity in your marriage is incredibly harmful. This isn’t just sexual but also emotional, mental, and relational.

Keep yourself pure and make sure that you are growing closer to your spouse, not someone else.

Set up boundaries for this, and talk about what you need to stay connected sexually, emotionally, relationally, mentally, and spiritually. And yes, you should know what those things are for each other.

Know what season of life you are in. This is a whole post in itself. Know where you are in life. Know what you can handle physically and emotionally, how much energy you have, if you are doing internal work with a counselor, starting a business, etc.

We’re in our 40s, so there are things we did in our 20s that we can’t do now. I need more sleep now than I got in my 20s.

Every season is different. When we moved to Massachusetts, we immediately felt like we hit a new season of parenting, having almost four teenagers. And we did. So, we sat down to talk through what this season meant, what we have the capacity for, how that impacts our rhythms and needs, and how we flourish in it.

Know what season of life and marriage you are in and live in that season.

Get counseling and mentors. I know in some Christian circles that counseling can have a stigma to it, and that’s too bad. Almost everyone should be meeting with some counselor or spiritual director. The benefits we have received from solid Christian counseling are immense and life/marriage-saving.

To have someone who will ask hard questions and point the finger at places I need to deal with has been a godsend. Not easy or always pleasant, but a godsend.

Don’t wait until you need counseling to find a counselor.

For mentors, look for a couple that is further along than you are, who has a marriage or something about their marriage or parenting you want to emulate. Then spend time with them. We are picking the brains of empty nesters, trying to discern what it looks like between now and then, and navigating the teen years.

Pray together. We aren’t pros at this, and many nights, we fall asleep without praying together, but when we miss a day, we get back to it the next day.

Pray together at meals, when you face big and small decisions, when you feel lost or stuck. Share with your spouse what you need prayer for and ask how you can pray for them.

Prayer requests are a great way to see into the heart and struggles of your spouse.

Laughter matters…a lot. Marry someone you have fun with and who makes you laugh.

Katie always keeps me on my toes; she is more fun than I am and more spontaneous. And she is a blast to be around.

For me, God knew I needed someone who would help me to laugh because I am so serious.

Lead your wife. Husbands, one of your jobs is to lead your wife spiritually. Ephesians 5 says that you will present your wife to Jesus one day.

Throughout the years, I have listened to Katie as she shares what she is going through and then bought her books to help her along life’s paths—finding opportunities to grow professionally and personally.

One of my goals is that Katie will be able to say she is better for having been married to me.

Date nights and getaways. Never stop pursuing and dating your spouse. Buy them gifts, surprise them with things, and have a weekly date night and getaway each year.

None of that has to be extravagant; it could be as simple as sitting together at a coffee shop or shopping together. But make plans and follow through on them.

Dream together. On our honeymoon, we talked and dreamed about what life would be like. Some of that came true. Some didn’t.

At the beginning of covid, we both did Paterson Life Plans, and it was incredibly clarifying. It helped us name this decade our “launch decade” as we prepare to launch five healthy, mature adults who love Jesus (our goal). We also talked and dreamed about what life and ministry will look like as empty nesters and how to prepare for that.

Make time to dream together.

The power of dreaming together as a married couple.

Be a great servant lover. It is easy to be a selfish lover, to look out for your physical needs over the other person.

This is a great way to ensure you end up in a frigid marriage.

Ask your spouse what they like and don’t like physically. And know that throughout your life, this will change. This is impacted not only by health and age but also by things your spouse is going through or what your kids are going through and your energy.

Be kind, soft, and compassionate to the other person and yourself.

And lastly, this is a big one:

Affection is the barometer of your marriage. I had a guy tell me recently that this isn’t true.

But I stick by this.

If you want to know the health of your marriage, look at your affection.

And affection is not the same thing as sex. Affection is pursuit, kindness, holding hands, hugging, kissing hello or goodbye, saying kind things to the other person, sitting close to the other person, and serving them. All of those things go into affection.

Affection is also the first thing to go in a marriage when life gets busy, or we start to feel distant. Slowly, you don’t sit close to the other person; you don’t pick them up something from Starbucks when you’re out; you don’t get what they like at the grocery store.

That’s affection.

One of the things we are constantly watching is our affection.

There are a lot of other lessons over the years, but those are the twenty things I’ve learned.

20 thoughts about marriage.

Posted on Tuesday, March 1, 2022

How to Evaluate Your Relationships

by Josh Reich

love neon signage

Sunday we continued our series The Better Half and looked at the tone or narrative of our relationships. They create the atmosphere for our most important relationships. This includes how we look at money, sex, how we speak to each other, handle conflict, and so much more.

The tone for our relationships started a long time ago in our family of origin. You learned how to think about the opposite sex from how your parents handled sexuality and talked about the opposite sex. You learned how to handle conflict by how your parents dealt with conflict. Maybe you have continued that or tried to go the other way as an adult. But the impact is still there.

Here is where this can become an issue.

Often, we are unaware of the tone of our relationships. We are unaware of how we interact because we have grown up in it; it is all we know, etc. When you go to someone’s house for the first time, you might see everything wrong with the house, but they have slowly stopped seeing it because they are used to it.

Colossians 3:5 – 17 allows us to evaluate our most important relationships.

How to evaluate your relationships.

Here’s how I’d encourage you to proceed:

Read through the verses below.
Choose one or two relationships that matter deeply to you.
Look at your side of the relationship and how you are contributing to it. Remember, you can only control your part of the relationship.

Here is what Paul says in Colossians 3:1 – 17:

So if you have been raised with Christ, seek the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Therefore, put to death what belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desire, and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, God’s wrath is coming upon the disobedient, and you once walked in these things when you were living in them. But now, put away all the following: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and filthy language from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self. Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive. Above all, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ, to which you were also called in one body, rule your hearts. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell richly among you, in all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another through psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Now, think of one or two relationships. It could be your spouse, child, parent, friend, or co-worker.

Do you have them in mind?

Signs of an unhealthy marriage.

Now, let’s look at your part of the relationship through some of the words Paul uses. Do any of the following appear that you need to confess or seek forgiveness from the other person:

Sexual immorality
Impurity
Lust
Evil desire
Greed
Anger
Wrath
Malice
Slander
Lying

Is there anything hidden in your life in this area that your spouse doesn’t know about that you need to confess? Even if the other person doesn’t know you are doing something, it harms the relationship.

How to protect your marriage and most important relationships.

Paul starts by telling us, as a follower of Jesus, these things should not be true of our relationships. Are they? Do they appear?

The reality is some of them do. And when they do, we need to confess those things to God, seek forgiveness from God and the other person so that we can live in freedom.

But what should our relationships look like?

Evaluate your relationships now from what Paul says should be true about them:

Compassion
Kindness
Humility
Gentleness
Patience
Bearing with one another
Forgiving one another

Do these show up in your marriage, parenting, work relationships? Is there one that you are falling short on that you need to grow in? Ask God to give you the heart to do that, the desire to grow in that area. Look for ways to be more compassionate, kind or humble or gentle, and so on.

What should be true of you as a follower of Jesus.

Posted on Thursday, February 24, 2022

How Your Family of Origin Affects Your Relationships

by Josh Reich

One of my dream jobs was to be a movie critic growing up. What a great job! To get paid to watch movies.

If you think about your favorite movie or the most iconic movies, they have many things in common. Do you know one of the things that can make or break a movie?

The soundtrack.

The right song played at just the right moment makes all the difference.

Some soundtracks are iconic and stay with you.

Did you know that every relationship has a tone, a soundtrack?

This tone, this soundtrack is how a relationship plays out. There is a rhythm, how things are done in every relationship we have.

Some of them just happened to show up. You showed up in the midst of some of them, like when you get a new job or join a new friend group. Some relationships you have left because of the tone and soundtrack.

When we think of tone, we immediately think of communication. Think of the words used in a conversation or even how a husband and wife talk to or argue with each other and how parents and kids talk. Or how a boss and employee interact. And how friends speak to each other at school.

While that is part of the tone, the tone is so much bigger and more profound than that.

The tone is the atmosphere of your relationships, your marriage. It’s the feeling you have in your house or that someone feels when they come over. It’s the feeling you get when you walk into work or school. It is the attitude, the emotions of your marriage and family.

The tone is not something you decide one day to have; it is embedded. It is often decided without being discussed. Culture just happens unless we do something.

But where does it come from?

For many of us, the tone of our relationships began a long time ago, before we were even born in our Family of Origin.

How you do relationships as an adult was formed as a child.

The tone of your marriage began a long time ago and had nothing to do with you. It started in the home you grew up in, the house your parents grew up in, the place your parents grew up in, and so on. It was passed down from generation to generation. Then, when you got married or went to college and moved out, you brought this story, this tone with you.

Your spouse also brought theirs, if you’re married, and they collided together. You see it in small ways at the beginning in deciding how to do holiday traditions, where you will celebrate something, how you will parent your kids, how you will spend money and save.

Then, you see it in interactions: eye contact, how you speak to each other, and how you treat each other.

For girls, as teenagers and adults, how you view men and how you let them treat them is often connected to your relationship with your dad.

For boys, the way you view women and treat them is often connected to how you watched your dad treat your mom.

Every family has a tone, a narrative. Every relationship has a tone. It is inescapable. We often don’t think about it, though, for a simple reason. The tone and narrative we grew up with is all we know. It is how we see the world; it makes sense to us.

Every family has a tone, a narrative.

Think for a minute:

What was the emotional atmosphere of your home growing up?
Were your mom and dad emotionally close or distant?
Did either of your parents rely on you for emotional support?
Were either of your parents detached or uninvolved in your family?
Were you ever mistreated by verbal, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse?
Were either of your parents alcoholics?
In your family, what were you allowed to do or not do? What were you allowed to be or not be?
Lastly, what is the deepest wound you suffered in your family of origin? Abandonment, abuse, addiction, walking on eggshells?

The list goes on and on.

This is the tone.

Let me give you a few examples:

Money was tight in your family, so you saved and saved. Money was your security. The tone of life is hectic, stressful, always watching every penny. The tone of your relationships very quickly becomes one of desperation.
One parent is an alcoholic. The tone is one of walking around quietly, silently, and not wanting to do anything to set that parent off. The other parent makes excuses. You eventually make excuses to others for that parent.
Perfection is the name of the game. Everything must be perfect. If you aren’t perfect, at least appear perfect. Always look perfect, act perfect. If a relationship isn’t perfect, pretend it is. Eventually, you have no idea what is real or not, but perfection matters.
Grades. Grades are the key to getting ahead. If you excel in school, you win and get attention; a good job. This carries into your career. The way to win attention is to be good at what you do. Weakness is for the people who lose. Fear of failure overwhelms you. If you feel, it shows you are inadequate.
Never good enough. The tone of this family is that we can never win, we can never get ahead. The only people who make it is everyone else. This is almost like Eyore from Winnie the Pooh in human form. Nothing good happens to this family or in this family.

Those are just a few examples, but I could go on and on.

The point is we all have a story, a narrative we carry with us from our family of origin.

This is the tone of our lives, the story we know, the story we tell, and the story we live. When we get married, we bring this story, this tone with us, and our spouse brings a different story and tone. Our interactions with each other are based on this.

And this is important: The tone of your relationships determines the outcome of your relationships.

The tone of your relationships determines the outcome of your relationships.

Growing up, the tone in your family has determined a lot of your life today. It has determined how you view authority, money, sexuality, and so much more. It has shaped the way you see yourself and the world around you.

We often do our best to run from it, but it usually stays with us.

So what do we do?

Too often, we try to jump into changing something without knowing what we are trying to change.

To change anything, we must name it. We must be aware of it.

So, what was the tone or narrative of your family growing up? How has it shaped you in positive and negative ways? What wounds are you still carrying that you need to deal with? What hurts are you covering up or running from?

There is freedom on the other side of these questions, but they are difficult paths and often need to be walked with a trusted friend or a professional counselor.

Posted on Monday, January 11, 2021

Quarantine Date Night

by Josh Reich

Covid and quarantine have made everything challenging, but I think one of the biggest challenges is how to keep the romance alive in your marriage.

If that is something you are finding a challenge, or maybe you aren’t comfortable going out for dinner or having someone in your house to babysit your kids, here are some ideas on keeping that romance alive while you are at home.

7 ways to make date night special on a budget.

Have a plan. Nothing hurts date night more than having no plan. In the same way that you plan going out, plan what it will look like at home. What will you eat, who is doing what, what time will things get started? Decide those things ahead of time. You may have to be more intentional about the plan for date night at home because you are at home.
Get dressed up. Don’t get into your pajama pants. Nothing shuts your brain down more at the end of a long day like getting into comfortable clothes. Wear what you would wear if you were going out.
No electronics. The fastest way to kill most date nights is turning on the TV, no checking out Facebook or Twitter or your email. Concentrate on each other if you decide together to watch a show or movie, great but make sure that it is part of the plan.
Plan a fun meal. It doesn’t have to be expensive or a feast, but something special. Something you wouldn’t normally eat. Katie and I love to try new recipes, so we’re always searching. There are so many blogs and ideas out there.
Eat with your kids. At home, we do an appetizer while our kids eat so that we can still eat dinner with them, talk with them about their day, and it helps to hold us over until we eat.
Know who will cook and who will put the kids down. It might be more relaxing for your wife to cook. She may want you to handle the kids or vice versa. Whatever it is, communicate that and stick to it.
Pick a night you are awake for. There are certain nights you are more alert and awake than others. Find that night and do date night on that night. If you have a long day on Tuesday, don’t do date night that night. Maximize the night where your energy levels are highest. I find knowing which night date night will help me to be mentally prepared for it.

7 ways to make a date night at home a success.

Bottom line, don’t let your romance fizzle out during this season.

Posted on Monday, March 25, 2019

16 Ways not to Fight with Your Spouse

by Joshua Reich

Every couple fights. Some fight loudly, endlessly. Some fight quietly with silence. Some with slamming doors, some with glares.

When a couple says “We never fight.” What they are saying is, “We don’t have an honest relationship.”

Many couples have no idea how to fight. They might know how to shout and throw down, but they don’t know how to fight productively.

So, don’t believe the myth that there are some couples out there that do not fight. The couples that are healthy are the ones who learn how to fight in a constructive way that moves them forward.

Here are 16 ways to fight (taken from The Book of Romance with some thoughts from me):

Never speak rashly. Choose your words carefully. Choose how you say things very carefully. Often, how we say something does more damage than what we say.
Never confront your spouse publicly. I am blown away by how some couples will tear each other down in front of other people. If you are upset with your spouse, no one else needs to know about it or be involved. No one wants to listen to you fight. Doing this will destroy your marriage very quickly.
Never confront your spouse in your children’s presence. This is tough to do because stuff comes up. It is best to fight away from your kids as it can tear at their confidence in your marriage and create uncertainty in their minds. If you do fight in front of your kids (and some couples want to show their kids how to fight) make sure you make up in front of your kids, let them see and know the resolution and talk with them about it. Don’t just assume they know you made up.
Never use your kids in the conflict. A fight between a couple is just that, between a couple. Your kids, friends, parents don’t need to take a side, they don’t even need to be a part of it. Turning your kids against your spouse is disastrous for your marriage, family and your kids.
Never say “never” or “always.” Even if it feels like always, no one does something all the time or never does something. Being very accusatory and will make the other person defensive. Don’t believe me? Try it. They will do everything in their power to think of the one time when they didn’t do it, and then what? Instead, use “When this happens, I feel ___________.” You have just said the same thing without putting them on defense.
Never resort to name calling. If you can’t fight without calling each other names, don’t fight. That will not accomplish anything. The point of every fight is to have a resolution, to finish, to resolve it and battle for oneness. To conclude, you need to push towards that; name calling pushes against that.
Never get historical. The past is the past. Especially if it is something you have talked through, one of you has apologized, and you have resolution on that issue. Let it go. It no longer is allowed to be brought up.
Never stomp out of the room or leave. This will tell your spouse, “You should be afraid that I may leave at any minute.” This does not create confidence to fight well. To fight well, both spouses need to know that the other will stay there and finish. You might need to ask for space to process something but agree to that before leaving the room and decide when you will complete the discussion.
Never raise your voice in anger. Kids listen better when we are calm; our spouses are the same way. When we raise our voice, we go on the offensive. It is like talking to someone in another language; they don’t understand us better just because we are talking louder.
Never bring family members into the discussion unless they are a direct part of the problem being addressed. This is the same as #4. Your mother is not going to help the conversation with your spouse. It is between you and your spouse and you need to learn how to work it out. If a family member does insert themselves in a discussion, you must calmly remove them. The person who should do this most often is the person related. Otherwise, it can create a divide in the marriage. Remember, in marriage; you are creating a new family.
Never win through reasoning or logic and never out-argue. The goal is a fight is not to win. The point is a resolution, a way forward. This is difficult for certain personalities (of which I’m one), but if you are logical and your spouse isn’t (they are more feeling oriented), logic isn’t going to help them see what you see.
Never be condescending. This is the same as #5. The point is not to talk down to someone or put them on defense. Being right does not endear you to your spouse.
Never demean. Do not put your spouse down, ever. Couples do this so often in public it blows me away. We need to be building up our spouses.
Never accuse your spouse with “you” statements. It might be their fault, but that isn’t going to help the situation, you pointing it out. Telling them “You caused this” is not going to all of a sudden make the argument make sense. They already know. Remember the point of a fight, resolution.
Never allow an argument to begin if both of you are overly tired, if one of you is under the influence of chemicals, or if one of you is physically ill. Don’t fight at night; you can’t think clearly and seek resolution if you are drunk, tired, sick. The good idea is to set a time to discuss this when you are calm, not intoxicated or stressed out. You must have the mental and emotional clarity to fight well in marriage.
Never touch your spouse in a harmful manner. You are not a man because you can scare a woman or knock her around. Seriously. If your husband is hitting you, call the cops. If you are hitting your wife. Stop. Or, go and fight a man, someone who will hit back. Seriously. That is never okay.

16 ways not to fight with your spouse.

Many times couples get stuck because they fight. Fighting is normal in a marriage or relationship. You are two sinners trying to move forward.

The couples who are healthy can argue productively.

Posted on Wednesday, February 13, 2019

10 Ideas to Make this Valentine’s Day Great

by Joshua Reich

Katie and I write a lot about marriage and relationships here, and we get asked about it a lot. Right now, we are preaching a series together at our church called #RelationshipGoals where we are covering some of the most important things couples need to know but often don’t or don’t pay attention to.

Since tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, we thought we’d share our ten most-read posts on marriage.

10 articles to help your marriage.

11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage
18 Things Every Husband Should Know About His Wife
When You and Your Spouse aren’t on the Same Page
Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Listen to You
10 Questions You Should Ask Your Spouse Regularly (If you want to have some good conversations on Valentine’s Day, ask these questions)
10 Ways to Know if You’re Putting Your Kids Before Your Spouse
When You Manipulate Your Husband, You Lose Him
Do You Build Up or Tear Down Your Spouse?
The One Thing Destroying Your Marriage That You Don’t Realize
6 Things I Wish I Knew About Marriage When I Got Married

10 posts to help you have a great valentine’s day.

Posted on Friday, November 16, 2018

Links for Leaders 11/16/18

by Joshua Reich

It’s the weekend…finally.

And since it’s the weekend, it’s the perfect time to catch up on some reading. Below, you’ll find some articles I came across this week that I found helpful as a leader and parent and hope you do as well.

Recently, God has been teaching me a lot about grieving losses in life and leadership. All of us have experienced loss and come up against the limits in life, whether in a relationship, a dream, finances, health, but how we deal with them and move forward determines so much for us. Many of us get stuck. Recently, I came across a great quote that helped me understand this even more and what it takes to move forward.

Before diving into those, in case you missed them this week. Here are the top 3 posts on my blog this week that I hope you find helpful:

Now, here’s what I found helpful:

Christmas is almost here, and I hope you are preparing for it as a church. Tony Morgan’s company has helped a lot of churches, and they have two posts you should read: 3 strategies to leverage Christmas for reaching new people and three next step ideas for annual Christmas attendees. Don’t miss the opportunity of Christmas!

We’ve adopted twice, and adoption is beautiful, challenging, amazing and tragic all at once. Many times, you feel like you are fighting for the heart of your adopted child (or any child for that matter). This post from parent cue was so encouraging to me, and if you’re a parent (adoptive or not), I think it will encourage you.

I get asked a lot about the books I read and how I find good books. One way is to see what other leaders I respect are learning. Brian Dodd is always posting great books, and he lays out 19 books leaders should read ing 2019. I’ve read a few of these but look forward to diving into a few others on this list.

If you’re a pastor or been in church for any length of time, you know the drill at church, so it is easy to forget what it feels like to be a guest. The emotions a guest has the fears, the thoughts. This post from Rich Birch was so helpful to me, and a great reminder of what people feel when they walk into your church on a Sunday morning.

The holidays are almost here (I can’t believe that Thanksgiving is next week!), so it is important to decide as a family, individual, couple, what pace you will keep over the next month so that you aren’t too tired. Here are 10 great tips from parent cue.

Posted on Monday, April 23, 2018

6 Things I Wish I Knew About Marriage When I Got Married

by Joshua Reich

This month marks 16 years of marriage for Katie and I. It is hard to believe all of life that we have lived together when I think back to meeting her when I was 16 and she was 14.

Like most couples, we were really idealistic about life and marriage when we said: “I do.”

6 things I wish I knew when I got married.

In light of that, here are some lessons we’ve learned over the years that I wish we would’ve known at the beginning:

It will be harder than you think. When you get married, you think it will be easy. After all, you’ve been dating for awhile, maybe you’ve lived together so how different can it be.

A lot different.

I think this one thing hits couples like a train when they get married and they aren’t prepared for how difficult and hard it will actually be.

Schedules, living together, sharing things, meshing family stories, careers, kids, mortgage, credit and school debt, aging parents. All of it blends together to be harder than you expected.

I think if couples could walk into marriage knowing how hard it will actually be, they will be further down the road than most couples.

This isn’t to make you depressed at all, but to help you be realistic about what you are walking into.

Your marriage will be harder than you think.

It will be better than you expect. I told you it isn’t all bad news.

Marriage is difficult, yes, but like everything in life, there are plenty of beautiful moments as well.

When I said “I do” I was not prepared for how great it would be.

Why?

I had met very couples who actually enjoyed their marriage. Most of the people I’ve seen stay married were miserable (or at least tolerating their marriage). In the same way that couples need to be realistic about the challenges awaiting them, they should be hopeful about how amazing it will actually be.

The history that Katie and I share is incredible. From raising kids, traveling to different places, sharing experiences, meals, and sunsets, all add up to more than I imagined.

Your marriage be better than you expect.

You are more broken than you think. I had an older guy tell me before I got married, “you’re about to find out how selfish you are.” He was right. Marriage has a way of showing you how broken you are. While most of the time we think it’s the other person (we’ll get to that in a minute), a lot of the problem in marriage is us. That’s where a lot of hope lies in marriage because the only person we have power over or influence over is ourselves, not our spouse. In fact, Katie and I did an entire sermon series on this topic. You can only change you.

Before you jump the gun and say, “My marriage would be better if my spouse did _____.” That might be true. But there are hundreds of things you could do to improve your marriage as well. Why not start there?

Your spouse isn’t as broken as you think. In the same way that you have rose-colored glasses about yourself, you need to do a better job of seeing your spouse for who they are and who they are and they aren’t as bad off as you think.

Many marriages hit a snag when they think that the other person is the only problem or that the other person is the biggest problem. Remember, you fell in love with this person. You said “I do” to them.

They aren’t as bad as you make them out to be.

This is where extending grace in your marriage becomes crucial.

Your spouse isn’t as broken as you think.

Be a student of yourself. I’m surprised at how little people know about themselves. Most people I talk to don’t know if they’re introverts or extroverts or what that means for them, they don’t understand their personality or enneagram or the strengths and talents they have. This leads to all kinds of frustration because they often end up in jobs that don’t fit them or situations that work against who they are.

You should be more knowledgeable about yourself than anyone else is, but that is rarely the case.

Be a student of your spouse. Second to knowing yourself is knowing your spouse. I don’t mean simply what they like or dislike (although that’s very important), but understanding their story and how they’re wired. One of the byproducts of a great marriage is when each person helps the other become a better version of themselves through encouragement and growth opportunities. Do you know what your spouse wants to grow in? What dreams they have? You should because you are in a unique position to help them accomplish those.

6 important marriage lessons.

All couples could grow in any of these lessons (and we aren’t all the way there) and many others. So where do you start? Anywhere.

Too many couples seem to shrug and say, “This is as good as it’s going to get.” It doesn’t have to be that way.

Posted on Wednesday, February 28, 2018

How to Love Difficult to Love People

by Joshua Reich

Have you noticed that there are people in the world that are hard to love?

I know. Surprising isn’t it!

People disappoint us on a daily basis.

The people closest to us will often give us the deepest and most painful scars.

You disappoint people.

You will give the deepest and most painful scars to those closest to you.

For most people, we look past it, shrug and keep moving.

Yet, there is so much more to be had in relationships.

In Matthew 5:44 Jesus makes a startling statement, to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

What’s telling about this verse is, first, we will have enemies. We will have people who persecute us.

As I thought about this verse this past week, I was blown away by how often I’m surprised by this. We all are. But in reading Matthew 5, it seems like we shouldn’t be surprised by it.

Jesus doesn’t tell us why we will have enemies or persecution, only that we will and what to do when it happens.

Don’t be surprised when you have enemies.

Now, some enemies come along because we make them and do something to hurt someone else. Some enemies come because of sin and evil in the heart of another.

What do we do with enemies? What do we do with people who hurt us? Make life difficult?

We pray for them.

Are you praying for the people in your life who are difficult to love?

Notice that prayer and love are connected, so you get the idea that Jesus isn’t talking about calling down the wrath of God or thunderbolts, but praying as you would for someone you loved. Which means you’d pray for their good, their blessing.

Let’s stop here.

This is often the last thing we want to do.

This is hard and painful.

Why do this?

Jesus tells us so we can reflect the Father.

Have you ever wondered, What is it like to be on the other side of me?

What is it like to be on the other side of me?

If you’re a follower of Jesus, the answer to that question should be, “It’s like being with God the Father.”

Can you picture the relationship that is the hardest for you? The person who is hardest to love?

Every relationship has a tough season and hard times, and sometimes those go on for a while. Things irritate us and hurt us — words, silence, and looks, distance.

Every relationship book will tell you the same thing, the way we keep intimacy in a relationship is what happens once something is broken, the next move.

What does Jesus tell us in Matthew 5?

Love, go the extra mile, do the unexpected, allow that friend to take advantage of your generosity.

What is amazing about all of this is that it is unexpected, but it is also something you decided ahead of time. They didn’t do it, you did. You chose it.