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Josh Reich

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7 Things a Pastor Must Do on Easter

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Sunday is the “super bowl” of the church year. I wish we didn’t call it that, but that’s another post.

We love Easter. It is the hope of our salvation and our world. In most churches, attendance will be higher than at any other time of the year. More unchurched people will be there more than any other week.

Here are 7 things a pastor MUST do on Easter:

7 things to remember this Easter weekend.

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Fill yourself up (before and after). You will likely be tired by the time you get to Easter morning. You will be tired on the Monday after Easter. The week of Easter is filled with special services and attention to different things. Make sure you take time leading up to Easter to eat well, get some sleep, keep your exercise going, and fill your heart up. Don’t preach on an empty tank.

After Easter, make sure you fill yourself up as well. Get up and exercise on Monday morning, read your bible, and listen to worship music. Be with Jesus.

Pastor, make sure you have a plan to rest and recharge after Easter.

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Be a pastor. Every week, I have no idea what people are carrying when they walk through the doors of our church or tune in online. Many people drag themselves to church on Easter, barely hanging on in some areas of their life. Be a pastor. Pray with people, smile at them, listen to them, walk around, and talk to people. Don’t hang out in the green room or backstage. Be a pastor.

Talk about the resurrection. You will be tempted to be cute and talk about something else for fear everyone knows about the resurrection.

Don’t.

The resurrection is our only hope. Without it, Jesus is still in the grave, and our faith is in vain (1 Corinthians 15:14). Without the hope of the resurrection, sin, and death can defeat us. The world will not be made right without the resurrection. Marriages cannot be saved, addictions cannot be defeated, and identities cannot be changed.

Challenge them. Don’t be afraid. Step up to the plate and tell them, “Today is the day.” For some, they need to be challenged to come back. For others, they need to be challenged to follow Jesus.

Remind them. While some will need to be challenged, some will need to be reminded that God loves and cares for them, that God has not forgotten them, that God has not left them, or that God is not disappointed in them.

Invite them back. I’m amazed at how many church services I’ve been to, and no one invited me back next week. Tell them, “I look forward to seeing you back next week.” Be friendly, walk around, and say hi to people. Lead the way in how your church should be welcoming.

Put as much effort into next week as you did this week. Easter was great, and you will be tired, but people will return to your church the following Sunday. Put as much effort into that. Hopefully, you started a new series on Easter that they want to hear part 2 of. Be ready.

7 things pastors need to do this Easter.

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20 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage after 20 Years

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Today, Katie and I celebrate 20 years of marriage.

It is hard to believe that 20 years ago, on a cold and cloudy day in Pennsylvania, we said, “I do.”

We have been through a lot over the years. We have moved to multiple states, started a church, adopted two kids, and moved across the country to start a new adventure.

As we sat together last night and reflected on the years, we have learned a lot and seen a lot.

I thought I’d share 20 things I’ve learned over the 20 years:

20 things I’ve learned about marriage after being married for 20 years.

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Love is a choice. Yes, love is an emotion, to a degree. But love is first a choice. You choose to love the other person. You decide to love yourself.

There are many mornings when you wake up, and you don’t feel love for yourself or your spouse, but you choose to love them. Your spouse will hurt you and let you down and miss things; you will do the same to them. But decide to love them, the person they are, not the person you imagined you were marrying (because they do change over time, more on that later!).

Your story catches up to you. At some point in your mid-life, your story catches up to you. All the things said and done to you, all the scars and wounds you carry catch up to you. We spend a lot of our lives trying to pretend they aren’t there or running from them. Vulnerability and intimacy have a way of bringing those scars out.

Decide you will last. This might seem obvious, although many of this list might be obvious.

But a mentor told me once, “Josh, decide you will make it to the end in marriage and that nothing will stop that.” Marriage has incredible moments, moments, unlike any other relationship. But it also has some incredibly dark and challenging moments. Decide that you will make it “til death do us part.“

Choose your spouse over everything. There will be many opportunities to choose something or someone over your spouse: your parents, a job, a child, a hobby. Don’t. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or parents, but you always choose your spouse over everyone (apart from Jesus) and everything else. And yes, your kids are not the center of your marriage; they will leave one day.

Set your rules. Every couple has rules, some written down and some unwritten.

Some of our rules are: we share our passwords to every computer, calendar, phone, email, and social media account with the other person (I always joke that Katie could make me disappear online).

We never make fun of the other person. Ever.

We share our bank accounts.

There are more, but you get the idea. Set your rules as a couple and stick to them.

20 marriage lessons

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Don’t stop learning about your spouse. It is easy to think you know everything about your spouse, but there’s a chance you don’t. So, ask questions, and be curious. Learn with them. Grow together, do things they enjoy that might take you out of your comfort zone. If you need a place to start, try this.

You also need to understand that there is a good chance you married your opposite. This is what drew you together but can also pull you apart if you aren’t careful. It is important to know your spouse’s personality, how they get life, what drains them of energy, and how they respond to stress, if they are verbal or mental processors (usually opposites in marriage). 

Be a student of them. 

The highlights you see online don’t tell the whole story. It is easy to compare your real life to the imagined life on Instagram, but it will steal your joy if you do.

The highlight reel you see online is not the whole story. You don’t see that couple fight, clean their house or pick out paint colors.

Guard your heart and mind as you look at what other people post and what others say. We aren’t honest with many people, and in that, it can be easy to think others have it so much better than we do.

Belief in your spouse is powerful. One of the greatest gifts Katie has given me is her belief in me. She has sat on the front row of so many sermons, sacrificed to see me reach goals and do what God has called me to do. Her belief in my skills and abilities has given me the courage to go further than I would on my own.

That is powerful.

The flip side is also true. When a spouse doesn’t believe in the other person, that is also powerful. We carry a lot of power in our words to bless and harm.

Your words are one of the most powerful things you have in a marriage.

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Know who does what and encourage the other person. One of the most important things in a marriage is figuring out who will do what. Most people get married and assume that what their parents did is what they’ll do (or the exact opposite). This takes some negotiating together and a lot of grace.

But learn what you do well in your marriage and life.

Then encourage them to go after it.

Don’t stop complimenting them. It is easy to stop praising your spouse and not know it. It is easy to stop saying thank you to your spouse and not know it. 

Life gets busy, you’ve seen your spouse in all kinds of situations, and you think, “They know I love them and appreciate them.” And for some of us, compliments don’t mean as much. 

But compliment them. Thank them for the little things they do. I always marvel at all the things in my life that get done without me doing them; those are Katie. I can take them for granted (which I do too often), or I can thank her and acknowledge what she does. 

Purity matters…a lot. This might seem obvious, but this still makes the list. 

It is easy for men and women not to be pure somehow, but not having purity in your marriage is incredibly harmful. This isn’t just sexual but also emotional, mental, and relational. 

Keep yourself pure and make sure that you are growing closer to your spouse, not someone else. 

Set up boundaries for this, and talk about what you need to stay connected sexually, emotionally, relationally, mentally, and spiritually. And yes, you should know what those things are for each other. 

Know what season of life you are in. This is a whole post in itself. Know where you are in life. Know what you can handle physically and emotionally, how much energy you have, if you are doing internal work with a counselor, starting a business, etc. 

We’re in our 40s, so there are things we did in our 20s that we can’t do now. I need more sleep now than I got in my 20s. 

Every season is different. When we moved to Massachusetts, we immediately felt like we hit a new season of parenting, having almost four teenagers. And we did. So, we sat down to talk through what this season meant, what we have the capacity for, how that impacts our rhythms and needs, and how we flourish in it. 

Know what season of life and marriage you are in and live in that season.

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Get counseling and mentors. I know in some Christian circles that counseling can have a stigma to it, and that’s too bad. Almost everyone should be meeting with some counselor or spiritual director. The benefits we have received from solid Christian counseling are immense and life/marriage-saving. 

To have someone who will ask hard questions and point the finger at places I need to deal with has been a godsend. Not easy or always pleasant, but a godsend. 

Don’t wait until you need counseling to find a counselor. 

For mentors, look for a couple that is further along than you are, who has a marriage or something about their marriage or parenting you want to emulate. Then spend time with them. We are picking the brains of empty nesters, trying to discern what it looks like between now and then, and navigating the teen years. 

Pray together. We aren’t pros at this, and many nights, we fall asleep without praying together, but when we miss a day, we get back to it the next day. 

Pray together at meals, when you face big and small decisions, when you feel lost or stuck. Share with your spouse what you need prayer for and ask how you can pray for them. 

Prayer requests are a great way to see into the heart and struggles of your spouse. 

Laughter matters…a lot. Marry someone you have fun with and who makes you laugh. 

Katie always keeps me on my toes; she is more fun than I am and more spontaneous. And she is a blast to be around. 

For me, God knew I needed someone who would help me to laugh because I am so serious. 

Lead your wife. Husbands, one of your jobs is to lead your wife spiritually. Ephesians 5 says that you will present your wife to Jesus one day. 

Throughout the years, I have listened to Katie as she shares what she is going through and then bought her books to help her along life’s paths—finding opportunities to grow professionally and personally. 

One of my goals is that Katie will be able to say she is better for having been married to me. 

Date nights and getaways. Never stop pursuing and dating your spouse. Buy them gifts, surprise them with things, and have a weekly date night and getaway each year. 

None of that has to be extravagant; it could be as simple as sitting together at a coffee shop or shopping together. But make plans and follow through on them. 

Dream together. On our honeymoon, we talked and dreamed about what life would be like. Some of that came true. Some didn’t.

At the beginning of covid, we both did Paterson Life Plans, and it was incredibly clarifying. It helped us name this decade our “launch decade” as we prepare to launch five healthy, mature adults who love Jesus (our goal). We also talked and dreamed about what life and ministry will look like as empty nesters and how to prepare for that.

Make time to dream together.

The power of dreaming together as a married couple.

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Be a great servant lover. It is easy to be a selfish lover, to look out for your physical needs over the other person.

This is a great way to ensure you end up in a frigid marriage. 

Ask your spouse what they like and don’t like physically. And know that throughout your life, this will change. This is impacted not only by health and age but also by things your spouse is going through or what your kids are going through and your energy. 

Be kind, soft, and compassionate to the other person and yourself. 

And lastly, this is a big one:

Affection is the barometer of your marriage. I had a guy tell me recently that this isn’t true. 

But I stick by this. 

If you want to know the health of your marriage, look at your affection. 

And affection is not the same thing as sex. Affection is pursuit, kindness, holding hands, hugging, kissing hello or goodbye, saying kind things to the other person, sitting close to the other person, and serving them. All of those things go into affection. 

Affection is also the first thing to go in a marriage when life gets busy, or we start to feel distant. Slowly, you don’t sit close to the other person; you don’t pick them up something from Starbucks when you’re out; you don’t get what they like at the grocery store. 

That’s affection. 

One of the things we are constantly watching is our affection. 

There are a lot of other lessons over the years, but those are the twenty things I’ve learned. 

20 thoughts about marriage.

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Praying to God in Your Frustration

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At some point, we all reach a point of frustration in any relationship where we don’t want to talk to the other person. Our spouse, friend or child, or co-worker disappoints us, or doesn’t meet our expectations. We feel like they aren’t listening or don’t do what we want them to do.

Frustration, anger, disappointment are a part of every relationship we have.

We will experience the same thing in our relationship with God.

He will frustrate us by not doing what we want. Disappoint us by not moving on our timetable or giving us the life we think we deserve.

What do you do when God doesn’t give you the life you think you deserve?

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This is where Jonah finds himself at the end of chapter 1.

One thing has always fascinated me about Jonah. We often get caught up in the big fish. Was it real? Could that happen? Is the impossible possible?

While those are valid questions we have to wrestle with, they can cause us to miss some of what is going on.

Jonah 1:17 says Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Then Jonah prayed.

Jonah sat in silence, brooding in his anger and frustration.

Have you ever been so angry with God that you didn’t talk to him? Have you ever been so frustrated with God that you left him alone?

I have. Jonah has. And many other people in Scripture have as well.

To pray to God in our frustration, hurt, and anger, we must admit that we have frustration, hurt, and anger towards God. For some, this feels like a sin. But I don’t think it is. I believe it is the natural processing of our emotions and what is going on in our hearts. Some of us don’t think God cares about those things, that we are only supposed to feel joy or happiness with God.

God is strong enough to handle our doubts, anger, and disappointment in Him.

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Yet, here is what is amazing about Jonah’s prayer found in chapter 2. He says that he prayed five times, and five times it says that God answered.

Jonah was angry, Jonah was silent with God, and God waited patiently in his grace, waiting for Jonah to be ready to talk.

What grace.

God waits patiently for us.

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When Jonah prays, he prays the Psalms. This is a practice used throughout church history. When we don’t know what to say when we pray, using Scripture is a powerful practice. Using a psalm as a launching point for my prayers, even utilizing a psalm as prayer, has been a balm for my soul in these last few years when we’ve all experienced so much loss and disappointment.

Finally, in verse 9 of chapter 2, Jonah says, Salvation belongs to the Lord. Salvation can also mean deliverance or rescue. 

Pray for the rescue; pray for deliverance. Deliverance and rescue may not look like we expect. For Jonah, he experienced deliverance and rescue in the great fish, but then God sent him to Nineveh, which isn’t necessarily what Jonah wanted to do.

But I think, as we bring God the deepest places of ourselves in prayer, we learn to trust God in more profound ways so that in His rescue, while not what we might expect or want at the moment, we begin to see how that is God’s grace to us and good for us. 

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When we Run & Hide from God

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Is there something in your life right now that you know God has called you to, but you aren’t doing? Is there a relationship you know you should do something about, but you aren’t?

Many of us often get frustrated when God isn’t as clear as we want him to be, but I wonder if the reason he isn’t clear on the things we are asking about is that we haven’t done the other things he’s called us to do. 

So, if you’re like me in those situations, we run, we hide, and we complain.

We run and hide for all sorts of reasons in our lives and relationships.

We are afraid of love or of loving someone else and opening ourselves up to hurt. We are afraid of being loved and opening ourselves up to be left. We are afraid of stepping out onto limbs that might break. 

We do the same things with God.

We run one way when He tells us to run another way. We try to take his role as God in our lives because we have a better strategy, a plan this time that will make everything work.

We hide from God because we aren’t sure how to be known, how to be in a relationship. We aren’t sure if God is safe because the family we grew up in wasn’t safe.

All of this leaves us in a miserable spot. It leaves us alone and afraid many times.

There’s a book of the Bible that is so familiar, and the reason it is so familiar is that we so easily see ourselves in it.

Jonah.

In Jonah, we see someone that is very much like us.

A man who is scared, who doesn’t want to do what God calls him to do (in fact, it’s the last thing he wants to do), and so he runs.

He doesn’t just run, he buys a boat and a crew and sails in the opposite direction.

I always thought that Jonah ran because he didn’t want to go to Nineveh, which is partly true, but not for the reason I always believed.

Jonah went to Tarshish, an exotic port city. A place with pools, beaches, hip restaurants, while relaxing with umbrellas in your drink kind of place. He went after the life he wanted. He went after the life he felt he deserved.

One reason we run from God because God doesn’t give us the life we want, the life we think we deserve.

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This to me is one of the main reasons we get angry at God, one of the main reasons we run from God: someone else got our life. That person got my marriage, my family, my career. My life was supposed to go that way, but it didn’t. My family picture was supposed to have three kids in it, but it has none. My bank account was supposed to have another zero or two, but it doesn’t.

So we run. We hide. We get mad.

The other reason we run from God is we aren’t sure God will chase us.

Many of us have feelings of unworthiness and abandonment. We wonder if anyone cares, if anyone loves us. So we run.

We hide our sin, our desire, our pain, because we don’t know if God will care. We despise what God tells us to do because we know better. We run from God because we don’t want to go to Nineveh, what seems dull, boring or difficult in our life. We want Tarshish. We want the beach and drinks with umbrellas in them while we prop up our feet. We want to run from our marriage instead of doing the hard work. We want to bail on integrity because sin is more fun. We want to spend more money than we make because we deserve it.

We want Tarshish because we deserve Tarshish. That is my life, and God, you won’t take it from me.

But here’s what we see in Jonah 1:

You can’t outrun the face of God, the presence of God. This sounds like a threat, but it isn’t. It is God’s grace to us. We need his face, his presence. We long for it, but we also fear it because in God’s presence we are known. We also see that the further we run, as far as our sin goes, God’s grace and his presence always find us there. His grace always goes one step further than our sin.

In the storm, God spared no expense to show his mercy to Jonah. He didn’t leave Jonah or let Jonah go. He went after Jonah to show his grace.

Let me say this to you if you find yourself in a storm or you see one coming. I don’t know if God allowed your storm to come or sent your storm, but your storm is an invitation of God’s grace to stop running from him. To stop hiding from him. To rest in him. To fall into him.

You can’t outrun the face of God, the presence of God.

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God will use whatever means necessary to grab our hearts. God will use health issues, marital issues, relational wounds, financial troubles, troubled kids and teenagers, friends who leave us. He will use it all to get a hold of our hearts, to get our allegiance.

God will use whatever means necessary to grab our hearts.

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God uses all situations for his glory and redemption. Verse 16 is incredible. All the men feared the Lord and offered a sacrifice to the Lord. All the men began following God because of Jonah’s stupidity, selfishness, and the power and grace of God.

Nothing and no one is out of the reach of God’s grace.

God uses all situations for his glory and redemption.

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Os Guiness said, We cannot find God without God. We cannot reach God without God. We cannot satisfy God without God – which is another way of saying that all our seeking will fall short unless God starts and finishes the search. The decisive part of our seeking is not our human ascent to God, but his descent to us. Without God’s descent, there is no human ascent. The secret of the quest lies not in our brilliance but in his grace.

So, why are you running from God? What is it that God has called you to? What things in your life are you doing that you know God has so much more for you?

Why are you hiding from God? What thing or person are you trying to keep from God?

Here’s a good way to test this. What is your prayer life like?

The reason I ask is, often when we are running and hiding we want nothing to do with praying. It is our way of trying to take hold, take control of the situation.

And yet, the life God has for us, the life God is calling us to, we have to stop running and we have to stop hiding to live it. 

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The Key to Relationships that Last

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man and woman holding hands

Healthy relationships take work. Healthy marriages that people want to stay in don’t just happen, although we think they do. We believe two people magically work together, never fight, never have an issue or disagreement to work through, but they do.

So, where do things go wrong? How can a friendship that was working so well, a marriage that seemed so right, all of a sudden seem all wrong?

On Sunday, as we wrapped up our series The Better Half, we looked at the one thing we need to make a relationship last. 

Yes, lots of things go into a relationship, but a few things move the needle more in a relationship than other things. 

Before getting to know about those, how do relationships break down? Here are a few things I’ve noticed:

5 reasons marriages stop working.

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It’s too much work. Healthy relationships take a lot of work. It means being patient, listening, hearing someone out, and putting your wants and privileges aside. That’s work. We often throw in the towel on a relationship because of the work it will take. 

It hurts too much to face our past or do the hard work. As we’ll see later, almost every fight in a relationship is not about what you are fighting about. You are fighting with a past incident, a hurt you haven’t dealt with, a person you see in the person in front of you. They remind you of your dad, your mom; they said words similar to an abuser or someone you were supposed to trust. Healthy people face their past and see it redeemed in the power of Jesus. Unhealthy people use their past and stay the victim instead of finding healing. This is hard work and can be incredibly painful. In any argument, you have to ask the crucial question, “Are we fighting about this? What are we really fighting about? Who am I really fighting with?”

They’re lazy and selfish; they want the other person to do all the work and change. Just like #1, being lazy and selfish in relationships is easy. Serving, putting in the work, putting the other person’s needs and wants first take work. Often, too, we want the other person to put in the work to become a healthy person while we stay unhealthy. “I’ll hold on to that incident and bring it up whenever it suits me. I’ll remind them of my hurt instead of dealing with my hurt.” The reality is you can only change one person in a relationship, which is the one you see in the mirror. 

They think they are better than their spouse or the other person. Sometimes people are in an unhealthy relationship because they believe they are less sinful than others. They look down on them. They wouldn’t say this, but they hold the other person’s sin in contempt, thinking, “How can they not see that? Why do they struggle with that?” They turn up their noses at the thought of putting in the hard work to reconcile with a spouse or a friend. They will say it is the other person’s fault, but deep down, they are the least sinful person they know.

Confuse what reconciliation means. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you are friends with everyone. You might need to protect yourself from an abusive situation, and you may need to protect your kids as well. Reconciliation does mean that you don’t hold it against the person anymore, that you don’t bring up the past. You stop saying, “Remember…?”

5 things that hurt a marriage.

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So what do healthy couples and healthy people in relationships do differently?

They do many things, but here are a few:

They grow close to Jesus. This may seem obvious, but if you stray from Jesus, stop reading your Bible, feel your relationship with Jesus suffer, lots of things go wrong. Your desire to fight sin goes down. Your desire to love and serve the other person goes down. Your desire to stay pure goes down, all because of one thing. Couples who make it to the end keep God at the center of their marriage. They grow together spiritually; they take control of their spiritual lives and don’t leave it to chance. They read solid books together; they pray together; they have a plan for how they will disciple their kids (they don’t leave that to chance either.) They attend church together, are in a Christian community, and serve to use their gifts and talents. God is not some figure that appears periodically in their marriage but is who the marriage and family revolve around. For me, I think men should be asking how they can help their wives grow and become all God has called them to be. This is the outworking of growing closer to Jesus. 

They protect their marriage. This is something couples kind of stumble through. They take their vows, wear rings, but too many don’t protect themselves when it comes to their minds, hearts, and eyes. Yes, they make sure not to sleep with someone they aren’t married to, but everything else is fair game. A couple who lasts does not do that. They protect their eyes; they aren’t looking at porn; they aren’t fantasizing about that girl at work or the guy in the movie. They aren’t dreaming about their romance novel; they aren’t acting it out (even with their spouse) in their mind. They act with their spouse in mind (and only their spouse.) They make sure nothing will tear them and their spouse apart. They protect themselves while dating and preparing their hearts for their future.

This isn’t just about vows and promises, but about the priority you place on your relationship compared to other relationships. Your kids matter, and you love them, but your kids come after your marriage. One of the fastest ways to go from a great wedding to being roommates is by placing your kids above your spouse. Your kids will be gone one day, and you will have only your spouse. At this point, most couples split because they no longer need to stay together for the kids, and they have nothing in common. Don’t let that happen. This doesn’t mean you neglect your kids and do not do anything with them, but it means they come after your marriage. If you’re unsure where you stand on this, here are ten ways to know you are putting your kids in front of your marriage.

They pursue each other. Pursuit is what got you married (because you started pursuing when you dated.) Pursuit keeps a marriage healthy, and pursuit is the first thing to go out the window of most marriages. The couples who last don’t leave this to chance. They make time for their spouse; they have a yearly getaway with their spouse, weekly date nights, and they do fun things with their spouse. I’ve never had a couple who did this tell me they regretted it. I’ve had lots of couples tell me how they long for this. Here are some ideas for doing date night at home, some rules for date night, and some help for when date night falls apart.

Know that affection is the first thing to go and fight against that. Affection is what goes first—kissing when you say goodbye, holding hands, snuggling. Life is busy; you know your spouse, you have them now, your kids are climbing all over you, you are running late, tired, and want to sleep, you are worried if you snuggle, he will want sex, and you want to go to sleep. All of these things happen to couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other at one time. Fight this. When you kiss, kiss for 5-10 seconds, throw some tongue in when you are just saying hello or goodbye. Gross your kids out. Hold hands in the car—kiss at a red light. Snuggle at night.

Don’t miss this: the amount of affection you have is one of the best barometers for where your marriage is. Show me a couple with little affection, and I will show you a couple going in opposite directions.

3 Things that Make a Great Marriage.

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Healthy and growing relationships take intentionality, and they make specific choices. Otherwise, you drift into unhealthiness.

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Why Job Hunting is so Exhausting

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MacBook Pro, white ceramic mug,and black smartphone on table

Recently, I’ve heard from several pastors and friends who are looking for new jobs and experiencing what many have called “the great resignation.” And after experiencing my job transition, it’s caused me to reflect on it as I’ve walked with them.

If you are in the place of looking for a new job, especially a ministry one, know that you aren’t alone. And know that it is challenging and exciting all at the same time.

As I listen to friends walking through it and reflect on my process, here are some things I learned:

Why looking for a job is so exhausting.

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You’re still doing your job & the balance is a lot. Chances are, while you are praying, discerning, and looking; you still have a job.

The balance becomes incredibly taxing physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally, as you’ll see in the other reasons. You are waking up each day, trying to be faithful to what is in front of you while at the same time trying to discern what God is doing in your heart. And the balance becomes exhausting.

There were days when I would work all day (often all on zoom) and then hop on one or two zoom interviews at night. And it begins to push the boundaries of what is sustainable.

The longer it goes on, the harder it is to stay focused on your job and stay present with what is in front of you.

It’s lonely because you can’t talk about it with close friends or co-workers. This is especially true in ministry situations. In most companies, it seems more normal to interview for jobs, but because of how relational pastoral ministry is, it makes talking about your desire to move harder.

Now, I know some pastors share with friends or staff to pray with them as they discern a move, but I think you need to be careful with that and when you do that. When you tell people and who you tell can be dicey. What if it doesn’t work out? Just because you feel like your time is ending doesn’t mean it is. I can tell you story after story of ministry jobs that have fallen through. I had one 18 years ago when I moved our stuff to Colorado, and it fell through. I would be cautious when you tell people you are thinking about leaving because it is hard for them to process that if you stay. This includes when you bring your kids into the mix.

How to look for a job and keep your job.

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You don’t know where you’ll be, so the uncertainty is hard. This is one of the things that begins to weigh on your spouse and your kids if they know you are looking for a new job. 

It is hard to make plans for your future when you aren’t sure if you will be in the same house or state next year. This creates a lot of anxiety, and there is a limit to how long you can live in this limbo. 

You put yourself out there and tell your story, but the interview teams don’t reciprocate. Looking back, this is what made me exhausted emotionally. 

The team would ask about my marriage, kids, leadership journey, hurts, and joys in life and ministry in each interview. This is a way of getting to know a candidate and connecting, but the interview team notes and moves on to the following questions. Which they should. But it is hard as a candidate when you are telling the same stories, putting yourself out there on multiple occasions. Most nights in the interview process, I would be exhausted, and this was why. 

As a candidate, you need to be aware of all energy levels. But as the job hunt wears on, your physical and emotional energy will often wane because of how much output you have in the interview process. Be aware of what this might mean for your other relationships because you can inadvertently pull away from friends and family because of how tiring it is. 

On a practical level, you have to pack and find a new place to live and new schools to go to. And that’s only the beginning. There are projects needed to be done to sell your house and then tasks at the new home. This is exciting but also adds to the stress. You are figuring out a new place and what that might mean, helping your kids say goodbye to friends as you say goodbye to friends. 

Why a job hunt is so exhausting for your spouse and kids.

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It’s hard on your spouse. Tyler Staton made a great observation in a podcast that while he had a new exciting role he was moving into, his wife would continue to live her life and experiences but do it in a new place without her community.

You have to figure out Covid in the new place, and you didn’t rally with the team and suffer with them, and they’re exhausted. I  picked up on this as I talked with churches around the country. While we all experienced covid and online church, we all experienced it differently depending on our location. This might be less of an issue now, but the effects of the pandemic still linger in life and churches depending on the area and how things were handled. 

7 reasons looking for a job is so hard and tiring.

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There are more things, but this list, looking back, is what made our job hunt so exhausting. 

If you are in that season right now, know you are not alone and that it will one day end. 

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Finding God in the Valleys of Life (Psalm 23)

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green and brown mountains under white sky during daytime

When you think of God, what is the first thing that comes to mind?

For many of us, God is someone that is off in the distance. Watching life unfold, He may be involved here and there, but we often have this picture of an absent parent. Either physically or emotionally absent. We wonder if He is involved in our lives, how involved is He?

Another way to think about this, how do you experience God?

Some experience God as accepting of every decision we make, merely cheering us on in life, or maybe we experience Him as judgmental and filled with wrath. Ready to strike us dead if we drop the ball one more time.

According to A.W. Tozer, “What comes into your mind when you think about God is the most important thing about you.”

What comes into your mind when you think about God is the most important thing about you. -A.W. Tozer

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Why would that be so important? 

The reality is, what we think about God determines how we pray to God, how we live our lives, and, more importantly, it determines what our relationship with God is like. 

For example, if you believe that God gives good gifts and is generous, or if you think God is holding out on you, that determines what you pray for. 

If we’re honest, whether you have a church background or not, most of us see God as distant.

Especially in this current moment.

As I’ve watched the news this week, scrolling through social media, I am dumbfounded by it all. I am left wondering, where is God in all this? What is God doing right now?

Why is this happening?

And yet, words that many of us know by heart still ring true from Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He renews my life; He leads me along the right paths for His name’s sake. Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff – they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord as long as I live.

In this culture, 2500 years ago, a shepherd was so much more than that. A shepherd could also be a king. David was a shepherd, and a king. He is telling us who God is and what God is like, that you and I are under the rule of God as king, but also in the care of God as a shepherd.

you and I are under the rule of God as king, but also in the care of God as a shepherd.

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A king and shepherd take care of their people, their flock. A shepherd would sleep at the opening of the gate when the sheep slept to keep them safe. They made sure the sheep were at peace, at rest, and had whatever they needed. David is telling us this is what God is like. This is who He is.

Because God is close, we are never alone.

Because God is close, we are never alone.

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What do we have because God is close?

Everything we need. We lack nothing. Because God is my shepherd king, because God is close, I have everything I need. One of our struggles, at least mine, and maybe you can relate, I may have everything I need, but what about what I want? Because God is close, he knows what we need. And because He is a good king, a good shepherd, if he withholds from us, it’s because he knows what is best for us. 

What does God do?

He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.

God leads me. God leads us. God is in front, guiding our steps, protecting us, seeing what is ahead, what dangers and good things lie ahead. And he leads me to rest, to refreshment. 

I don’t know about you, but right now, this image in verse 2 is something my soul longs for. Green pastures, quiet waters, refreshing. 

These last few months have been hard on all of us, and in the presence of  God, we are made new, we are recharged. 

Green pastures and water are what sheep need to live, to keep going. 

Do you know one of our most significant needs and also our biggest struggle? Rest. Stopping. Slowing down. This is why you get sick the first few days of vacation because you sprint into it. 

David says, because God is close, we can rest. 

Because God is close, we can rest.

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Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap. To stop. 

Because God is our good king and shepherd, we can stop pushing, stop pushing our kids, stop pushing our agendas, stop comparing ourselves to others. To just rest. 

But he leads us to plenty of food, green pastures. 

The funny thing is how much we are like sheep.

Sheep do not naturally lie down and rest. They are easily scared animals, easily stressed out, they run, freak out, worry, are anxious, and they are crowd followers. If one sheep goes into the water or walks off the cliff, so do the rest of the sheep. 

Now, think about the last few years and this last month. Between covid, masks, vaccines, the election, Ukraine: have you been scared? Stressed out? Have you run from anything or anyone? Freaked out? Worried? Anxious? 

I have!

I need Psalm 23; I need this hope that I have a good king and shepherd who leads me and protects me and knows what I need and guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.

What does God do when life is the darkest? What is God doing right now in the midst of war and hatred? What is God doing as I lay in bed scared for what tomorrow will bring?

Look at verse 4: Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

There is a phrase that is easy to overlook. That we walk through the darkest valley. There is an end to the valley. There is an end to the darkness.

And we can have that confidence because God is close, we are never alone.

Because God is close, we are never alone.

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Where is God in the Storms of Life?

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huge wave at daytime

Storms happen to all of us.

Storms surprise us; storms sideswipe us in life.

Many times we fall onto our couch and think, “I did not see that coming.”

How do you respond when you think, “I did not see that coming”?

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The funny thing about storms is that you can see them coming into someone else’s life better than you see them in your life.

Have you ever had someone tell you they didn’t see something coming, and you thought, “How could you miss it?” We all saw your marriage going that way, we told you. We noticed that financial decision was a poor one a mile away.

A storm is when you feel helpless. Life feels chaotic; you have this “I did not see that coming” feeling afterward.

Some storms are out of our control: like getting laid off; when you were abused; or can’t have a baby. Things like when cancer comes back; when your kids walk away from their faith; you have a miscarriage; or you are depressed and can’t see a way forward.

But some storms we cause: how you respond to things in your life; who you let into your life; and who you allow to influence your life.

How do you respond to the storms of life?

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Our marriage is another area we have some control over. We don’t want to admit it, but our choices earlier in life had a more significant effect on our marriage than we expected. We didn’t expect that sleeping around in our 20’s would affect us in our 30’s. Or that we would still feel those financial decisions ten years later.

Or the resentment and bitterness we carry around from past relationships and hurts.

Many of us wonder where God is when we get stuck in a storm in life.

Where is God when life hurts the most?

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A fascinating passage in Mark 6 shows us something important about God and storms.

Immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go ahead of him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After he said good-bye to them, he went away to the mountain to pray. Well into the night, the boat was in the middle of the sea, and he was alone on the land. He saw them straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. Very early in the morning he came toward them walking on the sea and wanted to pass by them. When they saw him walking on the sea, they thought it was a ghost and cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke with them and said, “Have courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” Then he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. They were completely astounded, because they had not understood about the loaves. Instead, their hearts were hardened.

What is fascinating to me is that Jesus intended to pass by them. He didn’t plan on stopping.

But isn’t Jesus supposed to save them? To pull them from the storm? Stop it? Bring relief?

Sometimes Jesus stops the storm. Sometimes he pulls us from it and brings relief. And sometimes, he passes by.

Where is God when life is confusing?

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This might seem like Jesus is leaving them (or us), but that is far from it.

Dave Furman, in his book Kiss the Wave: Embracing God in Your Trials, said, The better question isn’t whether or not Jesus wanted to help his disciples, of course, he did, but the question is, how did he want to help them.

In 1 Kings, when God showed himself to Elijah, He passed by him.

In the book of Exodus, God showed Moses his power and presence by passing by him.

Jesus is showing them and us he is God by passing by them.

Here’s how I’ve seen this play out in my life: when someone else gets my answered prayer. Has that ever happened to you? You pray for your marriage, but it seems like other people’s marriage improves. You pray for your finances, and others get blessed. Same as you pray for your kids and others seem to get ahead. You pray for your career, and a co-worker gets promoted and a raise.

God is more visibly at work in someone else’s life. Therefore, God has more visibly blessed them with a comfortable life than our lives.

Sometimes God will move in lives near us to show us He can. Not to taunt us or diminish our faith, but to strengthen it.

In her book, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered, Lysa Terkeurst shares this prayer, and if you find yourself in a storm and finding it difficult to trust God and cling to him, I pray this prayer helps you:

Oh, dear God, help me trust You beyond what my physical eyes can see. As the winds of all that’s uncontrollable whip around me and thrash against me, I need something to ground me. Steady me. Hold me together when circumstances are falling apart. I want to trust you beyond what my eyes can see. Amen.

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How to Evaluate Your Relationships

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Sunday we continued our series The Better Half and looked at the tone or narrative of our relationships. They create the atmosphere for our most important relationships. This includes how we look at money, sex, how we speak to each other, handle conflict, and so much more. 

The tone for our relationships started a long time ago in our family of origin. You learned how to think about the opposite sex from how your parents handled sexuality and talked about the opposite sex. You learned how to handle conflict by how your parents dealt with conflict. Maybe you have continued that or tried to go the other way as an adult. But the impact is still there. 

Here is where this can become an issue. 

Often, we are unaware of the tone of our relationships. We are unaware of how we interact because we have grown up in it; it is all we know, etc. When you go to someone’s house for the first time, you might see everything wrong with the house, but they have slowly stopped seeing it because they are used to it. 

Colossians 3:5 – 17 allows us to evaluate our most important relationships. 

How to evaluate your relationships.

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Here’s how I’d encourage you to proceed:

Here is what Paul says in Colossians 3:1 – 17:

So if you have been raised with Christ, seek the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Therefore, put to death what belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desire, and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, God’s wrath is coming upon the disobedient, and you once walked in these things when you were living in them. But now, put away all the following: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and filthy language from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self. Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive. Above all, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ, to which you were also called in one body, rule your hearts. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell richly among you, in all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another through psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Now, think of one or two relationships. It could be your spouse, child, parent, friend, or co-worker.

Do you have them in mind?

Signs of an unhealthy marriage.

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Now, let’s look at your part of the relationship through some of the words Paul uses. Do any of the following appear that you need to confess or seek forgiveness from the other person:

  • Sexual immorality
  • Impurity
  • Lust
  • Evil desire
  • Greed
  • Anger
  • Wrath
  • Malice
  • Slander
  • Lying

Is there anything hidden in your life in this area that your spouse doesn’t know about that you need to confess? Even if the other person doesn’t know you are doing something, it harms the relationship.

How to protect your marriage and most important relationships.

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Paul starts by telling us, as a follower of Jesus, these things should not be true of our relationships. Are they? Do they appear?

The reality is some of them do. And when they do, we need to confess those things to God, seek forgiveness from God and the other person so that we can live in freedom.

But what should our relationships look like?

Evaluate your relationships now from what Paul says should be true about them:

  • Compassion
  • Kindness
  • Humility
  • Gentleness
  • Patience
  • Bearing with one another
  • Forgiving one another

Do these show up in your marriage, parenting, work relationships? Is there one that you are falling short on that you need to grow in? Ask God to give you the heart to do that, the desire to grow in that area. Look for ways to be more compassionate, kind or humble or gentle, and so on.

What should be true of you as a follower of Jesus.

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How Your Family of Origin Affects Your Relationships

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One of my dream jobs was to be a movie critic growing up. What a great job! To get paid to watch movies.

If you think about your favorite movie or the most iconic movies, they have many things in common. Do you know one of the things that can make or break a movie?

The soundtrack.

The right song played at just the right moment makes all the difference. 

Some soundtracks are iconic and stay with you. 

Did you know that every relationship has a tone, a soundtrack?

This tone, this soundtrack is how a relationship plays out. There is a rhythm, how things are done in every relationship we have. 

Some of them just happened to show up. You showed up in the midst of some of them, like when you get a new job or join a new friend group. Some relationships you have left because of the tone and soundtrack. 

​​When we think of tone, we immediately think of communication. Think of the words used in a conversation or even how a husband and wife talk to or argue with each other and how parents and kids talk. Or how a boss and employee interact. And how friends speak to each other at school. 

While that is part of the tone, the tone is so much bigger and more profound than that.

The tone is the atmosphere of your relationships, your marriage. It’s the feeling you have in your house or that someone feels when they come over. It’s the feeling you get when you walk into work or school. It is the attitude, the emotions of your marriage and family.

The tone is not something you decide one day to have; it is embedded. It is often decided without being discussed. Culture just happens unless we do something.

But where does it come from?

For many of us, the tone of our relationships began a long time ago, before we were even born in our Family of Origin.

How you do relationships as an adult was formed as a child.

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The tone of your marriage began a long time ago and had nothing to do with you. It started in the home you grew up in, the house your parents grew up in, the place your parents grew up in, and so on. It was passed down from generation to generation. Then, when you got married or went to college and moved out, you brought this story, this tone with you. 

Your spouse also brought theirs, if you’re married, and they collided together. You see it in small ways at the beginning in deciding how to do holiday traditions, where you will celebrate something, how you will parent your kids, how you will spend money and save.

Then, you see it in interactions: eye contact, how you speak to each other, and how you treat each other.

For girls, as teenagers and adults, how you view men and how you let them treat them is often connected to your relationship with your dad. 

For boys, the way you view women and treat them is often connected to how you watched your dad treat your mom. 

Every family has a tone, a narrative. Every relationship has a tone. It is inescapable. We often don’t think about it, though, for a simple reason. The tone and narrative we grew up with is all we know. It is how we see the world; it makes sense to us.

Every family has a tone, a narrative.

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Think for a minute:

  • What was the emotional atmosphere of your home growing up?
  • Were your mom and dad emotionally close or distant?
  • Did either of your parents rely on you for emotional support?
  • Were either of your parents detached or uninvolved in your family?
  • Were you ever mistreated by verbal, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse?
  • Were either of your parents alcoholics?
  • In your family, what were you allowed to do or not do? What were you allowed to be or not be?
  • Lastly, what is the deepest wound you suffered in your family of origin? Abandonment, abuse, addiction, walking on eggshells?

The list goes on and on.

This is the tone.

Let me give you a few examples:

  • Money was tight in your family, so you saved and saved. Money was your security. The tone of life is hectic, stressful, always watching every penny. The tone of your relationships very quickly becomes one of desperation.
  • One parent is an alcoholic. The tone is one of walking around quietly, silently, and not wanting to do anything to set that parent off. The other parent makes excuses. You eventually make excuses to others for that parent.
  • Perfection is the name of the game. Everything must be perfect. If you aren’t perfect, at least appear perfect. Always look perfect, act perfect. If a relationship isn’t perfect, pretend it is. Eventually, you have no idea what is real or not, but perfection matters.
  • Grades. Grades are the key to getting ahead. If you excel in school, you win and get attention; a good job. This carries into your career. The way to win attention is to be good at what you do. Weakness is for the people who lose. Fear of failure overwhelms you. If you feel, it shows you are inadequate.
  • Never good enough. The tone of this family is that we can never win, we can never get ahead. The only people who make it is everyone else. This is almost like Eyore from Winnie the Pooh in human form. Nothing good happens to this family or in this family.

Those are just a few examples, but I could go on and on.

The point is we all have a story, a narrative we carry with us from our family of origin. 

This is the tone of our lives, the story we know, the story we tell, and the story we live. When we get married, we bring this story, this tone with us, and our spouse brings a different story and tone. Our interactions with each other are based on this.

And this is important: The tone of your relationships determines the outcome of your relationships.

The tone of your relationships determines the outcome of your relationships.

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Growing up, the tone in your family has determined a lot of your life today. It has determined how you view authority, money, sexuality, and so much more. It has shaped the way you see yourself and the world around you.

We often do our best to run from it, but it usually stays with us.

So what do we do?

Too often, we try to jump into changing something without knowing what we are trying to change.

To change anything, we must name it. We must be aware of it.

So, what was the tone or narrative of your family growing up? How has it shaped you in positive and negative ways? What wounds are you still carrying that you need to deal with? What hurts are you covering up or running from?

There is freedom on the other side of these questions, but they are difficult paths and often need to be walked with a trusted friend or a professional counselor.