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Josh Reich

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Relationships in Quarantine – How we Destroy Relationships

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Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

We’ve already seen that love is patient and kind. But now we see what it is not: Love does not envy, boast, it is not prideful, dishonoring of others or self-seeking.

What all of these have in common is me. Ourselves. What we want.

Envy is a longing for something that isn’t currently ours. It is also feeling discontent with your life, what you have or where things are. This sets into relationships very easily. Often because of what we imagine someone else’s relationship to be like. 

Boasting is puffing ourselves up, focusing on yourself and your needs over the needs of others. It is easy in relationships and marriage to puff yourself up, to look at yourself, and give yourself more grace than you give to the other. It is easier to see the faults of someone else than to see your own. 

Arrogance is thinking we’re better than we are. 

When we envy others, boast, are arrogant, we push people away. 

Often, we do these things to be right, but also to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We do these things to avoid saying something hurt us. If I envy you, then I can blame you for my problems. If I boast, I can put you down to make me feel better. If I’m arrogant, I protect myself from getting hurt. If I’m not proud, I’m willing to open my heart up to pain, yes, but I also open my heart up to love. 

All these emotions and actions do is isolate us. 

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul is inviting us to let go of these desires. 

What if you weren’t jealous of someone’s life or relationship? Imagine the pressure you bring to your relationships simply because of jealousy or a picture in your mind?

The flip side of this is contentment. Are you willing to be content with where your relationships are? That doesn’t mean you don’t grow or move forward, but there is a lost art of being satisfied with life and relationships. 

To not control or manipulate your relationships to get your way but to let them breathe and come alive.

Again, at the core of this verse is me—my needs. 

And this is easy to do in relationships. Because we often feel like the other person isn’t there for us, meeting our needs enough, we are putting too much effort into it. 

But, we can slowly, without knowing it, destroy our closest relationships by pushing people away by making sure they don’t measure up to our standards. 

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Relationships in Quarantine – Kindness

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Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

The first was patience.

The second is…Kindness.

Kindness is serving someone, helping someone, believing in someone, encouraging someone’s strengths. 

What do you do when you serve someone? You help them; you use what you are good at, your strengths to make up for their weakness. 

Kindness is giving. 

Kindness believes in someone. All of us, men and women, young and old, kids, we want to know someone believes in us. That someone is proud of us. 

In the ancient world, kindness could also refer to affection. When we first start dating someone, we shower that person with kindness. We go out of our way to serve them, compliment them, shower them with gifts, affection, but as a relationship grows and gets older, that can begin to diminish. 

Think about it: do you know what one of the first things to happen in a relationship is? Affection. Do you know what leaves a marriage first? Affection. 

Katie and I often tell couples: Affection is the barometer of your marriage.

Affection is the barometer of your marriage.

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Now, for men, when we think of affection, we often think of sex. But affection is very much like kindness. It is caring, reaching out, giving a hug, a compliment, holding the hand of your spouse.

This shows up in love when we do it without any hope of receiving something.

Often, kindness disappears in a relationship because the other spouse isn’t reciprocating the way we’d like. Many of us are fearful of going first and breaking the cycle that couples get stuck in. But kindness can soften the heart of the other person, especially when there is nothing underneath it, no motivation outside of wanting to love the other person.

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Relationships in Quarantine – Patient Love

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Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it really about? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

The first is…Patient.

Have you noticed that love and hurry don’t mix? Great relationships take time. They take time to develop, to get to know the other person. You don’t share your story, the details of your life with people quickly. It takes time. 

We are impatient people. We want food fast, the Internet fast, we get annoyed when Netflix buffers. 

We are impatient relationally. This plays out by being demanding, bulldozing people, and pushing too hard. We want people to work on our timetable, to make changes in their life when we think they should. But healthy relationships allow the other person to grow and develop at their speed. 

We are also impatient daily with those closest to us. We are pushing them, expecting them to be what we want, to do what we want. 

Yet, love says, “however long it takes for you to get your act together, I’ll be here.” This is showing compassion and grace in a way that doesn’t come naturally to most people; at least for me, that’s true. 

Our culture says if they don’t change fast enough, if they hold you back, move on. If they are getting in the way of your dreams, hit the road. But what if we miss out on things when we do that and have that attitude?

Can you imagine Jesus saying, “you aren’t changing fast enough, I’m done with you.” Can you imagine him saying, “Why can’t you just get over that hurt and move on or else I’m out of here?”

Patience is moving at someone else’s pace rather than pressuring them. It is staying in step with them. 

Patience in relationships is moving at someone else’s pace rather than pressuring them.

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Have you ever felt pressured in a relationship? That isn’t loving. That is pushing. 

Patience is understanding the season someone else is in, how they process life and decisions. 

Patience isn’t natural to us and not encouraged at all, especially in relationships.

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Friday Five + 1 [Quarantine Edition]

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Welcome to the Friday Five. I hope you are staying safe and healthy as we are in quarantine life.

Before getting to my Friday Five. I’ve been writing about how to live and lead in this new season of life. In case you miss them, here they are:

Here are my favorite podcasts and blogs in this quarantine world:

Favorite podcasts:

I’m working on a sermon on loneliness, isolation, and the power of presence, especially in a quarantined world. This podcast with Tim Ferriss and Esther Perel on Tactics for relationships in quarantine was incredibly helpful. It’s long but has a lot of nuggets in it. Specifically, how to navigate your relational world while at home and under the stress and anxiety of quarantine.

Keeping with the quarantine theme, Andy Crouch was interviewed by Jennie Allen about how to have hope in this season. How do you move forward as a church? What should rhythms for your family look like? It found it incredibly helpful right now.

Pete Scazzero had a great podcast on our collective dark night of the soul in this season. He looked at what we are all losing, but what it will be mean for communities, families, and churches. There is a sadness we are all living in that will have enormous ramifications on us.

Favorite blog posts:

Being in quarantine can add a lot of stress to your marriage and family. But how do you deal with it? I appreciated the ideas in this blog post from Toni Nieuwhof on How to battle back when quarantine makes your marriage worse. 

I’ve been doing a lot of reading and thinking about what church will look like post-covid, and I have appreciated Andy Crouch’s thoughts on the topic (see above). He has a great article about how every business and church is now a start-up.

Bonus: What does leadership look like in this covid world? Harvard Business lays out 4 things great leaders are doing right now.

Stay tuned next week as I’m starting a new blog series about relationships in quarantine that you won’t want to miss!

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What a Crisis Does to Relationships and Organizations

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A crisis does many things.

It clarifies things; it creates stress and anxiety; it pushes us to do things we have been putting off and a whole host of other things.

One thing that a crisis does, though, is magnify reality, what is wrong and right in our teams, relationships, and organizations.

a crisis magnifies reality, what is wrong and right in our teams, relationships and organizations.

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Here’s what I mean.

If your church was growing and had momentum, there is a good chance you kept that. If your church had a strong leadership pipeline and discipleship strategy, that has continued if your church had a clear win, why you exist as a church, that continued.

If your marriage was healthy, yes, this has made it hard and brought stress into your life, but you had a foundation to continue to build on.

If your marriage was on the rocks before the crisis, before Covid-19 hit, your marriage is most likely continuing down that road.

What a Crisis Does to Relationships.

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If your church did not have a clear win before the crisis, the crisis only magnified that lack of clarity.

What often happens in a crisis is we simply continue to do what we did before, whether it worked or not. And the reason is that it is what we know, it is what is comfortable for us.

At this point, in this season of quarantine, we see what we spent our lives building. We see it in our relationships and churches and teams. That doesn’t mean you can’t pivot if things aren’t going well. It doesn’t mean you can’t come out of this stronger, but it does show you what you have to work on.

One of my favorite books that I always quote to my kids is The Compound Effect. In it, the author makes the point that our life becomes the sum of our choices. Like compounding interest in a bank account, each decision build towards something when things are stripped away, when the world shifts, like right now, we see what we have built towards.

What a Crisis Does to Organizations and Churches.

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How to Be Still in a Crazy World

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Be still and know that I am God. -Psalm 46:10

Most of the time, when I hear this verse, I feel guilty for how fast I run. But now, I read it, and I am reminded, I have to stop. I’m stuck at home. I’m working from home, our church is gathering online, our relationships have gone almost entirely virtual. Vacations and trips are on hold, conferences, and training have stopped (for the most part).

We are still.

But many of us long for the speed we used to have.

I’m afraid many of us are missing the invitation that God has for us. Before, we missed it because of our addiction to speed and productivity. Today, we are missing it because we hate being home, and we long for speed, so we are giving in to boredom and Netflix.

So, how do we apply this verse in the midst of being at home?

Be still and know that I am God. -Psalm 46:10

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Be still. If you have kids, you are immediately thinking about the advantage of your friends and family without kids have, but that isn’t necessarily reality.

Loneliness, isolation, and boredom are things we are all fighting.

One of the things I am finding helpful is scheduling time to be still, time to reflect, pray, read my bible, listen to worship music. Schedule times to take walks, to slow down.

To experience rest, we still must schedule it like we do our work time.

Know God. I think many of us thought, “If I’m home more, maybe now is the time to start that side hustle, write that book, start that project.” What if this was the season and time for us to know God more, to know Him more deeply. To face some places in our hearts that we have kept hidden from Him?

What if, those of us who follow Jesus are closer to Jesus than before covid?

Give things over to God. Trust Him.

Trust Him with your finances, retirement, your fear, your anxiety.

Rest is an acknowledgment that God is God while you stop.

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I shared before about a practice I’ve tried to do, where I write down three things I’m thankful for. This is such an essential time for an exercise like that. To stop and thank God for something. This also helps to reset our hearts on where things are. Yes, things are hard. Yes, things are tough. But God is still God, and each day, we need to remind ourselves of that truth.

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How to Build a Quarantine Routine

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So you’re at home. Your kids (if you have them) are at home, need help with school, are bored, and you are trying to get work done. You can’t go to church, your small group and workgroups are meeting on zoom, stores and restaurants and gyms are all closed.

Our routines, as we know them have changed entirely.

And if you are like me, the first week or so was good. You enjoyed the quiet, the different, the new. But now this new has become the old. This novel is now what we are doing. And because we don’t know how long it will last (one of the most frustrating parts of this), we have to define a new normal—a new routine.

How to Build a Quarantine Routine

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So, how do you build a quarantine routine?

Here are a few questions to ask, and then I’ll share some things our family and I are doing:

1. What needs to get done each day? I’ve read a lot of people talk about starting a business, a new hobby, learning a language in quarantine, and if that is you, good for you. I felt terrible about this for a moment because I thought, “This is the perfect time to write my second book.” But I don’t feel it.

So what needs to get done each day? What do you have to accomplish work and school for your kids? Many times we will add too many things to our list and feel bad at the end of the day or week.

For many of us, this list already exists, but because we haven’t written it down somewhere (in one spot), we feel overwhelmed and stuck. We feel like we aren’t moving forward.

So, each day, write down what you need to get done. What your kids need to get done. Yes, have a quarantine dream list, but be realistic.

2. How do you stay connected to your friends and family? I think we are learning in a new way, how meaningful relationships are. We are seeing how much community matters in this season where we are stuck at home, wearing masks and not able to hug those around us.

Staying connected with others is incredibly important.

Whether through zoom, facetime, or other means, you must each day connect to your family and friends. To hear their voice and for you to listen to theirs.

Our best friends live six doors down from us, and we have made a rhythm of hanging in front of their house around a fire each week. This is so important for Katie and me.

3. What will recharge you today? It is easy to be task-oriented right now because it is stressful, and accomplishing things makes us feel worthwhile and look useful to our employer.

But make sure you are taking time for yourself. Make sure you are reading your bible and praying before you open social media.

One way to stay sane right now it to read your bible before the news.

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Get outside in the sunlight and move around. Read a great book, take a nap, call a friend, bake that meal you’ve been dying to try.

It is so important that we pause for ourselves.

One thing that has been incredibly helpful to me right now is limiting my phone use, turning it off, listening to quiet, or worshipful music, just to reset.

Your answers to those questions will be different than mine and feel free to add some items to this list. This is just to get you started.

For our family, we took those questions and came up with some ideas:

  • We are limiting screen time for our kids, especially because they are on zoom now too.
  • It is taking a long walk each day.
  • We are taking a weekly hike as well.
  • We are spending time reading in the morning.
  • I read to our kids every night before bed. Right now, we’re reading The Wright Brothers. 
  • We are finishing our day with the compline prayer for the daily office.
  • We are listening to worship music throughout the day.
  • Making sure we don’t miss family movie night each week.
  • Katie and I are continuing our date night at home each week.
Ideas on building a quarantine routine.

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What Will Ministry in a Post-Covid World Look Like?

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The other day, I was on a Zoom call with a bunch of pastors, and we were talking about what is working and not working in this new world. As the call went on, we started to discuss what will come next for churches.

The world is different today than it was in January. And while some think once everything opens up, life will return as it was, I don’t believe that. Yes, some things will go back to “normal,” but the world will be different, and consequently, the church will be and look different than it did in 2019.

That is exciting and scary all at the same time.

So, as I processed that call, I wrote down some questions I think churches and leaders need to think through:

7 questions pastors need to wrestle with in a post-covid world.

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How long will it take people to come back to church?

I’m finding there are two schools of thought on this: one group says that the moment churches are allowed to meet, everyone will flock back and fill up the room. The other side thinks people will be timid and come back slowly.

Who’s right? I have no idea. Only time will tell.

I fall into the camp that says people will come back slowly. I think there will be people who are there week one a church is back open, but also people will stay home and continue to watch online. Not only because of ease but also because of fear. And while some will say there shouldn’t be fear, there is. The job of the leader is not to wish a new reality, but to face reality and lead through it.

The job of the leader is not to wish a new reality, but to face reality and lead through it.

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People may come running back to church; they may go back slowly. Will parents send their kids to school once they open, or will more parents homeschool next year? The answers to those questions will have an enormous impact on how ministry is done moving forward.

After watching church online, how will that change the way people view video teaching?

If you’ve been around church circles for the last decade, the debate around video teaching and whether or not online church counts has raged.

I think that after spending months watching church online and watching their pastor on a video will have an impact on how people connect with church and teaching in a post-covid world. What is that impact? Right now, it is hard to say, but I think the idea of watching a pastor on video won’t be as weird as many once thought it was.

Yes, people will still want to be in a room with a pastor, but will this change how they consume teaching?

What Will Ministry in a Post-Covid World Look Like?

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How will this change people’s view of leadership and their confidence in leadership?

We live in a polarizing political world. Just look at social media, and you will see people throwing stones left and right. Regardless of your political view, most of us assume the other side is lying, not leading well, getting in the way, etc.

How do you lead in this world?

For those who feel like the government hasn’t done an excellent job in this crisis, have they lost confidence in leaders and leadership? How will that affect pastors moving forward?

If the government says, “you can gather with 100 or 200 people,” what does that look like for worship gatherings?

There is a chance that things will open up, but there are limited to the number of people who can gather. For smaller churches or campuses, this might not be a problem, but for larger churches, this could change things.

Do you pivot and do smaller gatherings and do them more often? On different days? Do you go to the venue route and have different styles of worship? What about teaching in those spaces?

Have we built a strong enough leadership pipeline?

Many churches are using more and more staff to do things right now because of safety and guidelines, but when churches are back together physically, the finances will be different than they were before. At that moment, as churches are rebuilding, the strength of your leadership pipeline will be seen.

The view of this crisis also seems to have different viewpoints, and most of that is seen through age. Many people over 45 view this differently than those under 45. How much of a voice does the under 45 crowds have in your leadership meetings right now? As you move forward?

How will this change how we do community?

One thing that will change through this is community and how we do groups. Yes, people will return to meeting in people’s homes for groups, but I think more people will see the value in an online group and want to do that.

I think we are also being reminded about how important community and presence is to our lives. We once took a hug from a friend for granted or sitting with someone and laughing over a cup of coffee. I don’t think we’ll take that for granted anymore.

How has this changed our view of life and death?

I’ve heard it said that by the end of this, everyone in the world would know someone who has died from this. I’ve already lost someone from covid-19. How does that change how we think about life, what is essential, and what we go after in terms of goals and priorities? What about death and what happens after death? Do we now view those differently? Do we focus on those a little more than we used to? Does that close us off and make us more callous towards life?

I don’t know for sure, but I think we’ll look at life and death differently.

7 questions pastors and churches need to ask in a post-covid world.

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The world is different and changing rapidly. This has always been the case, but it feels like it is overdrive right now.

And no, the world, school, work, and church will not go back to the way that it was before. Some things will return to what they are, but the vast majority of things will be different.

For leaders, this isn’t necessarily a good or bad thing, but just a thing.

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How to Move Forward in Life, Leadership & Relationships

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Having a schedule is excellent. Nothing changes in our lives without a change to our schedule.

When it comes to emphasizing your health, whether that is physical, emotional, spiritual, or relational, you have to look at your schedule. If you don’t schedule when you will workout, spend time with your spouse and kids, when you will grow and read books, it won’t happen.

But, what if a schedule was only part of the battle?

I mean, you can change your schedule and only marginally move the ball forward. Meaning, you can make a schedule, but what if it scheduling the wrong things?

More important than a schedule is a plan, a strategy.

Too often, though, we confuse a schedule with a plan or a strategy.

A schedule is not the same thing is a plan, and in leadership terms, it is not the same thing as a strategy.

A schedule is not the same thing is a plan, and in leadership terms, it is not the same things as a strategy.

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Just because you schedule emails or social media posts, does not mean that you have a plan or a strategy.

A strategy is the “why” that influences your schedule.

How do you know the difference?

Here are two simple questions:

  1. What do you hope to accomplish?
  2. What will it take to accomplish that?

When I weighed 300 pounds and wanted to lose weight, I went to the doctor and told him that I wanted to lose weight. He said, “That is a terrible goal. Make being healthy your goal and do that for the rest of your life,” and it changed everything.

So I set out to be healthy. It changed my mindset on things, and that strategy, that plan shaped my schedule. It affected my sleep because many people attempt to lose weight without doing anything with their sleep. But if being healthy is a goal, then sleep matters.

In your work, life, and relationships, what do you hope to accomplish? Write it out; be clear on that. A month from now, six months to a year from now, what will be successful? Be clear on that, so you know what you are trying to accomplish. Is there a number you can attach to it so that it is even more explicit in your mind? Too often, I don’t think we clarify what it means to be successful in life and leadership.

Second, what will it take to accomplish that goal?

Ten years ago, Katie and I looked at our marriage and realized that we didn’t have the time for each other as we wanted, and we found ourselves not being on the same page, which created easily avoidable frustrations. So we laid out what we thought would be a success for our marriage and family and some things it would take for us to accomplish it: weekly date night, weekly calendar sync, discussing finances once a month, to name a few. Now, we don’t always hit those each week and month. We have something to shoot for and have a way to know if we are moving towards our goals.

A strategy and a plan form your schedule in life, leadership, and relationships. It creates the way forward for you.

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8 Ways to Read the Best books

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I love books. This isn’t a secret if you’ve been around my blog for a long time or follow me on Instagram.

And now is a great time to be reading and finding great books (and to broaden your reading).

So, here are eight ways to know if you are limiting your reading and what to change to find the best books:

Every book you read is from your theological camp. There are a lot of crazy religious ideas out there, so you need to be wise about what you read. But the reality is though, you don’t know everything, and you certainly don’t have the bible and every theological idea all figured out. I don’t either. It is good to read authors who believe differently than you so that you can be challenged. Now a short note, if you are new in your faith, this isn’t a good idea as you don’t have the foundation to question yet. If that’s you, ask your pastor or a respected Christian for some book recommendations.

Every book you read has bible verses in them. You should read some books by authors and leaders who don’t follow Jesus. As a pastor, one of the reasons is to learn how to communicate with people around you. To learn something, you may not know but also to see what people who walk through the doors of your church believe. This also helps when you have conversations with people who don’t follow Jesus so that you can relate to things they are thinking about and books they are reading.

Every book you read confirms what you already believe. This is similar to the first one, but if you put a book down and have not learned something new, you wasted your time.

You finish every book you start. I get asked a lot why I don’t write negative book reviews on Instagram. People will often say, “all you ever say is how great a book was or how much you loved a book.” The reason? If I don’t like a book by p. 40, I put it down. Life is too short to read a book you don’t like or isn’t teaching you anything. If it’s poorly written or boring or not challenging, it’s off the list. Don’t feel the need to finish every book you start or to read every chapter of a book; they may not all be relevant.

Books don’t challenge your heart. Similar to point 3, but you should be challenged or convicted from a book. You should find ways to improve your preaching, leadership skills, or your faith, being a spouse or parent. If not, put it down. If a book does not put the magnifying glass up to your heart and life, it isn’t worth the time.

You never read a novel. I love novels. I love stories about spies or lawyers in particular and have recently started to read more and more historical books. As you can see, I always have a historical book on the reading list.

Every book you read is for a sermon. This doesn’t apply to everyone. But if you’re a pastor, this is easy to do because you have to write a sermon each week and are always creating content for social media or classes. You should read books that have no application in a sermon. It also sometimes happens that you are reading a book that you discover something that will work in a sermon, that’s great too. If you are doing a series on marriage, you should be reading a book on money or grace just to keep growing in other areas.

Every book you read is by a pastor. You should read books by CEOs, bankers, doctors, trainers, money managers, scientists, not just pastors or speakers.

8 ideas to help you pick out your next book to read.

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