Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

We’ve already seen that love is patient and kind, and that love does not envy, boast, it is not prideful, dishonoring of others or self-seeking.

But two things that can destroy any relationship and they show up in most relationships is anger and being historical.

Anger is connected to patience. We get angry; however, that plays out for us when our spouse or the other person in the relationship makes us wait. They fall behind, make a mistake, don’t do what we want when we want it. 

Love isn’t easily angered. It takes a deep breath; it doesn’t lash out, mentally, verbally, emotionally, and especially physically. 

Yet, do you know who we are the harshest within relationships? Do you know who we say the worst things too? Those closest to us. Many of us will say something to those closest to us: our spouse, kids, parent, in-laws that we would never say to someone else. That isn’t loving. Yes, you are comfortable, but that isn’t showing them love and isn’t loving them the way God loves you. 

As an 8 on the enneagram, anger is my go-to emotion. And for most men, it is the only acceptable emotion, but anger often covers over our feelings of shame, fear, and vulnerability. 

I know for me, the moments I feel most vulnerable with Katie, I try to cover it up with anger. I try to hide. I’ve had to learn to ask myself, “What is my anger showing me?” That is an uncomfortable question for sure, but one that is revealing and tells me a lot. Because our feelings tell us something, and we must dig into what it is telling us. 

One way that anger shows up, especially in marriages (but any relationship), is through being historical.

You’ve probably seen this. Maybe in the house, you grew up in, a friend relationship, or even your own.

Where you keep score, who cleans up the most? Who takes the trash out? Who does what and how often they do it. Many times, we do this because we feel like we are being taken advantage of, but instead of having that conversation, we lash out in anger. 

The reality is, no relationship or marriage is 50/50. Who does more than another may change based on health, life stage, and age, needs of other family members or jobs, or school.

In many relationships, though, there is a giver and a taker. If this isn’t faced and dealt with, it can cause real pain. I’m the taker in our relationship, and Katie is the giver. In the first half of our marriage, this caused immense pain for her because of my selfishness. It was difficult for me to face it, deal with it, where it came from, and how it was affecting her and our marriage. Now, we haven’t switched roles because it is more natural for me to take, but by God’s grace, I have grown in my giving as well. And she has grown in her ability to say what she needs, which is has been an enormous blessing.

Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

The first was patience.

The second is…Kindness.

Kindness is serving someone, helping someone, believing in someone, encouraging someone’s strengths. 

What do you do when you serve someone? You help them; you use what you are good at, your strengths to make up for their weakness. 

Kindness is giving. 

Kindness believes in someone. All of us, men and women, young and old, kids, we want to know someone believes in us. That someone is proud of us. 

In the ancient world, kindness could also refer to affection. When we first start dating someone, we shower that person with kindness. We go out of our way to serve them, compliment them, shower them with gifts, affection, but as a relationship grows and gets older, that can begin to diminish. 

Think about it: do you know what one of the first things to happen in a relationship is? Affection. Do you know what leaves a marriage first? Affection. 

Katie and I often tell couples: Affection is the barometer of your marriage.

Now, for men, when we think of affection, we often think of sex. But affection is very much like kindness. It is caring, reaching out, giving a hug, a compliment, holding the hand of your spouse.

This shows up in love when we do it without any hope of receiving something.

Often, kindness disappears in a relationship because the other spouse isn’t reciprocating the way we’d like. Many of us are fearful of going first and breaking the cycle that couples get stuck in. But kindness can soften the heart of the other person, especially when there is nothing underneath it, no motivation outside of wanting to love the other person.

Almost all marriage problems go back to communication. One person not saying what they want/need or the other person is not listening.

What is most interesting to me is how we often struggle to know what we even want in a relationship; what we need from the other person. I know for Katie and me, many times frustration sets in because I either don’t know what I want or need, or sometimes I’m afraid to ask for it because I don’t want to be a burden, but also because I’m worried she might say no.

So, instead of stating a need or desire, we settle for less in a relationship.

Dr. John Gottman, in his excellent book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, says four things destroy relationships. He calls them The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. As I walk through these, listen to which one is your go-to move in relationships, cause you have one.

1. Criticism. Complaint and criticism are different. A complaint is, “I’m frustrated you didn’t put away your clothes last night.” A criticism is, “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to pick up after you all the time. You don’t care.”

Two words go with criticism: always and never. You always. You never.

Or by asking, “what is wrong with you?”

Why can’t you remember anything? Why can’t I count on you? Why are you always so selfish? What is wrong with you? What is your problem?

When we criticize a child, spouse, or friend, we are demeaning them and elevating ourselves.

What this also brings into the relationship is shame and shame is a powerful tool in relationships.

2. Contempt. The second horseman comes right after criticism and is contempt.

This is a sense of superiority over the other person and comes through as a form of disrespect.

This will show up in cynicism, sarcasm, mocking, eye rolls.

This shows up when it comes to time management, parenting skills, in-laws, handling money, almost any skill that someone thinks they’re better than the other.

According to Gottman, “Studies show this doesn’t just destroy your relationship, but couples that are contemptuous towards each other are more likely to get sick.”

3. Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a way of blaming your spouse, child, or co-worker.

It is saying, “the problem isn’t me; it’s you.”

Things you’ll say are: “why are you picking on me? Everyone is against me? What about all the good things I do? You never appreciate me. There’s no pleasing you.”

Have you ever noticed that the more someone gets defensive in a relationship, the more the other person attacks that person?

This does something else when a problem arises in a relationship. Defensiveness keeps me from having to deal with it. As long as the problem is “out there” or “someone else’s fault,” I don’t have to do anything about it.

4. Stonewalling. This one is powerful in relationships, but not in a good way.

This is when you disengage. You ignore. You walk out of the room while the other person is talking. They don’t respond in a conversation; they are silent.

Stonewalling communicates that you couldn’t care less about the relationship or situation.

Stonewalling is a power move.

While men and women stone wall, studies show men more often do this.

I think for several reasons, but one is that they saw it done growing up, and men are afraid of engaging emotions in relationships.

I’ve learned in our marriage; if I want to hurt Katie deeply, I need to walk out of the room during an argument.

Do you know what they all have in common? This is important and easy to miss.

They are moves to protect ourselves in relationships. They are power moves to get what we want. But they are also how we seek to belong and find intimacy in unhealthy ways.

Over the last month, I’ve been sharing things I wish I could tell my 25-year-old self. I’ve already shared what I’d say to myself about leadership and life, so I thought I’d share some thoughts about marriage.

At 25, I had been married for three years, had just graduated from seminary, had already been fired from a job, and had a child.

So a lot had happened, and I still had no idea what I was doing when it came to marriage.

1. Your spouse has hopes and dreams too. I realized in my mid-30’s that our entire marriage and life had become about my dreams and goals. When we first got married, I finished up my masters, we moved for my jobs and kept things moving for my career. This isn’t necessarily wrong; in fact, you have to decide whose career will be the one that provides for your family. What quickly happened was I lost track of Katie’s hopes and dreams. I didn’t ask, and she stopped talking about them.

One day, I realized, I don’t know what Katie’s dreams are for the future. Sure, she probably shared mine (that’s what everyone husband says), but the reality is, she has her own because she is her person.

After apologizing to her, I asked what they were. I always tell people you don’t know the answer to this, even if you think you do.

2. You will hurt your spouse deeply (and they’ll hurt you). I guess I was surprised by how much I could hurt a person. While I had experienced hurt before, there is something different and deeper in marriage. Mainly because of the proximity and how much your spouse knows about you. But there is something else to this; there is a longing of acceptance that I had that I was only mildly aware of when we got married.

3. Getting through things will feel like it is taking all of your efforts, and it will often feel hopeless before it feels better. The high’s in marriage is incredible, but the low’s are lower than I expected. There are moments in a marriage where it feels like getting through the day will take more energy, effort, and grace than you have. This is where our faith has been crucial for us. I’m not sure we would’ve survived otherwise.

Often, what is hard in life and marriage is that when you move towards health and make changes, it gets harder before it gets easier. It is easy to think that because you’ve decided to change something that it should just start working, but it doesn’t. Sometimes it takes years to undo bad habits.

4. Get a counselor. I’ve said this in every post of lessons I’ve learned, but I’ll repeat it. Underneath almost all of your marriage problems are one of three things, and a counselor can help you to navigate those things and figure them out. For Katie and I, seeing a counselor, has helped us to have a wise voice interject to help us navigate different issues and have a common language with which to move forward.

5. Have a weekly date night and get away once a year. No matter what. We are big proponents of this and are blown away by the pushback we get from people on it. Protect your marriage and time together.

Here’s one thing I’ve never heard someone say, “We had too many date nights and getaways as a couple.” Have you heard someone say that? You haven’t, and you won’t.

These moments are invaluable to a healthy marriage. When Katie and I miss date nights, we feel it, and our marriage suffers because of it. These moments communicate with each other, “you matter, I’m thinking of you.”

At 25, we weren’t in this habit at all. Why? You don’t think you need to be because you’re in love and you have more time. Start as soon as you can as a couple.

6. Tell your kids they come after your spouse. This goes with #5 and something I’ve written on before, but make sure your schedule and life reflect that your spouse comes before your kids. You don’t neglect your kids, but your actions should communicate, marriage matters more than parenting.

Why?

The goal is for your kids to leave, not your spouse.

7. Understand the impact of your energy level, seasons in life, and know they are essential. In your 20’s, you think you have all the energy in the world. And you do in a way. But slowly, it dissipates. Work, age, health, aging parents, kids, lack of sleep, hormones. And the energy you had for work, life, hobbies, and relationships is lower.

If you aren’t prepared for this, it will run over you like a freight train.

This is why so many men in their late 30’s implode, burnout, cheat, and make terrible decisions. They think they are 23 still.

Couples do this with kids too. They think they have to sign up for everything, run after everything and they get tired.

Take stock regularly about the season of life, parenting, work, and marriage you are in. Understand that what you did in your 20’s isn’t what you’ll do in your 40’s.

Right now, parenting for us takes more energy and time than it did before, and I’ve had to say no to more outside opportunities. One day I might get to say yes to those things.

8. Prioritize friendships as an individual and a couple. I’m an introvert, and so I have to work hard at relationships. Thankfully, I have.

Most men, as they age, have less and fewer friendships.

Don’t do that.

If I sat down with my 25-year-old self, I would tell him, “cherish your friends and build into them.”

9. Help to make your spouse better. When you get married, you think your spouse will fulfill all your dreams and help you reach all your goals by making you better. Most of us don’t believe that we will do that for our spouse.

It’s sad because one of the things that makes a marriage great is seeing your spouse grow, become better, and reach milestones. I love being able to celebrate Katie and see her get better. Selfishly in the early years of our marriage, I didn’t think that way. I wanted her to help me grow, not the other way around.

I hope, when we are old and gray, Katie will be able to say that she is a better person because she spent her life with me. I know I’ll be able to say that of her.

10. Laugh a lot and enjoy each other and your life together. Notice, I didn’t say laugh at each other, but to laugh with each other.

To this day, I’d rather be with Katie than anyone else. I love traveling with her, eating with her, sitting silently with her and listening to her talk.

Find things you both enjoy doing and do those together, but also give space for each other to have hobbies they do without you.

11. Fight for oneness. We tell couples when you fight, and you will fight, fight for oneness. Always push towards being more and more one flesh than two.

12. Be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader. I’ll admit, I was pretty selfish (and still battle it) when we got married, so this has been hard for me sad because I missed some great opportunities to cheer for Katie and lift her.

Cheering for your spouse sometimes will mean that you lose out on your dream simply because of space and capacity. That is okay. Sacrifice is one of the beautiful things about marriage.

13. Never make fun of each other. From the beginning of our marriage, we created rules.

One of them was to never make fun of each other. Ever.

Have you ever watched a couple who nagged at each other or poked fun? The one being made fun of dies a little bit in front of everyone. For us, we strive not to tell stories that make the other person look stupid or silly.

This rule has been a life saver for us.

14. Stay pure and do all you can to have a great sex life. Porn almost destroyed us at the beginning of our marriage, and we’ve watched it destroy countless others. Part of being a student of your spouse as you get older understands their sexuality and what turns them on.

I remember an older guy telling me in my 20’s that if you worked at it, sex only got better in marriage. At 25 I thought he was crazy, but he’s right.

I came across this list in Daniel Akin’s book God on Sex: The Creator’s Ideas about Love, Intimacy, and Marriage and thought it was beneficial. Use this list as a way to evaluate where you are as a couple when it comes to passion for each other. What are you doing well? What 1 or 2 things could you improve?

1. Work at it. A lifetime of love and romance takes effort. Few things in life are as complicated as building and maintaining an intimate, passionate relationship. You need to work on it regularly to get through those trying periods that require extra work.
2. Think team. When making important decisions, such as whether to work overtime or accept a transfer or promotion, ask yourself this question: What will the choice I am making do to the people I love? Talk with your mate and family. Make “we” decisions that will have the most positive impact on your marriage and your family.
3. Be protective. Guard and separate your marriage and your family from the rest of the world. This might mean refusing to work on certain days or nights. You might turn down relatives and friends who want more of you than you have the time, energy, or wisdom to give. You might even have to say no to your children to protect time with your spouse. The kids won’t suffer if this is done occasionally and not continuously. It will be beneficial for everyone!
4. Accept that good and not perfect is okay when it comes to your mate. No one is perfect other than Jesus! You married a real person who will make real mistakes. However, never be content with bad. Always aim high, but settle for good!
5. Share your thoughts and feelings. We have seen this one over and over. Unless you consistently communicate, signaling to your spouse where you are and getting a recognizable message in return, you will lose each other along the way. Create or protect communication-generating rituals. No matter how busy you may be, make time for each other. For example, take a night off each week, go for a walk together regularly, go out to breakfast if you can’t have dinner alone, or sit together for 30 minutes each evening just talking, without any other distractions.
6. Manage anger and especially contempt better. Try to break the cycle in which hostile, cynical, contemptuous attitudes fuel unpleasant emotions, leading to negative behaviors that stress each other out and create more tension. Recognize that anger signals frustration of some underlying issue. Avoid igniting feelings of anger with the judgment that you are being mistreated. Watch your non-verbal signals, such as your tone of voice, hand and arm gestures, facial expressions, and body movements. Remain seated, don’t stand or march around the room. Deal with one issue at a time. Don’t let your anger about one thing lead you into showering the other with a cascade of problems. If different topics surface during your conflict, note them to address later. Try to notice subtle signs that anger or irritation is building. If you are harboring these feelings, express them before they grow too much and lead to an angry outburst. Keep focused on the problem, not persons. Don’t turn a relatively manageable problem into a catastrophe. Emphasize where you agree.
7. Declare your devotion to each other again and again. True long-range intimacy requires repeated affirmations of commitment to your spouse. Remember: love is in both what you say and in how you act. Buy flowers. Do the dishes and take out the trash without being asked. Give an unsolicited back or foot rub. Committed couples protect the boundaries around their relationship. Share secrets more than with any circle of friends and relatives.
8. Give each other permission to change. Pay attention. If you aren’t learning something new about each other every week or two, you just aren’t observing closely enough. You are focusing on other things more than one another. Bored couples fail to update how they view each other. They act as though the roles they assigned and assumed early in the relationship will remain forever comfortable. Remain constantly abreast of each other’s dreams, fears, goals, disappointments, hopes, regrets, wishes, and fantasies. People continue to trust those people who know them best and who love and accept them.
9. Have fun together. Human beings usually fall in love with the ones who make them laugh, who make them feel good on the inside. They stay in love with those who make them feel safe enough to come out to play. Keep delighting a priority. Put your creative energy into making yourselves joyful and producing a relationship that regularly feels like recess.
10. Make yourself trustworthy. People come to trust the ones who affirm them. They learn to distrust those who act as if a relationship were a continual competition over who is right and who gets their way. Always work as if each of you has thoughts, impressions, and preferences that make sense, even if your opinions or needs differ. Realize your spouse’s perceptions will always contain at least some truth, maybe more than yours, and validate those truths before adding your perspective to the discussion.
11. Forgive and forget. Don’t be too hard on each other. If your passion and love are to survive, you must learn how to forgive. Ephesians 4:32 must always be front and center. You and your spouse regularly need to wipe the slate clean so that anger doesn’t build and resentment fester. Holding on to hurts and hostility will block real intimacy. It will only assure that no matter how hard you otherwise work at it, your relationship will not grow. Do what you can to heal the wounds in a relationship, even if you did not cause them. Be compassionate about the fact that neither of you intended to hurt the other as you set out on this journey.
12. Cherish and applaud. One of the most fundamental ingredients in the intimacy formula is cherishing each other. You need to celebrate each other’s presence. If you don’t give your spouse admiration, applause, appreciation, acknowledgment, the benefit of the doubt, encouragement, and the message that you are happy to be there with them now, where will they receive those gifts? Be generous. Be gracious. One of the most painful mistakes a couple can make is the failure to notice their own mate’s heroics. These small acts of unselfishness include taking out the trash, doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, driving the carpool, preparing the taxes, keeping track of birthdays, calling the repairman, and cleaning the bathroom, as well as hundreds of other routine labors. People are amazingly resilient if they know that they are appreciated. Work hard at noticing and celebrating daily acts of heroism by your mate.