Over the last month, I’ve been sharing things I wish I could tell my 25-year-old self. I’ve already shared what I’d say to myself about leadership and life, so I thought I’d share some thoughts about marriage.

At 25, I had been married for three years, had just graduated from seminary, had already been fired from a job, and had a child.

So a lot had happened, and I still had no idea what I was doing when it came to marriage.

1. Your spouse has hopes and dreams too. I realized in my mid-30’s that our entire marriage and life had become about my dreams and goals. When we first got married, I finished up my masters, we moved for my jobs and kept things moving for my career. This isn’t necessarily wrong; in fact, you have to decide whose career will be the one that provides for your family. What quickly happened was I lost track of Katie’s hopes and dreams. I didn’t ask, and she stopped talking about them.

One day, I realized, I don’t know what Katie’s dreams are for the future. Sure, she probably shared mine (that’s what everyone husband says), but the reality is, she has her own because she is her person.

After apologizing to her, I asked what they were. I always tell people you don’t know the answer to this, even if you think you do.

2. You will hurt your spouse deeply (and they’ll hurt you). I guess I was surprised by how much I could hurt a person. While I had experienced hurt before, there is something different and deeper in marriage. Mainly because of the proximity and how much your spouse knows about you. But there is something else to this; there is a longing of acceptance that I had that I was only mildly aware of when we got married.

3. Getting through things will feel like it is taking all of your efforts, and it will often feel hopeless before it feels better. The high’s in marriage is incredible, but the low’s are lower than I expected. There are moments in a marriage where it feels like getting through the day will take more energy, effort, and grace than you have. This is where our faith has been crucial for us. I’m not sure we would’ve survived otherwise.

Often, what is hard in life and marriage is that when you move towards health and make changes, it gets harder before it gets easier. It is easy to think that because you’ve decided to change something that it should just start working, but it doesn’t. Sometimes it takes years to undo bad habits.

4. Get a counselor. I’ve said this in every post of lessons I’ve learned, but I’ll repeat it. Underneath almost all of your marriage problems are one of three things, and a counselor can help you to navigate those things and figure them out. For Katie and I, seeing a counselor, has helped us to have a wise voice interject to help us navigate different issues and have a common language with which to move forward.

5. Have a weekly date night and get away once a year. No matter what. We are big proponents of this and are blown away by the pushback we get from people on it. Protect your marriage and time together.

Here’s one thing I’ve never heard someone say, “We had too many date nights and getaways as a couple.” Have you heard someone say that? You haven’t, and you won’t.

These moments are invaluable to a healthy marriage. When Katie and I miss date nights, we feel it, and our marriage suffers because of it. These moments communicate with each other, “you matter, I’m thinking of you.”

At 25, we weren’t in this habit at all. Why? You don’t think you need to be because you’re in love and you have more time. Start as soon as you can as a couple.

6. Tell your kids they come after your spouse. This goes with #5 and something I’ve written on before, but make sure your schedule and life reflect that your spouse comes before your kids. You don’t neglect your kids, but your actions should communicate, marriage matters more than parenting.

Why?

The goal is for your kids to leave, not your spouse.

7. Understand the impact of your energy level, seasons in life, and know they are essential. In your 20’s, you think you have all the energy in the world. And you do in a way. But slowly, it dissipates. Work, age, health, aging parents, kids, lack of sleep, hormones. And the energy you had for work, life, hobbies, and relationships is lower.

If you aren’t prepared for this, it will run over you like a freight train.

This is why so many men in their late 30’s implode, burnout, cheat, and make terrible decisions. They think they are 23 still.

Couples do this with kids too. They think they have to sign up for everything, run after everything and they get tired.

Take stock regularly about the season of life, parenting, work, and marriage you are in. Understand that what you did in your 20’s isn’t what you’ll do in your 40’s.

Right now, parenting for us takes more energy and time than it did before, and I’ve had to say no to more outside opportunities. One day I might get to say yes to those things.

8. Prioritize friendships as an individual and a couple. I’m an introvert, and so I have to work hard at relationships. Thankfully, I have.

Most men, as they age, have less and fewer friendships.

Don’t do that.

If I sat down with my 25-year-old self, I would tell him, “cherish your friends and build into them.”

9. Help to make your spouse better. When you get married, you think your spouse will fulfill all your dreams and help you reach all your goals by making you better. Most of us don’t believe that we will do that for our spouse.

It’s sad because one of the things that makes a marriage great is seeing your spouse grow, become better, and reach milestones. I love being able to celebrate Katie and see her get better. Selfishly in the early years of our marriage, I didn’t think that way. I wanted her to help me grow, not the other way around.

I hope, when we are old and gray, Katie will be able to say that she is a better person because she spent her life with me. I know I’ll be able to say that of her.

10. Laugh a lot and enjoy each other and your life together. Notice, I didn’t say laugh at each other, but to laugh with each other.

To this day, I’d rather be with Katie than anyone else. I love traveling with her, eating with her, sitting silently with her and listening to her talk.

Find things you both enjoy doing and do those together, but also give space for each other to have hobbies they do without you.

11. Fight for oneness. We tell couples when you fight, and you will fight, fight for oneness. Always push towards being more and more one flesh than two.

12. Be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader. I’ll admit, I was pretty selfish (and still battle it) when we got married, so this has been hard for me sad because I missed some great opportunities to cheer for Katie and lift her.

Cheering for your spouse sometimes will mean that you lose out on your dream simply because of space and capacity. That is okay. Sacrifice is one of the beautiful things about marriage.

13. Never make fun of each other. From the beginning of our marriage, we created rules.

One of them was to never make fun of each other. Ever.

Have you ever watched a couple who nagged at each other or poked fun? The one being made fun of dies a little bit in front of everyone. For us, we strive not to tell stories that make the other person look stupid or silly.

This rule has been a life saver for us.

14. Stay pure and do all you can to have a great sex life. Porn almost destroyed us at the beginning of our marriage, and we’ve watched it destroy countless others. Part of being a student of your spouse as you get older understands their sexuality and what turns them on.

I remember an older guy telling me in my 20’s that if you worked at it, sex only got better in marriage. At 25 I thought he was crazy, but he’s right.

I came across this list in Daniel Akin’s book God on Sex: The Creator’s Ideas about Love, Intimacy, and Marriage and thought it was beneficial. Use this list as a way to evaluate where you are as a couple when it comes to passion for each other. What are you doing well? What 1 or 2 things could you improve?

1. Work at it. A lifetime of love and romance takes effort. Few things in life are as complicated as building and maintaining an intimate, passionate relationship. You need to work on it regularly to get through those trying periods that require extra work.
2. Think team. When making important decisions, such as whether to work overtime or accept a transfer or promotion, ask yourself this question: What will the choice I am making do to the people I love? Talk with your mate and family. Make “we” decisions that will have the most positive impact on your marriage and your family.
3. Be protective. Guard and separate your marriage and your family from the rest of the world. This might mean refusing to work on certain days or nights. You might turn down relatives and friends who want more of you than you have the time, energy, or wisdom to give. You might even have to say no to your children to protect time with your spouse. The kids won’t suffer if this is done occasionally and not continuously. It will be beneficial for everyone!
4. Accept that good and not perfect is okay when it comes to your mate. No one is perfect other than Jesus! You married a real person who will make real mistakes. However, never be content with bad. Always aim high, but settle for good!
5. Share your thoughts and feelings. We have seen this one over and over. Unless you consistently communicate, signaling to your spouse where you are and getting a recognizable message in return, you will lose each other along the way. Create or protect communication-generating rituals. No matter how busy you may be, make time for each other. For example, take a night off each week, go for a walk together regularly, go out to breakfast if you can’t have dinner alone, or sit together for 30 minutes each evening just talking, without any other distractions.
6. Manage anger and especially contempt better. Try to break the cycle in which hostile, cynical, contemptuous attitudes fuel unpleasant emotions, leading to negative behaviors that stress each other out and create more tension. Recognize that anger signals frustration of some underlying issue. Avoid igniting feelings of anger with the judgment that you are being mistreated. Watch your non-verbal signals, such as your tone of voice, hand and arm gestures, facial expressions, and body movements. Remain seated, don’t stand or march around the room. Deal with one issue at a time. Don’t let your anger about one thing lead you into showering the other with a cascade of problems. If different topics surface during your conflict, note them to address later. Try to notice subtle signs that anger or irritation is building. If you are harboring these feelings, express them before they grow too much and lead to an angry outburst. Keep focused on the problem, not persons. Don’t turn a relatively manageable problem into a catastrophe. Emphasize where you agree.
7. Declare your devotion to each other again and again. True long-range intimacy requires repeated affirmations of commitment to your spouse. Remember: love is in both what you say and in how you act. Buy flowers. Do the dishes and take out the trash without being asked. Give an unsolicited back or foot rub. Committed couples protect the boundaries around their relationship. Share secrets more than with any circle of friends and relatives.
8. Give each other permission to change. Pay attention. If you aren’t learning something new about each other every week or two, you just aren’t observing closely enough. You are focusing on other things more than one another. Bored couples fail to update how they view each other. They act as though the roles they assigned and assumed early in the relationship will remain forever comfortable. Remain constantly abreast of each other’s dreams, fears, goals, disappointments, hopes, regrets, wishes, and fantasies. People continue to trust those people who know them best and who love and accept them.
9. Have fun together. Human beings usually fall in love with the ones who make them laugh, who make them feel good on the inside. They stay in love with those who make them feel safe enough to come out to play. Keep delighting a priority. Put your creative energy into making yourselves joyful and producing a relationship that regularly feels like recess.
10. Make yourself trustworthy. People come to trust the ones who affirm them. They learn to distrust those who act as if a relationship were a continual competition over who is right and who gets their way. Always work as if each of you has thoughts, impressions, and preferences that make sense, even if your opinions or needs differ. Realize your spouse’s perceptions will always contain at least some truth, maybe more than yours, and validate those truths before adding your perspective to the discussion.
11. Forgive and forget. Don’t be too hard on each other. If your passion and love are to survive, you must learn how to forgive. Ephesians 4:32 must always be front and center. You and your spouse regularly need to wipe the slate clean so that anger doesn’t build and resentment fester. Holding on to hurts and hostility will block real intimacy. It will only assure that no matter how hard you otherwise work at it, your relationship will not grow. Do what you can to heal the wounds in a relationship, even if you did not cause them. Be compassionate about the fact that neither of you intended to hurt the other as you set out on this journey.
12. Cherish and applaud. One of the most fundamental ingredients in the intimacy formula is cherishing each other. You need to celebrate each other’s presence. If you don’t give your spouse admiration, applause, appreciation, acknowledgment, the benefit of the doubt, encouragement, and the message that you are happy to be there with them now, where will they receive those gifts? Be generous. Be gracious. One of the most painful mistakes a couple can make is the failure to notice their own mate’s heroics. These small acts of unselfishness include taking out the trash, doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, driving the carpool, preparing the taxes, keeping track of birthdays, calling the repairman, and cleaning the bathroom, as well as hundreds of other routine labors. People are amazingly resilient if they know that they are appreciated. Work hard at noticing and celebrating daily acts of heroism by your mate.

Lists and books abound as to what a husband is supposed to be and do.

One of my struggles with many of them is that they don’t fit my personality. They talk about feelings a little too much and often make me feel less manly than I’d like to be.

Now, feelings matter, and if you ignore them, you will often find yourself in some situations and hurt that you could’ve avoided.

As I was preaching through the Song of Songs, I came across an interesting passage in chapter 2 that lays out what a husband does. Now, what is most interesting about this passage, it says what the woman loves about the man, which gives some insight for men into what their wife wants, needs and thinks:

Like an apricot tree among the trees of the forest,
so is my love among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
He brought me to the banquet hall,
and he looked on me with love.
Sustain me with raisins;
refresh me with apricots,
for I am lovesick.
May his left hand be under my head,
and his right arm embrace me. -Song of Songs 2:3 – 6

Did you catch that? She said three things he does that she loves and needs:

1. He is strong like a tree. There is a strength that a man brings to marriage that a woman does not. It is inborn in men. Now, this can be destructive as well, but when it is healthy, this is what a wife and family need in a man. This might be physical, but also emotional.

Can you as a husband handle the ups and downs of life? Can you handle the ups and downs of your wife?

A tree also provides shade and protection in the desert.

If you’re dating, do you feel protected by the guy you’re dating? If not, leave. Husbands, your wife should feel safe and protected by you and your strength.

Strength is also closely related to stability and security. One of the biggest, if not the biggest, needs of a woman is security. Yes, you should dream big and shoot for the stars in your work life, but you also need to bring stability to your family and marriage. Too many men bounce from job to job, idea to idea, always looking for the perfect boss, best idea, get rich scheme.

There are a time and place for this, but there is also a time and a place for stability and strength.

2. He makes life and marriage a delight.

Here’s a simple but difficult question for your marriage: Does your wife delight to sit in your shade? In your presence? Marriage and any relationship are either bringing joy and life or bringing sadness to our lives. There is very rarely a third direction.

Too many couples do not bring delight to each other. They stop working at it. They bring delight to other people and relationships, but the closest relationship in their life withers.

In Song of Songs 1, the woman describes their relationship as a vineyard blooming in the middle of the desert. Now, what do you think it takes to grow flowers in a desert? A lot. Life does not just happen in a desert, death does.

The same goes in marriage.

Life does not just happen, death does. Which means life, joy, and delight will take great care and an enormous amount of work.

What often happens in marriage is that we see what we want and if it doesn’t happen that way, we blame our spouse. And yes, they have some blame to carry, but what part did you play to leave life and delight out of your marriage?

Are you doing everything you can to delight in your spouse?

3. He looks on her with love. 

Men are more visual than women. Women also know when they have a man’s attention and when they don’t.

While there are sexual tones to this phrase, it isn’t all sexual.

Looking on someone with love is having care for them, for their opinion, thinking of them above yourself and others.

Your spouse should come first in your life. Before your parents, boss, friends, and kids. We often put others before our spouse because “they’ll understand” and that person needs me and “my spouse will always be there.” If we aren’t careful though, we can communicate to our spouse that they aren’t as important to us as they are.

If you’ve been married any length of time, you’ve had this feeling of wishing your marriage was somewhere different. Maybe you want your spouse to have turned out differently than they are. Perhaps they have an annoying habit you thought they would grow out of, but they haven’t.

It might be an area that you wish would improve in your marriage: having better communication, a more exciting passionate sex life, dreaming together or at the very least being on the same page with your schedule and goals.

But you aren’t. It isn’t.

It is where it is.

Recently, I heard an illustration that helped me understand this.

There’s a story about when the British colonized India and the English people were trying to establish a Golf Course.

The problem was that there was Monkey’s that surrounded the golf course and whenever a golfer would take a swing, and the ball would land in the fairway; a monkey would run out, grab the ball and move it or throw it to another monkey.

This was very frustrating.

They tried putting up fences, moving the monkey, they tried capturing the monkeys, and nothing worked.

They couldn’t solve the problem, and so they made a rule for the course that said – ‘from now on we play the ball wherever the Monkey drops it.’

How does this apply to your marriage?

Your marriage isn’t where you thought it would be or wanted it to be. You or your spouse hasn’t turned out as you expected.

You can fight against that, get bitter and resentful; you could leave and be done with it (as a lot of people choose).

Or…

You can play the ball where the monkey drops it.

Meaning, this is where your marriage is, so move forward from there.

Moving towards a healthy marriage starts with embracing the reality of your marriage and where it is.

Can it change? Yes.

Can it grow? Yes.

But until you accept the reality of where you are, you won’t know what to change or how best to move forward.