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It is hard to believe that it is the middle of Summer. Honestly, it feels like it’s almost over as we get closer to our two oldest heading to college in August, but we’ll hold on to as many sunny beach days as we can in New England.

If you are new to my blog or missed some posts this past year, here are the top 10 posts of the year so far to help you catch up on your summer reading!

Top 10 posts of the year so far!
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1. The Power of Sex, Love, and Intimacy in our Lives
2. 8 Things I Wished People Knew about Enneagram 8’s
3. Pastors Lose 5 – 7 Relationships a Year
4. Preaching in Your First Year at a New Church
5. 5 Lessons from the Upper Room Discourse (John 13 – 17)
6. When You’re Passed Over or Rejected for a Job
7. 18 Things Every Husband Should Know About His Wife
8. How to Know It’s Time to Leave a Ministry
9. 11 Ways to Know You’ve Settled for a Mediocre Marriage
10. One Way Pastors Harm Their Marriages

Most read posts of 2025.
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On Sunday, we looked at the marks of a marriage that lasts. While the passage has clear applications for all relationships, we looked particularly at the needs of men and women and how they play out in marriage. If you aren’t married, we’d encourage you to read about your love language and think about how you give and receive love the best to help you as you look for a spouse and/or improve your most important relationships. 

Often, we encounter issues when trying to show and communicate love in a way that doesn’t make sense to the other person. Each person has different needs and different love languages. 

Do you know your spouse’s love lanauge?
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Years ago, Katie and I read a book called His Needs, Her Needs, which proved very helpful to us in our relationship. In it, the author lays out the top 5 needs for a man and a woman. While these needs may vary, meaning your top 5 may not be his, they at least create an opportunity for connection and conversation. 

Here they are. 

Women                                                           Men

Affection                                                           Sexual Fulfillment

Intimate Conversations                                 Recreational Companionship

Honesty and Openness                                  Physical Attractiveness

Financial Support                                           Domestic Support

Family/Leadership Commitment                Admiration

Do you know the top 5 emotional needs of your spouse?
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Before getting into the conversation, let me make a brief comment on sexual fulfillment and physical attractiveness. We unpacked this some on Sunday, but in case you didn’t hear this, I think this is important because this can be distorted in our culture or church circles; we misuse passages and studies to guilt women into having sex with their husbands. 

Sexual fulfillment is not just something men are interested in, but women as well. Sexual fulfillment is also not just about sex, but I think about a larger conversation around intimacy and connection. Physical attractiveness is not about looking like a model on Instagram with all the filters on. The way we frame physical attractiveness is about effort and trying. As a couple ages and life takes over, the effort and trying starts to go out the window in many areas for men and women. This is a great reminder to hit pause and ask, “Are we still trying?”

Here is our challenge for you this week, if you’re married. 

Look at the above list and rank yours from 1 to 5. Again, these may vary depending on personality, season of life, health, etc. Your list may have a need on it that isn’t listed above. That’s okay. 

Then, share your list with your spouse. 

1 conversation that can change your marriage.
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We’d encourage you to talk through how each of you is doing. Start with wins and compliments. Share how the other person is knocking it out of the park. Encourage each other. 

Then, share one way to improve each one on the above list. Do your best not to get defensive or historical or to insult the other person. Often, when we have these kinds of conversations, our first reaction is to say, “What about this or that?” Or to bring up something from the past (historical), I want to encourage you to resist this temptation. 

This is an opportunity to grow closer and take your relationship to the next level. 

1 conversation every married couple should have.
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I recently wrapped up a sermon series on John 13 to 17, the upper room discourse. It takes place on the night that Jesus is betrayed by one of his followers and arrested, and is less than 24 hours from his crucifixion. Reading through these passages in that light takes on newer and more profound meanings for people who have heard these verses.

Jesus is preparing himself for what lies ahead and trying as hard as possible to prepare the disciples, especially because they do not realize what is about to happen. You see this in their questions and interactions with Jesus. The number of times that they ask him, “What are you talking about?” We don’t understand what you were talking about. They also have side conversations about Jesus’s comments about returning to the Father and not knowing what he’s talking about (John 16).

As I reflected on the series and the conversations that I had with people in my church, I thought I would share five things that stood out to me:

Jesus was serious about love.  John 13:35 is quoted quite a bit in churches. In it, Jesus says that the world will know who his disciples are by how they love one another. While this is a well-known verse, very few Christians actually live out it.

If you don’t believe that, ask yourself: Does the world find the church and their love for each other inviting or repelling?

It is interesting to read through the gospels how many conversations Jesus had with people about loving their neighbor and who their neighbor was. Throughout history, Christians have tried to figure out how to avoid loving their neighbor or the person at their church who is challenging to love. And yet Jesus sits with his disciples, including Judas, and tells them to love one another.

This verse is even more powerful because it follows Jesus washing all of the disciples’ feet. He serves them in a way that in that culture would’ve been seen as very humiliating and then tells them this is what love looks like. So, the question we have to ask is, am I serving the people around me in a way like Jesus did in John 13?

What if Jesus was serious when he told us to love one another and that by this everyone would know that we are his disciples.
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It’s okay if you don’t know what God is doing.  Many followers of Jesus believe they should always know what God is up to or calling them to do. We tend to beat ourselves up if we don’t understand something in the Bible or struggle to believe something about God or have questions or doubts about God. However, one of the interesting things throughout the upper room discourse is how confused the disciples were by what Jesus kept saying. They asked him question after question and even had side conversations with each other about what Jesus was talking about and how they had no idea what he was talking about.

Do you see this most clearly in John 16 when they look at each other and ask what he is saying? I wonder what that interaction was like. Did they say it quietly so that Jesus didn’t hear them? But Jesus does hear them and asks them questions about it. However, I think the tone in which we read Jesus’s voice is critical. Often, we can read Jesus’s tone and ask the disciples questions in a very angry or disappointed tone. But I think the tone that Jesus has when he asks them do you not understand? It is one of love and compassion.

Five things I learned from preaching through the upper room discourse.
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Jesus knew unity mattered and would be difficult. In John 17, we see the longest recorded prayer in scripture. It is what is known as Jesus’s high priestly prayer, and in it, Jesus prays for three things: our security in the Father, our sanctification in the Spirit, and our unity. 

In John 17, Jesus prays for three things: our security in the Father, our sanctification in the Spirit, and our unity.
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But I found it most interesting that of all the things that Jesus could have prayed for his disciples, he prayed that they would have unity. This tells us that unity is incredibly important to Jesus, but he also knew that it would be challenging for us to live out, which is why he prayed for it.

But then he says why we should have unity because it will tell the world that the Father sent Jesus and that the Father loves them. So unity is not just some pie-in-the-sky idea that Jesus had but essential to the mission of God being fulfilled here on earth.

We barely scratch the surface of the Holy Spirit’s power. One of the most difficult things for people to wrap their minds around was for the disciples when Jesus told them it would be better for him to leave so that the spirit could come to live in each of his disciples.

Along with us, he tells his disciples that they will do greater things than he has because of the power of the Spirit living in them.

There’s a lot of debate about what this means and what Jesus intended for the disciples to know. The one thing that seems clear is that most Christians barely scratch the surface of the power of the Holy Spirit and what that means as we live our daily lives with the Holy Spirit living in us.

Eternity is real, and it is our home. John 14 is often a passage used when you preach at a funeral, but it is more than that. When Jesus’s disciples begin to understand that Jesus is leaving and have questions about it, the comfort that Jesus gives them is telling them that he is going to the Father, and when he goes to the Father, he will prepare a place for them. So, he tells them about eternity in difficulty, hardship, anxiety, and fear. This tells us that eternity is real and that if we look towards eternity, we will begin to see how that answers our worries and anxieties.

5 things Jesus told his disciples right before he was arrested and crucified.
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I hope you made it through your week. I am in the midst of a busy season, but I’m finding that the more time I give myself to learn, grow, and be recharged, the better. I got away from that a bit in 2020 but am trying to stay on track in 2021.

Here are my favorite books, podcasts, and blogs of the last couple of weeks. I hope it helps you grow!

Favorite books:

I’m a huge football fan, but as a Steelers fan, I am supposed to despise the Patriots and Bill Belichick, but Jeff Benedict’s Dynasty was fascinating. There were so many things I didn’t know about the Patriots that I learned. The attention to detail that Belichick has is second to none. If you’re a football fan, this is a fun read. 

Over the last year, Gordon MacDonald has become one of my favorite authors. Two of his books made it on my favorite book list of 2020. Recently, I picked up Mid-Course Correction: Re-Ordering Your Private World for the Second Half of Life. Wow. If you are over 40, this book is one you should definitely dig into. It gets into many of the ruts people face in their careers and relationships and their faith journeys between 40 and 60. He walks through much of the Old Testament but really zeroes into Abraham’s life and what he walked through and how that translates to our lives. So much in this one to chew on. 

Favorite podcasts:

One of my favorite podcasts is The Learning Leader with Ryan Hawk. Recently with my daughter, we listened to the interview David Rubenstein on Launching a Business, Living With Purpose, & Loving Your Life. Before the interview, I’ll be honest I had no idea who David Rubenstein was, but his story and wisdom were fascinating. I definitely had some good conversations with my daughter about public speaking, earning money, and what matters most in life.

Favorite blog posts:

2020 was really hard, and 2021 is off to a hard start. Here is some advice to keep moving forward.

Doris Kearns Goodwin, who wrote a fantastic book on leadership, Leadership in Turbulent Times, has a great article on Lincoln and the Art of Transformative Leadership. There is a lot to learn about Lincoln and the times that he lived compared to our own current season of leading.

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Can you believe it is 2021?!

It is almost hard to believe that the calendar has turned and it is a new year, but it does feel good. Even if the cloud of covid is still hanging over us, it has been a few months since I shared a Friday Five, but I thought the first full week of 2021 would be a good time to dust it off.

So here goes:

Favorite books:

I read two books over the Christmas break that were both incredibly helpful and timely. One was The Motive: Why So Many Leaders Abdicate Their Most Important Responsibilities by Patrick Lencioni. It was timely because this a great book to look at the heart behind your leadership. Doing that over the New Year was good for me as I think about where I am in life and look forward to 2021 and beyond. 

The second book was Future Church: Seven Laws of Real Church Growth by Will Mancini. This book, every pastor needs to read and wrestle with as we think about what ministry will actually look like in the future and how to reach people best. 

Favorite podcasts:

One of my favorite podcasts is The Learning Leader. Recently, Ryan Hawk released two episodes (How To Create A Generosity Flywheel, Make The Trust Wager, & Earn WHO Luck and The Art Of Getting People To Want To Do What Must Be Done), Jim Collins. There is so much in both of these episodes, especially for pastors.

Favorite blog posts:

Carey Nieuwhof every year posts his church trends. This week he shared 8 trends that churches need to be aware of as we move into 2021. Some highlights to me: #1 is something all communicators and worship leaders have to think about as they prepare each week and lead from the stage, #2 & #5 closely echoes Mancini’s book about what the future of the church will look like, I love the creativity and possibilities of #4, and #6 is one that cannot be overlooked because that will have an enormous impact on what churches do (especially as it relates to who they are trying to reach and connect with).

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The calendar has turned and it is finally 2021!

Many of us never thought 2020 would end, but it did.

Now what?

If you’re like me, you are setting out goals and dreams for the new year. Maybe you do a word for the year, make a list of resolutions or goals.

To help with that, let me give you three ideas from Bob Goff’s book Dream Big: Know What You Want, Why You Want It, and What You’re Going to Do About It, to help you:

1. The unwritten rules of our lives. These are things we tell ourselves. I can’t handle money because my family didn’t do that. No one in my family was successful, so I can’t be successful. I’m too old. I’m too young. I don’t have enough school. I have too much school.

One of my unwritten rules that keeps me from dreaming or moving forward is the rule that whatever I do has to be a home run and be noticed. It is a constant battle of ambition that I fight.

If we aren’t aware of our lives’ unwritten rules, we will fall into old patterns or miss potential opportunities ahead of us. Often, we miss goals or set the wrong ones because we aren’t aware of our lives’ unwritten rules.

How the unwritten rules of your life impact you & your future.
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2. We don’t know what we want to be known for. Many of us don’t know what we want people to say about us at our funeral. Or, we know what we want them to say, but we aren’t willing to do those things. Bob Goff said, “Too many of us would rather succeed pretending to be someone we’re not than fail as ourselves.”

Too many of us would rather succeed pretending to be someone we’re not than fail as ourselves. -Bob Goff
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Many of us live the lives that other people want for us or the lives we think we should live because we have a certain number of kids, we are a certain age, etc.

This reminds me of Bronnie Ware’s book The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying, where she said the number 1 regret of those on their death bed was: I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

The #1 regret of those dying: I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
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I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to wait until I’m on my death bed to decide to live the life I’m supposed to live. What a tragedy.

And if 2020 taught us anything, it is that none of us are promised anything.

3. Be brave enough to try something new and be terrible at it. This is where the perfectionists stop in their tracks. Be terrible at it. Many men don’t want to attempt anything unless they are great at it. But one way we restore hope is curiosity, trying new things, learning something new.

Whatever you choose for 2021, be intentional.

As I walk into 2021, I am more and more passionate about not missing moments or opportunities. 2020 has reminded me of how short life and how important every moment is. I’m praying you, and I don’t miss what God has for us in 2021!

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It’s that time of year. One of my favorite times of the year, when I share my favorite books of the year. If you want to see all the books I read this year, you can see those here. I also posted my favorite fun books and our favorite shows of the year.

Now, on to the list:

When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by Chuck DeGroat. This is an important book for churches and leaders to wrestle with. There were multiple times where I thought back to leadership situations, meetings I sat through, and things said to me and wondered, “Was Chuck there?” This was a quick read, but one that is hard to digest. Pastors need to wrestle with what it looks like to lead like Jesus in a world that desperately needs Jesus.

Fathered by God: Learning What Your Dad Could Never Teach You by John Eldredge. As a dad to sons and trying to make sense of life stages, this was a helpful read. Eldredge takes us through the stages of a man’s life, when they happen, what a man needs to move through each one. It gave language to things in my past but also my future. It also showed me some important things for my sons. If you are a father of boys, this is an essential book to read. 

Team of Five: The Presidents Club in the Age of Trump by Kate Andersen Bower. This book was a fun read. A few leadership lessons in it, but I learned a ton of things about the Presidents that I didn’t know before, and it felt like a timely read with the election upon us and watching The West Wing with Katie and the Reich 5. 

The Deeply Formed Life: Five Transformative Values to Root Us in the Way of Jesus by Rich Villodas. This might be one of my favorite spiritual formation books I’ve ever read, mostly because of how unique it is. When we think of spiritual formation books, we expect a book to have a chapter on bible reading, prayer, fasting, etc. What Rich does is take us on a different journey. He unpacks Sabbath and includes things like racial reconciliation and sexual wholeness, which puts this book in a different category compared to others. He looks at our whole lives and how they interconnect with others, not just on an individual basis, which is so needed today. 

Building Below the Waterline: Strengthening the Life of a Leader by Gordon MacDonald. I rediscovered Gordon MacDonald this year (you’ll notice he’s the only author on this list twice). I say rediscovered because I read some of his books in college and seminary, but reading his books in your 40’s is different. This is an older book, but it has so much wisdom in it.

Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets: 5 Questions to Help You Determine Your Next Move by Andy Stanley. This is one of the books that got added to my kid’s reading list for high school. I wish I had had this book years ago. The 5 questions Andy takes you through are critical when facing any decision. The two that stood out to me were “paying attention to any tension in you” and “What story do you want to tell when this decision is a story?”

This Too Shall Last: Finding Grace When Suffering Lingers by KJ Ramsey. This is one of the most beautiful books I have ever read. Her words and ideas were so helpful in this season. In fact, I got to have KJ join me for a deeper dive at our church about her book and how it helps us to get through the difficult parts of life. Very rarely am I moved to tears with a book, but this book did that. It spoke to a very deep place in me. 

Tempered Resilience: How Leaders Are Formed in the Crucible of Change by Tod Bolsinger. This was easily the best leadership book I read this year. Not only was this timely for 2020, but one all pastors and leaders should read as we head into 2021. It gives you a framework for what you faced this year and how to survive into the next year, and the road ahead. It also helps make sense of the difficult road that a leader walks and how that road prepares you for what is next. It’s possible I highlighted more of this book than left it unhighlighted. 

A Resilient Life: You Can Move Ahead No Matter What by Gordon MacDonald. A mentor told me that this is a great book to read at the halfway point of life, and he was right. At 41, I am really trying to engage in what helps a leader last and become the older person I want to become. Like the other book by MacDonald on this list, there was so much wisdom packed into this book. I’ve recommended it to everyone I know who is turning 40. 

Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers by Dane Ortlund. This book is on a lot of “best of” lists and with good reason. Each page is saturated with gospel goodness. If I had to pick my favorite book of the year, this is it. 

If you’re curious about past years’ list, click on the numbers: 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2018, and 2019.

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It’s hard to believe that it is already March!

Hopefully, you are sticking with your goals or word for the year. If not, get back to it. It isn’t too late and you knew 2020 was the year for that focus.

Favorite book:

I have loved Marcus Buckingham’s new book Nine Lies About Work: A Freethinking Leader’s Guide to the Real World. I love its contrarian take on all things leadership and what we think about work. 

Favorite podcasts:

Carey Nieuwhof’s interview with Susan Steinbrecher on How to lead change, deal with conflict at work and increase team engagement is pure gold. I loved the emphasis she gave in terms of the emotional side of change (something that is easy to forget as leaders) and how best to walk through difficult conversations at work.

Favorite blog posts:

If you don’t want to read all of Marcus Buckingham’s book on work, this article on the feedback fallacy is incredibly helpful and this short video on why feedback fails.

This article on how to see self-awareness, knowing when to leave your leadership post and pass the baton by looking at the journey of Disney CEO, Bob Iger, is an incredible article. I was blown away by his ability to see where he and his company was and leave it in a better position than when he got there. It definitely made me reflect on my ability to do that one day.

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Recently I gave a sermon on the power of words, and in it, I was struck by a phrase in a verse that is easy to miss. In Ephesians 4:29, we see Paul tell us not to use unwholesome talk, which is what gets focused on, but then he says that our words are to benefit others.

Your words are to be a benefit to others.
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What we often forget is that the people who hear our words are not just the people we are talking to but also the others standing around in the moment.

If you think back to hearing your parents argue, something one of them said at the moment got lodged into your head and heart, and you started to carry that through life.

When you speak, someone else is listening.
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Something you heard a boss say to a co-worker (especially something negative) you heard that, and it gave you an impression of your boss and/or co-worker.

One thing I always tell dads is that the way they speak to their wife, they are teaching their daughters how boys and men should talk to them. They are showing their sons how to talk to women.

Too often, though, when we speak, our words are for our benefit, not the person we are talking to or those around us.

We are continually communicating with those around us, and we need to be aware of that.

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Every year, my team and I attend the leadership summit and it is always refreshing, challenging and recharging for me. Easily the best leadership material in a conference that is out there. I try to share some of the highlights I took from each session. I didn’t take notes at all the sessions because some of them felt more like stories and so I just listened and took that in, which was a new practice I tried this year and really benefited from it.

202 Takeaways from the 2019 Leadership Summit
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Here are my biggest takeaways from the talks I took notes over the two days:

• 19 Quotes from Craig Groeschel
• 15 Quotes from Ben Sherwood on How to Lead in Times of Change
• 25 Quotes from John Dorsey on Understanding Generational Differences
• 7 Quotes from Danielle Strickland on Transformation
• 17 Quotes from DeVon Franklin on Being Different
• 21 Quotes from Patrick Lencioni on Motivation and how it Shapes our Leadership
• 32 Quotes from Chris Voss on Negotiation in Relationships
• 6 Quotes from Jia Jiang on Rejection
• 20 Quotes from Todd Henry on Leading Creative Teams
• 10 Quotes from Dr. Krish Kandiah on Vision and Seeing Things Differently
• 15 Quotes from Jo Saxton on Leveling up Your Leadership
• 15 Quotes from Craig Groeschel on The Power of Emotions in Leadership

202 Favorite Quotes from the 2019 Leadership Summit
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