We all want great relationships. We want them at work, school, and home. 

If you’re married, you want your marriage to be as great as possible. If you’re a parent, you want to do the best job you can and be as connected to your child. The same goes for friendships, work relationships, and so on.

But what does that take?

We often know what a great relationship takes, but life gets in the way. What if the other person doesn’t pull their weight in the relationship?

Many things go into a great relationship and there are many things that can harm a relationship.

It has been interesting to me preaching through the book of Philippians because Philippians isn’t often seen as a relationship book. But, Paul talks about relationships a lot. And he gives some clear insight into what makes a relationship great.

In Philippians 2, he shows us three things that make every relationship great.

Before diving into those three things, let’s do a bit of review and evaluation of your relationships. 

Think about your most important relationships: Spouse, kids, parents, friends, co-workers, or boss. How are those relationships doing? Are they healthy? Unhealthy? Are they life-giving or life-draining? 

Often, we run through things in life. We keep doing things and never ask, “How are we doing?” And then, if they aren’t where you’d like them to be, what’s the way forward?

That’s where the three things Paul says in Philippians 2:1 – 11 are so helpful.

1. Harmony. We know harmony when we hear it in music, and we know it when someone is off-key. Harmony in relationships is working together, not apart. Harmony isn’t the same note; it is playing different notes but having them work as one.

This is the goal of the Christian community. This is the goal of a church. This is the goal of marriage. 

To be one.

Yet, when the world around us looks at churches, they don’t see people working as one, moving as one; they see people tearing each other apart.

Too many couples who claim to follow Jesus make fun of each other, work against the other person, do their own thing, split up to reach their goals instead of working as one. 

Dating couples, this is why your goals, values and beliefs matter when it comes to dating. Unfortunately, one of the fastest ways to destroy a marriage is to have different goals, values, and beliefs. 

Moving as one is loving the same things, united on the same purpose (Philippians 2:2).

2. Humility. In humility, consider others as more important than yourselves.

How do we consider someone? The word consider means to think about something, to ponder something before deciding. Humility, serving others, not giving into selfish ambition and conceit, is a conscious decision. It is not something we stumble into.

This is a daily, minute-by-minute choice to make others, and think of others, as more important than yourself.  As Paul Miller said, “Love takes the low place.”

3. Helpfulness. This is how we come alongside someone and help them become all that God has called and created them to be. This encourages them, believing in them when they don’t believe in themselves, cheering them on, pushing them when needed.

Helping.

When we appreciate the other person’s gifts, talents, and goals (harmony), and can be humble to put their needs and interests above ours, we can help them because we are invested in them.

Now, back to your relationships. 

Which one has harmony, humility, and helpfulness? Which one needs more harmony, humility, and helpfulness?

I’d encourage you this week to focus on one relationship and one word. What if you could move one relationship further, make it healthier?

Over the last several years, study after study has talked about the rise of loneliness and isolation. In 2018, almost 50% of Americans said they sometimes or always felt alone. In the last year, 1 in 3 Americans says they face serious loneliness. This is across the board in terms of ages, but the greatest rise has been among students. This has led to increases in suicide, alcohol use, and more. 

This isn’t new. But it is more front and center in the midst of covid. 

The reality is, we were not made to live life in isolation. 

Are you lonely? Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a professor of psychology and neuroscience, said, “Loneliness is thought to be more of a subjective, distressing feeling, but it’s the discrepancy (or distance) between one’s actual and desired level of connection.”

Loneliness isn’t just something in our culture, but something that many people who attend church experience. This is incredibly sad because we were made for relationships, for community. The whole New Testament was written to groups of people, to churches. As Gordon MacDonald said, “None of us can ever be strong in the Christian life without intentional participation in a smaller group of people.” But many of us try. 

In Paul’s letter Philippians, we see this simple truth: Relationships are at the heart of joy and hope. 

We see how important relationships are to him in Philippians 1:3 – 11:

I give thanks to my God for every remembrance of you, always praying with joy for all of you in my every prayer because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Indeed, it is right for me to think this way about all of you because I have you in my heart, and you are all partners with me in grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel. For God is my witness, how deeply I miss all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. And I pray this: that your love will keep on growing in knowledge and every kind of discernment, so that you may approve the things that are superior and may be pure and blameless in the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ to the glory and praise of God.

What is the hope of loneliness and isolation? Friendship, a community, moving towards others. 

Paul tells us here what is incredibly important: A friend is safe, gives you their best, and brings out the best in you. 

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Paul tells us three important things in this passage about friends:

First, a friend remembers the best. Do you have a friend that remembers the best about you? Or just the worst? Does your spouse remember the best moments or remind you of the worst? Third, do you remember the best moments or the worst?

A friend will give you their best and bring out your best. Friends are partners, working together, moving as one, in the same direction. A great partnership is one where each person knows how they are wired, how they are gifted, what they do well and don’t do well. Then, they make up for each other’s weaknesses and blind spots. In a partnership, everyone knows the other person’s blind spots and brings them up, so everyone is aware. They don’t keep secrets. 

In a partnership, they see the good work God is doing. They give their best and expect your best. When Paul says in verse 6, “God will complete the good work,” he is seeing what God is doing. This is the hardest to do in our closest relationships. In our closest relationships, we see all the weeds, broken places, and bad work. Paul is choosing to see the good work. 

Here are some other ways this plays out:

• Assuming the best about other people’s motives
• Speaking the truth in love
• Calling each other up to deeper, more authentic faith

A friend will pray the best for you. All of us need friends that we can text at any time of the day and say, “Pray for me about this.” Do you have a friend who prays for you? Do you have a friend that you pray for?

A friend is safe, gives you their best, and brings out the best in you. 

Who is this for you?

Who are you this for?

Katie and I recently did a message on 1 Corinthians 13 in our series Fully Charged. 

It is one of the most well-known passages in the bible. It’s read at most weddings, but what is it telling us? On the one hand, it is about relationships with other people. What it looks like to relate, to have a healthy marriage, friendship, or family. It also shows us what God’s love for us is like. We see a picture of a Father in heaven who loves us in a way that is hard to fathom. But it is also about what spiritual maturity looks like. In the context, Paul says we could have all kinds of gifts, but if we don’t have love, what do we have?

I think this passage is especially important in the world we live in, where we are sheltering in place, spending more time with our family, and missing some of the community that we have built.

Dave Willis said, “We are facing a defining time for marriages. No couple will emerge from this the same as they were before. You’ll either emerge from this crisis stronger by leaning on each other or weaker by fighting with each other.” and I think that’s true. 

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship in quarantine? Paul lists out what love is and is not.

We’ve already seen that love is patient and kind. But now we see what it is not: Love does not envy, boast, it is not prideful, dishonoring of others or self-seeking.

What all of these have in common is me. Ourselves. What we want.

Envy is a longing for something that isn’t currently ours. It is also feeling discontent with your life, what you have or where things are. This sets into relationships very easily. Often because of what we imagine someone else’s relationship to be like. 

Boasting is puffing ourselves up, focusing on yourself and your needs over the needs of others. It is easy in relationships and marriage to puff yourself up, to look at yourself, and give yourself more grace than you give to the other. It is easier to see the faults of someone else than to see your own. 

Arrogance is thinking we’re better than we are. 

When we envy others, boast, are arrogant, we push people away. 

Often, we do these things to be right, but also to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We do these things to avoid saying something hurt us. If I envy you, then I can blame you for my problems. If I boast, I can put you down to make me feel better. If I’m arrogant, I protect myself from getting hurt. If I’m not proud, I’m willing to open my heart up to pain, yes, but I also open my heart up to love. 

All these emotions and actions do is isolate us. 

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul is inviting us to let go of these desires. 

What if you weren’t jealous of someone’s life or relationship? Imagine the pressure you bring to your relationships simply because of jealousy or a picture in your mind?

The flip side of this is contentment. Are you willing to be content with where your relationships are? That doesn’t mean you don’t grow or move forward, but there is a lost art of being satisfied with life and relationships. 

To not control or manipulate your relationships to get your way but to let them breathe and come alive.

Again, at the core of this verse is me—my needs. 

And this is easy to do in relationships. Because we often feel like the other person isn’t there for us, meeting our needs enough, we are putting too much effort into it. 

But, we can slowly, without knowing it, destroy our closest relationships by pushing people away by making sure they don’t measure up to our standards.