Terry Wardle said, “Ministry is a series of ungrieved losses.” I think you could expand that to say all of leadership and life are a series of ungrieved losses.
The reality for many of us is that we have lost something.
We have lost loved ones, we’ve been left and abandoned in relationships, we’ve had jobs come and go, dreams come and go. You started a business or a church that you expected to take off, but it didn’t go as fast as you’d like or at all. You expected kids by a certain age, certain kinds of kids at that, but it didn’t play out as you expected. Marriage was supposed to be a wild ride, but the wild ride you got is not the wild ride you thought you signed up for when you said: “I do.”
Losses.
As they stack up in life, many times, we fail to grieve them.
We shrug our shoulders and say “that’s life.”
Or, we think that other people have it worse.
And maybe they do, but if you’re like me, by saying those things, you are attempted to shield yourself from the pain. You also minimize the impact those losses have on you and your life when we say things like that.
For us to move forward in life, for us to see God redeem all that is in us, we must bring all that in us. We must face all that in us and all that is a part of our story.
Yes, God redeems all that in us and sets us free, but many of us hold on to losses, hold on to pain or regrets or mistakes and so we never experience the life God has for us.
I was talking with a guy recently, and he said he was afraid to face what was hidden in his family of origin because he wasn’t sure what he would find there.
He would find losses.
When we face losses, it is at that moment, that we decide whether or not we trust the goodness of God.
Is God still good when life doesn’t go as I thought it would?
If I believed that God called me to start something and it slowly fizzles out, did I hear God correctly? If so and that was God’s plan all along, how do I feel about that?
Many times, we want to blame God, and He can take it. Or, we’ll play the role of the victim.
When we do that, it makes sense, but it also keeps us from having to face our pain or even deal with it. As the victim, it is their fault out there. My spouse, parents, child, economy, elders, staff members. They caused it. They did it.
And maybe they did, but it still happened, and you still have to face it.
The ones who move forward whole (notice I didn’t say unscarred) are the ones who grieve those losses.
But how?
While I’m still learning this process, here are some things that help me:
Name what was lost. What was lost for some of us is a dream, a hope, a goal.
Maybe you lost your innocence by having to grow up too quickly. Perhaps it is a loss of purpose and meaning. It might be the loss of identity or relationships.
We have all had loss but rarely do we name them.
Not naming them gives them the power to take away in our lives.
Attach a feeling to that. How did that loss feel? I realize that this might be an obvious question but think for a moment. It is more than anger.
Most of us (especially Christians) are not very good at grieving, but it is a crucial part of maturity.
Recently, I named a loss I experienced and told a friend, “I’m sad about that.” Which for me is an enormous step because I can’t think of many times I’ve said I was sad about something.
Ask God what He wants you to know about Him through this. Each moment, good and bad, easy and difficult, are invitations from God to know something about himself and something about ourselves.
Don’t rush through this and miss this.
God is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).
If we don’t do this, not only will we miss the freedom that is found in Jesus, but we will make people in our future pay for things people did in our past. This will keep us from living and enjoying life and leadership. It will keep us from trusting and experiencing community because “we know how this story ends.”
